Husband doesn't want to pay early pregnancy scan

[Newmamak]

My husband doesn't want to pay for an early scan ( I'm hopefully 7 weeks now) because he views it as we are paying the NHS with our taxes for one. He is very tight with money, not stingy but his immediate response is to never spend anything (I'm not complaining, he has good money sense and savings) but his reaction was really hurtful to me as it's only £55 and last week we went out to dinner in a nice restaurant with his friends and our share cost £80 alone so I can't understand why that 1 meal is more important than an early scan. It really hurt me that he is not excited about it like I am. He is all logic and I know I'm more emotional than normal if that's possible, but everything with him is so unemotional that I just feel so alone. Especially because I can't tell anyone. Once I started crying with disappointment, and explained why, he said just get the scan. But I'm so hurting right now. I know he doesn't process like I do and is trying his best, all housework, foot rubs dinner every day but I'm just so disappointed. I've felt so emotionally lonely the past few weeks I can't even being myself to hug him right now... am I completely unreasonable? Does anyone understand?

Your hormones are all over the place….your first child….so very emotional…a lot of pregnant ladies discover they can now cry at sad adverts whereas previously they never cried. Your husband hasn’t got that hormone change….if he is usually close with money…it’s not going to change for a scan. I get why you want to see your baby..and I think a lot of the comments are just plain mean. Accept that your husband will, I’m sure, be ecstatic when your baby is born…but right now…that’s a long way off. Be grateful you are getting lots of help already from him. My husband was a GP…we had three kids in 2.5 years…he was in a two man practice so was on call every other night and alternate weekends….I got no help! He didn’t change one nappy…he attended the births…then was straight back to work….he took me home on day 2…and made me a cup of tea then returned to work. His mindset was…he had to work as the village needed their Doctors…he worked a 70 hour week…I didn’t work till the youngest went to school at 4….so being home all day, I should manage everything at home. So in a lot of ways..you are lucky!!!

Absolutely agree…first pregnancy is amazing and magical….shame so many unkind comments.

You'd be able to get a lot of reassurance if a heartbeat is detected and ensuring your baby is in the right position as well

There is no heart beat this early. Because there is no heart!
The beating sound is one the machine makes when detecting electrical impulses. It’s not a heart beat.

I am talking clinical necessity yes. So much can change and go wrong early on. Having a scan, which really tells you very little other than it’s a viable embryo implanted, is. Or necessary. The comment about getting. Orr elsewhere is a strawman. Get one if you want one, fine. It’s not clinically indicated, but it’s your money.

Re being ignorant - I’m a Doctor! So yes, there’s that!

Aw you are absolutely not being unreasonable, I really feel you. It is a lonely time. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re overreacting.
I am 16 weeks pregnant and had an early scan at 8 weeks. I wasn’t particularly anxious but it was my first pregnancy and I just wanted to check everything was okay as I had no idea what it should all feel like. My partner went along with it but obviously thought it was pointless. In the car on the way there he was really grumpy. Then during the scan not only did we find out everything was fine, but also that it was twins! After that discovery my partner was very happy indeed that we had gone and thanked me for my “intuition” in suggesting it. It meant we didn’t have a huge shock at the 12 week scan, and it meant I could relax and enjoy the early stages knowing all was well.
I would say if you want to have one, go for it. It will be so nice for you to see the baby, and you’ll probably get a lovely picture too. Those internal scan pics come out really nice and clear 😊 Good luck with everything and congratulations!

My husband hates the whole thing of paying for the early scans. Not because of the cost (well, not only because of the cost) but because he feels these companies sort of prey on the worries and stress that women often feel during early pregnancy.
We had one and it gave me a lot of reassurance. For about 30 minutes. And then I felt like I needed to book another for the following week and that's where my husband drew the line.
Could your husband feel similar, do you think?

I am very confused about why you asked him - why you need his permission to get a scan - its your body and your choice and it sounds like you earn your own money?
I am sorry I think you can not relate a dinner to a scan.
At 7wks gestation the baby is 10mm long
www.nhs.uk/pregnancy/week-by-week/1-to-12/7-weeks/
Personally I think you are better to wait. But its up to you.

In the US for example with my third pregnancy I had a blood test at 6 weeks to confirm the pregnancy, a scan at 8 weeks, more tests at 10-11 weeks, 12 week scan, 14 week sex scan (if requested) 16 week tests, 20 week scan and after then it was bi-weekly appts until the end, all of which included listening to baby's heartbeat

The US has medicalised the heck out of pregnancy. I wonder why?

Remind me again of the maternal and infant mortality rate there too please.

Would you like to go and compare those rates between the US and UK and tell me who fairs better on this front (I’ll give you a clue - it’s not the US).

For all the people saying “why do you want one?”, “ what can it tell you?” etc..

