Husband doesn't want to pay early pregnancy scan

[Newmamak]

My husband doesn't want to pay for an early scan ( I'm hopefully 7 weeks now) because he views it as we are paying the NHS with our taxes for one. He is very tight with money, not stingy but his immediate response is to never spend anything (I'm not complaining, he has good money sense and savings) but his reaction was really hurtful to me as it's only £55 and last week we went out to dinner in a nice restaurant with his friends and our share cost £80 alone so I can't understand why that 1 meal is more important than an early scan. It really hurt me that he is not excited about it like I am. He is all logic and I know I'm more emotional than normal if that's possible, but everything with him is so unemotional that I just feel so alone. Especially because I can't tell anyone. Once I started crying with disappointment, and explained why, he said just get the scan. But I'm so hurting right now. I know he doesn't process like I do and is trying his best, all housework, foot rubs dinner every day but I'm just so disappointed. I've felt so emotionally lonely the past few weeks I can't even being myself to hug him right now... am I completely unreasonable? Does anyone understand?

[Iwouldlikesomecake]

The point is: as PP above said, early scans make no difference to clinical outcomes.

Theres another thread where there’s a woman considering getting into debt for an early scan.

I don’t have anything against them if that’s what people want to do- but if it makes someone more anxious I wouldn’t recommend it, if it just leads to wanting more scans I wouldn’t recommend it, if it leads to a woman thinking she now won’t miscarry I wouldn’t recommend it. If it’s taken as face value on the day then if a woman wants to pay for it, up to her. But no the NHS shouldn’t be paying for these non clinically indicated scans.

FWIW I would probably consider paying for an early scan if I got to 8 weeks because you can see a bit more and it will be the furthest I ever got. It will be meaningless in terms of clinical detail but it might be the only baby photo I ever get. And no I wouldn’t expect it on the NHS because despite my shit history it wouldn’t be clinically indicated.

[CellophaneFlower]

@Blossomtoes

It often helps if the person who said it explains when it’s unclear. 🤷‍♀️

Ok.

PP, apparently a clinician, seemed to be under the impression that people thought an early scan would prevent a miscarriage. None of the posts I've read indicate this.

Of course a scan can't prevent a miscarriage. It can, however, rule out many things which will ultimately lead to a miscarriage. Ectopic, blighted ovum, irregular shaped sac, size of embryo. Even without seeing a 'heartbeat' there are many things that can show if a pregnancy isn't, or may not be, viable. Therefore if all these indicators aren't there, then there's every likelihood of a good outcome. Therefore chance of miscarriage decreases.

Miscarriage can still happen of course, but less likely. This gives women a bit of peace of mind, during an anxious time when you are otherwise ignorant to what's going on in there. Really not sure what the problem is in understanding this at all. Of course,some women may prefer to remain blissfully ignorant. That is their choice. No need to belittle those who don't though.

Hope that helps.

[Blossomtoes]

It often helps if the person who said it explains when it’s unclear. 🤷‍♀️

[CellophaneFlower]

@Blossomtoes

Nobody is saying a scan reduces your chances of a miscarriage 🙄They are saying the risk is lowered if everything is as it should be. What's so hard to understand about that?

Well I don’t understand it.

And that's fine 😊Often it takes some people a little longer than others.

[Blossomtoes]

Nobody is saying a scan reduces your chances of a miscarriage 🙄They are saying the risk is lowered if everything is as it should be. What's so hard to understand about that?

Well I don’t understand it.

[CellophaneFlower]

Nobody is saying a scan reduces your chances of a miscarriage 🙄They are saying the risk is lowered if everything is as it should be. What's so hard to understand about that?

Personally I'd rather know sooner than later if I were carrying an embryo that had stopped growing weeks prior, rather than becoming further bonded with a baby that isn't there. Missed miscarriages are extremely common.

A scan isn't going to tell me I'm going to have a healthy baby at term, no, but it would certainly give me peace of mind hopefully, even if for just a short while.

[Iwouldlikesomecake]

It’s referred to as a heartbeat as a colloquial equivalent because it’s a simplification.

I don’t know why people conflate ‘seeing a heartbeat’ with ‘this is what reduces the miscarriage risk’. The scan does not reduce the risk. It just tells you where on that trajectory you may or may not be. It doesn’t help stop miscarriages. Bloody hell of having a scan every day would have improved my chances in ivf I would have done it but it doesn’t. I won’t even POAS till after day 30 now because it’s prurient torture to keep testing testing testing when the result is a foregone conclusion and none of it will help change the management.

I get why it might be psychologically reassuring, rightly or wrongly, but it doesn’t improve your chances! It just potentially tells you the outcome sooner (or not). I’m a clinician and I agree with @Quincythequince re health economic analysis on this one.

[CellophaneFlower]

But actual doctors also refer to it as a heartbeat too in the early stages? It isn't just money making private scanners.

It's irrelevant if it's a fully formed heart beat or not. Generally they expect to see one by 6 weeks. If they don't and everything else looks as it should, they ask you to return for a follow up scan, in case your dates are wrong or whatever. Actual heart or not, the movement, or lack of, is an indication of whether the pregnancy is progressing. And I've never heard it referred to as anything other than a heartbeat by medical professionals in the numerous early scans I've had in multiple pregnancies.

[Quincythequince]

@C8H10N4O2

PPs who paid ££ for early scans because they are anxious report that the relief was momentary - ie the ££ did not solve the problem. Their money would be more likely to alleviate anxiety if spent on more time with peers and midwifery support.

So the best you get out of it is to find out a week early that you will have a miscarriage (but not before they have stung you for another scan)?

As I keep saying - you have money to burn, fill your boots. But you are promoting exploitation of anxious pregnant women (and yes I mean women) who often struggle to find the money for such scans.

