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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my contributions to our family home count for anything?

395 replies

Greenlife1 · 04/08/2022 15:12

I know that I have few rights as per current legislation but am I being unreasonable to think I have earned a segment of our next family home (I'm talking in terms of ethical principles not legality)

Living with partner of 15 years and our 4 children. He is buying a house outright which will be paid for by selling the house we have lived in for 10 years and is also owned by him. I have worked and contributed to running the household for 15 years and have, of course, sacrificed career progression to support my family and his career, not to mention, I have also grafted on the current house, helping to increase its value and spent small amounts of money on it when I have been able to.

Partner thinks I'm ludicrous to even have these thoughts as I've not put in any big amounts of money. I had hoped I might be able to aim for a small mortgage on our next home that I could pay off myself to give me some security and to just feel like I have a place in the world that I have earned but he wants to own it outright.

Marriage not on cards right now for various reasons.

OP posts:
Ontomatopea · 04/08/2022 17:43

PMAmostofthetime · 04/08/2022 17:28

@Greenlife1 are you in the UK- if you work and contribute to bills you are legally entitled to 50% if there was ever any separation.

Don't be ridiculous

TiredButAlive · 04/08/2022 17:43

I presume he hasn't been charging you rent? So where has that money gone? Have you saved a lump sum in lieu of any financial stake in the house? If you have improved his house then you needed to invoice him for the work you did! Do it retrospectively. As for the childcare thing... well I know from experience that giving up career progression to bring up the kids doesn't count even if you are married. Society really doesn't value you for doing that. Warn your own daughters or female relatives not to fall into the trap of assuming you should take the bulk of parental responsibility. He sounds like a pig. He should want to make you feel financially secure! He clearly doesn't.

Aposterhasnoname · 04/08/2022 17:45

PMAmostofthetime · 04/08/2022 17:28

@Greenlife1 are you in the UK- if you work and contribute to bills you are legally entitled to 50% if there was ever any separation.

My DD owns her house outright. She lived with her boyfriend who had two daughters that stayed half the week. Boyfriend worked and paid for everything. DD worked on and off, but not much. No kids of her own. They split up (his fault, he cheated), guess who was out on his ear with nothing to show for it? Spoiler it wasn’t DD.

Spohn · 04/08/2022 17:47

That wasn't a wise choice to make, leaving yourself at risk of homelessness to benefit your boyfriend and leave yourself absolutely up shit creek.

You'd need to secure housing for yourself, sounds like the boyfriend doesn't really give a shit about you, so you need to protect yourself.

RenegadeMatron · 04/08/2022 17:48

Aposterhasnoname · 04/08/2022 17:45

My DD owns her house outright. She lived with her boyfriend who had two daughters that stayed half the week. Boyfriend worked and paid for everything. DD worked on and off, but not much. No kids of her own. They split up (his fault, he cheated), guess who was out on his ear with nothing to show for it? Spoiler it wasn’t DD.

Show quote history

That is delicious

Not the cheating. But the karma.

Spohn · 04/08/2022 17:51

Seeing a lawyer or financial advisor would be wasting her money, and the boyfriends will is irrelevant, it can be changed at any time, OP has chosen to have zero legal protections for 15 years.
She needs to take responsibility for her life and housing , urgently

SparklyLeprechaun · 04/08/2022 17:54

It's ridiculous that he won't accept you contributing towards a share of the new house. I would understand if he wanted to protect his initial investment, if he has bought the current house by himself with money he earned before meeting you - that's only fair, and you have saved significantly by not paying into a mortgage or rent.

That doesn't mean he shouldn't offer you a share in the new home that you can pay for.

Trustingreenthings · 04/08/2022 17:55

Sorry you are in this position op. It must be very upsetting for you.

I think you need to tell your bf/partner that you can no longer make any contributions to the house and that you will no longer be able to contribute 50/50 childcare but a proportional percentage (if you earn less than him) as you need to secure your own future. Also, that he will need to do many more hours child care and step up (as you have done for him) when children are ill as you will now be focussing on your own career. It will be hard! But you can do it! Make sure you get some rl support for yourself.

Fairyliz · 04/08/2022 18:04

This is one of those threads that I would like to force teenage girls to read before they get into a relationship.
Don’t have children before you get married and if you do don’t give up your career. Make raising your children a job that you share.

ApplesandBunions · 04/08/2022 18:05

Oh OP... what a mess.

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 04/08/2022 18:06

Trustingreenthings · 04/08/2022 17:55

Sorry you are in this position op. It must be very upsetting for you.

I think you need to tell your bf/partner that you can no longer make any contributions to the house and that you will no longer be able to contribute 50/50 childcare but a proportional percentage (if you earn less than him) as you need to secure your own future. Also, that he will need to do many more hours child care and step up (as you have done for him) when children are ill as you will now be focussing on your own career. It will be hard! But you can do it! Make sure you get some rl support for yourself.

And when he tells her to leave? Let's be sensible about our suggestions.

DenholmElliot1 · 04/08/2022 18:06

These types of post always make me feel sad.

How come he brought the original house in his name only?

