Husband doesn't want to pay early pregnancy scan

[Newmamak]

My husband doesn't want to pay for an early scan ( I'm hopefully 7 weeks now) because he views it as we are paying the NHS with our taxes for one. He is very tight with money, not stingy but his immediate response is to never spend anything (I'm not complaining, he has good money sense and savings) but his reaction was really hurtful to me as it's only £55 and last week we went out to dinner in a nice restaurant with his friends and our share cost £80 alone so I can't understand why that 1 meal is more important than an early scan. It really hurt me that he is not excited about it like I am. He is all logic and I know I'm more emotional than normal if that's possible, but everything with him is so unemotional that I just feel so alone. Especially because I can't tell anyone. Once I started crying with disappointment, and explained why, he said just get the scan. But I'm so hurting right now. I know he doesn't process like I do and is trying his best, all housework, foot rubs dinner every day but I'm just so disappointed. I've felt so emotionally lonely the past few weeks I can't even being myself to hug him right now... am I completely unreasonable? Does anyone understand?

[Noix]

In other countries you'd get an early scan to rule out an ectopic at this stage. The NHS prefers women to collapse first which I'll never understand. So I'd get the early scan too and just bring him along - it will make it real for him, before then, it's likely that it doesn't feel that way yet because nothing has happened for him yet.

[Quincythequince]

@RedCardigan

@Quincythequince thé right positon they are referring to is if it’s in the uterus and not an ectopic pregnancy which would be life threatening to the mother and early detection would save complications.

So you new where the placenta is?
Indeed, it’s seen at the 12 week scan.

They don’t scan early on to look for this.

2 are needed for sure, more if necessary. But please don’t imply that more scans are clinically indicated on the average, healthy mother. We have plenty of other surrogate markers to look at in the meantime, and trust me, If you had an ectopic Pregnancy, you’d know about it.

[Quincythequince]

@Noix

In other countries you'd get an early scan to rule out an ectopic at this stage. The NHS prefers women to collapse first which I'll never understand. So I'd get the early scan too and just bring him along - it will make it real for him, before then, it's likely that it doesn't feel that way yet because nothing has happened for him yet.

Which other countries?

[Wnikat]

Bless you, OP, it’s ok to want a scan. But it’s also not unforgivable of him to want to wait for the NHS one. If he’s an otherwise good guy I would just chalk this one up to experience (and pay for the scan if you want it)

[Noix]

Germany for example

[Graceymac99]

I do understand your reasoning for wanting to have an early scan. I had several missed miscarriages which I wasn’t aware of until much later on. It’s completely reasonable to want reassurance that all is progressing as it should. I think your husband doesn’t understand as he isn’t physically going though the pregnancy. Men tend to be very logical in these situations of course not affected by the hormonal shifts. Also it’s your first so probably isn’t aware through personal experience of the problems that can arise.

[Quincythequince]

For uncomplicated pregnancies, which is circa 50% in the UK, 2 scans (plus all the appointments, screenings, blood work etc) is enough.

As soon as you introduce risk factors, then the number of scans indicated goes up and is requested by a GP/ midwife.

These private clinics prey on people.

Have additional ones if you want them no real issue there. But don’t imply that for the vast majority of women more scan are needed.

They’re simply not.

[Quincythequince]

@Noix

Germany for example

And?

What of it.

Nothing in the literature indicates that for the average healthy pregnancy, more scans are needed.

[W00p]

Can't think of anything worse than being probed by a transvaginal scanner so early on in pregnancy and I've had three! Let alone paying £55 for the "privilege". Can you not pay for it yourself? Have you had a look at scans this early so you know what you're going to see? Effectively a sac. You spend your money on what you want though.

[Quincythequince]

The NHS prefers women to collapse first which I'll never understand

Yes, that is of course what the NHS prefers 🙄

[Charl881]

I completely understand why you want an early scan. I had one with my DC and would have another if we are lucky enough to get pregnant again. My DP didn’t see the point but was fine to do it as he knew it meant a lot to me. Sounds like the same is true for you?

If your DP was refusing to come with you/ contribute towards it/ angry you were planning on going then I’d say YANBU but since he seems generally supportive I’d say YABU and it’s probably due to pregnancy hormones.

wishing you a healthy and happy pregnancy!

[Blossomtoes]

When I had my pregnancies scans weren’t even invented. Surely the reason the NHS doesn’t fund them at seven weeks is because they’re pointless? It’s going to be a loooooong pregnancy if you’re going to be like this for the next 33 weeks @Newmamak.

[MercuryOnTheRise]

To be perfectly honest op, you can only have known you are pregnant for about 3/4 weeks. Early on I recall there were enough signs for me, not least the blue veins on my breasts which were reminiscent of a Victoria Line coloured only tube map. Add in the tiredness and hunger and I knew I was pg.

Every pg followed that pattern except the mmc which with hindsight did slow up on symptoms.

I was considered high risk from pg 3. 27 years ago we had a 12 weeks scan and it was unusual because we went to KCH under the King's project for the nuchal fold scan. Up until then there would have been one scan at 20 weeks.

By the time I was pg with my third child I was referred for scans on the NHS at 7, 10, 12, 20, 26, 32 weeks - possibly a couple I have forgotten. 7 and 10 weeks was to support me; 20 indicated plancenta previa, 26 was to check it; it was moving up but baby was breach, 32 to check growth/breach. Was still breach at 38 weeks and they turned and then stayed put for 3.5 weeks.

If you want a scan pay for it op. It'sa non issue afaiac. My only concern is the shortage of sonographers which impacts all women. If it weren't for private clinics
more women would get the urgent early scans they need.

