Calling all LATE PEOPLE

[scoobycute]

Have a few genuine questions for people who are consistently late...(not strictly an AIBU thread)

What is it generally that makes you late? (e.g no time awareness of how long things/travel takes, being slow at tasks, poor planning??)

Would you be offended if a friend pulled you up on your lateness? (Consistent 15-30mins late per social meeting say, not the odd 5mins)

Do you get annoyed when you have a friend that "out-lates" you? Or do you just accept that time isn't an issue?

I'm really struggling with a late friend these days and just don't know if/how to address it. She is the sweetest girl ever but her time keeping is shocking and usually has me frustrated by the time she arrives thus setting the get-together off to a bad start.

I’m always late, have been since a teenager. I have ADD so I struggle with time management and how long things will take me to do and I get easily distracted with other things whilst getting ready etc. two of my children also have asd and adhd and they are the same so it takes much longer to get out of the house.

Usually its because dd is having a meltdown when I havent got time for low arousal. School asked if we needed help because it was really messing up DS' day (he has asd). We'd already agreed new strategies about half an hour before the mail came and they seem to have largely done the trick.

@crazymare20 ah I see I hadn't considered ADD or ADHD being a contributing factor.

and would you be offended if a friend pulled you up on it?

Do you get annoyed if people are late? Or maybe you relate to them so it's not an issue?

ADHD time blindness. I'm 36 and was only diagnosed last year. Even with meds which help a lot in lots of ways, the only way I've ever been able to be on time for something is to not do anything else that takes attention or concentration or focus that day until after the thing I need to be on time for.

So if I'm meeting a friend for dinner, I could be on time - if I literally spend the entire day just watching the clock and setting thirty or so alarms and battling the anxiety that comes with it - no work, no leaving the house, no focus on anything in case I get into flow and then am late. I never have a medical or dentist appt after 9.30am if I can possibly help it - because otherwise it fucks over my whole day. And I'm self employed so deadlines are a bit critical!

It's not practical and it drives me mad - I have sympathy for you being the one dealing with the lateness but honestly, if I am your friend who is late, I wish so much I wasn't always bloody late.

It takes a ridiculous amount of energy to manage, while still not succeeding in being prompt, and I hate it, but have been trying my whole life to overcome it. Fortunately my friends know me, love me, and work with it - it's not deliberate!

I honestly don’t get mad if people are late especially if they have children. Being a parent is hard enough and I think it’s better when people are supportive but being said that works both ways and turning up late all the time without discussing it is not really on. My friends and family are aware of it and to be honest it’s a bit of a joke now and they don’t get mad with me. I would speak to her about it and just ask if there is anything she is struggling with etc

Would you be offended if a friend pulled you up on your lateness? (Consistent 15-30mins late per social meeting say, not the odd 5mins)

I am always on time and consistent lateness really annoys me.
I just tell 'those' friends a time 20 minutes earlier than I actually want to meet. Right result and no risk of offence. The one time such a friend was miraculously on time, thus making me late, I came clean and we both had a good laugh about it.

My DP is always late, always.

If you tell him something starts at 9pm, he will leave the house at 9.05pm. Even when it comes to appointments and work he's late. It's something we've argued about many times. He genuinely doesn't see the problem. So what if I'm a bit late, is his attitude 🙄

No additional issues, I just don't think he cares enough about other people's time. He's quite laid back (lazy) in other parts of his life. I'm starting to think its a personality trait.

I have a friend who is always 30-40 minutes late. I used to plan for it. But after the last time I met him, I've had enough and it's disrespectful of my time. If he had an underlying issue or young children, I wouldn't mind at all. But he doesn't. I bet he makes it to work in time.

Ahhh @Toddlerteaplease that's me - and I am single and childfree and people used to say "I bet you make it to work on time" - I didn't. I was consistently an hour to two hours late for work - which was a four minute drive away - for about a year and a half before I quit to work for myself. Obviously can't speak for your friend but I annoy myself as much as I annoy other people with my inability to be on time. I can't tell you how much I would love to be able to just do things on time like normal people!

(and yes, I set alarms, made lists, got up earlier, went to bed earlier, had a fine box, had meetings about it, had people phone me to remind me - nothing worked and I was exhausted from trying and failing by the time I left)

Sometimes I say a time to meet late friends and arrive 15 minutes later than the set time - which may then coincide with when the late person gets there or at least means I'm not waiting so long. Or I arrive early with a little plan to kill time until they arrive. I'm crazy about being on time to the extent that I'm often early - it's hard to manage that as well! DH is much more "relaxed" about time keeping - I envy him his lack of stress over it tbh.

There are so many reasons for persistent lateness! For me, the main ones are

Genuinely believing that what I want to do beforehand is more important / my friend won't mind waiting. This is more of an occasional reason for me usually - some minor emergency. However, I do have a few friends who are very very often late to meet me, so with them I regularly don't bother trying hard to be on time. I figure we have an understanding that we will turn up when we feel like it and neither of us even bothers to apologise unless we are over 30 min late.

Sometimes I am late because I haven't worked out the details of how long it will take me to get ready and out the door, or how long I need to allow for the bus (given that they are seldom on time). I have got much better at this in recent years, but it took me a long while to realise such basic facts as that it doesn't take zero time to change clothes, go to the loo, shut the windows and lock the doors.

