To think that my contributions to our family home count for anything?

[Greenlife1]

I know that I have few rights as per current legislation but am I being unreasonable to think I have earned a segment of our next family home (I'm talking in terms of ethical principles not legality)

Living with partner of 15 years and our 4 children. He is buying a house outright which will be paid for by selling the house we have lived in for 10 years and is also owned by him. I have worked and contributed to running the household for 15 years and have, of course, sacrificed career progression to support my family and his career, not to mention, I have also grafted on the current house, helping to increase its value and spent small amounts of money on it when I have been able to.

Partner thinks I'm ludicrous to even have these thoughts as I've not put in any big amounts of money. I had hoped I might be able to aim for a small mortgage on our next home that I could pay off myself to give me some security and to just feel like I have a place in the world that I have earned but he wants to own it outright.

Marriage not on cards right now for various reasons.

It doesn’t sound like he’s ever hidden the fact that he doesn’t want to get married and share the value of the house with you, so you do have to take a fair amount of responsibility for the fact that you’ve chosen to have four children and to rely entirely on his income and already paid for house.

I don’t think it would be fair to expect any of his house. He owned before you were together and you don’t get to take that away just because the two of you had children. If you split, you would be morally entitled to some cash, but otherwise your contribution to the home and your children is what’s enabled you to not have to contribute financially.

Ethics only, it wouldn’t be ethical to expect something of him that he didn’t agree to.
He made his decisions in full knowledge of the law, so did you.

He could say that you traded the career for less financial responsibility than him - that ethically, you had you cut there, he’s owed the house because he didn’t take that lower responsibility option.

He could say that you traded the career for time with the children (more than average number of children) and again, ethically that was your cut.

Not saying any of those is my position - but I do think it’s unethical to expect something many years down the line.

Unless you’re 4 are quads, you had 4 very good decision points not to continue in the relationship unmarried - or not jointly owning property.

When I wasn’t married, I’d have had a huge ethical issue with having an expectation forced on me that I didn’t want. That’s why we have laws - by and large they give a clear ethical framework. You can choose to be in a marital contract, and you can choose not to be. It’s unethical to force the contractual terms onto one person in a relationship where both chose not to enter the contract.

Welll clearly if he won’t put her name on the deeds he’s not going to be bang up for marrying her…

I'm afraid you're unreasonable for going along with this for so long. You've screwed yourself over really.

Have you at least got some sort of legal contact in place for if he dies? A will? Life insurance?

Did you genuinely not realise how few rights you would have when you started living with him and had four ( four !!) DC with him? How can women not realise this?

To as certain extent YABU . You really should have thought about this before giving birth to a first baby whose father you aren’t going to marry any time soon. Let alone before you gave work. Let alone before you had next child…
marriage is there for a reason - it provides you with legal entitlement once you have children and if you need to give up work for any length of time (applies to both parties).

he knows exactly what his rights are and that you have none. Of course he doesn’t want to marry but can wrap it up in whatever language he wants, Marriage has to be on the cards as your number one priority or just leave him now while you have chance to repair the damage financially.

Other than contributing to the work you've put into the house have you paid any regular amounts to your partner over what would be your contribution towards the bills? I.e. what you would otherwise be paying in rent or a mortgage?

From your partners perspective if you've been living rent free then, yes... I think you're being unreasonable.

OP is he married to someone else and thus not able to marry you? I can't see any other reason why you cannot be married, and I would be walking away sharpish if he's not willing to marry you.

Whilst I think legally you will be entitled to a proportional part of the house if you have paid into it and/or done structural work to the property. I don’t think you will be entitled to as much as you might think. It would also be potentially costly to get it and can be dependent on the judge and how the money was contributed ie if you bought food and furniture or if you contributed directly to the mortgage or repairs.

I would get proper legal advice and I’m sorry but It doesn’t sound like you have a safe future with him so I would be wary about paying any more into this that you have to.

if you were earning less then you are likely to have a much smaller pension than him and less savings. Whilst none of this is fair or moral I agree and I think you need to concentrate on securing your financial future right now. Concentrate on your career and make him do 50\50 on childcare and housework so you can concentrate on you.

“I had hoped I might be able to aim for a small mortgage on our next home that I could pay off myself to give me some security and to just feel like I have a place in the world that I have earned but he wants to own it outright.“

What does that even mean, really? On another thread you were looking at a £450K house. So a “small mortgage” wouldn’t give you a place that you’ve earned.

It would give you some security though, as you could put him through some lengthy court time before you accepted the buy out of a sale I suppose.

That’s the more interesting ethical question to me - do you trust his ethics not to tell you to leave if you split up?

If he can afford to buy outright, and you can afford a small mortgage and have been paying 50/50 recently, then I think the answer here is for you to pay only your share of the bills and use your income to buy a smaller property and let it out for now. That will actually give you “a place in the world that I’ve earned.” Legally that is. Ethically he could say he should own part of it because you can only afford a mortgage because you’re living rent free in his house. How would you like them ethical eggs?!

But seriously… stop putting money into the house. Save it for your own security.

You are not being unreasonable that the house should belong to both of you. You have shared children and have taken that financial sacrifice. Morally, your partner should want to protect you legally and make sure you are not the only one with economic risk because of the children. This goes far beyond whose name is on the house.

I don’t know what to say to OP.

but OP have you just given birth? You said recently in your post about new houses that you have 3 children and now you have 4 as per this thread? If you’ve just given birth you’re extra vulnerable and May I suggest you please sort contraception so you don’t keep having more children with/for this man? Every additional child is furthering your vulnerability

Or he can throw her out

@Greenlife1 are you in the UK- if you work and contribute to bills you are legally entitled to 50% if there was ever any separation.

What's your plan for your old age once he dies?

YABU.
You want to change the rules in your favour after plodding along for 15years.

He would be a fool to change it now and make himself vulnerable.

I would second a PP’s suggestion to speak to a solicitor. I knew someone whose partner split up with her and asked her to leave (so new partner could move in). She had mostly been at home as she’d struggled to find permanent work after they moved there. When the house was subsequently sold a solicitor helped her claim a share of the proceeds because she had contributed to the running and upkeep of the house, as well as her small financial contribution. I don’t know if her situation was exactly like yours but it does sound similar.

See a solicitor.

For goodness sake, I hope that’s not common law marriage bollocks. She is not entitled to fifty percent they are not married. Just like a tenant isn’t entitled to their landlords home neither is she. Please at least check your facts before posting silly stuff.

There are a few legal cases where women have been able to claim a share of the house based on contributions but they had also been promised a share and had contributed based on that belief - this was key.

by contrast OP has contributed knowing she is not married and (as far as I can tell) knowing the house is her partner’s and he has no intention of sharing it.

OP, you have been incredibly naive.

And of course marriage isn’t on the cards. Why would it be?

Your partner has absolutely everything he needs, and doesn’t need to give anything. If he married, he would.

But I would also think marriage isn’t on the cards, because why would you want to marry such a selfish, uncaring man?

Are you sure?

Can you confirm this is actually true?

See a lawyer and a financial adviser, just for you.

I'd want to know what was in his will (if any - and what your position would be if there isn't one). I'd want to know who has life insurance and who is the beneficiary. And then I'd start thinking about your home and your rights to live there, or lack of.

His view of your thoughts is one thing but should not stop you getting advice that is yours. You could say that he has been generous. I'm not sure. I do think you are vulnerable right now and life can change in a moment.

people coming out with this shite is why we have people in OPs position.