Calling all LATE PEOPLE

[scoobycute]

Have a few genuine questions for people who are consistently late...(not strictly an AIBU thread)

What is it generally that makes you late? (e.g no time awareness of how long things/travel takes, being slow at tasks, poor planning??)

Would you be offended if a friend pulled you up on your lateness? (Consistent 15-30mins late per social meeting say, not the odd 5mins)

Do you get annoyed when you have a friend that "out-lates" you? Or do you just accept that time isn't an issue?

I'm really struggling with a late friend these days and just don't know if/how to address it. She is the sweetest girl ever but her time keeping is shocking and usually has me frustrated by the time she arrives thus setting the get-together off to a bad start.

[Readinginthesun]

I had a friend who was always late . No underlying health issues , no young DC just always late. If we were going out for a meal I would tell her a time an hour earlier until one day another friend said we were pandering so we told her the correct time , she wafted in just over an hour late and was furious that we had started without her. We ( nicely) told her that her lateness was rude etc
She didn’t improve , she just genuinely thought she should be able to turn up when she wanted .
It came to a head when 4 of us were going on a city break . Went over times etc several times so she exactly when she would have to be ready . She was getting picked up last as she lived nearest the airport.
On the day , she wasn’t ready . I phoned her as we approached her house . “ ok I will just have a shower” !!!!!
We sat outside for half an hour then I went to the door . She wasn’t packed .
We left as we were starting to run late , got to the airport and she phoned furious . We told her to get her DH to drop her off or get a taxi and hopefully she would make it .
We were literally boarding when she phoned to say she was just leaving !!
She missed the flight , tried to get us to refund the money she lost and the friendship ended.

[cawfeee]

I'm over optimistic how long it will take me to do something, get somewhere.
Also read something about 'late people' tending to be multi taskers, so i'll try to do multiple things in too little time.
It's not a selective thing with me, I'm not on time for 'important things' like appointments, aeroplanes, like I've heard mentioned before when this topic comes up, unless I am with a punctual person. I'm just not good at gauging time, but it usually only 5- 10 mins max that I am late.
I've tried to fix it, because I am constantly rushing everywhere, I honestly envy people that can manage to their time properly.

[CuntAmongstThePigeons]

I'm always late, always have been. It's ADHD time blindness. All my friends tell me an earlier time to meet and I deliberately work a job where time keeping is unimportant.

[amoobaa]

So many things contributed to my lateness. But ultimately it is entirely my responsibility to manage it and I am mortified when it affects other people.

Due to the nature of my job, I have worked hard to address it and I am now well organised and whilst I’m not perfect, I can be consistently on time.

It’s a always going to be a work in progress, in that I have to maintain the progress I’ve made and not allow myself to slip back when under pressure etc.

I think the main things for me personally were my upbringing (one of my parents had exactly the same issues with transitioning from one place/activity/space to another), they also got incredibly anxious and stressed when it was ‘time to leave’- especially when we were leaving to go away e.g. on holiday… just thinking about it makes me feel stressed!!

Over the years I’ve studied other families and spoken about it with my friends (some are always late and some are very punctual… to understand what makes the difference) and to see if our upbringings differed. I started to realise that in childhood, I didn’t get any support to organise myself or take responsibility for things like planning or organising or packing my school things. One of my parents would take control and do a lot of things for us (I think because they were so absorbed in their own stress that they didn’t have the capacity or time to slow down and help us learn to do it for ourselves.) I think they had the best and most generous intentions but it didn’t help us to become functional and independent! They were in complete control but this didn’t allow for any facilitation, there was no time for us to learn by going through the messy process of ‘trying’ and making mistakes and improving.

My parents were liberal and loving. They were also very much in charge. We were very well behaved. But everything was a bit frantic and stressful when it came to how we operated as a unit… little things like packing bags, leaving at a set time, were chaotic. We were not involved in planning and they didn’t communicate with us the way I hope I do with my child… we just had to fall in line when it was suddenly time to go.

What I did learn was a massive degree of flexibility and adaptability. Not always put to positive use. As a young person I would endure a lot of physical discomfort and emotional discomfort- people waffling on and on at me when it was actually time to go- I would end up staying long beyond when I wanted to be somewhere. Or waited hours to go to the toilet because someone else needed me to rush somewhere else or do something else. I didn’t feel capable of asserting myself.

