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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my contributions to our family home count for anything?

395 replies

Greenlife1 · 04/08/2022 15:12

I know that I have few rights as per current legislation but am I being unreasonable to think I have earned a segment of our next family home (I'm talking in terms of ethical principles not legality)

Living with partner of 15 years and our 4 children. He is buying a house outright which will be paid for by selling the house we have lived in for 10 years and is also owned by him. I have worked and contributed to running the household for 15 years and have, of course, sacrificed career progression to support my family and his career, not to mention, I have also grafted on the current house, helping to increase its value and spent small amounts of money on it when I have been able to.

Partner thinks I'm ludicrous to even have these thoughts as I've not put in any big amounts of money. I had hoped I might be able to aim for a small mortgage on our next home that I could pay off myself to give me some security and to just feel like I have a place in the world that I have earned but he wants to own it outright.

Marriage not on cards right now for various reasons.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/08/2022 15:38

If your partner is a decent person he should agree for you either to be put on the deeds or to marry / CP. Registry office job.

He must know you have put in as much as he has in one for or another.

If he doesn’t want to do this, he is putting himself before you in a way that would make me not want to be with him. But unfortunately your only financial security is to be with him.

Triffid1 · 04/08/2022 15:42

No, of course you are not being unreasonable. However, based on what you've written, I suspect he's been financially abusing you for years and years and you are now in a situation where you might have all the moral high ground, but legally you are fucked.

Having said that, posters on here are always justifying cock lodgers on the basis that if a man contributes a penny to his female partners' house he might be legally entitled to some of it so I'd be seeing a solicitor asap myself.

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 04/08/2022 15:46

Ethics are sadly irrelevant here.

You've chosen to live with someone and have multiple children without putting any legal protections in place in case things go wrong. You also chose to sacrifice your career and your future financial security for someone who has absolutely no obligation to you whatsoever.

Thankfully, we live in a society where you have to opt into joining finances with another person, as it means people can't just sleepwalk into a commitment they haven't properly considered.

SarahSissions · 04/08/2022 15:48

You aren’t being unreasonable.

I would suggest that you make an appointment with a family solicitor just for you to go through things. If you have a long term partner and have contributed to the main residence then often you can put it a claim. Where it might murky the waters is him buying a new property now entirely in his name and whether you not registering and of that in your name now being seen as an admission at this stage that you haven’t contributed. So I would get professional advice.
my concern would be, after so long and children why is he working so hard to protect his assets and keep you out of the loop. Is it so you have to stay with him, in which case coercive control; is it to keep his options open; or is he just a bit of a selfish bastard? I can’t think of a good reason

Pinkdelight3 · 04/08/2022 15:59

Why would you be remotely surprised by this? Having 4 DC, unmarried, with a git with this ludicrous attitude is not a great strategy if what you're after is security. Ethically and legally you made your choices. If you want financial security, a mortgage, a place in the world, then there are ways to get it. This is not the way. But you've had 4 DC and chose them (and this git) over career progression etc, so that's what you've got instead of the house. It sucks, but that's a wake up call to make some changes.

newbiename · 04/08/2022 16:02

Greenlife1 · 04/08/2022 15:26

No, what matters at the moment is whether I am being unreasonable!

Of course YANBU , but unfortunately legally you're buggered.

Velvian · 04/08/2022 16:05

YANBU@Greenlife1 , what an ungrateful, cynical, freeloader he is!

Spanielsarepainless · 04/08/2022 16:06

I voted YABU as living with a partner in their house doesn't mean anything legally as far the house goes. You need to get married or put on the house paperwork.

flirtygirl · 04/08/2022 16:19

You can't change the last 15 years but you can make a change going forward.

Stop paying 50% and pay a proportion of the Bills minus the 15 years of contribution to his life, his house and childcare. Sit down do the sums and present it to him, if he asks. Include all the smaller sums you spent on the house over the last 15 years.

With your now disposable income save and save some more.

Save a deposit for either a buy to let or a house to live in.

You need to sort out your financial future.

Teddeh · 04/08/2022 16:21

I had hoped I might be able to aim for a small mortgage on our next home that I could pay off myself. What is your own financial situation right now? Do you have
income, savings and investments in your own name, etc. such that the two of you could buy a house together with each contributing, but he refuses and insists on buying on on his own?

Or do you not have the funds for this as you've been spending more than your share on household expenses and home improvements and/or limited your earnings as you took on more than your share of childcare, etc.? If it's the latter then yes, ethically he should be factoring in your contributions. You can write him up a bill of the money your work has saved him to back up your argument, but likely there's not much you can legally recoup (although I agree that you should seek legal advice now, before he sells or buys, so you don't miss any options).

Partner thinks I'm ludicrous to even have these thoughts as I've not put in any big amounts of money. Has he listened carefully to what you have to say and explained why he disagrees in principle? He may have a point on certain items - for example, if most of your contributions to the current house are to make living there more comfortable for the short term rather than adding to the resale value - but "ludicrous to even have the thoughts" sounds like a disrepectful dismissal, and potentially a bit bullying. (He wants to shame you into shutting up and letting him do what he wants.)

