To think that my contributions to our family home count for anything?

[Greenlife1]

I know that I have few rights as per current legislation but am I being unreasonable to think I have earned a segment of our next family home (I'm talking in terms of ethical principles not legality)

Living with partner of 15 years and our 4 children. He is buying a house outright which will be paid for by selling the house we have lived in for 10 years and is also owned by him. I have worked and contributed to running the household for 15 years and have, of course, sacrificed career progression to support my family and his career, not to mention, I have also grafted on the current house, helping to increase its value and spent small amounts of money on it when I have been able to.

Partner thinks I'm ludicrous to even have these thoughts as I've not put in any big amounts of money. I had hoped I might be able to aim for a small mortgage on our next home that I could pay off myself to give me some security and to just feel like I have a place in the world that I have earned but he wants to own it outright.

Marriage not on cards right now for various reasons.

You are not being unreasonable at all.

Have been in the same position myself. I will never again trust anyone to do the right thing as Ex has a nice big house to himself and I have lifelong care of our SN child. People left to their own devices, can be selfish and horrible. Of course you should have half share of the home, in writing. You are a team. But he’s wanting his cake and wanting all the power because you as a woman brought up his kids. Pretty shameful.

You are the victim. As was I. It therefore isn’t your ‘fault’. Of course we should have married. But it’s still not our fault that we trusted human nature to be decent. All the blame is on your partner.

YABU. It’s not your house.
As pp have said, you’ve royally fucked yourself over.

@Begoniasforever you sound like her partner! Wow. Women really don’t support other women sometimes. HE chose to have a partner and HE chose to have kids too. All OP is asking for is fairness and equality in the relationship. Good for her for at least realising she’s worth more than being fobbed off by a selfish man. We should be supporting OP 100%.

I sense a lot of smug marrieds on this thread… you do know that some women aren’t as assertive about their own needs because of so many reasons, often not a great background. It’s pretty awful to tell the OP she’s the cause. HE is the cause. A bit more societal expectation that her partner should do the decent thing would go a long way. Instead you target the victim, her. Not great.

In what way is someone in this situation a victim?

It depends what was discussed about house ownership when you moved in together, or subsequently. Had you agreed what your input would mean in terms of assets?

Did you believe you'd be entitled to something OP?

@KosherDill the victim of sex inequalities, something that has dogged women for centuries… heard of it?

Sorry to hear op. As he doesn't owe you anything legally nor he is willing to share his assets voluntarily, I would start looking into your own finance. He could argue that you have been living in his place for free. No point of looking back at something you can't change. It's important to be financial independent in case relationship don't work out which happens alot.

But there’s a poster on the thread who’s written about her daughter who was on the other side in this, unmarried, owned the home, so the male partner in that case was able to be thrown out and get nothing, despite having been the one who paid for everything.

Sorry but you have made yourself AND your children extremely vulnerable here. Why did never ask for legal advice?

Everything is in his name.

I was waiting for the 'smug married' post.

Do you want everyone to shut up? Do you want women who might read this thread and who might be warned about exactly what is at stake to carry on making this mistake? To carry on ending up with no financial resources with which to look after their children? To end up like a pp who still ignorantly believes that there is such a thing as common law marriage? Just so that those who have made bad choices can carry on putting their fingers in their ears?

There is a societal expectation already. What the Law has done is to make that expectation have proper legal weight by giving women and children the option of the legal protection of marriage.

Get yourself married to him asap. I did a quick registry office wedding before dc1 was born. You need to protect your future.

@StillHappy I agree I have a friend who is treating her male partner badly imho, because they have two kids, he’s the lesser earner and looks after the kids more, but because she’s had a big inheritance she refuses to marry him and keeps her money to herself. However it’s usually women who are the brunt of this, as inequality is usually the woman who have less money and more childcare.

@Haffiana I want everyone to treat the OP with a bit of compassion and respect for her situation. Of course she feels that she should have married, I think she knows this. And her post is a warning in itself. However there is only one person at fault here, her partner! She has done nothing morally or ethically wrong. She is a decent human being. Her partner is being morally, ethically wrong and is not doing the decent or fair thing by her. Calling that out does help to make sure we as a society would frown on her partner, rather than her.

@CherryBlossomAutumn yes I've heard of sex inequality. The sex discrimination act was passed in 1975. Women are the architects of their own destiny. Legally one needs to be married to have the protection of the law. Contraception has been around for a long time. My mother screwed up big time vis a vis marriages. Think empire line gown in 1960. As a result of her experience, even the visit to the illegal abortions on which she bailed, she had a firm mantra:

Get engaged
Get married
Get pregnant

And the minute a man lays a finger on you in an unloving way, you leave.

What rent contribution/mortgage have you been paying?
If nothing you haven't a leg to stand on.

I'd be proposing! This is outrageous!

Women need to support other women.

Of course it’s good to be more aware of legalities. However that doesn’t mean that OP is the one at fault. She wasn’t even asking about legalities, but the morals.

Morally, he is in the wrong and she is in the right.

I do have every sympathy for you OP.

Best to get married asap. Ask yourself why your partner won’t marry the mother of his children to provide a secure future for his family?

If marriage is not possible is it time to buy your own home OP, even a buy to let one if necessary, on an interest only mortgage for now.?

As you have always known, sadly non financial contributions only count if you are married or a civil partner.

Very interesting opinions!

Very clued up on the legal side of the situation, hence highlighting that in my original post ;)

I will be working and saving to buy a property of my own. Obviously having young children has limited my working and saving capacity over the recent years. Ultimately, I can earn more than my partner but it didn't make sense to work more than part-time with childcare expenses and the fact that I would see the children less.

He owns the property outright via family money. He is a low earner which has been frustrating at times as I have not been able to claim for certain benefits etc but I haven't had to pay rent so that has been my decision.

I had hoped that I could arrange a mortgage on a portion of the new home rather than have to invest in a separate property as I don't really have an interest in being a landlord!

I think it's fair to say the majority think I am being unreasonable. Which is interesting ;)

I thought this. A friend of ours owns his own home and when he split up with partner of 15 years (unmarried, no civil partnership) she took him to court and he had to remortgage to pay her off. The sum was based on what she had contributed to the household and in bringing up the children. I also think you have rights if there are children. I’d get some advice pronto.

She presumably agreed to live with and have 4 kids with this person without getting married. She doesn't come across as being completely brainless. At what point do women need to take responsibility for their own choices?

OP, why can't you get married now?

You are the victim. As was I. It therefore isn’t your ‘fault’. Of course we should have married. But it’s still not our fault that we trusted human nature to be decent. All the blame is on your partner.

Yes, poor little women who can’t possibly think with their brains rather than their trusting hearts…
You are not children, you are grown women, responsible for your own lives, and who can think ahead to make adult decisions. You didn’t do so, then I’m afraid, yes of course you are in part to blame. Wise up. If we all just sit around waiting for men to become more ‘decent’ instead of taking some initiative then women’s circumstances will never improve.
So OP can wallow in her victimhood, or wake up and take responsibility for herself now and maybe challenge her partner on why marriage is ‘off the table’ and consider whether this guy is worth having in her currently very insecure future.

You are U to have put up with this over 4 kids, making sacrifices and not ensuring that things were fair for you; your p is VU for not wanting to share and put you on the mortgage. Doesn't sound like he sees u as partners.

Your p is morally wrong. Very wrong.