It kind of all boils down to boundaries.

Whilst we weren’t involved in planning and didn’t have any real control over situations (we were just kids), my other parent tended to treat us like little adults. So we felt very responsible for things and tried to compensate for things that we shouldn’t have been grappling with at such a young age. So we were overwhelmed and stressed but completely lacking the skills, experience or authority to take charge or manage ourselves/ the situation in a healthy, functional, boundaried way.

The boundaries of time and space were always stretched and warped. We all flew by the seat of our pants.

Secondly, I had undiagnosed absence seizures as a kid, so was always missing vital information and getting told off for not listening. The brain bleeds causing the seizures were not diagnosed till way later in life and have caused significant damage in the area of my brain that manages working memory and executive function. I can’t recognise faces or follow directions to navigate my way around places. It’s a nightmare for planning and staying organised.

From my own personal observations, it seems most people have logical reasons for being late… sometimes cognitive, sometimes psychological BUT ultimately, a reason is not the same as an excuse. Even if we have a valid reason and even if it’s not our fault, we are still responsible for managing our own behaviour as best we can.

But you can only manage/ improve something if you realise it’s an issue.

Are they conscious of their lateness?

Have you ever told them how you feel? And how their lateness affects you, your plans, your time and your friendship?

It’s disrespectful of your time and your friendship to be treated this way.

Does your friend recognise this is a problem? That they are affecting other people?

If they do, do they recognise it’s their problem to address?

Are they able to acknowledge it? Or do they shrug it off? or are they defensive about it?

If they are open to help, can you be supportive but maintain healthy boundaries?

If they they are not open to changing, can you set clear and firm boundaries? E.g. hold them to account each time and leave if they haven’t turned up within a reasonable timeframe?

Good luck. It’s so frustrating. But if they are able to acknowledge what’s going on and they seek the right support, they CAN change.

[WibblyWobblyLane]

I managed it pre-children by being excessively early. A meet up with a friend, I'd plan my time to be an hour before and then just walk about a bit until the right time. Now with not only myself but a child, I'm frequently 20-30 mins late. I'd be really upset if a friend pulled me up on it because it's not like I'm sat on my arse watching TV too long, I'm really trying my best to get there. In most instances I'm late because people like to meet closer to theirs and I'll plan a time etc and check google maps and leave myself half an hour for traffic, but actually traffic takes a bit longer, I forgot to get petrol which is another 10 minutes added to the journey and all of this adds up. Whereas when we meet closer to me, I'm less likely to be late. I'm not late for flights because I plan to arrive 3-4 hours before the flight, so I might be later than my personal time, but still on time for the flight, if that makes sense. I would aim to be 60 to 90 minutes early for a train from the main station and 40 minutes early for the local platform. Like the pp said, to be on time requires lots of clock watching and anxiety and my entire day will be dedicated to getting to that event on time.

[Drivebye]

I have a friend who has very poor time management. She was so late once that it was obvious that she hadn't even left the house at the time we were due to meet, I was furious and it ruined my evening, ftom then on I always ask her to text me when she's leaving as invariably we are either travelling the same distance or her slightly more.

I must admit I don't understand the asd/adhd thing. If it's difficult to turn up at a set time what time do you turn up? We hi C are you always late snd not early

[ThorsBedazzler]

I underestimate:

• my children and their ability to move faster than the pace of a snail when we need to go somewhere on time
• my husband's belief that being on time is a flexible thing. He claims this is an Irish thing. I think it's a genetic thing linked to his father believing he can turn up whenever he wants and other people have nothing better to do than wait for him.

It's a struggle and whilst my husband is improving, he still doesn't get places on time. Socially, work wise he can magically manage it.

[RealBecca]

Quite often late people plan to be there on time (1pm) but people who are actually on time plan to be early (1245).

[IneffableGenderFairy]

With my adhd, as with many PPs, it takes a huge practical and emotional effort to be on time, and it exhausts me. To the point that I rarely go out.

I am on time, but it does feel like preparing for a job interview, rather than for some fun.

