Calling all LATE PEOPLE

[scoobycute]

Have a few genuine questions for people who are consistently late...(not strictly an AIBU thread)

What is it generally that makes you late? (e.g no time awareness of how long things/travel takes, being slow at tasks, poor planning??)

Would you be offended if a friend pulled you up on your lateness? (Consistent 15-30mins late per social meeting say, not the odd 5mins)

Do you get annoyed when you have a friend that "out-lates" you? Or do you just accept that time isn't an issue?

I'm really struggling with a late friend these days and just don't know if/how to address it. She is the sweetest girl ever but her time keeping is shocking and usually has me frustrated by the time she arrives thus setting the get-together off to a bad start.

I'm autistic, as a teen I was always late and had absolutely no idea where the time went. I worked really hard on being online and started being hours early. For evert aspect of getting somewhere I'd add half an hour. So if I thought a shower would take half an hour, I'd allow an hour. The bus takes an hour, allow 1.5hr. Gradually I got better at getting it closer and closer to the right time instead of being miles early. Then I had DS and have been late a few times because everything takes soooo long! And there are so many things you forget need doing. I'm getting better. Plan plan plan. I don't think I've been late more than a normal person with a new baby though.
I hate being late. I hate people being late. But more so people who just think it's a character quirk and "oh what am I like? 😆" being late is not funny, it's rude, you apologise and try to be better.

You can be on time, it's just about how much it matters to you to try, how much effort are you willing to put in to not making someone wait around for you. How much do you value their time. If someone is consistently late and doesn't care, they don't care about you.

The same people who "can't help" being late for appointments or social engagements, never miss planes or trains.

It's a simple matter of subconsciously deciding what you can and can't make wait.

Drives me mad. Terrible attitude.

I have a “friend” who is consistently late. It’s always AT LEAST 20 mins. I had her children for her a while back as a favour (happy to reciprocate favours) and she was over 90 mins late collecting them. I’ve never offered again. She takes the piss out of everyone. I have distanced myself over the last few months for this reason, amongst others too.

These threads always go this way.

Those of us who struggle to be on time just end up being friends with each other, and those who get angry at others' lateness can do the same.

If something causes you massive anxiety, look at why, or possibly stop doing it, surely?

I'm a naturally late person who tries very hard not to be.

One thing that can make me late which no one seems to have mentioned is sort a (self-diagnosed) OCD type thinking. I get out of the door & sometimes a long way down the road and worry about have I left the iron or my straghteners on, did I close the window, lock the back door, whatever. I have to go back and check or it will distract and worry me the whole time I am away. (Not helped that in my teens a sibling did leave the iron on and it was a miracle the house didn't burn down. And I left a gas burner on the hob on once too). Allowing enough time for a final check before I leave has helped with this.

I also try hard now to start the process of leaving the house early enough, and not underestimate how long the various steps will take. I also routinely forget stuff I was meant to take with me, and have to go back for it so have have lists to tick off, or put the item in the bag/by the front door/in the car as I think of it, not wait till later.

I've now graduated to managing to be 'just on time', by using loads of the techniques also mentioned by others - I make huge efforts to stay focused and not get distracted. The problem with 'just in time' is that it only takes one out -of-your-control thing to make you late - road works on the bus route, train delayed, traffic holdups But it has got a lot better, as I hate that trait in me and do find it annoying in others.

I wouldn't mind if someone told me they found it irritating, as as some people don't or indeed are laters themselves. I have friends & family far worse than me. For this asking if late people miss flights/train/interviews etc - yes they do. I have one friend who got WORSE after having kids - her kids are often late for childminder/school/activities/events because she (and her husband) as so disorganised. ONe friend is terrible when meeting for drinks or dinner - I always take a bok to read and often just order a starter as I know she'll arrive afte me (even if I am late!).

If you do say something, try phrasing it as a question - why do you think you are always late? Are you late for lots of things? It might help them self reflect a bit.

Should have added, when she was late collecting her children, there hadn’t been an emergency. She just decided to do some other things before collecting them, and knew she would be late. Never bothered to tell me though.

DH is chronically late which makes me late. Quite often I have the kids ready in the car and he is "just" going round shutting windows, finding his phone etc etc. The kids joke that he's about to jump in the shower as we're due to leave.

