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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband doesn't want to pay early pregnancy scan

287 replies

Newmamak · 05/08/2022 21:19

My husband doesn't want to pay for an early scan ( I'm hopefully 7 weeks now) because he views it as we are paying the NHS with our taxes for one. He is very tight with money, not stingy but his immediate response is to never spend anything (I'm not complaining, he has good money sense and savings) but his reaction was really hurtful to me as it's only £55 and last week we went out to dinner in a nice restaurant with his friends and our share cost £80 alone so I can't understand why that 1 meal is more important than an early scan. It really hurt me that he is not excited about it like I am. He is all logic and I know I'm more emotional than normal if that's possible, but everything with him is so unemotional that I just feel so alone. Especially because I can't tell anyone. Once I started crying with disappointment, and explained why, he said just get the scan. But I'm so hurting right now. I know he doesn't process like I do and is trying his best, all housework, foot rubs dinner every day but I'm just so disappointed. I've felt so emotionally lonely the past few weeks I can't even being myself to hug him right now... am I completely unreasonable? Does anyone understand?

OP posts:

Alfenstein · 05/08/2022 21:20

YABU

Why don't you pay for one if you want it?

Ontomatopea · 05/08/2022 21:21

It might not seem as "real" to him just yet as it does to you. Try not to fret too much about it at this stage and I hope all goes well for your scan.

RJnomore1 · 05/08/2022 21:21

Why do you want one? Are you worried?

Ontomatopea · 05/08/2022 21:22

Why are you having foot rubs? I'd save those for later on unless your feet are particularly sore right now

Original poster

Newmamak · 05/08/2022 21:22

I am willing to pay for it, and I also paid for the meal last week fyi. It's not the money I'm upset about its the attitude that 1 meal is more important than our first child

OP posts:

amicissimma · 05/08/2022 21:22

What do you want to discover from the scan? What do you think it will show?

What would you do with that information?

Hoppinggreen · 05/08/2022 21:23

Do you need one or do you just want one for some reason?
If it’s not necessary then pay for it yourself and stop being so dramatic

easyday · 05/08/2022 21:23

Not really. Why do you want an early scan? Why can't you pay for it?
I tell you there's a lot ahead of you - this is not the way to start. Discuss with him if you have particular anxieties about this pregnancy.
But it is concerning that you have to ask him to pay. Do you work?

RisingSunn · 05/08/2022 21:24

Is there a reason you desperately need an early scan? (Medical history for example) if not then YABU.

Hoppinggreen · 05/08/2022 21:24

Newmamak · 05/08/2022 21:22

I am willing to pay for it, and I also paid for the meal last week fyi. It's not the money I'm upset about its the attitude that 1 meal is more important than our first child

Seriously, calm down or it’s going to be a long 7 months for everyone involved

Original poster

Newmamak · 05/08/2022 21:24

I full time in retail, they aren't necessarily pregnancy related foot rubs, I thought they added backup that he is a good guy trying to do a nice thing

OP posts:

cardibach · 05/08/2022 21:24

as kindly as possible, because early pregnancy can make you emotional, you are over reacting. He didn’t see the point in an early scan when you’ll get one soon anyway - that’s a reasonable position. Once he knew how much it bothered you he agreed it was fine and you still don’t want to engage properly with him?
The only slight niggle is why he gets to decide in the first place.

SamanthaVimes · 05/08/2022 21:24

That would upset me too OP. It’s a long time to wait until the 12 week scan and it’s so reassuring to know everything is as it ought to be before then (obviously doesn’t guarantee a good result but your odds go up a lot if you know the heartbeat and size is right at this point)

Early pregnancy can be quite lonely, especially if your DH is the only person that knows. You feel rubbish but nobody else is making allowances because they don’t know!

HumunaHey · 05/08/2022 21:24

An early scan will probably riddle you with anxiety as there's sometimes not much to see. That,or make a (potential) miscarriage feel worse. It's really better just to wait for the 12 week one.

YADBU. Has it been difficult to conceive?

DashboardConfessional · 05/08/2022 21:25

Why do you want one? It's pretty much a baked bean at that point. Unless I'd had previous losses I'd rather have £55 of baby things.

saveforthat · 05/08/2022 21:25

What is an early scan for?

Original poster

Newmamak · 05/08/2022 21:26

I'm 35, this is my first and I was sent to a&e with blood clot in my leg yesterday, which today is getting worse. The scan would be for reassurance

OP posts:

RainbowsMoonbeams · 05/08/2022 21:26

He is probably thinking logically, that you only have to wait a few weeks until your scan anyway. I don’t think he intended to upset you. For men, they don’t have the same emotions or attachment to a pregnancy this early on.

Early pregnancy can be nerve wracking, I understand.

Congratulations

Jackie246 · 05/08/2022 21:27

I think these are pregnancy hormones blurring things for you. Yes I can totally understand you being upset he doesn’t have the instant emotional connection you do, but it’s well known that men can take a little longer to feel connected to the baby in utero - many don’t connect until the baby arrives! He sounds lovely and like he’s really looking after you, as he should. Be gentle with yourself, pregnancy hormones are rough!! Sending hugs xxx

tickticksnooze · 05/08/2022 21:27

Why do you want one? What are you expecting to see?

yonce · 05/08/2022 21:27

Honestly, at 7 weeks what are you expecting from the scan? It's not going to show you much at all, and if he's otherwise supportive of you (which you've gone to lengths in your OP to show!) I'd put the upset down to hormones.

Comparing a meal with friends for the two of you and an ultrasound doesn't really make sense - if the doctors in a and e were worried for you, they'd probably have ordered one. You can always ask if you have to go back in for your leg?

tickticksnooze · 05/08/2022 21:28

How would it be reassuring?

Original poster

Newmamak · 05/08/2022 21:29

I work full-time, I asked him because we are a team and when it comes to these sorts of things I would like him to come along and be aware of financial decisions, even ones that may seem/be small. I asked him if we could get a scan, not if he personally would pay for it, they point is not about the money

OP posts:

minuette1 · 05/08/2022 21:29

In all honesty I don't think an early scan means that much, I know so many people including myself that had early scans which were fine but then had a bad outcome not long afterwards. Wait until your 12 week scan and if all is fine then, then it is likely to lead to a healthy and viable pregnancy.

exnewwifeproblems · 05/08/2022 21:30

How would a scan of your 7 week baby reassure you about a clot in your leg?

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