My most relaxed nights are with others like me, who aren't judging me and seething. Obviously.

[nokidshere]

I'm an early person, I've never been late and would always make sure I'm near the meeting place in plenty of time even if that means I have to find something to do for a bit.

Most of my friends are usually on or near the right time so it's never an issue really, they all laugh at me for being so early. I accept that my being early is my issue not theirs. My one friend who has always been late, sometimes hours, I either change the time and tell her an earlier one or I stay at home until she at least texts me she's actually on her way. Whilst she's never late for work she tells me that 'it's a Black thing' 🤷🏼‍♀️

[cardibach]

@DogsDryWineAndCheese you say this about flights: If I’m getting a flight then I try to get to the airport about 3/4 hours prior otherwise I know I’d miss the flight
can’t you employ 5e same strategy for everything? Not 3 hours, obviously, but if you are consistent,y, say, 20 mins late then aim to be there 30/40 minutes early - yes, it would mean you had to wait instead of the other person if it worked, but you know it probably won’t, and anyway why should everyone else do the waiting all the time?
I sympathise with the issue, I’ve worked with young people who struggle in the same way, but that seems the obvious solution. Not just for you, obviously, for everyone with this issue.

As a separate point - people seem to be doing a lot of waiting without knowing when the late person will arrive. That is rude. When you leave and it’s obvious you will be late (or already are) why not just text? Too many seem not to be doing that.

[Mythreefavouritethings]

Second ADHD blindness here too. Right now, I should be starting to get ready to meet someone in an hour or so. Quite manageable at this point, but in the moment I get absorbed in something else or I get restless if I have any space in my 'get ready' time, almost like I can't start until I am against the clock and have generated a strong enough emotion to act. I have sat down and started reading things here which I know is a baaaad idea. It is rude and I can see how it damages friendships. I am now going to go and start getting ready as I am being very unreasonable sitting here and joining in.

[Paperdove87]

Mine is because of anxiety. I'm working on it. Even if I'm meeting my closest friends who I love dearly there is a large part of me who doesn't want to go. So I procrastinate and faff to put off the inevitable and end up being late. I was late for school almost every day. It has taken me years to understand that it is not disorganisation or timekeeping issues, I am self-sabotaging because I don't really want to do the thing. Recognising my underlying issue has helped me improve, although I haven't fixed the problem entirely.

[Barleysugar86]

I think it's hard to explain if your brain doesn't work that way. Time is a constant huge stressor. A set time is a source of anxiety long before it arrives. They've run studies that show people with persistent lateness have a poor estimation of time (they removed clocks from a room and asked people to buzz in when they thought a minute had passed/ five minutes/ ten minutes etc). Those with persistent lateness hugely overestimated how long each time period was as a i recall.

You don't really have to tell a late friend 'off' for it because believe me they will be frustrated at themselves anyway and have probably already berated themselves for it. I hate that I am late for things, occasionally I can make good but I slip constantly. Work, friends, partners, it's never a reflection on where i am going or who i see. I think it's just something that if you love a person who struggles with this you find a way to work around, like you would if they were on the spectrum or depressed or (like one dear friend of mine) is so creeped out by balloons we have to leave a place sharpish if she sees one.

Several friends give me a time slot of an hour to aim for and ask me to text them as I'm leaving the house and they'll leave then so it's not an issue. Often that means I'm the one waiting for them and I find that fine. Or we arrange to meet in a large store so my friend can wander around shopping until I'm there. Having people (and work) that accepts that part of me and works around it and still loves me is priceless because I feel I am so much more than my lateness.

[blebbleb]

@HinchcliffeandMurgatroyd I don't think you needed to call me a dick for having an opinion! Lots of other people have said the same without that kind of aggression?

[EmmaH2022]

@Saracen

There are so many reasons for persistent lateness! For me, the main ones are

Genuinely believing that what I want to do beforehand is more important / my friend won't mind waiting. This is more of an occasional reason for me usually - some minor emergency. However, I do have a few friends who are very very often late to meet me, so with them I regularly don't bother trying hard to be on time. I figure we have an understanding that we will turn up when we feel like it and neither of us even bothers to apologise unless we are over 30 min late.