.... but he wants to own it outright. Why? Ask him to tell you exactly why, and consider his answer when you decide how to go forward. Remember that no matter what happens between the two of you, he has 50% of the responsibility for the children both financially and in terms of custody and everyday care; do not ever let him off the hook on that.

FrownedUpon · 04/08/2022 16:22

Oh dear, he’s had it all his own way hasn’t he. How on earth did you get into this set up? Hopefully you have your own savings & pension so you can go it alone.

SallyWD · 04/08/2022 16:28

This is awful! When my parter (now DH) and I bought our first house together he was listed as having a greater share of the house which I completely understood as he paid for the deposit and was paying the mortgage. However as soon as we had a child together he felt very uncomfortable owning more of the house than me because he saw us as equals - despite the fact he was paying more financially. We changed things so we both owned 50% of the house. This was HIS idea. We're now married. I can't believe your partner is treating you like a second class citizen after 15 years and raising a family together. You're in a very vulnerable position.

RedHelenB · 04/08/2022 16:31

Greenlife1 · 04/08/2022 15:23

I work and pay into household and children costs 50/50.

Well stop. Use your money to save up to buy your own property. If h e doesn't like it he can put you on the mortgage and deeds of the new house

Merryoldgoat · 04/08/2022 16:33

I’ve said YABU simply because there is an easy way to resolve this issue.

However YANBU to feel you are an equal partner. You’ve obviously allowed such a disadvantageous situation to develop over years and the reality is that women aren’t taught enough about what marriage is and why it’s important.

Bluevelvetsofa · 04/08/2022 16:34

You’re not being unreasonable to believe that you have earned a share in the house you’ve lived in and contributed towards, in terms of expenses and caring for the house and your family.

You are being unreasonable if you believe that you are entitled to a share of it from someone who is apparently not prepared to give you that. If he was, there would be a legally enforceable agreement, or better still, marriage. I’m assuming he doesn’t want that.

If he wants to own it outright, then you need to consider what arrangements you can make outside that, to ensure you have a roof over your head. It doesn’t sound as though you particularly want to move either.

If you are working, I’d say that your salary should be in your own account and that you build up some savings of your own. If you and he are no longer a couple in the future, what provision would there be for the children.

Merryoldgoat · 04/08/2022 16:35

@SallyWD

DH and I similarly. He has the deposit but I paid hLf the mortgage.

Once we married and moved we owned jointly and that’s that.

Sartre · 04/08/2022 16:35

Legally you have zero right to the house because you’re not married and not on the mortgage. As for providing childcare/housework over the years, it doesn’t really count for anything. My MIL has just tried dragging her ex partner through the courts claiming he owes her thousands for the bills she had contributed towards and items she had bought for the house. Her ex paid her off because he wanted her to go away (understandable) but I don’t think she really had any case tbh.

You either need your name on the mortgage or need to get married.

Getoff · 04/08/2022 16:36

If he's actually paid for the house and OP has only paid for 50% of other bills, then I don't think he's unreasonable.

NorthernSoul55 · 04/08/2022 16:36

Has he got a will? What happens to you if he drops dead tomorrow?

Getoff · 04/08/2022 16:37

don't think he's necessarily unreasonable, I should have said. It will depend on all the facts.

MissBPotter · 04/08/2022 16:38

You are unreasonable to have sacrificed your career
when unmarried and to have contributed anything to his home (clearly he doesn’t see it as yours but is happy for you to spend money and do work on it!!).
Would be interested to know what he is like with money - hopefully he doesn’t have thousands tucked away while your subsisting on child benefit and a meagre pt wage?
Why wouldn’t you marry (register office)?

MissBPotter · 04/08/2022 16:41

I work and pay into household and children costs 50/50

Do you earn similar to him? How much are you saving for your own property to rent out?

Aposterhasnoname · 04/08/2022 16:42

Wow. I can’t even think what to say about this. Way too late to be wondering if you’re unreasonable or not. I just hope you went into this with your eyes wide open and didn’t fall for any of that common law wife bollocks.

WeAreAllLionesses · 04/08/2022 16:47

Op, why is marriage not on the cards? Is that your decision or his?

Begoniasforever · 04/08/2022 16:48

WinterMusings · 04/08/2022 15:29

15 years, 4 kids & he wants to own your family home on his own?

how did it come to this?

has no one ever said to you 'WTF are you doing?'

Did you have a very very rubbish upbringing, that you feel you have so little worth that you willingly accepted this arrangement & even now feel you have to BUY into it by getting a mortgage.

this wanker has taken you for a ride and you've gone along for the ride -why??

Hang on. He’s not taken her for a ride. From what I read he wasn’t ever offering or even pretending to offer more, thr op is a grown up with personal responsibility, she chose, knowing he wasn’t offering anything, from marriage to home ownership, to have kids with him, live in his house and I assume be financially provided for by him. She knew and she chose it.

no one has been taken for a ride.the deal was clear and she ran at it.