To think that my contributions to our family home count for anything?

[Greenlife1]

I know that I have few rights as per current legislation but am I being unreasonable to think I have earned a segment of our next family home (I'm talking in terms of ethical principles not legality)

Living with partner of 15 years and our 4 children. He is buying a house outright which will be paid for by selling the house we have lived in for 10 years and is also owned by him. I have worked and contributed to running the household for 15 years and have, of course, sacrificed career progression to support my family and his career, not to mention, I have also grafted on the current house, helping to increase its value and spent small amounts of money on it when I have been able to.

Partner thinks I'm ludicrous to even have these thoughts as I've not put in any big amounts of money. I had hoped I might be able to aim for a small mortgage on our next home that I could pay off myself to give me some security and to just feel like I have a place in the world that I have earned but he wants to own it outright.

Marriage not on cards right now for various reasons.

You are not being unreasonable to feel that your contribution is not valued in the relationship. What you have to decide, is whether you want to stay where you are not valued.
None of us can tell you what to do, but your future is really insecure here, and I’d strongly recommend getting some legal advice over it. You say that marriage isn’t on the cards, but tbh, it doesn’t sound as if it would solve the bigger problem here.
IF (and I DO mean “if”) you are thinking of ending the relationship, then you may be in a stronger position doing so sooner rather than later.

How have you ended up in this situation op? I wouldn't be moving into his house that's for damp sure. I'd be finding somewhere else for my children and I to live . He's an arsehole that you've out up with for years you really have fucked yourself and your children over big time.

@Greenlife1 Go back to work full time, earn more and tell him because he is the low wage earner he can now reduce his hours and do all the child pick ups, chores etc! Turn it around and get him to put in the hours and money you did. Meanwhile yourself: Save a pot of money. Put it down on a house as a buy to let. B2L properties do not need an income and cost of living assessment, just usually a 20% deposit and proof that rent will more than cover the mortgage. Also most importantly get yourself a pension built up in your name. If he fu£ks off an leaves you - you will need both of these. Don’t be a doormat. If he objects to any of this say you need a will. It’s not unheard of for middle aged men to drop dead of heart attacks etc (I’ve known a few). Make sure the house is left at least in trust to your children but to be managed by you until your death or moving. Make sure he has life insurance to protect you all.

Much like most others, I agree that you really need to get some proper financial advice and a solicitor. I think he's clearly screwed you over. I guess that he is much higher earner than you and so sounds ridiculous that you are paying 50/50 on bills when it should be proportionate. Pay less on the bills, get some money saved and get out of there as soon as you financially can. On the other hand, I don't think you are being unreasonable as you clearly have put in some financial contribution, however he clearly thinks he's gotten a good deal with you and will probably follow the law to the T just to make sure you don't have an entitlement.

Hello

Sorry for the silence. I have been reading comments, making plans....... and nursing baby all night working all day.

I can't say I'm not disappointed but I really have few rights. I knew this. I'm an adult. I accept it. Of course that does not mean that I am not upset, its not like we did not have plenty of conversations about how I would like the opportunity to have a part in my own house one day. I will have to make this happen independently over the next few years. But I am gutted I have supported someone emotionally (and mainly matched them in terms paying my share of life running costs) and done what I feel is the lion share of child-rearing to help that person to stay in the job they love. After all, had he worked for money, not just passion, then perhaps our outgoings would have been more manageable and it may have given me a bit more freedom over this period.

You are entitled morally of course but ABU to think that you can actually access this simply because he owns it and you aren’t married.

What a guy though. How awful of him.

@Greenlife1 Whats changed? Why were you happy with this arrangement having three children, but now no. 4 is here, you’re not?

What's changed is he is selling the house we live in and looking for another one. I asked if I could pay towards a percentage of it. He said no. The rest I have outlined I my earlier post's.

Basically you’ve sacrificed your life for a bloke that wouldn’t marry you (clearly obvious why given how he’s choosing to buy alone) and now you have found you’ve royally fucked yourself over. Hope you get women read this thread and realise why marriage is so important in protecting them from being shafted.

She’s clearly said she didn’t want to be someone’s wife. You can’t have it both ways. You’re either a wife or you’re legally single and giving up your independence as just a girlfriend. This decision has implications for dependent children you bring into the world

So if you tell him this has caused you to re-evaluate the whole relationship and consider whether you want to continue in it - what does he say?

I don’t understand this no. Why are you asking him whether you can contribute instead of telling him you are contributing?

How does this make you feel about him now?

I guess I would stop contributing financially, tell him your share is the lions share of child rearing and housework you already do. That the money you earn is going towards a property for you to buy.

So you lived rent free
And contributed to day to day costs
Made decisions about work vs childcare

It was his house
Still his house
You not married
No entitlement
Presumably the dc will inherit it eventually?

But yeh you get nothing

He owns the property outright via family money. He is a low earner which has been frustrating at times as I have not been able to claim for certain benefits etc but I haven't had to pay rent so that has been my decision.

Some brainstorm questions not requiring an actual answer on this forum.
Why is marriage not on the cards at the moment, is that a mutual feeling or just one of you and if so which one?
Is this one major point of ‘disagreement’ but otherwise your romantic relationship is working well?
Or are both of you or are least one of you already thinking that you might not age together (and if so is the other one aware of these thoughts)?

