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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband doesn't want to pay early pregnancy scan

287 replies

Newmamak · 05/08/2022 21:19

My husband doesn't want to pay for an early scan ( I'm hopefully 7 weeks now) because he views it as we are paying the NHS with our taxes for one. He is very tight with money, not stingy but his immediate response is to never spend anything (I'm not complaining, he has good money sense and savings) but his reaction was really hurtful to me as it's only £55 and last week we went out to dinner in a nice restaurant with his friends and our share cost £80 alone so I can't understand why that 1 meal is more important than an early scan. It really hurt me that he is not excited about it like I am. He is all logic and I know I'm more emotional than normal if that's possible, but everything with him is so unemotional that I just feel so alone. Especially because I can't tell anyone. Once I started crying with disappointment, and explained why, he said just get the scan. But I'm so hurting right now. I know he doesn't process like I do and is trying his best, all housework, foot rubs dinner every day but I'm just so disappointed. I've felt so emotionally lonely the past few weeks I can't even being myself to hug him right now... am I completely unreasonable? Does anyone understand?

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 05/08/2022 22:07

My 8 week scan with my first was a moment I’ll never forget.

MiauzenKatzenjammer · 05/08/2022 22:10

Presumably you have had a pregnancy test, so why would you need a scan at this stage? But if you really want one there is nothing stopping you from getting one and paying for it out of your own money which is yours to waste spend.

CherryBlossomAutumn · 05/08/2022 22:11

It’s your pregnancy, of course you should go for an early scan if you want one.

Lachimolala · 05/08/2022 22:12

TailSpinner · 05/08/2022 21:39

I am willing to pay for it, and I also paid for the meal last week fyi. It's not the money I'm upset about its the attitude that 1 meal is more important than our first child

YABU. Loads of people don’t get private scans although they could probably afford them. Are you saying their babies aren’t important enough to them?

What are you talking about? She literally never said that and you know she doesn’t mean that at all.

justlonelystars · 05/08/2022 22:13

Honestly a lot of people are being dicks on here. Early pregnancy is an anxiety ridden time and if you want an early scan OP, get one. I ended up having 3 scans before 12 weeks (one due to bleeding, one that I paid for and one because NHS has miscalculated when my 12 week scan should be). Each time gave me reassurance my baby was okay and filled me with joy to see him.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/08/2022 22:13

If you have the scan, I can almost guarantee you'll be in exactly this same mood over something else within 24 minutes hours.

It's what early pregnancy does to women - crying at animal charity adverts, a pair of magpies together, some random bloke pushing a pram - and as he won't be crying along with you, you'll be crying because he JUST DOESN'T UNDERSTAND HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS.

Have a cuppa, go to bed early and you'll start feeling better soon. And, all being well, by 32 weeks, chances are you'll be snarling at everybody because you think they're all assuming you're some delicate little flower and I'M NOT AN IDIOT, I'M PREGNANT.

Gotta love those hormones.

lking679 · 05/08/2022 22:13

If you’d like a scan then go ahead. I saw a heartbeat at 7 weeks and it was very reassuring.

It may be useful to pay for it yourself so your partner knows that if you want something enough and have your own money you will be independent and do it regardless of whether he agrees or not. He should understand it’s something important to you and you consider it worth it. I’ve always maintained financial independence from my dh and spent my disposable income how I wanted to (we agree budgets, savings and contributions for joint things).

If you’re feeling very emotional please reach out to your midwife and see what support you can get.

Good luck for a healthy happy pregnancy.

MRex · 05/08/2022 22:14

A scan won't improve the baby's chances, and as soon as it's over you'll start wanting another. You can't go through over 7 months like that, so it's time to start calming down.

If you gave your own money to spend, then what you spend it on is your choice. Your DH has as much right to think that's a waste of money as you do to think it's a worthwhile experience. If he is generally good to you, and interested in coparenting, then let this one slide. Use the time to get ready; talk about parenting styles, both of you read some parenting books, enjoy sleep before you get big and uncomfy etc.

LunaLoveFood · 05/08/2022 22:15

Personally I wouldn't pay for an early scan either. I had to have one at 8 weeks on NHS due to bleeding. Every thing was fine and there was a strong heartbeat. However, this gave me false hope and I miscarried the day before my 12 week scan.
I think having the first scan, for me made it so much worse. I was offered an early scan on my next pregnancy, bit turned it down.

