Calling all LATE PEOPLE

[scoobycute]

Have a few genuine questions for people who are consistently late...(not strictly an AIBU thread)

What is it generally that makes you late? (e.g no time awareness of how long things/travel takes, being slow at tasks, poor planning??)

Would you be offended if a friend pulled you up on your lateness? (Consistent 15-30mins late per social meeting say, not the odd 5mins)

Do you get annoyed when you have a friend that "out-lates" you? Or do you just accept that time isn't an issue?

I'm really struggling with a late friend these days and just don't know if/how to address it. She is the sweetest girl ever but her time keeping is shocking and usually has me frustrated by the time she arrives thus setting the get-together off to a bad start.

I don't calm my Brian - but I do calm my brain....

Also if I get up early to try and get to work early that never works because I end up deciding to mow the lawn or finish my tax return etc if I allow myself 'spare time' in the morning. Now I just laugh at myself and just accept that's how I roll.

I often run late, not so much lately, and not as bad as half an hour or an hour, but often anything from five to fifteen minutes late. My issue is that I genuinely underestimate how long things will take me to do, like the journey or getting ready, I have anxiety and I can get in a fluster while getting ready and spend ages on one small detail like my eye makeup or hair, before I know it half an hour has passed and I should have left the house ten minutes ago. I then get in even more of a panic about being late, so it’s not because I don’t care about people waiting for me, it’s honestly unintentional.

In terms of other people being late I genuinely don’t care at all, I’m happy to just order drinks at a restaurant and chill for half an hour. I had a group of friends I used to go out with all the time in my 20s and one of us (sometimes more than one) was always late and no one minded.

I’m rarely late for work because I have a very set routine and know exactly how long it will take me.

I have started getting ready for social events an hour before I normally would and this has really helped a lot in my time keeping, and I’m often early now, so I would definitely recommend that to other people who struggle with lateness.

My DP is chronically late. He's a musician, and is often late for rehearsal because he underestimates his preparation or travelling time. If the journey is an hour, he will frequently say ' 50 mins will be fine'. Not allowing for traffic, parking, getting his instrument out, tuning up, warming up etc. Or he will start doing a household job 30 mins before he's due to leave, forgetting he's got to find his dress suit, cufflinks, iron a shirt. Drives me nuts.

It’s partly over-booking myself (so I’m late to one thing because I’m actually still completing something else - major Robles with meetings, and no that isn’t something I can easily fix at work as I don’t set the meeting times).

And partly optimism - DH says I assume that if a journey can theoretically be completed in time x, if the stars align and no trains are late, I will assume the journey always takes that time and only allow that much leeway to get to wherever I’m going.

Part of that again is overbooking. I also have problems with deadlines because I over-commit myself. Partly genuine gadfly enthusiasm for lots of different things making it hard to focus on one in particular, partly work ambition, partly keen to be helpful and say yes to everything.

I’m only ever 5-10 mins late though - never 30mins plus. And no I wouldn’t mind somebody mentioning it, but you wouldn’t necessarily see a big change. And of course I don’t mind other people being late themselves, I assume they were busy elsewhere.

I have a couple of friends like this. I always arrange to meet in places that aren't time-sensitive and where I can happily hang out with a book. That usually works OK. But when I was younger I had a friend who was persustenly late for all our meet ups. One time I was running about ten mins late, I told her that and she replied with "" Oh, I prefer it if you get there before me so I don't have to stand alone. Let me know when you're there and I will set off from here" 🙄

I have adhd and I'm always early anally so. It's because I overcompensate. It takes a lot of effort to be early but its better than being late.

I am still bad at estimating how long it takes me to get stuff done. I have to focus on getting somewhere to meet someone at a certain time and will end up dropping some tasks I'd hoped to get done before I met.

I have ADHD and really struggle with timekeeping. It’s common for people with the condition. Transitions into new environments, including organising the journey, remembering to take all the things you need, remembering to lock the front door on your way out etc. can be really challenging. I have to have a really set routine for leaving the house so I don’t get flustered and make myself late. I also struggle to estimate how much time it will take me to get ready, or get distracted by something else and don’t realise the time is flying. None of these things are on purpose and I am constantly working really hard to overcome them but sometimes I am just late.

I think you need to flag it with your friend but also be aware that she will not be doing it deliberately and probably feels incredibly stressed by it and embarrassed. Just be mindful of whether it costs you more emotional upset to wait patiently for a few mins and whether that is worth making her more stressed and upset by demanding that she arrive on time. Sometimes we have to make adjustments for the people we love. I don’t think it is unreasonable to wait under most circumstances if you know she is trying her best to get better.

and would you be offended if a friend pulled you up on it?

If you consistently leave people waiting for you, if you embarass them and waste their time, you don't get to be offended at them telling you it's not ok.

I think there are 2 types of late people. Those who have genuine reasons such as ASD, like some PPs and the others that just value their own time over anyone else's. The latter infuriate me as a person who is always on time.