I am somewhat of a late/on time, never early person myself, but this is mainly because I try to fit too many things into a day so I don't have extra time to allow. Eg I get home from work at 4.30-4.40 and my child has an activity at 5.00 20 minutes away. There is no space in my life for allowing that extra time in case I get delayed. So some, not all, lateness is explained by busy-ness.

All of the above. Work, weddings, interviews, everything. Although I have got every job I've ever interviewed for despite the lateness.

I know it looks rude but it's not fun on this end of it either! I live alone so while I don't have to get anyone else out of the house, I also don't have anyone to benchmark or to notice/nag - when I lived with my best friend and we were heading out I could sort of see what she was doing to get ready in what order and do similar, if that makes sense.

One friend put a different, earlier time on my wedding invitation because she loves me as much as I love her, wanted me to be there without any stress, and was happy to work around my struggles (this was pre diagnosis but we lived together at uni so she was well aware how much my time problems upset me, and she is a brilliant human). This made me cry nearly as much as her actual ceremony did!

I'd say it's worth a conversation rather than "pulling up" - because for some people it truly isn't a choice and we'd fucking love to be able to do it differently.

If it's subconscious, it's not a simple matter though.

Although that may have been a typo, I think you're right that it is subconscious. I have been desperately trying not to be late for 35 years, it's finally sinking in how to do it.
It was certainly not a conscious thing that I was always late, and I lost many a job because I was late. I have now realised that Flexi-time is a must in any job I do. Interestingly, I find I get to the office before 9am most days when I have a flexi-time approach, but when I had to be there by 9, I always struggled.

We have a friend who us consistently late. I always tell them a different time to meet. Say we booked a table for 8pm. We’d say 7.30pm. They’d turn up for 8pm. Problem solved.

I used to be quite bad for this. Even for time-critical things (theatre etc.), I'd plan to be there half an hour beforehand at say 6.30 and end up squeaking in at 7.05 as the show was starting.

I'm mostly on time now and there are 3 strands to this:

• Firstly, things like nursery/activity pick-up for DC. I just can't be late for these. I generally know how long it takes to get there and, if I'm running late, I throw money at the problem (taxi or bus whereas usually I'd walk).
• Second, things like hospital appointments. I'll usually plan to arrive an hour early and have a coffee and do some work or read a book. Instead, I'll get there half an hour early. I usually have to wait a couple of hours anyway because the hospital is running late!
• I do the same when meeting friends who are always on time or when punctuality is important. I build it into the schedule and create a 'fiction' that the event starts earlier than it does. So I'll tell my DH that I'm meeting friends for lunch at 12, when in reality we're meeting at 1.30. I view the time beforehand as being 'me' time which gives me an incentive to leave the house as quickly as I can to maximise that time. For a 1.30 lunch, I'd usually get there around 12.30 (having intended to be there at 12) and would have a nice child-free hour to myself before my friends arrive.
• When meeting friends with children, unless it's an event like a playgroup, class or party, we're all generally quite relaxed and agree a large timeslot (I.e. between 10-11). I will aim to arrive at the start of the timeslot and end up arriving towards the end. But it's usually somewhere that this doesn't matter (someone's house, park, play area) so no one really minds. "Come between 10 and 11 and we'll have lunch just after 12" seems to be quite common.

I'm on the wait list for an ADHD assessment. I do often turn up a few minutes late. And yes that includes for work, buses and once a flight. I had to pay about £600 for a new flight home!

I do know that being late is annoying for others. I always apologize and wouldn't have a problem with a friend pointing it out. When I realise I'm running late, I do whatever I can to hurry up, e.g. throw on the first clothes I find, skip a meal, get a taxi instead of a bus. I'm often still 5 mins late, but never extremely late.

I have a friend who regularly out-lates me and it does annoy me. But that's mainly because she doesn't even try to arrive on time. Recently, she messaged at the time we were due to meet to say that she still needed to paint her nails and tidy the lounge before she left. I'd have skipped both of those things so as not to waste someone else's time.

I always offered my kids a premier parenting taxi service but I 100% insisted on exact punctuality and politeness. I was happy to pick them up from a club at three in the morning but they had to be exactly where they said they would be at the exact time.
It works perfectly like that. No one has to wait around or faff about. We would do it to the minute. It was a bit of a family joke.

Of course there was always the very odd occasion when someone was late but that's not a problem once on a while.
My kids are all very punctual as adults and can't stand people who are late all the time.
I think it really rough on kids to have chaotic and disorganised parents and I say that as someone who is naturally all over the place 😅

Why do you keep saying how sweet and kind she is? Is she a child? If you are in an adult relationship with this woman, why not try talking to her and saying that you don't like having to wait for her all the time. That sounds reasonable. Or if it feels impossible to talk to her about it without offending her you probably need to ask yourself why.

