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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband doesn't want to pay early pregnancy scan

287 replies

Newmamak · 05/08/2022 21:19

My husband doesn't want to pay for an early scan ( I'm hopefully 7 weeks now) because he views it as we are paying the NHS with our taxes for one. He is very tight with money, not stingy but his immediate response is to never spend anything (I'm not complaining, he has good money sense and savings) but his reaction was really hurtful to me as it's only £55 and last week we went out to dinner in a nice restaurant with his friends and our share cost £80 alone so I can't understand why that 1 meal is more important than an early scan. It really hurt me that he is not excited about it like I am. He is all logic and I know I'm more emotional than normal if that's possible, but everything with him is so unemotional that I just feel so alone. Especially because I can't tell anyone. Once I started crying with disappointment, and explained why, he said just get the scan. But I'm so hurting right now. I know he doesn't process like I do and is trying his best, all housework, foot rubs dinner every day but I'm just so disappointed. I've felt so emotionally lonely the past few weeks I can't even being myself to hug him right now... am I completely unreasonable? Does anyone understand?

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 05/08/2022 21:31

Don't compare the scan and the meal. They're two completely separate things.

If you want the reassurance scan, get it. He'll come with you. He's right that it's a waste of money, to be honest, as you'll hardly see anything this early on.

bangersandsmashhh · 05/08/2022 21:31

Did a&e suggest a scan when you were there?

Plantlady10 · 05/08/2022 21:32

I think PP are being very cold and unfair here. I had a private early scan for my first baby, it felt so unreal that there was a 'baby' in me and going for the scan confirmed it was real, and also gave me more accurate dates for how far gone I was. Now my baby is here I like having that photo of when he was tiny.

I would go for the scan, hopefully he will feel a bit more excited/emotionally connected once he sees the little bean

Bunnycat101 · 05/08/2022 21:32

i wouldn’t personally pay for an early scan. Things are still quite precarious at 7/8 weeks but by 12 they’ve got a good chance of knowing how the baby is growing etc. I had to have one early scan due to a bleed. They had to do it vaginally rather than through the stomach and they were really looking for a heartbeat and that was about it. For your husband it won’t feel as real as it does for you.

YoureAMeanOneMrGrinch · 05/08/2022 21:33

If you're concerned about the clot affecting the pregnancy contact EPAU.

A scan that early will not show you a typical baby scan image. Personally to me it feels like a lot of money for something there is not a lot of reasoning for.

mumda · 05/08/2022 21:34

I really don't see the point of anything apart from the NHS essential scans.
I hate reveal parties too. And baby showers.

BaileySharp · 05/08/2022 21:34

I'd rather be patient than spend the money personally, maybe your husband is the same way? I didn't do any private scans with DD

Quincythequince · 05/08/2022 21:35

Why does not having an additional, unnecessary scan mean he thinks your baby is not important?

Why do you think that?

ChocoButterfly · 05/08/2022 21:35

I'm upset about its the attitude that 1 meal is more important than our first child

Sorry but that's a silly statement. A scan doesn't equal the life of your first child. Just because he doesn't want a scan doesn't mean he doesn't want a child.

Alfenstein · 05/08/2022 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Newmamak · 05/08/2022 21:37

Thankyou everyone for your replies. It's helping me balance. I'm prone to anxiety and being overemotional, and I just wanted something to confirm that it's not a dream. I do just feel so lonely sometimes, despite his efforts, and my head feels like an emotional echo chamber. I just need to chill out

OP posts:

SpacePotato · 05/08/2022 21:38

You should be more worried about the blood clot in your leg than an early scan!

Quincythequince · 05/08/2022 21:38

exnewwifeproblems · 05/08/2022 21:30

How would a scan of your 7 week baby reassure you about a clot in your leg?

It wouldn’t
The scan and the blood clot are neither here nor there.

OP calm down, seriously.

You say you are 7 weeks gone, what on earth are you expecting to see?

The truthful answer to that is nothing. You will see almost nothing.