HairyToity · 05/08/2022 22:18

Wow. Personally we waited till 12 weeks, and saved the money. I didn't see any need for an early scan.

gogohmm · 05/08/2022 22:19

Why have one, I don't get it myself. I managed with one scan at 18 weeks as was the norm 24 years ago. Private scans are preying on the vulnerable

ZoeQ90 · 05/08/2022 22:21

Paq · 05/08/2022 22:07

Personally I think private scan services are exploiting women's fears. There are stories on MN where private scans reveal bad news and women are treated terribly by these unregulated, profit-making companies.

There really is not much to see pre 12 weeks. Try to be patient.

please consider this. these clinics do not seem to be well regulated and if/when these scans reveal the possibility of issues, they can handle them very badly.

Ivegottagoforaliedown · 05/08/2022 22:22

I get where you're coming from OP! It sounds like you just want him to be involved and as excited as you are. I've dated someone very matter if fact who never seemed bothered about anything but his car. It was a lonely time.

Embarras83 · 05/08/2022 22:22

Guys go easy on OP!!! OP when will his money your money become your family money together? Where you make decisions as a family on finance?

I think it should come out of all your joint money and you decide together if you want a scan. If it’s something I was like an early scan (which I did have) then I know my DH would say let’s have it . There is a lot of anxiety in early pregnancy so I get why you want it. Perhaps you both need to start framing money differently as who will pay for all the baby things? In reality it’s your joint money now?

Glitterandunicorns · 05/08/2022 22:23

I don't know why you've had some of these responses saying you're being unreasonable, OP. It sounds like a miserable way to live.
If the money is yours, why do you need permission to spend it on a scan?
I can absolutely understand why you'd want one to check that your pregnancy is progressing as it should. The first 12 weeks are super nerve-wracking and anything that makes you feel less anxious during pregnancy can only be a good thing.

Quincythequince · 05/08/2022 22:26

Alfenstein · 05/08/2022 21:44

@Quincythequince at 7 weeks you'd see a heartbeat and whether the baby was in the right position

Heart beat at 7 weeks? The heart is not fully developed at that stage. You realise that a beating sound attributed to specific flow is a detection method put in there by the manufacturers of the equipment? This is why women in America have so many issues with a heart beat (it’s not a heart beat) and the idiotic, devastating laws surrounding it’s detection.

A chirping sound would be about as meaningful.

Right position? Right position of what? What are you on about?

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 05/08/2022 22:26

Just get the scan yourself.

RedCardigan · 05/08/2022 22:26

People are being unkind. Waiting until 12 weeks is a hell of a long time to wait and just because it’s the UK’s normal doesn’t mean it’s ok, you know in other countries it’s normal to have an early scan!?
everyone telling teh OP to not over react and calm down are just weird.
of course she can get a scan early if she wants one or every week and that’s also ok and normal, why not?

RedCardigan · 05/08/2022 22:28

@Quincythequince thé right positon they are referring to is if it’s in the uterus and not an ectopic pregnancy which would be life threatening to the mother and early detection would save complications.

Badromancer · 05/08/2022 22:28

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

Rowen32 · 05/08/2022 22:28

I honestly think early scans are best left alone unless there's a medical reason/past history. Women go and still get bad news at 12 weeks.. Maybe he feels the same..

Quincythequince · 05/08/2022 22:29

Alfenstein · 05/08/2022 21:47

@Quincythequince I expected to see my babies developing normally

With growth in line with their gestational age

That's reassurance

In other countries pregnant people get a lot more medical involvement and more scans

The reason we don't here is due to cost.

You can have as many scans here as you need, if you need them.

Of course it’s a cost issue - providing unnecessary scans is clearly a waste of money and provides almost no useful information for clinicians to work with (they’re the ones that use the data remember)!

You seeing your baby on screen is. It a clinical requirement.

Quincythequince · 05/08/2022 22:29

Is not a clinical requirement

35965a · 05/08/2022 22:31

I see your point and I think if you want a scan you should just have one. I know you shouldn’t have to but go yourself? I will say though: all the scans in the world do not help with anxiety and only tell you what’s going on at that moment. So even if everything is fine it probably won’t help any worry.

HungryandIknowit · 05/08/2022 22:31

I understand why you might want one, however in my opinion an early scan isn't particularly useful. If you're feeling anxious and you can afford a scan by a reputable place (e.g. the fetal medicine clinic in London) a private 12 week scan with NIPT is likely to be more reassuring.