Calling all LATE PEOPLE

[scoobycute]

Have a few genuine questions for people who are consistently late...(not strictly an AIBU thread)

What is it generally that makes you late? (e.g no time awareness of how long things/travel takes, being slow at tasks, poor planning??)

Would you be offended if a friend pulled you up on your lateness? (Consistent 15-30mins late per social meeting say, not the odd 5mins)

Do you get annoyed when you have a friend that "out-lates" you? Or do you just accept that time isn't an issue?

I'm really struggling with a late friend these days and just don't know if/how to address it. She is the sweetest girl ever but her time keeping is shocking and usually has me frustrated by the time she arrives thus setting the get-together off to a bad start.

I do get annoyed if I have left my house which is two

Yes, yes and yes - all these have happened to me and more. If I’m travelling alone to meet people I don’t meet them in locations that are unsafe. Occasionally it’s been a bit dull waiting, but no more than that. Stuff happens, people forget things, busses are late, etc. If I was waiting outside and getting cold, I’d find somewhere nearby to sit in the warm and send my friend a message to tell them to meet me there. I don’t get the big issue, and certainly wouldn’t think worse of someone who was late.

We have someone in our group that's always late to the meeting. It's almost expected. It's bloody rude they need to set off earlier.

I did actually ask why they were always late?

ADD is just no excuse. Your behaviour is yours to manage. People who are late piss me off, because I know that if I didn't make an effort, I would be late too. So they are not making an effort for me.
I set alarms, write it down in numerous places, remind myself constantly through the day, then give myself plenty of time to get ready.

Letting others down is mortifying for me.

LarGoo I'm not suggesting any of these are unsafe
but it does make me angry to be left waiting an hour

just out of interest, where would you draw a line? How long would you wait?

the cold outside a station, she kept texting me "there in five minutes" but yes, after 40 mins, I did realise she was stringing me along and went to a pub. We were also going to a function but she couldn't give me the address because "I'll only know it if I walk past it".

She doesn't have ADHD/ADD nor shows signs of it.

A breathtakingly insensitive comment.

She literally is showing signs of it!

wow.

I suspect I have ADHD and mine is lack of planning. For example, this morning we needed to be somewhere for 11, I decided to go for a run at 9.30 but forgot to factor in a shower, drying hair, etc before we had to leave home at 10.40. We were late. Its generally things like this that make me late, I don't enjoy being late at all. In fact, it makes me very anxious

😱😱😱😱
what did you say?

looking forward to next week’s exciting thread on “why are people always LATE”

… and the one after that.

On my own, I am never late. Genuinely. I have huge anxiety about it. When we go out as a family, we are always, always late. This is because DH and DS have absolutely no sense of urgency whatsoever and take aeons to get ready. DS takes a good couple of hours to get out of bed (no exaggeration), is perpetually glued to his phone and has to be told 973 times to put on his shoes/brush his hair, and will disappear into the bathroom for a 45-minute poo at the very moment when everyone else needs it. DH just drifts around, picking up his guitar, watering plants, popping the news on, looking for random irrelevant objects, and just generally does nothing towards getting us as a collective ready. I am massively paranoid about lateness, which I regard as a form of rudeness, so I'm always ready and generally, through sheer exasperation, have DS's stuff ready, if not DS himself, but then DH will start with 'Have we locked the back gate/closed the upstairs windows/got that book I was going to lend my dad...?' I don't know - HAVE WE? Because I've got myself and DS ready, checked the weather, put the coats in the car, made the picnic, cleared up after myself, put the tickets in my bag, charged everyone's phones and messaged to check where we're all meeting, and you've pootled round the garden, sat on your arse playing guitar and then put on your shoes, so you tell me!

And breathe.....

@SunnyV huh? How is she literally showing signs of it?

All that I've said about my friend is that she is a late person, is very kind and really sweet.

Everyone falls on one side of the fence or the other.

The people who judge others for being late and proudly boast how they’re always on time are not my people. Neither are the people who take the piss with their lateness.

I do think though up to half an hour late for cafe is fine. Depends on the activity but I’m usually happy to crack my book out when friends are late. I never make firm time commitments with meet ups with families!!! It’s always early or late afternoon, the kind of activities where there’s things to do so you’re not sitting there with a sour face waiting 🤣

It never occurs to me that anything might go wrong. If I check a journey time, and it's 30 minutes, that's how long I allow for it - then I'm flabbergasted if my train is late, or the tube isn't running or whatever.

I can assure you that everyone was NOT on time before mobiles. I had one consistently late friend who I just gave up seeing in the end. Apart from some very severe cases it's just rudeness as most people are not late for work, flights etc.

And you don't remember this the next time?

@coffeeisthebest @EmmaH2022

It's just that those are good words to describe her. No of course she's not a child she's just a really lovely girl that I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings that's all as we've never fallen out or anything.

The thread was really more for me to understand why late people are late and I've been enlightened!

I told her I was there when I was actually still a way away, so we arrived at the same time. But we didn't see each other much after that! 😂

This is quite tricky actually. I’ve tried just bailing out on late friends, calling it off. But then the faff afterwards, of them apologising, but saying what about this time. Then rearranging, then late again… aaargh!

I’ve tried the ‘text when you are 30 mins away’. Also didn’t work.

It’s just annoying. Not sure how else to put it!

