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AIBU?

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Original poster

to just stop doing it completely?

219 replies

PutTheLimeInTheCokeYouNut · 03/08/2022 12:07

This is laundry related - boring, I know, but I need to gauge whether I'm about to be petty or not.

I've had enough of this ongoing battle with DH. My 'rule' is that if clothes aren't in the laundry basket, they don't get washed. I also hate massive piles of dirty laundry accumulating on the bedroom floor.

I've told DH countless times over the years to please, please stop leaving your dirty pants and sweat soaked shirts and socks on our bedroom floor, it's disgusting and unnecessary.. when you take your work clothes off when you get home, just bring them down with you and pop them in the laundry basket, and I'll be more than happy to wash them with my next laundry load the following day and keep on top of everything as and when.

Does he listen? Of course he fucking doesn't.

Over the years, I used to get so pissed off of seeing huge piles of weeks worth of clothes in the bedroom, having to side step around it etc, that I'd eventually scoop it all up, take it to the basket and gradually wash it. But I refuse to touch the clothes anymore. It isn't my job to pick up after him like he's an incapable 2 year old.

My issue now though, is this. I've since told DH that I'll no longer be picking up after him, and if he lets a huge pile of clothes build up I'll no longer be taking it down to the washing basket.

Yesterday, he brought down at least 8 days worth of clothes and dumped it in front of the washing machine. In my opinion, moving a big pile from the floor in one room to dump it on the floor in a different room is no better.

Our washing machine is in our conservatory which is used as our DC's 'play room', meaning if he leaves clothes scattered all over the floor, their toys get all mixed up with it, and what's more, I don't want them treading all over dirty clothes.

As well as this, letting so much of his shit build up, means that I'll spend two days getting on top of his washing, while mine and the DC's gets left because the machine is being used to sort his stuff out, so then I end up massively behind on everyone else's washing!

Would I be unreasonable to just straight up stop washing his stuff?

This battle has been going on for almost 8 years and I've just about had enough.

OP posts:
Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 04/08/2022 09:57

Well if you won’t bag it and leave it for him to deal with it bag it and bin it, and a laundry basket doesn’t work, nor does talking to him, then I think you have three options.

  1. put up with it
  2. divorce
  3. do the same to him. Stop putting his dinner etc in front of him— stick it somewhere annoying like the bathroom, put his clean clothes away in the shed, tidy all his stuff away into the car etc etc. see how he likes his routines being belittled and ignored. When he asks why - tell him exactly why.
NaturalBae · 04/08/2022 10:07

It sounds like he’s leaving his clothes on the floor next to the laundry basket and in your bedroom just to annoy you.

8 years of this and you’ve already showed him the article about the dishes in the sink!
This would be a major issue for me.

Stop doing his laundry!

Snoredoeurve · 04/08/2022 10:13

Starseeking · 04/08/2022 09:54

You need to make peace with the fact that he's not going to do any of those things he should be doing as an adult member of the household. He's shown you he won't after 8 years. Even after you showing him the article, he still hasn't changed for the long-term.

He just doesn't care enough about doing these things, or about the fact that it bothers you. He really isn't fussed.

Yeah fuck that!
Make peace-my arse!

Sounds like he has zero respect for you Op.
Time for a serious think about your relationship

CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 04/08/2022 10:23

PutTheLimeInTheCokeYouNut · 04/08/2022 09:40

@CharlieAndTooManyCharacters because he wouldn't use a bedroom basket either! I've now said this so many times... we used to have a basket in the bedroom a few years ago, his clothes were still all over the floor.

Well he needs to stop being a lazy arse, put his clothes in the basket (not on the floor next to it) and so his own washing.

Unquestionably.

You are not his slave. And you wouldn’t it up with that crap from a child either (so there’s no ‘not his mum’ comparison there). He can choose not to follow your laundry system. He can opt out. But he needs to be considerate of your need for a bedroom not strewn with dirty clothes and compromise by using the bloody basket in the room.

NaturalBae · 04/08/2022 10:26

Does he know how to use the washing machine?

Has he ever done any laundry by himself?

CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 04/08/2022 10:27

And he should buy his own bloody basket too. That’s not beyond him.

There’s give and take and accommodating each other, and there’s taking the piss. He needs to sort himself out so that it’s the former.

I am shit with laundry. I leave clothes on my bedroom floor and don’t use the laundry basket (partly because if I take it downstairs, I’ll forget to bring it up again). I have ADHD. That’s fine because it’s my bedroom and it’s only me who is inconvenienced by this. When I lived with my H, I recognised that I had to make sure that I put my clothes in a laundry basket because he shouldn’t have to live with me not doing so. And if I didn’t do it, then the right response was to apologise for having left stuff on the floor rather than in the basket.

CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 04/08/2022 10:28

NaturalBae · 04/08/2022 10:26

Does he know how to use the washing machine?

Has he ever done any laundry by himself?

My 12 year old can use the washing machine. I only had to show him once.