I paid for an early scan at what would have been seven weeks. Found out that the pregnancy had stopped developing at 6 weeks. I didn’t miscarry naturally, still had pregnancy symptoms, and it took several weeks it took a few rounds of medication before anything started to happen at all.

I still had positive pregnancy tests for about a month afterwards. I was so glad that I found out when I did, in comparison to having walked around for another 5 weeks ( if I’d waited until NHS scan) believing I was still pregnant, and then finding out I’d had a missed miscarriage.

@Quincythequince yes you can hear a heartbeat at 6 weeks. At exactly 6 weeks I heard my baby’s heartbeat and they measured it at 108bpm

There is something off about all this. Never mind about the wrongs or rights of an early scan.

You want a scan that costs a few quid - less than the cost of a meal out.

You say your partner is stingy and doesn't want to pay for it. Then later you say that you would pay for it, and that you also paid for the meal that you think he is putting more importance on than the scan.

So, YOU paid for the all important meal, and he didn't pay for anything. So what are you actually talking about here?

You say My husband doesn't want to pay for an early scan.

If you actually, truthfully have to get his permission to spend £55 of your own money, then something is very wrong here, isn't it?

If you are upset that he doesn't happen to agree with you that a scan is necessary, then that has nothing to do with the actual money side at all. But what you say is: My husband doesn't want to pay for an early scan.

Are you being financially abused OP? Because if you are, if you cannot spend your own money as you see fit, without 'permission', then please be very careful because this sort of controlling behaviour will only get worse now that you are pregnant. He won't magically get better just because he is going to have a child, he will likely get worse- statistically, abusive behaviour ramps up when a woman is pregnant.

You will be on Maternity Leave soon enough. Have you discussed with him that you will need shared access to all family funds during that time? Or are you hoping he will be understanding and suddenly stop being stingy?

Oh fgs! Grow up! It’s not worth crying over! £55 is £55 and you can buy waaaaaaay more useful stuff for that money than a 7week scan.

Think you were conned.

At 6 weeks, an embryo does not have a fully formed heart. Rather, it has a cluster of cells (that eventually forms into a heart) that emits electrical signals, which can be detected on an ultrasound. The heartbeat “sound” on an ultrasound is actually generated by the ultrasound machine itself during this time period.

If you are 35 then I'd say miss the early scan but splash out for the NIPT

I think some of the responses you have had are awful. There is nothing wrong with having an early scan. I’m very glad I had one! I had had a miscarriage a few months before and wanted reassurance everything was ok. I found out I was having twins, I’m so glad I knew early. And it’s an amazing memory (my twins are now 7).

The part that stand out to me from your post is the dynamic about money between you and your husband. Babies and children can cost a lot. I would be having a conversation with your husband to try and get on the same page now. You don’t want to be asking permission for every item you want to get your baby. Is he going to see money as seperate once the baby is here? While you are on maternity leave?

No, you can’t. There is no heart - a heart has not been formed.

You can not hear a heart beat where no heart exists

If the machine made a ‘ribbit’ sound, would you believe a frog was in your womb ? No of course you wouldn’t. You would realise it’s just the machine.

Same is true for the ‘lub dub’ sound you hear which is simply because the manufacturers have made it so.

And you were obviously conned.
I’m very sorry.

I don’t know why all these comments are asking why you want an early scan 🙈 why would you not want to see what’s going on in there? That’s not any sort of anxiety issue, it’s just normal excitement at not wanting to have to wait til the 12 week scan to have things checked. That’s completely normal!

@Quincythequince isn’t wrong; there’s no clinical benefit to an early scan in the absence of any concerning symptoms (eg symptoms of ectopic pregnancy which include many things before just collapsing, for most women! And you can’t always see the position of the embryo at 5-6 weeks to whoever said that previously).

There may be benefit in an early scan for reassurance but women may want to consider whether it will only reassure them briefly and then their anxiety will ramp up. It is just a snapshot.

Also if you need a scan on the nhs you will get one. The reason we don’t do routine scans every five minutes isn’t cost as in ‘we don’t want to pay for this for everyone’ but it is just not cost effective to scan that number of people for the number who would actually clinically benefit from it. In countries that do scan all the time, generally it’s in a healthcare system with a high private element or where the system is set up for the main clinician seeing the woman every time to be an obstetrician who will scan. If you are paying for a scan every visit that’s what you will get and morally I think there’s nothing wrong with this but clinically it’s not going to improve your chances for want of a better phrase. But if we use the finite pot of money to scan everyone all the time then there’s no money for other things. So choices have to be made, rightly or wrongly. I can’t get ivf on the nhs - why should pregnant women be getting scans for no clinical reason when I can’t even get treatment so I can have a baby? Or my friend who can’t get the biologic infusions she needs to stay alive and well because the CCG won’t fund it? Tbh I’m playing devils advocate because I don’t know how you ever make it ‘fair’.