I don't judge other people for being late, no, because it would be pretty shitty of me to do so when I'm so often late myself.

Truthfully, I'm clinically depressed and I struggle with self-care and self-esteem. Part of me really wants to meet my friends, the other part needs a prolonged stern self-telling off to get in the shower and to accept that my friends actually want to see me and I shouldn't make an excuse to cancel because I'm a fat, ugly whale who everyone hates. Getting stuck in my own head means I always start getting ready late, and there's a knock-on impact.

I mask really well, so only two of my closest friends know I'm depressed. I'm sure everyone else just thinks I'm late all the time and based on this thread, is silently judging me for being rude as hell.

I don't want to be late. I'm just deeply unhappy and overwhelmed with life, and keeping that to myself.

Anyone pulling me up on my lateness would probably send me into a spiral.

You don't always know what's going on inside people's heads.

Late people get rewarded because people are always pleased to see them when they finally do turn up. This reinforces the cycle and I think they get used to being late and start seeing it as normal.

My in-laws are late for everything as an entire family. If you arrange to meet at a restaurant and book a table at 7, they will turn up at 9 and then get angry with the staff because they haven't saved their table. It's embarrassing and ridiculous but they never learn!

A friend of mine is always late because she builds in no buffer time at all.

If a meal is booked for 7.30 and Google Maps tells her it's a 20 minute drive away, she leaves at 7.10. No consideration of traffic, spending a couple of minutes parking and walking in etc. It's infuriating.

I was told that late people are optimistic people. They have the outlook that everything will be in their favour (getting ready, traffic, red lights ect)

Anxiety.
not being comfortable with things being “right”.
trying to prove to yourself that you are shit.
somehow looking for people to be pissed off with you, for attention or self-flagellation
good to discuss in therapy!

It drives me mad when people are consistently late. It's so rude (apart from those with special needs).

I make a huge effort to always be on time. I've toddler twins, and still don't use that as an excuse - I pack what I can the night before, leave time for last-minute nappy changes, do a list of what I need, plan the journey times, don't start an unnecessary task, etc.

Everyone knows I'm always on time. I've one friend who was always late, so I told her I'd wait for 5 mins and if she's not there, I'll leave. I'm not wasting my time hanging around waiting for someone to swan in when suits them, ignoring the time we agreed. She's now generally on time.
Of course some other friends are occasionally late - that's fine since it's not consistently late - I'll wait for these friends.

I'm never late anymore - actually known for my timeliness! - but I used to be. I think I have undiagnosed ADHD but I manage everything really well now - apart from home organisation and handling clutter, that's the one thing that still eludes me.

I would just overestimate how much time I had. If I saw I had 5 minutes I would sit down and start doing something random instead of just getting out the door. If I saw I was on my way right on time I would think I had time to do one more thing.

I also wouldn't factor in the time from being 'ready' to getting out the door. Do I have my shoes ready/which shoes to wear, do I have everything, where's my phone. How long does it take to get to the tube. Etc.

Then I would get distracted while I was out. Maybe I want a coffee, oh now I'm stuck in a huge queue.

It was a combination of these things mostly.

"Does everyone on this site now have some kind of special need which excuses them from everything?"

I know what you mean but it is funny with your username ...

Have you ever been left waiting in a bar alone on a Saturday night for an hour? Or worse, in the cold outside a station?

or nearly missed a show because the person with the tickets was late?

I was almost always travelling an hour into central London with these people.

5 mins is neither here nor there. But there is no reason I'd tolerate the above any more.

Exactly this. If you are early, you will never be late.

Me and my oldest friend are polar opposites. I am always early, mostly down to anxiety about being late and inconveniencing people. She is always (I mean ALWAYS) late. Sometimes it's because she got stuck in traffic, sometimes because she got caught up in something before setting off, but usually it's just because she does what someone else mentioned earlier- if the journey takes 30 mins, she leaves 30 mins. So no accounting for travel between the car park and meeting place, or for delays.

It still drives me crazy. I accept that I don't NEED to be there 15 minutes early so those 15 minutes are my issue to deal with, but the 5, 20, 30 minutes after the meeting time that I have to wait is what bugs me. She knows how I feel, but nothing changes.

Yes its rude. I remember meeting my friend for cuppa. I told her cafe closes at x time. I think she thinks places open all night for her lol.

I am never late. It irritates me when people are. I would eventually let a friend go if they were extremely late all the time, because it shows a lack of respect.

I won't wait for late people. 10 minutes and if you haven't called me and given me a good reason, i won't be there when you arrive if it's a one-on-one.

Persistent late friends? I won't make arrangements to meet them alone. If in a group fine but i won't be asking the group to wait for you, and i won't agree to a group asking me to wait if there is something we planned to do. If it requires tickets? I will insist that i have mine before the event and i will go without you.

If you have ADHD, ASD or anxiety that makes you late, fair enough. But i won't be making time-sensitive arrangements with you.