Calling all LATE PEOPLE

[scoobycute]

Have a few genuine questions for people who are consistently late...(not strictly an AIBU thread)

What is it generally that makes you late? (e.g no time awareness of how long things/travel takes, being slow at tasks, poor planning??)

Would you be offended if a friend pulled you up on your lateness? (Consistent 15-30mins late per social meeting say, not the odd 5mins)

Do you get annoyed when you have a friend that "out-lates" you? Or do you just accept that time isn't an issue?

I'm really struggling with a late friend these days and just don't know if/how to address it. She is the sweetest girl ever but her time keeping is shocking and usually has me frustrated by the time she arrives thus setting the get-together off to a bad start.

[FudgeSundae]

I have ASD and as a result I HATE waiting. It makes me anxious and I also worry about the rest of the day being delayed.

[Dancingwithhyenas]

What is it generally that makes you late? (e.g no time awareness of how long things/travel takes, being slow at tasks, poor planning??)

A combination of autistic child delays (sensory issues not wanting to put on clothes or meltdown about something unexpected) and ND meaning I’m over optimistic with my timings. I’m also terrible at boundaries so sometimes find it awkward/rude to leave the previous thing when I need to.

Would you be offended if a friend pulled you up on your lateness? (Consistent 15-30mins late per social meeting say, not the odd 5mins)
Honestly yes and probably wouldn’t continue on the long run to be friends because we aren’t compatible.

Do you get annoyed when you have a friend that "out-lates" you? Or do you just accept that time isn't an issue?
I have done, yes. Particularly a friend who was very flaky and would just cancel. Ive come to understand it’s the way her world operates and to not overplan or spend too much time getting ready for her. On the flip side she is very up for last minute plans.

I'm really struggling with a late friend these days and just don't know if/how to address it. She is the sweetest girl ever but her time keeping is shocking and usually has me frustrated by the time she arrives thus setting the get-together off to a bad start.

[hilariousnamehere]

@RedFolder you just described my life 😂 I'm exactly the same, even though I must know on some level that getting from bed to out the door does not take 20 minutes, every day my brain thinks it just might? It's incredibly annoying!

@cbatopainttheshed it's very comforting to know I'm not alone in this, though I'm sorry you and the others also struggle with it.

[gotagooddeal]

I'm always on time and I have two small children. I think it's very inconsiderate when people are late especially when they've had the whole day to get sorted.

Example - I had a friend and she thought it was funny to be late. Being at her house and we have to be in central London for dinner at 8. I arrived at her house for 6 and she hadn't even showered. Was faffing about on her phone and talking on the house phone (not an important call btw). She took ages to get ready
It was so frustrating. We didn't end up leaving until 748 and still had to get the train into London. Obviously we were late and the rest had started eating without us

[coffeeisthebest]

@SleeplessInEngland

I let a friendship fizzle out because of chronic lateness. I think it was the utter indifference that got to me in the end, not even an apology or acknowledgment that it might be annoying.

I sometimes wonder if it was her way of exerting control, but maybe that’s overthinking it.

I had a similar situation, except she always would say the things that she had prioritised above being on time for me and they were things like, watching TV, sorting out bills, hanging out the washing, and she would say it as though it was plainly obvious why those things were more important than me. I just had to walk away in the end as it just seemed pointless. I also think it was about control for her.

[SleeplessInEngland]

I let a friendship fizzle out because of chronic lateness. I think it was the utter indifference that got to me in the end, not even an apology or acknowledgment that it might be annoying.

I sometimes wonder if it was her way of exerting control, but maybe that’s overthinking it.

[quiteinfuriating]

Also I'm always apologetic and would be mortified if you were upset.
I'm generally not more than a few minutes late.

Anything more than that is disrespectful

[quiteinfuriating]

ADHD means I procrastinate and don't allow enough time to do everything I need to do before leaving the house.

Many a morning I'm working or on MN or faffing with something and don't give myself enough time for a shower before the school run.

[Zeb81]

Time management is difficult (undiagnosed asd) but also factor in social anxiety, if a friend was going to raise an issue when I arrive it makes it worse not better

[tigger1001]

@LiarLiarKnickersAblaze

@tigger1001 those people sound awful and, like you said, you’re better off done with them.

Saw in another post you are studying as well as working full time and kids 💪 the only way to do that is to manage your time really well. You’re a rockstar 👩🏻‍🎤

Thank you.I do sometimes question my sanity at taking on everything but it will be worth it in the end.

I just stopped arranging stuff with them. Think it was after a year and I thought do you know I've not missed them that I realised they weren't worth my time.

[Cr22345678990]

I’m actually better now I have a toddler I’m really organised and on time, but when he was a baby I could barely get out the house I had PTSD and the stress exhaustion and baby crying used to make me incredibly late for everything.
For years before for this I was late for everything too , even work nearly lost multiple jobs. It was to do with anxiety about how I looked and face picking and spending along time trying to do my make up. Luckily I’m over all that now, I knew how annoying it was and how many people I pissed off it was awful.

[LiarLiarKnickersAblaze]

@tigger1001 those people sound awful and, like you said, you’re better off done with them.