Good luck with your pregnancy OP. For what it’s worth I think if you want a scan then get one just be mindful of the limitations and choose somewhere that provides decent aftercare as so many places don’t and just expect you to deal with whatever the findings are with no help.

Why even discuss it with him. Just book the scan; let him know so he can turn up if he wants.

I was high risk and had scans at 6 weeks, 7 weeks, 9 weeks, 10 weeks, 12 weeks. Then every month till 30 weeks, then every 2 weeks.

I have mixed feelings about private scans. Obviously it's your decision at the end of the day and each to their own! But I'd say a good 90% of the women I know who went for private scans became "addicted" to them and it wasn't from a place of "oh how nice to go and see the baby" - it was "I NEED to see my baby because somethings wrong" and it really effected their mental health. They weren't especially anxious people either, but there was something about the scans which became a bit of an obsession?

For this reason I was dead against them in my 1st pregnancy as I saw how detrimental they can be.
However, I went for a private scan the other day (I'm travelling when our 12 week scan is so would have had to wait until 16 weeks for a scan) and it was really nice to see the baby and put a lot of my concerns at bay. I wouldn't go at 7 weeks as there's not much to see, but maybe at 10 weeks? But then by the time you're there, you may as well wait for the "free" NHS one

@Quincythequince i don’t know why you’re being deliberately antagonistic on this thread.

It is indeed true that in many countries, earlier (and more frequent) scans are a standard. You don’t need mumsnet users to confirm that, Google is a free resource. I was pregnant with my first in the Netherlands for example, and a 7 week scan was the standard first scan - we saw the electrical activity coming from the foetus on the screen, clear as day, so they subsequently reduced my pregnancy risk score in my notes and tailored my care plan accordingly.

If you still think a 7 week scan is pointless and doesn’t tell you anything fine, but that’s your belief alone, not fact.

OP, do whatever gives you reassurance at this extremely anxious time - and know that the scan won’t be pointless if you go for it.

I had two early scans with my first; and one with my second. Not for any reason other than for reassurance. You don’t see much at 7 weeks (I think my first with DS was about that), I saw much more at 9/nearly 10, but hearing the heartbeat for both of them was magical.

What I would say though is the “reassurance” lasted about a day. I don’t think I ever really stopped worrying until I was getting regular movements. So, it’s a waste of money in that regard but it wouldn’t stop me from doing it if we go for number 3.

We had to go for early scans because i had a lot of heavy bleeding at the start of my pregnancy and at that stage along we couldn't really see anything there was nothing really to work off other than yolk sac, couldn't even see the fetal pole at that point. So tbh unless you're really worried about something specific relating to the pregnancy I wouldn't be paying for one at that stage. If you had a reason to worry (bleeding, previous loss etc) you can call your early pregnancy assessment unit and they'll scan you for free but they usually won't do a scan until at the earliest 8 weeks because there's not much to see. Give them a ring if you're worried about the clot they're genuinely so lovely in my experience and they will take you seriously. Of course if you have the money for it there's no reason why you can't pay for one just be prepared you might not see much and if its for reassurance you might not get any because its so early and there might not even be anything wrong.

Its actually really hard those first few months, you can't really tell people what's happening, everything feels very new and risky plus the hormones make everything ten times worse. I started a list of reasons why I cried pregnant and my number 1 is that I had too many socks in my sock drawer. It's hilarious now but at the time it was enough to tip me over the edge. So just be gentle with yourself and take each day as it comes. If you have a close friend you could confide in them maybe to help it all feel more real. I think your partner is just being pragmatic about it and I think I can see both sides.

Hey lovley , I completely understand where your coming from, if he can splash out for a meal why not splash out ( cheaper than the meal )for an early scan for your reassurance about HIS baby too? I understand you could pay for it yourself however if he is willing to spend on unnecessary things then this should be no problem , I am currently 8 weeks and left my previous job as a warehouse operative to look for a more suitable job for the long term so money has been tight for me , I went for a private scan at 5 weeks for reassurance, 60 quid, me and my partner went half so 30 each. I have been quite anxious about my pregnancy and my partner has offered to pay for another private scan to ease my mind,It sounds like your partner isn't hearing you ): maybe try sit down with him and just open up about why you want the scan and why its important to you and that it's a scan for HIS baby also , you shouldn't have to feel alone in your pregnancy, it's important to feel supported and have a good support network especially from BD I'm sorry to hear this , Hope your okay x

I don’t think that framing it this way is fair, he doesn’t think that your child will not be valuable; it’s the scan that he doesn’t see as being worth it.

Is there a reason that you feel it’s needed? If there’s a genuine medical need would the NHS not provide it?