Husband doesn't want to pay early pregnancy scan

[Newmamak]

My husband doesn't want to pay for an early scan ( I'm hopefully 7 weeks now) because he views it as we are paying the NHS with our taxes for one. He is very tight with money, not stingy but his immediate response is to never spend anything (I'm not complaining, he has good money sense and savings) but his reaction was really hurtful to me as it's only £55 and last week we went out to dinner in a nice restaurant with his friends and our share cost £80 alone so I can't understand why that 1 meal is more important than an early scan. It really hurt me that he is not excited about it like I am. He is all logic and I know I'm more emotional than normal if that's possible, but everything with him is so unemotional that I just feel so alone. Especially because I can't tell anyone. Once I started crying with disappointment, and explained why, he said just get the scan. But I'm so hurting right now. I know he doesn't process like I do and is trying his best, all housework, foot rubs dinner every day but I'm just so disappointed. I've felt so emotionally lonely the past few weeks I can't even being myself to hug him right now... am I completely unreasonable? Does anyone understand?

the attitude that 1 meal is more important than our first child
I think you're being very melodramatic. If the scan was medically necessary and he said no, you might have a point, but it's not.

@Quincythequince I expected to see my babies developing normally

With growth in line with their gestational age

That's reassurance

In other countries pregnant people get a lot more medical involvement and more scans

The reason we don't here is due to cost.

I saw a heartbeat at 8 weeks and miscarried a few days later. I know lots of people who had the same experience.

In the kindest way as you are probably feeling emotional, there won't be much to see until 12 weeks.
Even if you lost the pregnancy now there is nothing they or you could do.
5 weeks is really not long to wait for a scan, even though it may feel like it at the time.
I do feel like your husband could be more sensitive but I also think you may be suffering a bit from pfb syndrome.

7 weeks there’s not even much to see. I went to the EPU at 7 weeks because I had a previous ectopic, they had to make sure the pregnancy was happening in the right place. It’s just a sack with a blob in it. I mean it’s nice to see obviously, it’s my baby - but I wouldn’t pay 50 quid for it. It’s also a transvaginal scan so not the most comfortable or dignified experience - I told DH to wait outside actually. Again I wouldn’t pay 50 quid for the fun. I’m with your DH.

If you want a scan just go and get one. Nothing at all wrong with wanting an early scan. But you are unreasonable to expect your husband to feel the same as you about every detail. The pregnancy is about the woman. The man doesn't experience any of it directly and you are not equal partners in this. To an extent you go through it alone, however supportive your partner. I think you need to get used to that idea otherwise you will put too much pressure on your husband and end up permanently disappointed with him even though he's a good husband and father.

If there's something you need support with then explain it to him. Say "Ive decided to go for a private scan, I'd really love your support, would you come with me ?" Rather than expecting him to know how you feel.

Try and seek support from other women who have been through it recently - that's likely to be far more helpful if you are feeling emotionally alone.

@BloodAndFire then you are unlucky

Your experience doesn't discount the actual data behind this

Risk goes from 20-25% to 3% after heartbeat detected (in some studies it was even lower than 3%! Depending on age and drops to 1.5% at 8 weeks)

Are you ok OP? Perhaps you should try reaching out to a friend to talk about your feelings because this sounds like anxiety more than anything else?
as you said yourself, both of you see things differently and he just doesn’t see the need for the scan, if you are worried , you should just insist and go ahead.. he is one extreme ( v logical) but you are the other and you need to meet in the middle.
my dh was the same btw, didn’t want to do a scan even though I wanted to.. he basically said it was a waste of money and there would either be something g there or not.. which is correct, but I didn’t like hearing it either! So I get where you are coming from, but it’s not really the end of the world, just a disagreement…

But he didn't say that. You did. It doesn't really matter whether it is sensible of you to want or need the scan - it is what you want. But you can't realistically expect him to attach the same level of importance to it. It doesn't mean he's not excited or happy - it means that he isn't pregnant, and will never experience what you are going through in the way that you do.