Sometimes I am late because I haven't worked out the details of how long it will take me to get ready and out the door, or how long I need to allow for the bus (given that they are seldom on time). I have got much better at this in recent years, but it took me a long while to realise such basic facts as that it doesn't take zero time to change clothes, go to the loo, shut the windows and lock the doors.

I have always been capable of getting somewhere on time if it is something I view as very important, like a job interview. In that case I add in masses of extra time, bearing in mind that it is better to be 45 min early and have a wander round the neighbourhood than to be late.

I do have a couple of friends who have made it clear that they expect me to be on time, so when I meet them I am on time. I don't like it, because it is hard work (like having a job interview every time I see them), but I think they are reasonable to expect it.

This is very honest. I still did a double take reading it though.

I think I have ADHD, but I am not late. I decided not to bother with late people. The reasons don't matter, it's just such a pain. When you've spent hours wandering in shops etc you just think "sod 'em".

[cardibach]

@RealBecca

Quite often late people plan to be there on time (1pm) but people who are actually on time plan to be early (1245).

Exactly this. I always plan to be places early. Very occasionally something will happen that makes me a bit late even so, but it’s very, very rare and I’d text and let people know as soon as I knew it was happening (eg a traffic jam). It’s trying to arrive on time that’s the issue. Try to arrive early.

[dizzydizzydizzy]

I've got a friend who is always late and I think it's a power thing in her case. It's to let everyone know that she is ever so much in demand and her time is more important. DP is much the same and he is a narcissist, so it's all part of his abusive behaviour. I can get around it by agreeing a time with him that is half an hour earlier than the real time.

[cardibach]

Here’s another one admitting it (@Saracen this time) I have always been capable of getting somewhere on time if it is something I view as very important, like a job interview. In that case I add in masses of extra time, bearing in mind that it is better to be 45 min early and have a wander round the neighbourhood than to be late.
Do. This. For. Friends. Too.

[dizzydizzydizzy]

I have to add that if we are going on holiday or anywhere that is very important to DP he I is never late and in fact in those occasions he is often the first to be ready so I know he is capable of being on time.

[ChagSameachDoreen]

ADHD is no excuse. My DH has it, and he is absolutely meticulous about setting alarms and making sure he is on time. The idea of his issues impacting others is abhorrent to him.

[IneffableGenderFairy]

But do you want your friends to feel about meeting up with you the same way they feel about prepping for a job interview?

The intense anxiety?

I don't want my friends to feel that way about me.

As I said above, I do manage to be on time most of the time, but I did have some friends who eye-rolled at me regularly because of my 'scattiness'. I dumped them during lock-down.

[autienotnaughty]

Reason 1
Kids, dogs, lots todo lots to remember. At times getting out the house on time is a challenge.
Reason 2 I'll do a plan either in my head or on paper ie 8am get up, 830 get dressed etc. and either I don't allow enough time so run late or I'll forget an important factor such as needing to get petrol. I do hate being late tho.

Ils are always 1-2 hours late when visiting and never give a reason or explanation. We now tell them an hour earlier than we want to meet. But if we are 15 minutes late to then and they are waiting they do not stop moaning.

[rnsaslkih]

You could plan for it in other ways. Eg you aim to meet her in a coffee shop at 10. If you take 30mins of work or admin then you can do that until she arrives.

im not sure I’d pull her up on it directly - she’s obviously late and so you wouldn’t be telling her something she’s unaware of.

if you can’t tolerate it, you could just drop her. It’s a good enough reason.

[00100001]

My friend would always be late and leave things to the last minute.

I left her alone in a train station in Italy, because she was running late. Again. We'd missed a train earlier in the holiday, and had to hang around the station for the next one.
We'd had to scramble through the UK airport, because she hadn't booked the taxi (even though she said she had) for the 5:30am departure. So she had to ring around to find any taxi, left around 6:30, got to airport late, to be met with loooooong security queues etc, got on the plane by the skin of our teeth.
She'd also made us late for a pre-booked tour,so we missed that.
So I'd said from then on "I'm not waiting for you again".

Train left at 10am, she wasn't there "just running a few minutes late!" I got on train and sent her message saying "I'm on the train, let me know when you get to Naples and we'll meet somewhere"


No regrets.