[unicornflakegirl]

@Plantlady10

I think PP are being very cold and unfair here. I had a private early scan for my first baby, it felt so unreal that there was a 'baby' in me and going for the scan confirmed it was real, and also gave me more accurate dates for how far gone I was. Now my baby is here I like having that photo of when he was tiny.

I would go for the scan, hopefully he will feel a bit more excited/emotionally connected once he sees the little bean

I agree, I don't see anything wrong with additional private scans, my sisters and I had them, so did many friends. Maybe it depends on your circle, I'm generally used to paying for extras that the NHS doesn't provide.
I didn't know the sex so it was not for any reveal, just reassurance that all was well. The gaps between NHS scans are long.

OP go for the scan, I hope you see a heartbeat and a little embryo and maybe when DH sees those things he'll feel like it's a bit more real.

[Alfenstein]

@Quincythequince never claimed it was a clinical necessity

You however have claimed it's not reassurance nor would you be able to see anything

This is incorrect

You'd be able to get a lot of reassurance if a heartbeat is detected and ensuring your baby is in the right position as well.

In other countries pregnant people get a lot more scans and appointments in general. It's weird you think the NHS wanting to save money is the 'right' way

In the US for example with my third pregnancy I had a blood test at 6 weeks to confirm the pregnancy, a scan at 8 weeks, more tests at 10-11 weeks, 12 week scan, 14 week sex scan (if requested) 16 week tests, 20 week scan and after then it was bi-weekly appts until the end, all of which included listening to baby's heartbeat

That's a far cry from the 2 scans we have here.

[CallOnMe]

I personally don’t see the point in having an early scan but if you want one then definitely go ahead and get one but pay for it yourself.
I don’t think it’s something you should be upset about.

[Emilyh92]

Wow I only read about half of the responses but they were really mean.

I totally understand you feeling a bit upset, it’s just the disappointment of him not getting why it’s important to you and feeling the same way. I’m not saying you should expect him to feel exactly how you do but a bit of understanding would be nice. Early pregnancy is so nerve wracking!

In his defence I think the pregnancy journey is probably soo different for the man, especially this early on.

Hope you’re doing okay and if you need an early scan for reassurance ignore these comments and get one :) you should be able to hear the heartbeat now, don’t understand how anyone here would not get how reassuring that is?? X

[Alfenstein]

@Blossomtoes

When I had my pregnancies scans weren’t even invented. Surely the reason the NHS doesn’t fund them at seven weeks is because they’re pointless? It’s going to be a loooooong pregnancy if you’re going to be like this for the next 33 weeks @Newmamak.

Of course they're not pointless

Hence why in other counties people have many more scams starting from around the 6-8 week mark. The NHS doesn't do them for cost reasons.

[Charl881]

I disagree with PPs who say there is no benefit to an early scan. If it gives you as the mum some peace of mind and reassurance then of course that is a benefit. It’s not just about physical health benefits. Of course it doesn’t mean something won’t go wrong further down the line but then you could say that at any time in life.

[Anxiousanddramatic]

1000% go for the private scan
It was the best experience with both my children
They explain everything in detail and they make you feel so comfortable
Last time my 2 year old had a tantrum because he wanted me to hold him while I was being scanned and it was all so embarrassing and the people were so kind they gifted him a stuffed animal and a few days after they posted me a free frame for my babies photo and sent me a little note
I've had lovely experiences with them

In regards to your husband
Assuming it's his first as well once he goes to the scan I'm sure he will be grateful my husband was reluctant and couldn't understand why I wanted one but after he booked a few more though out my pregnancies he enjoyed them more and he said it was better because in the hospital he had no clue where the baby was on the scan but when you go private they showed and explained everything to him so it was a good experience for him as well

The first trimester is so so hard emotionally and physically
Don't be so hard on your self you can be emotional and take things however you like
Just try to be patient with your husband and with yourselves
You've got a long magical few months to come
Everything will be fine

Hope everything works out with that clot xx

[Alfenstein]

@Quincythequince you're just showing yourself as being ignorant at this point

Heartbeats are typically detected from 6 weeks, some as early as 5.

And right position means not ectopic

[thecatsmum12346]

I think it’s totally understandable that you may want an early scan. It’s up to you. And yes, extremely hurtful that you are not being supported 🙏

[Lacdepassy]

I wouldn't have an early scan - you may be slightly earlier than 7 weeks and then they might not see a fetal heart which will riddle you with worry.

Also - who is doing this scan? Are they qualified to give you advice if you cannot see a heartbeat yet. What if there is something to see that is concerning?

We do not routinely scan that early because, the baby is so small and difficult to see any detail - goodness knows what is going on in there really.

Your baby isn't going to be affected by a clot in your leg.

I don't think you AIBU as your hormones are flooding though your body. You are acutely aware of the changes you are going through. Your dh is being more practical and just following the normal routine (and evidence based) care you will have in your local health board.

My dh is a non fuss man who would have thought it a bit odd to buy a private scan when you'll be having a full assessment by a professional at the antenatal clinic in a few weeks time. Dh is a great dad by the way. You are both looking this completely differently

[Felixsmama]

Foot rubs and dinner cooked at 7 weeks pregnant?!! 🤣🤣 I think your husband is a saint, you aren't dying OP. It's perfectly normal to wait until your 12 week scan

[OutnumberedByNone]

All housework, dinner and foot rubs every day? If you don't want him anymore can I have him?

(I do understand having an early scan for reassurance. I bled nonstop for the first twenty weeks and was convinced that I was going to miscarry anytime now till I had an early scan where they detected a heartbeat avd said baby seems perfectly fine)

You can't expect someone to feel exactly the same thing that you are feeling. What you can expect is for the other person to respect your feelings once you've made them clear. Sounds like your husband was on board once he realised how much it would mean to you. I think in this instance that is good enough.