But you got me stumped with your expertise on human embryology.

a) On the one hand I have the input and expertise of specialists in embryology, gynaecology and radiology from one of the world's leading units.

b) On the other hand - a random on the internet who doesn't understand the difference between actual heart development and a machine translating embryonic muscle into heart sounds.

Gosh its a stumper. Whichever should I believe? I'll probably stick with (a) but thanks for the input hun!

Completely agree with you.

Alfie here has unresolved anger management issues, which are very clear from the content of her posts.

I will stop engaging - there is little point. She thinks she knows best and yet still hasn’t addressed the stats put up re maternal and infant mortality in the US versus UK, given that apparently the US is so much better (it’s not!).

We can be doing better here for sure (no one said the NHS was perfect, certainly not me) but we have this thing called Health Economic analysis which is used when looking at expenditure and service provision. There is no benefit to early scans for outcomes. Better nutrient status, and mental health and activity are three such things that will help healthy pregnancies but Early scans tell you almost nothing -THAT IS A FACT.

Also, I am a Doctor.

You don’t have to like that, but that’s how it is.

I have not been remotely rude on here. Not once. Sorry, you don’t like facts that disagree with your very embedded personal beliefs.

And No amount of aggressive swearing and name-calling (I won’t report you, I think you have shown yourself up just fine on your own) and argument changes the fact that you know very little and are a clear example of Dunning-Kruger (you’ll look that up I bet in true DK style, you won’t know what it is 😂).

Early scans in low risk pregnancies, which is most pregnancies, make no different to clinical outcomes, and that it is an industry in itself to make money. You’ll also notice most of them actually say it’s not medical advice and to go and see a Doctor. That tells you what they are selling - very clearly.

6 week old embedded embryos don’t have heart beats! Fact. Early scans are unnecessary and in a nervous, anxious person can be worse than not getting one at all.

Stay as mad as you like about these facts. And don’t take my word for it - we have many Royal Colleges here with lots freely available data for you to peruse.

[SunshineLaughter]

Why don't you just book the scan? If he chooses to go with you - great! Also, the relief once you see the bubba, is incredible. Just do it for yourself .

[AMIAMIBU]

Crikey what an unhealthy financial relationship, this doesn't bode well for maternity leave etc.

[girlmom21]

@Sometimeswinning what scan is it you're referring to?

[Sometimeswinning]

@girlmom21

How are scans saving babies?

I said the newly introduced scan saved lives, which it definitely has.

Tbf my early scan put my mind at rest so I only see positives for them.

[girlmom21]

As in really early scans, I know how later scans do, obviously

[girlmom21]

@Sometimeswinning

Loved my early scan! 6 weeks and heard a heartbeat and saw a little bean. Jeez if qe want to spend £200 on an extra scan let us! I think another scan has been introduced recently which has saved a few babies. Scans are good. Missing the issue!

How are scans saving babies?

[Sometimeswinning]

Loved my early scan! 6 weeks and heard a heartbeat and saw a little bean. Jeez if qe want to spend £200 on an extra scan let us! I think another scan has been introduced recently which has saved a few babies. Scans are good. Missing the issue!

[Kite22]

@CakeCrumbs44

But the scan doesn't actually prevent miscarriage.
IF you see a heartbeat at 8 weeks then the future likelihood of miscarriage is lower, but that's not caused by the scan. Miscarriages will happen whether or not the scan occurs, they would just know in advance that it's more likely to happen if no heartbeat is found at 8 weeks. Wouldn't that just make women really anxious?

Exactly.

[Kite22]

@Alfenstein

Nope, have a large and active social group

But then again most friends don't see the harm in dropping a few £££ to get reassurance

There was a poll on one of the peanut groups the other day, over 2000 votes and 79% had a private scan

It's far more normal than not

Sorry if I wasn't clear.
I wasn't implying you had only a small group of friends, what I was pointing out was that it clearly isn't diverse in terms of economic status.

[seven201]

There's been some harsh replies on here. Whilst I think you are overreacting a bit, I do think early scans aren't uncommon. I think your partner doesn't fee like it's real yet, so didn't think it was a sensible us of money. He's agreed now so just go.

Early scans absolutely can be reassuring. I'm under a recurrent miscarriage clinic and they do them from 6+3 every 2 weeks for ages. I know that's for completely different reasons. At 7 weeks you can see if there's a heartbeat (that is a massive deal!) and if the baby is in the right place. Miscarriage rates dramatically drop after a heartbeat has been seen.

[CellophaneFlower]

@abblie

He is right it's a money making scheme ffs you want it so bad you pay for it

It's pretty obvious OP can and will pay for it herself (if she doesn't have access to money that's a whole other issue). She was simply upset her OH didn't feel it was a priority.

[abblie]

He is right it's a money making scheme ffs you want it so bad you pay for it

[MarshaMelrose]

@HairyKitty

Why does it matter what her reasons are? Do we really think a pregnant woman needs her husbands permission to have an early scan that she can pay for herself?

The op is quite clear that she wasn't asking for permission. She just talked with him because she feels they're a team. Initially he was against it but when he saw that he'd upset her, he backtracked and agreed with her.
There's no issue of control or permission.

[MsBallen]

The husband has never said she can't have the scan ffs stop trying to imply things that aren't there. He simply thinks it's a waste of money at this stage and that's his right to his opinion. He hadn't told her she can't spend her own money however she wants or that he won't support her going.

[Alfreddo83]

God there's no worse quality in a person than tightness with money. YANBU. Tell him to wisen the fuck up.

[HairyKitty]

Why does it matter what her reasons are? Do we really think a pregnant woman needs her husbands permission to have an early scan that she can pay for herself?