I'm also finding the "sweet and kind" thing a bit odd.

This sounds so unbearably familiar. I am genuinely wondering if my brain is wired that way too.

Plus the overwhelming, absolute necessity of doing something just before I leave. The realisation of a wash that needs hanging out or something.

Think its ingrained in some people being late. I dont mind if people have young kids but my friend hasnt that excuse she just bad use of time. She got bit better

I'm often ever so slightly late to meet one friend in particular.

I'm talking, 3-5 minutes. It could be that every bloody traffic light is red, or my son will need the bathroom right as I'm leaving, stupid things that you can't really account for beforehand.

She will text her husband to tell him - I know because she tells me she tells me, because it irritates her (I do get it).

When she is late, she doesn't even apologise. It's just not mentioned.

Not really relevant. Just wanted a moan.

Sounds rather petty of your friend for a couple of minutes! Why does she have to tell her husband? you should stop apologising if she doesn't give you the same courtesy.

DP and I both have ADHD and time keeping is a constant bloody struggle for us. I can't even put into words why it's so hard for us to be on time but it really is. With all the effort we're still "just in time" and it's so stressful.

We had a wedding to go to recently so we knew we couldn't be late to the ceremony venue. We ended up there an hour early, while everyone else (groom included) was about 15 minutes early, but it was the only way we could guarantee we'd be there on time.

It's so frustrating to have to start getting ready to leave hours before other people would, but otherwise we'd be so late (and sometimes till are). I do find it embarassing.

I'm generally on time as I'm quite organised, but have no problem with others being late and don't take it personally at all. Everyone has their own complex situations and life's too short to get wound up about things like this. I'm happy to keep myself entertained while waiting for friends to arrive, or can message them and go off and do something else in the meantime. People seem so wound up nowadays and critical of other people - why not just accept that we're all different and love your mates for who they are?

I have friends like this. They are both always 30 min plus late. Ans it's whether they are driving or on public transport. I realised why recently - they don't leave anywhere near enough time. I was out with my friend in the afternoon and asked how they were getting to town later. They were getting a bus but not the one closest to their house. I said I was getting a taxi as only a short time to turnaround. They said - it's only 5 mins to the bus, and they go every 10 minutes. It was actually a good 10 mins to the bus, and then 10 mins from the stop in town to the restaurant. They were always going to be late. I wasn't too bothered as others arrived on time so we just had a drink but they are always always late.

And why it annoys me? Well I've had to stand in a station and wait 40 min for them before. I was cold and bored and could have been doing something more useful with my time. Their time isn't more valuable than mine.

I’m a late person. I make it to work on time because I have exactly the same routine every morning. If one small thing goes wrong with my routine it throws everything off and I end up seriously late instead of a little bit late. Fortunately it doesn’t happen often these days because I have all kinds of systems to keep myself on track.

I have a list I say out loud before I open the front door to leave, because otherwise I go out without my purse or keys or phone. And yes, I’ve missed countless trains and also a plane in the past. I have very little conception of how long it takes to get from one place to another (except work) so I have to check a map app every single time. Before these existed I got it wrong a lot.

If I’m meeting a friend it’s not part of my usual daily routine so I need to set alarms on my phone to remind me when to start getting ready to leave etc. It’s really hard to act on these alarms because making the mental transition from whatever I’m doing to what I should be doing is anxiety-inducing. I’m usually only five or ten minutes late for social events these days but it’s exhausting managing it.

I don’t have any diagnosis of executive function issues, but I use a lot of strategies aimed at people with ADHD to try to manage my life.

Everyone I know (friends and family) that is late have a mixture of ADD / ADHD or anxiety.

I have ADD and I'm pretty much always handbraketurning into the work car park 2 mins late. I just can't get there on time (no kids, no traffic etc).
Maybe I just hate work

I do it to every appointment/social event too. I'm never really late, but I am frequently running to get there on time. I absolutely hate queuing or slow drivers etc, I really struggle with it, and waiting for someone else is really hard for me, I usually have to leave and walk around the block and then I end up being the later one! Mobiles have helped because I can scroll insta to calm my Brian while I'm waiting (I couldn't concentrate on reading a book or magazine in public or even MN)