Saw in another post you are studying as well as working full time and kids 💪 the only way to do that is to manage your time really well. You’re a rockstar 👩🏻‍🎤

[WhereAreMyAirpods]

I get the idea of it being difficult to estimate how long things are going to take, and being late as a consequence.

But I had a friend (note the past tense) who took this to the extreme. We were part of a group of 6-8 people, all with kids the same age, all of whom helped out with lifts to and from the kids' activities. One of the arrangements was that she would collect my DD to take her to dancing as her DD was in the same class and she would pick DD up at 7pm. Fine. She was usually a wee bit late but girls still got to dance for 7.15pm.

Then DD came back from dancing one night distraught because they had been told off for being "so late". On further probing, DD said that friend's son had started swimming lessons, and finished at 7.15pm. "Friend" thought it was entirely possible to get to the pool at 7.15pm, get her son out of the water, dried, dressed, back into the car and drive the 10 minutes to dancing, and arrive for the start of the class at 7.15pm. Whatever your difficulties, everyone knows you cannot be in two places at once.

She genuinely did not see why I had a massive issue with it. I do feel sorry for her kids as nobody will ever offer to lift-share with her any more as she is so unreliable and she now does a lot of moaning about how busy she is.

[LiarLiarKnickersAblaze]

@RightMessUp aggressive 🤣😂😂

[Plumbear2]

Its rude. Like another poster I plan the time I allow for coffee etc because I have to be back for my children. If someone is late by 15 minutes or more don't expect me to leave later to accommodate their lateness. Everyone needs to plan.

[Mary46]

Its a bad habit. My boss was a stickler for times. I found with my friend being late it effects other times of apts later on. It really is selfish.

[colouringfoxes]

I also have little concept of how long it takes me to do something unless I've timed it before. And I can't time every single possible action or interaction that might ever come up in my life. For example as a teenager I missed a whole 10 minute concert slot I was supposed to perform in because I went to the loo, looked in the mirror and decided to redo my hair. From the outside I look irresponsible and vain, to me I saw the hair, forgot I had to be somewhere in 2 minutes, spent 10 minutes carefully plaiting it, then went on my way only to find out that plaiting hair doesn't magically take 0 time!

[colouringfoxes]

In my case it's adhd and dyspraxia. I don't agree that if you can get to work on time you can get to everything on time you just clearly don't value the engagement enough. It's true, it's more important that I get to work on time than anything else, so I don't loose my job. I can't work currently, but when I did, work started the same time each day. I worked out how long it took me to get ready, walk there etc and then set permanent timers to go off at the right times. As long as I obeyed the many alarms then I could be on time. That doesn't work when meeting with friends because the time and place varies too much, I don't know exactly how long it takes to get there, I can't set up all the alarms in advance bc people think it's a good idea to arrange meet ups on the day or the day before. And also, yes, it's not as important to me as work. Being on time is a huge effort for me that takes up most of the day before the event, so it's only worth all that stress and difficulties for things like non-refundable travel. Otherwise I'd literally never get anything else done.

[HRTQueen]

@RedFolder

I am always late. For everything. I have no concept of time or how long things take. Even repeated routines like getting out of bed, having a shower and getting dressed. I do that every singe day. And yet, every single day, I think “oh it will only take me 30 minutes” even though experience tells me it will take closer to double that. It drives me MAD. My brain just can’t help itself, it’s like an internal competition to prove myself wrong, to ‘win’ by doing the task quicker than I did it yesterday. Even though I never, ever do and I am in a perpetual state or stress trying to rush everything.

if I am going to something non-routine, like a meet up with a friend or a hair appointment or something, I make extra special effort not to be late because I HATE letting people down or making people wait for me. So I will estimate how long I need, double it, and plan a sequence in my head of what I have to do. But something random will always go wrong to make me late. Like I can’t find my car keys, which live in the same spot every other day of the year, but this day, they are in an inexplicably random other place.

I remember one particularly infuriating time when I managed to make an impossible knot in my shoelaces and I couldn’t undo it. Literally spent about 10 minutes cursing my shoes and missed my train. I had been on time up to the point of putting my shoes on….

it doesn’t matter how much contingency time I plan in to my routine. Something always fucks it up.

I wouldn’t mind friends pulling me up on it, and they would accept it’s not deliberate on my part and I certainly don’t think my time is more valuable than theirs. It’s just one of my flaws.

That’s exactly how it is for me. I’m constantly stressed

my mum is always late but she doesn’t care but then she is very self selfish

one friend had a moan then I moaned back I am always the one going to see her and I make the effort with travelling so we bother have faults which we accept

many of my friends are late so it doesn’t bother me or them

I try hard to set a good example with ds but often fail makes me feel like I’m failing him ☹️ he is similar

ive once missed a flight but that wasn’t for once down to me and down to issues at the airport

[cbatopainttheshed]

@hilariousnamehere 's post near the beginning of the thread describes me exactly. I have a very responsible job and I struggle every day to be on time. I'm often late. I've missed many busses and trains. I've not missed a flight but that's because when I fly I'm so anxious of being late I get to the airport crazy early (I mean hours early) because I know I can't manage time, so planning to be an hour early isn't enough... I'd end up being late!
I was half an hour late to the church on my wedding day and didn't even realise I had arrived late until I was told in the days following!
I hate it about me. I can't explain why I'm late. I literally just have no concept of being able to manage or guess how long things take.