Are you able to pull a spreadsheet with analysis of:

• all your combined assets


• the monetary value each of you added over the time you’ve been together, estimate the monetary value if the value add wasn’t financial (e.g. looking after the children cost if you were working full time or your realistic forgone earnings if partner was looking after the children)


• what would be your combined assets if your parent didn’t own a mortgage free property; would you have bought something together and paid for together, how would your combined assets and finances look then? More assets less savings?


• etc…

Basically are you able to objectively illustrate why you feel you have a share. And then can you ask your partner how would he feel if he was in your position.

Equally, how would you feel if you were in your partner’s position. Is it possible that he is thinking that your heart is not in the relationship anymore and hence in his mind he is protecting his assets (in case of split up no need to sell the new property etc…). Or his heart is not in it and he doesn’t want to share his assets if he can avoid it…

There is a lot of variables.

Ideally you are able to illustrate, IN DETAIL, to each other why each of you feels about the assets you feel and go from there. And work on a solution together.

You don’t own his house irrespective of how long u been together
you part paying a tiny bit does not warrant you taking half of u was to split and I suspect that’s what he’s scared about
this is the second post, tbh sounds like u want the house but without having contributed anything monetary to buy it and if I was him I’d be mad
he didn’t force you to bring up his kids

Absurd comments from u. She is NOT being financially abused
she is not giving him a penny and he’s taking nothing from her
she has not paid a penny toward the mortgage
and she wants the house !

Nobody stopped you getting a job
I know people with 4 children all under 10 in nursery and primary school who work. Full time . This stay at home thing is nonsense . Universal credit pays up to 85 percent of child card costs
you could have worked you sound like he forced you . He didn’t . You chose this life

@Banana2079 Ignorant much?
I'm a front line worker.
I have financially contributed.
I was asking people's opinions on whether they think this situation in this day and age is unreasonable. You obviously think that it is unreasonable, fair enough.
I, however, do not need or want 'his' house. What I do want is the opportunity to be added to the house for a percentage reflective of what I will be paying.
Sheesh...Get a grip ladies!

What are you being a frontline worker got to do with anything? As much as you don’t like it it is his house. If you are going to be paying toward the mortgage On the next House Then you should discuss with him whether you should be living there or not as what that payment is -is rent , Unless he wants to add you to the house. If he does not want To add you to the house even though you’ll be paying towards the mortgage then I wouldn’t be living there as what you are doing his pain in rent and as the mother of his four children you shouldn’t be paying rent

If you are not going to be paying anything towards the new house then you really can’t expect for your name to be put on it if you have not contributed to it financially . You could have gotten a job And he could’ve stayed at home however your arrangement was that he went to work whilst you raise the children that doesn’t mean he has to give you share of the house unfortunately. However as I said if you are going to be paying towards a new mortgage and of course your name should be on that. If you want to split a Court would not give you half anyway as u would have only contributed a small amount

Also if your relationship is stable then why are you worrying about your name on the house ? and again if your relationship is stable why would you want your name on his house or either of you planning on leaving?

He owns the property outright via family money

"Family money" as in HIS family bought the house and gifted it to him or he purchased it with an inheritance? In which case neither of you has personally contributed to the purchase of the house as there was never a mortgage.

Or by 'family money' do you mean your combined household income was used to qualify for a mortgage but your name wasn't put on the paperwork and deeds? I don't even know how that could happen.

If the first, then you have never contributed to the 'ownership' of house itself, only the normal running costs and upkeep. As has he. The fact that you did more childcare, etc etc means nothing. That was a decision you made. You could have demanded 50/50 for household responsibilities, but you didn't.

If the second, and your income was included in getting the mortgage, then you should have insisted your name go on all the papers and deeds. If you didn't, that's on you, too.

The above is on the 'current' house. So no, I don't think you deserve an ownership interest in that house.

As far as going forward and the 'new' house, you will be living in the house and you should pay for your share of the monthly household running costs. But if there is going to be a mortgage on the new house, no I don't think you should pay towards that since you will derive no benefit from that house if it should be sold. If he wants you to pay a certain amount that he will then use towards HIS mortgage, then I'd insist on some percentage of ownership. It shouldn't be 50/50 since he'll presumably have the money from the 'old' house to put towards the 'new' house, but based on what your actual contribution would amount to.

If you will not be on the 'new' house papers and you want to stop paying for repairs, home insurance, or improvements that only benefit HIS home ownership, I'd say that's fair since you don't stand to benefit from repairs or improvements when/if the house is sold, either. And perhaps its time to insist on a fairer split of household duties to allow you to earn more so you can start saving for your own place or at least have a 'safety net' fund in case your relationship goes tits up.

Of course, if you tell him you aren't going to pay towards the mortgage, he could decide to start charging you rent.

“What I do want is the opportunity to be added to the house for a percentage reflective of what I will be paying”

well, you do have that opportunity, and the person who is denying you it is your DP

If there will be a mortgage on the new house and you will be contributing to that then yes fair enough you should be entitled to a % back should it be sold and you can get a contract drawn up for this but it sounds like it could be messy with how petulant your OH is. If he doesn't agree then the simplest way is to just remove any mortgage from the "joint bills" and he pays that solely by himself on top of his equal share of the rest of the bills and childcare. Tbh I would personally go for that (well I'd actually leave someone like him tbh if he expected me to pay with no legal right to any recompense) but each to their own - this would be the next most sensible thing and just invest in property yourself.