Hugasauras · 04/08/2022 18:09

How on earth do you end up like this after 15 years?! Confused It blows my mind. He's absolutely got it made. Free childcare, a household skivvy and he can just leave whenever he wants and have all the assets while you are left in the shit with four kids.

If marriage isn't on the cards after 15 years then he's never going to marry you. That should tell you everything you need to know about how committed he is to you all. He's just waiting for a better offer to come along, isn't he?

LittleOwl153 · 04/08/2022 18:18

To me it would be clear. Whilst the youngers ones are still of child maintenance age...

I'd want onto the deeds of the new house at a reasonable percentage - not kess than 25%.

OR

I would be prioritising my own future by purchasing a small property (as much as you can afford) on my earnings alone, and deducting the mortgage/costs of that from my contribution to theain household. I'd then rent it out to create a surpluses possible so that you had some security.

If the greedy partner was not in agreement to either option - or rather blocked both options as he doesnt need to agree to the second - I would leave and expect him to support his kids through child maintenance so I could get myself a secured future.

quicklybeendrivenmad · 04/08/2022 18:22

After my first failed marriage and being left with DD1 and worked my way back to a future there is no way I would have had further DD's with DH until after marriage and always protected them and myself luckily DH was happy to do that as I needed the security. But 15 years 4 kids and no security and you are suggesting getting a small mortgage to give you some security think that ship has sailed sorry if it sounds blunt.

But why is marriage not an option ? I would not be moving and not signing the papers so he can, as an adult in a soon to be sold property you have to sign to say you will vacate on completion!! I would be saying NO

Dixiechickonhols · 04/08/2022 18:24

Partner presumably thinks you are unreasonable as you've been happy with situation for 15 years so what has changed.
He's not made the commitment of marriage to you so you both knew the score.
He's obviously not viewing you as a partner. You have made decisions to limit your earnings and do work on his house but those were your decisions.
If you are staying with him and he won't jointly buy with you I'd buy your own property and let it. Make sure you work full time and he pays for all expenses re his house.
If you have contibuted to the home and have detailed proof look into beneficial interest but it's very difficult to prove and would cost a lot in legal fees.
People always comment on the benefits of marriage v unmarried threads that no one is naive enough to end up in this situation and most weeks a post like this crops up.

PhilInt · 04/08/2022 18:25

I'm another one who thinks that's you will likely be entitled to a share. If he hasn't drawn up a legal agreement to specifically exclude you and you have been contributing there is nothing to stop you saying you believed you were a partnership and were paying into the house. As someone said probably harder to claim if you move to a new house which is again solely in his name. See a solicitor, you've raised his children FGS, you are supposed to be a team, it's clear he's never seen it that way.

AussieMozzieMagnet · 04/08/2022 18:27

Precisely why I do not believe in living together before marriage. It's a full-on legal commitment which ensures my safety and that of future children. I will teach my daughter the same. Sorry it's old-fashioned but women need to protect themselves.

BungleandGeorge · 04/08/2022 18:29

if You can evidence the 50% you’ve paid in see a solicitor, you need to make a claim before he invests elsewhere. Also, at the least, if you will be contributing to the new house insist you are tenants in common with you having an appropriate share of the new house to reflect this. Otherwise I wouldn’t pay in and would invest your money in your own name

BungleandGeorge · 04/08/2022 18:30

AussieMozzieMagnet · 04/08/2022 18:27

Precisely why I do not believe in living together before marriage. It's a full-on legal commitment which ensures my safety and that of future children. I will teach my daughter the same. Sorry it's old-fashioned but women need to protect themselves.

Why? If you don’t have kids you can just buy a house 50/50. Much more cost effective too given the cost of a divorce!

Whadda · 04/08/2022 18:32

I think YABU.

You’ve chosen to live with a man in his house. You’ve done this because you saw some benefit to the situation.

Why possessed you to have four children with this man without being married to him?

It’s all very well to stamp your feet and whinge and moan that it’s unfair, but getting married is cheap, quick, and would provide 100% of what you’re looking for.

DrBlackbird · 04/08/2022 18:35

Greenlife1 · 04/08/2022 15:26

No, what matters at the moment is whether I am being unreasonable!

Of course you are not being unreasonable! But you probably know that, it’s just a mercenary tight “D’P has tried to convince you otherwise.

Think of it this way, if you weren’t around, how much would it cost DP to pay someone to look after his children and take care of the house and home? It’s just crazy how much unpaid (so unvalued) work that women do.

Smell0fRainbow · 04/08/2022 18:39

If you live in UK

Look on www.gov.uk or citizens advice website

These clearly inform you about the legal differences between married, civil partnership & single.

Currently you are both legally single

If you seperate, the only thing that you could claim from him would be child maintenance & half of any joint savings

You would receive no share in any property

You would receive no share in private pension

Do your research

RewildingAmbridge · 04/08/2022 18:40

Why would you give up/hinder your career, have four children, without any legal protections at all including shared ownership of the family home? Marriage is the easiest but other legal agreements can be made.
Yes he is unreasonable, but this isn't a revelation, you've been incredibly foolish and for some reason you see it on here time and time again.

UniversalAunt · 04/08/2022 18:41

Your wish is understandable & not unreasonable.

Legally, you are very disadvantaged in this situation.

A pp used the phrase ‘legally fucked’.