TailSpinner · 05/08/2022 21:39

I am willing to pay for it, and I also paid for the meal last week fyi. It's not the money I'm upset about its the attitude that 1 meal is more important than our first child

YABU. Loads of people don’t get private scans although they could probably afford them. Are you saying their babies aren’t important enough to them?

Weirdwonders · 05/08/2022 21:39

I think you’re getting a hard time here. I would want a scan too. I went through the same with my husband. It’s your body and it’s reassurance for you. If you want the scan, get one, it’s your money and your body and I don’t know why PPs would think otherwise.

AverageJoan · 05/08/2022 21:39

YANBU, OP. I had an early scan at around 7 weeks, those first couple of months before your 12 week scan can feel like a long time and I wanted to just see it and know it was real. I think it's difficult for OHs to understand the anxiety in those first few weeks because it probably isn't as tangible to them yet.

Definitely go for the scan, and hopefully you can help OH see your point of view.

Hana89 · 05/08/2022 21:40

Hi @Newmamak

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable - it is just different perspectives.
I'm 33, currently 17 weeks with my first child, after several MMCs. Early pregnancy is such a nerve wracking time and our hormones fly all over the place and things which might be small and logical can feel huge and overwhelming.
My partner didn't really start to get emotionally involved in this pregnancy until we'd had our 12 week scan and even then it took him a few more weeks to really get involved and want to start talking about anything baby related. He's cautious by nature and although he desperately wants this child, he was also anxious in case anything went wrong.

For your DHs part, I doubt he thinks one meal is more important than your baby, but if you just had an expensive night out together and he is frugal by nature, maybe that did play into his caution about spending more money and he just got things a bit wrong on this occasion.

Also, if you can bear to wait a couple more weeks for your scan, you'll see so much more! Just a thought! But if you don't need one for medical reasons, I would be tempted to wait until maybe 9 weeks. I had a scan at 7 weeks to confirm baby was okay due to my history, and it was lovely, but baby really was just a little squiggle on screen.

Whatever you decide, try to be easy on your DH and on yourself. It's a very emotional time and a beautiful time too xxx

Quincythequince · 05/08/2022 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

No obstetrician would recommend scans every two weeks, without very good reason. And they would actively avoid against having private scans every two weeks too - just because you can.

What on earth we’re you expecting to see that was on any way clinically meaningful to you?

SunshineAndFizz · 05/08/2022 21:42

I think you're getting a rough time here. I had early scans for reassurance too - naturally the 12 week NHS one is the key milestone but I understand completely wanting to have an early one as well.

Fink · 05/08/2022 21:42

If an early scan is medically necessary or advised then you'll get one on the NHS. If not, then there really is no benefit in getting one before 12 weeks. Having said that, if you want to pay for one then go for it, it's your money, but your partner INBU.

Merryoldgoat · 05/08/2022 21:42

Two issues, quite different:

Early pregnancy scans are entirely useless without medical need (to identify ectopic pregnancy/bleeding etc) and there would be zero benefit to having one.
You describe your husband as stingy - not a great quality in anyone let alone someone you are starting a family with. If he truly IS stingy then address it before baby arrives and properly or you’ll be arguing about whether the baby really needs new clothes/a cot/buggy etc in the blink of an eye.

Watapalava · 05/08/2022 21:43

It doesn’t really offer reassurance tho

I had scan at 8 weeks and all totally fine

still turned up at 12 weeks scan to find if had a missed miscarriage which stopped at 9,5 weeks - no other signs it’d stopped growing.

yabu but it’s understandable

please be aware no one will be as excited as you and you will need to learn to control your expectations of others

people generally tire very easily of people harping in about pregnancy, rubbing bellies constantly etc

Alfenstein · 05/08/2022 21:44

@Quincythequince at 7 weeks you'd see a heartbeat and whether the baby was in the right position

knittingaddict · 05/08/2022 21:45

I wouldn't pay for an early scan either. There are many good reasons that the NHS doesn't do them routinely.

Alfenstein · 05/08/2022 21:46