[Crochetandcoke]

ADHD means I really struggle with all the many steps in getting places on time. Add in small children and/ or public transport and if I'm going somewhere the likelihood is I'm going to be late. Either that, or considerably early. I can never hit the sweet spot of just being on time 😂

[RightMessUp]

@LiarLiarKnickersAblaze

@RightMessUp We all have senior professional jobs and kids. We just know what’s important in life 🤷‍♀️ And if you’re too much of a child to read for 20 minutes or occupy yourself, or get too caught up in overinflated feelings of pride about what your time is worth, then that’s just sad and likely symptomatic of people who turnover a good number of mates and don’t have deeper friendship connections. That seems to be a running theme of a lot of time-keeping complainers on this thread.

I’ve actually said several times on my posts when’s good to be on time. I’m referring to casual meet ups which a lot of people here schedule like a prison guard. Yeah if it’s the evening and you’re waiting on your lonesome in a bar but if it’s a casual coffee meet up with no activity scheduled, you’re fine,

Wow what an aggressive and unpleasant reply to my post. Not sure where you have got the idea that I can't occupy myself for 20 minutes. You've made that up. 🤷🏻‍♀️
I do things with my friends where it is annoying if people run late. If we are meeting in a car park to go for a walk for example. It's not being overly controlling to want to set a fixed time.



I've no problem at all with more flexible meet-ups if I know it's a flexible meet-up.

[tigger1001]

@LiarLiarKnickersAblaze

@tigger1001 I would never keep someone waiting if I knew it made them anxious. I have one friend who takes lateness very personally so I’m not late for her either. It’s more that this is my personal view and some friends get that and some don’t. Would never keep someone waiting hours. If it’s a casual coffee date or family meet up, tend to keep in constant comms since the night before/morning with both sides explaining what’s occurring e.g. so and so won’t nap or poo explosion. That’s why with family meet ups we tend to organise activities we can crack on with until friends arrive or organise coffee dates I can chill out with waiting. I just don’t think it’s hard to be accommodating.

I get that.

But many on here seem to think it's ok not to be in contact and just expect others to hang around waiting. It's like they are saying their time is more valuable than mine. And I should be grateful that they actually turned up. Have actually experienced (several times - same so called friend) that they decided not to turn up but didn't bother letting me know. And it's always "oh something came up" - code for something else I would prefer to do came up -was never an emergency.

I've cut these types out of my life - and I'm much happier for it.

[tigger1001]

@LadyScouse

I do think though up to half an hour late for cafe is fine

No, it's not. When I meet someone for coffee, I usually allow 1-1.5 hours for it. If you turn up late, I am still sticking to that. It's not OK to sit there for half an hour in a coffee shop and wait for someone. For me, 10-15 mins is ok and anything after that is rude.

Totally agree. I have had to leave half hour after a friend arrived (as they were 40 minutes late) as I had other stuff to do.

I work full time, am studying and have 2 kids. Time is precious so constantly waiting around for others has an impact.

[GeekyThings]

I'm always slightly early for things, usually by around 10 minutes. I do have a couple of friends who I've had for years who have always been consistently late for everything. My friendship group used to try and amount for this by telling them everything started an hour earlier than it did, but I'm not sure if they knew because they'd still be late, even when we did that!

What I've done for the last 10 years now is I take the pressure off them and everyone else by only inviting them to things that aren't strictly timed (so we don't go to see a movie or a show together); and if we do go somewhere like a restaurant where there's a booking I'll only meet up with them in a group, so I'm not sitting on my own, and we start without them, which they're fine with and they understand. I also don't meet up with them when I've got further plans in the day because I'll get annoyed if them being late cuts into my time to get other stuff done.

I find this works really well, no one gets stressed out or upset with each other. The friends who are always late don't have any special needs considerations, and it probably is in part that they don't consider something that isn't work to be something that they strictly need to be on time for. They've also both admitted to just timing things badly, like making a cup of tea 10 minutes before they're supposed to leave, even they clearly won't be able to drink a piping hot cup of tea in 10 minutes! That can be annoying for other people, but if you do workarounds like we have it doesn't matter so much.

There is a caveat though - I think having two friends who are like this is enough, and if I made a new friend outside of this long-standing friendship group and it turned out they were consistently late, I would be unlikely to carry on being friends with them and I'd go back to being acquaintances only. It is a lot of extra work for me to try and accommodate my late friends already, and I wouldn't want a second group or person where I have to put in that much extra effort.

But if you feel your friend is worth the effort then maybe try similar tactics to the ones I've mentioned above - it'll take the pressure off both of you, and also it'll be easier if you do decide to talk about it because you can reassure her that this is the reason you've made these accommodations, which she'll probably appreciate!