@ChristmasSirens yes, that too - usually because the washing has already been sitting there for 24 hours and I know if I leave it another 10 while I'm out of the house it won't be retrieveable 😳

Have a read up on it, I am as far from the typical male presentation (and so most coverage/awareness) of ADHD as you can get but reading on how it presents in adult women felt like getting the memo I always thought I'd missed about adult life. All the stuff other people "just" do that felt impossible but I didn't understand why!

Stupid as it sounds, no. I’m intelligent, I’m a doctor and have a PhD etc, but it was still a complete revelation when my husband sat me down and spelt out where I was going wrong (having watched me doing it for a couple of years and not understanding how I was always running late).

It’s like there was a page missing in the adulting instructions.

So what happens if you have to give a presentation to a big conference at 2pm?

@hilariousnamehere - thank you for that. I am increasingly convinced of this difference.

As to @scoobycute, I promise you that I do everything in my power not to be late, and being late upsets me a lot. Somehow also, it’s inevitable that my 5 mins late leaving the door (which has taken a massive effort) somehow gets multiplied by the random problems with the bus or train, an unusual queue, or not being able to find the place or parking etc

I said upthread I’m generally 5-10 mins late rather than an hour late like some posters. Things are significantly better since DH started helping me with planning travel times/when I need to get up. I did genuinely almost miss a viva (oral exam) in medical school because I didn’t plan for the tube being disrupted.

For something like a conference, I make sure I am there at the start of the session, not just before my talk starts. So if it’s a morning talk, I go up the day before. For online sessions I join at the start of the session anyway, because you never know when talks are going to over-run or finish quicker than you expect.

I find in person conferences much easier honestly, because I don’t have five other competing demands/people walking in to ask me a question/asking me to sign a prescription, or another meeting that finishes at the same time my talk starts. It is distractions that are my problem.

ADD here. Poor planning easily distracted, used to be late a lot (not now I am older).

You can pull her up on it, or just turn up 20 mins late yourself.

@scoobycute Thanks for asking and in a nice way. I love things like this. I'll drone on about my habits but I promise I'll try to help you deal with your late friend

I can be on time when I need to be -films, trains, planes etc but generally arrive up to 15 minutes after we have arranged to meet. I do not consider this to be late. I sometimes arrive up to 10 minutes before but in general I don't.

I'm good at planning journey times by counting backwards, factoring in door-to-door times and making a reasonable but not excessive allowance for delays like expecting the streets to be more crowded at 9am and 6pm than 11am or 9pm. Public transport is frequent and reliable where I live. I prefer to take buses than tubes because the view is nice but tubes are better in times of heavy traffic. I also walk quite a lot and know exactly how long that is going to take. I once had a job where I was 30 minutes' late on the first day which I was embarrassed about for a short while but once I had apologised I considered the matter closed. It was because I didn't realise how heavy the traffic was - roadworks. The next day and days thereafter I walked even in the rain. It was a nice walk and much better for me. It was about 40 minutes - 10 minutes' more than the advertised journey time but far less stressful than being stuck on the bus. I was still up to 15 minutes' late though.

Other latecomers give other reasons but I am late because I waste time. I do things - reading just one more article, water my plants, put the washing away - rather than getting ready. I can't speak for others but that is my honest answer and I think people who say it's not are possibly not telling the truth.

I could stop doing it but unless I am going to miss a plane I don't. I am always late for work by about 15 minutes. I've always done it and don't feel guilty about this. I don't drive a train or work in a shop or any of the many other places where you have to be on time. I am a good worker in other respects. Not as good as some but better than others.

Here are my tips for late management:

Always meet somewhere you can do something else in the meantime.

I have a very good friend who is generally about 20-30 minutes' late so later than me. We arrange to meet places where there is something for me to do. Films and dinner afterwards work for us. If the film is starting I'll go in and we'll meet at the end and go to the restaurant. It's not as if we were going to chat during the film so we don't need to be together. I have another friend, also a film fan, who turns up 30 minutes before the doors open even though it's always the same place so she knows how long it will take to get there. But she doesn't like to be late and if she's waiting around that's up to her.

My late friend has been later so has missed planes either because she has got to the airport too late or been faffing in duty free. She once turned up at the correct time but 24 hours late. This wouldn''t happen with me because I would know when we had to be there and would just leave if she wasn't ready. She knows this.

My husband, MIL and BIL are habitually over early which is very annoying. They will arrive places with at least an hour or more to spare. Not built-in emergency time for unforeseen circumstances but actually two hours waiting outside somewhere and rattling on the locked doors. They regard anyone who doesn't do this as late and get passive aggressive about it.

This is not prompt timekeeping and wastes people's precious time just as much as being late does. Luckily he doesn't do it as much as his family does because I will not do that.

I have been offended when I arrived at a restaurant 15 minutes after my booking to be scolded. I asked the waiter if he wanted me to leave and he said no and I said "okay I'll sit down". If they don't want me to come back them I won't and will spend my money elsewhere - no hard feelings just don't sulk and don't tell me off especially not in front of people. It's a regular place and the person had taken it upon himself to boss the customers into line said his partner.

Back to your friend. If you want to remain friends work out some of the things we do so you're not hanging around like a lemon. Or lie about times - it irritates me for a moment until I realise I have no right. If you don't want to be friends any more drop her with no guilt. Don't waste a lot of time trying to work out why she is like she is and definitely don't listen to those people who say that being late is because she thinks her time is more important and really because she thinks you're worthless. It's not.

Just decide whether it's worth seeing her any more.

PS the reason I could spend time on this long post is because I cooked the dinner hours ago and did all my housework and weeding. It's a chilli that I just have to warm up and cook the rice. I am very organised when I want to be.