I have always been capable of getting somewhere on time if it is something I view as very important, like a job interview. In that case I add in masses of extra time, bearing in mind that it is better to be 45 min early and have a wander round the neighbourhood than to be late.

I do have a couple of friends who have made it clear that they expect me to be on time, so when I meet them I am on time. I don't like it, because it is hard work (like having a job interview every time I see them), but I think they are reasonable to expect it.

I'm late a lot - including consistently to work.

I'm just massively optimistic about how long things will take me and either get distracted or just am invadvertently unrealistic. I try to adjust but am usually then ridiculously early and anxious.

My DC both have issues which makes getting ready for them difficult sometimes which again can result in lateness.

Ultimately I prioritise my DC's wellbeing over lateness, I'd rather be 10 mins late then shout or manhandle them ideally - but not always the case!

(I do have some other ADHD type traits but don't think I have ADHD or would get a diagnosis.)

Oh and if someone else is late and I'm on time, no I'm very forgiving and usually relieved!

All very interesting replies thanks!

I've tried the telling her a time 30mins earlier thing and she was on time then, yes she got a taste of her own medicine..but then I felt like I was just as bad and had joined the "late person" club and I hate being late. Like I was stooping to the "being late" level which didn't sit right 😂

We both have young children. I always factor in potential meltdowns, dirty nappies, full outfit changes so leave a good 20 mins away extra for that...but she obviously doesn't.

She doesn't have ADHD/ADD nor shows signs of it.

I just can't help but feel that unintentionally she believes "her time is more valuable than mine". It is so so difficult because other than this she is so very kind and sensitive and such a sweet girl.

i have a friend who is always late and I’ve pulled her up on it a few times, she’s better now. During the worst of it when she arrived 30 mins late to dinner she once said no, I was actually early! But you weren’t here yet so I just went to drop something off at my friends and had a cup of tea. With her it felt like a power thing, she didn’t like waiting for people and wanted them to wait for her.

Anxiety and procrastination in my case, I strongly suspect I have ASD (DD currently going through diagnosis) and find having to be somewhere at a certain time really stressful. I don't go out much, spend most of my time at home so just the fact that I have to leave the house throws me into a panic and then add needing to be on time into the mix and I'm a hot mess!

I react by trying to sabotage myself being ready (so I don't have to go basically), I know damn well I should be getting ready, and that I will end up even more stressed because I'm late but I can't seem to galvanise myself into action, it's almost like it paralyses me. And then sometimes I'll bail and just not go, and sometimes I find a bit of last minute determination and rush round like a lunatic to be ready but I'm then inevitably late.

The result is I'm regarded as 'flaky', I can't help it and it's something people can choose to accept or not, I completely understand when it's not. No I wouldn't be offended to be pulled up on it, if it's never been discussed it gives me an opportunity to explain and if it has I understand that it's still annoying and wouldn't want you to feel you couldn't say so. And no, I don't get annoyed by other people being late, if people are prepared to forgive me for it I'm more than happy to do the same for them.

I think been late is rude. As a pal once pointed out, before mobiles everyone was on time as you could not message and make excuses. I bet they are not 30mins late for a flight or work, just people\occasions they think will get away with it.

I used to be a 10mins early person but since Covid and lockdowns I am now an on time within a couple of minutes person (appointments did not allow waiting).

I used to struggle with this. I’m dyspraxic. I’ve developed strategies over time. I still get quite stressed about delays.

If someone else chronically struggles with time, I do tend to wonder if they have an undiagnosed or undisclosed issue.

These days I arrive early for things and read in the car or I make flexible arrangements to meet between x time and y time, preferably at someone’s house or at a neutral location, NOT the restaurant/theatre/whatever.

If you raise it, don’t “pull her up”, do it sympathetically and suggest something as above.

I'm not sure actually a perfectionist and a although you wouldn't believe it if you saw my house, I get really agitated if I leave and surfaces are dirty etc. I actually have good intentions

I hate lateness. I stopped meeting a friend for lunch after she was an hour late for the umpteenth time. I’d already ordered and was part through my lunch when she arrived. It’s the height of rudeness to keep people hanging round. It’s SO inconsiderate and then you often get the coy giggle and ‘you know me, I’m always late’ as if it was somehow appealing.
I think you’d be within your rights to pull the plug on the relationship if they can’t afford you the courtesy of being on time.

My children make me late.

Every time. Last minute poos, disasters, drama, arguments, meltdowns, phone calls etc.

Late person here, currently waiting for assessment for autism/ADHD. I try really hard, but it makes little difference. I really struggle to manage my time effectively. There are things I do to help like planning to be early so I can pop into a shop or something, which almost definitely ends up not getting done because I am then ‘on time’. It’s not a lack of care or thought about the other person, I genuinely feel that I will be on time. I feel guilty and shitty about it and it leads to me socialise less and less because I feel like such a crappy person. The high horse brigade on here really don’t get it.

I don’t mind or care if others are late, I get it.

I think if I was just meeting a friend for dinner I'd take a book and get myself a glass of wine before they arrive. Basically I'd try and adapt the situation so I'm never left standing around somewhere.

As far as that goes, I would indeed be late for flights and work if I framed it myself that “I have to be at location A at time B”. So I don’t do that.

There are a lot of people out there with impaired executive function who haven’t learnt the tricks and workarounds yet.