So many things contributed to my lateness. But ultimately it is entirely my responsibility to manage it and I am mortified when it affects other people.
Due to the nature of my job, I have worked hard to address it and I am now well organised and whilst I’m not perfect, I can be consistently on time.
It’s a always going to be a work in progress, in that I have to maintain the progress I’ve made and not allow myself to slip back when under pressure etc.
I think the main things for me personally were my upbringing (one of my parents had exactly the same issues with transitioning from one place/activity/space to another), they also got incredibly anxious and stressed when it was ‘time to leave’- especially when we were leaving to go away e.g. on holiday… just thinking about it makes me feel stressed!!
Over the years I’ve studied other families and spoken about it with my friends (some are always late and some are very punctual… to understand what makes the difference) and to see if our upbringings differed. I started to realise that in childhood, I didn’t get any support to organise myself or take responsibility for things like planning or organising or packing my school things. One of my parents would take control and do a lot of things for us (I think because they were so absorbed in their own stress that they didn’t have the capacity or time to slow down and help us learn to do it for ourselves.) I think they had the best and most generous intentions but it didn’t help us to become functional and independent! They were in complete control but this didn’t allow for any facilitation, there was no time for us to learn by going through the messy process of ‘trying’ and making mistakes and improving.
My parents were liberal and loving. They were also very much in charge. We were very well behaved. But everything was a bit frantic and stressful when it came to how we operated as a unit… little things like packing bags, leaving at a set time, were chaotic. We were not involved in planning and they didn’t communicate with us the way I hope I do with my child… we just had to fall in line when it was suddenly time to go.
What I did learn was a massive degree of flexibility and adaptability. Not always put to positive use. As a young person I would endure a lot of physical discomfort and emotional discomfort- people waffling on and on at me when it was actually time to go- I would end up staying long beyond when I wanted to be somewhere. Or waited hours to go to the toilet because someone else needed me to rush somewhere else or do something else. I didn’t feel capable of asserting myself.
It kind of all boils down to boundaries.
Whilst we weren’t involved in planning and didn’t have any real control over situations (we were just kids), my other parent tended to treat us like little adults. So we felt very responsible for things and tried to compensate for things that we shouldn’t have been grappling with at such a young age. So we were overwhelmed and stressed but completely lacking the skills, experience or authority to take charge or manage ourselves/ the situation in a healthy, functional, boundaried way.
The boundaries of time and space were always stretched and warped. We all flew by the seat of our pants.
Secondly, I had undiagnosed absence seizures as a kid, so was always missing vital information and getting told off for not listening. The brain bleeds causing the seizures were not diagnosed till way later in life and have caused significant damage in the area of my brain that manages working memory and executive function. I can’t recognise faces or follow directions to navigate my way around places. It’s a nightmare for planning and staying organised.
From my own personal observations, it seems most people have logical reasons for being late… sometimes cognitive, sometimes psychological BUT ultimately, a reason is not the same as an excuse. Even if we have a valid reason and even if it’s not our fault, we are still responsible for managing our own behaviour as best we can.
But you can only manage/ improve something if you realise it’s an issue.
Are they conscious of their lateness?
Have you ever told them how you feel? And how their lateness affects you, your plans, your time and your friendship?
It’s disrespectful of your time and your friendship to be treated this way.
Does your friend recognise this is a problem? That they are affecting other people?
If they do, do they recognise it’s their problem to address?
Are they able to acknowledge it? Or do they shrug it off? or are they defensive about it?
If they are open to help, can you be supportive but maintain healthy boundaries?
If they they are not open to changing, can you set clear and firm boundaries? E.g. hold them to account each time and leave if they haven’t turned up within a reasonable timeframe?
Good luck. It’s so frustrating. But if they are able to acknowledge what’s going on and they seek the right support, they CAN change.