I think if you’re 35. It’s not a good use of money especially if you’re not that well off. (We are well off and I would never have paid for a scan at that age)
just wait. You’ll get a lovely scan of a healthy baby through the nhs at 12 weeks and you can save the money for any other tests you’ll need.

Hi OP

A scan is a snapshot in time. It might reassure you for one day but realistically, that's it, and they don't usually pick and and measure the same things that the NHS ones pick up anyway. So if you're anxious you are likely to have a scan and then be reassured for one day and then feel anxious again after that.

I think you're being really harsh to say he cares about a meal more than your baby. You can go mad comparing things that arent comparable. Realistically if something was going to go wrong with the pregnancy, a scan at this stage wont pick it up and wont prevent it. You're paying £55 for a picture that you'll get for £5 if you wait for 5 weeks. And that's it. Not spending that money doesnt mean that he doesnt love you or the baby.

Have you spoken to your midwife about how you're feeling? I felt so alone in my first pregnancy, i felt like the responsibility of not eating or doing the wrong thing was crushing and my husband didnt really get it and it was very isolating. In hindsight it was probably pre natal depression and it might have helped for me to tell someone about how I was feeling. It might stop you focussing on things like the scan which seem really important at the time but probably aren't

At 7 weeks you should be able to detect a heartbeat which is reassurance in itself

Once a heartbeat is detected (from 6 weeks onwards) miscarriage rates drop dramatically

I had a 7 or 8 weeks scan (not paid for) but it was abdominal not transvaginal. They said they would try abdominal first and that was sufficient so they didn't need to do the other. As PP says you can't see much, little jelly bean shape. We did hear a heartbeat.

The benefit is reassurance that the baby is alive, situated in the right place, and isn't twins. None of the NHS scans are actually beneficial really, are they? They are for screening for problems not for any benefit.

I understand, OP. I'd had two previous miscarriages before I had DD and I had at least five scans prior to the 12 week scan (at the EPU and privately). Whilst I agree that they're a snapshot in time, they also tell you whether there's a heartbeat, whether the growth matches the gestation and whether things are looking viable or not. Thankfully my DP was happy to go along with it all and understood why I was so anxious. All in all I must have had over 15 scans before DD was born and I don't regret any of them.

If the point isn’t about the money I’m not sure why you would ask if you “could” get a scan. It’s either up to you or “what do you think, shall we”.
The scan probably doesn’t matter to him so he doesn’t see the point of spending money on it.

What tests does a 35 year old need that aren't provided by the NHS???

So much lunacy on here tonight. Getting in sly digs about the poster's age, PFB, etc. Don't take it to heart OP

I don't think it matters to everyone. But it matters to you. I needed that reassurance. Yes it would have killed me if I then lost the baby. But it gave me reassurance in the moment. I had a few private scans dotted between the NHS ones. I have an anxiety disorder so keeping checking he was OK made me feel calm. You do what keeps you sane. But he may bit understand why you need it.

Yea yabu op.

I would get one - had them in both of mine at 8 weeks and gave me lots of reassurance and made it feel real to me

Go with a friend/ mum/ sister if he is being a right arse about it

YANBU.

I had an early scan with both pregnancies, as have all my friends. If you know from early doors, 12 weeks can feel a long time to wait to see your baby and know that everything is viable.

I'm envious of your lovely husband giving you foot rubs. Mine is rubbish.

As someone who had an ectopic pregnancy and had an early scan as a result, surely you can see the benefit of an early scan???

Do you have any idea what caused the blood clot in your leg? I know that’s not the point of the post but it’s unusual to just get a blood clot.

YANBU, pay for one and take a family member or friend if you want one.

Personally I think private scan services are exploiting women's fears. There are stories on MN where private scans reveal bad news and women are treated terribly by these unregulated, profit-making companies.

There really is not much to see pre 12 weeks. Try to be patient.