A grown man can figure it out himself. He’s got Google. Someone will have made a YouTube video to talk him through it if it’s all too hard for him.

NaturalBae · 04/08/2022 10:30

Has he ever cooked a family meal?

Is he one of those useless men who have never changed any of their DC’s nappies?

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 04/08/2022 10:33

Stop doing it all for him op.

Stop cooking for him.
Stop washing his clothes.
Stop doing whatever else you do for him.

You're on strike from now. He does fuck all, you do fuck all. Change the WiFi password, change the passwords for all entertainment like Netflix, Amazon etc. Change everything. Hide anything he uses for entertainment while he does fuck all.

Treat him like a child since he can't act like an adult. He has privileges removed until he starts helping out.

Stravaig · 04/08/2022 10:33

I'd go for a laundry basket in the hallway or landing or bathroom. You need a central space where the children as well as you and DH can easily bring clothes out of their bedrooms. A basket downstairs by the machine works, but less convenient, so well done if you've got the kids trained up!

There's no way I'd share a bedroom with someone who leaves their dirty laundry strewn on the floor. Bedrooms are supposed to be a restful sanctuary, and while that may be laughable whilst tiny kids are wandering in and out trailing clutter, that's very different from the deliberate disrespect of a loutish DH.
If you have a spare room, kick him out to sleep there. And he should do his own laundry, of course.

Gatehouse77 · 04/08/2022 10:33

I've stated all along to my children (DH has never been an issue!) that if it's not in the laundry basket I'm not going looking for it.

If they dump a massive load on me it gets done at my pace.

If they're that bothered, do it yourself.

End of discussion. I'm known for being a bit stubborn 😜

Gatehouse77 · 04/08/2022 10:34

That said, the laundry basket is in a central place that everyone walks past daily so no excuses accepted.

misskatamari · 04/08/2022 10:36

This definitely sounds bigger than the laundry issue. How the hell does he think it's okay for you to do all the stuff you do and he doesn't lift a finger? He's taking the absolute piss!

Brefugee · 04/08/2022 10:36

do the same to him. Stop putting his dinner etc in front of him— stick it somewhere annoying like the bathroom, put his clean clothes away in the shed, tidy all his stuff away into the car etc etc. see how he likes his routines being belittled and ignored. When he asks why - tell him exactly why

I love this approach. Did it with my primary-aged DCs once when they borrowed something of mine (no issue) but left it in their bedroom (messy and i couldn't find it when i needed it, not ok). So i just started randomly "borrowing" their things then leaving them somewhere else and shrugged when they asked me. It took a while but it stopped.

EHopes · 04/08/2022 10:39

Stop washing his clothes.

From now on you wash your gear and you plan for each child to learn to wash their own, with the age you stop helping varying based on circumstances.

If you have a garage then move his dirty washing bag/receptacle out there.

JamTuesday · 04/08/2022 10:43

He's a lazy b-word. Stop doing his laundry.

RandomMess · 04/08/2022 11:25

Does he always come downstairs straight after getting changed? I would easily do something else in between and then forget to bring them down.

It does sound like he's just lazy and being entitled though.

GhostCastle · 04/08/2022 11:43

I wasn’t aiming the comment at you about not doing housework @PutTheLimeInTheCokeYouNut. It’s fairly obvious from your OP that you usually do the laundry. It was to people who don’t do the laundry if they are a SAHP. Apart from the washing up, I do the other jobs on your list. We have a dishwasher so no washing up. I cook every night during the week. Sometimes at the weekend if we aren’t eating out or having a ready meal/pizza. I wouldn’t like to be left washing up after cooking. It would make me feel like I was being used.

Nekomata · 04/08/2022 12:34

Have you ever watched Silence of the Lambs?

You could just keep repeating “It puts the laundry in the basket” to him over and over in a really annoying voice until he starts doing it. Or maybe make him a reward chart?

Starseeking · 04/08/2022 16:18

The thing is @Snoredoeurve, the OP's DH hasn't changed in 8 years. She's asked him to do differently numerous times and he has made no long-term adjustments, because he doesn't care to. He's not going to change, so OP either needs to accept that, or leave.

Snoredoeurve · 04/08/2022 17:38

Starseeking · 04/08/2022 16:18

The thing is @Snoredoeurve, the OP's DH hasn't changed in 8 years. She's asked him to do differently numerous times and he has made no long-term adjustments, because he doesn't care to. He's not going to change, so OP either needs to accept that, or leave.

Yes I know Confused
Your suggestion was to make peace with it.

ApplesandBunions · 04/08/2022 17:53

If he does do his own washing once or twice a month then I'd shove it in binbag/s to fester and leave them.

Starseeking · 04/08/2022 20:33

It didn't sound like the OP was planning on leaving her DH anytime soon, so make peace with it = accept it @Snoredoeurve

Ragwort · 04/08/2022 20:42

Why have you put up with this for eight years? And you have three DC under 5 so presumably you are having sex with this man? Why do women put up with such shocking treatment .. regardless of where you put the laundry basket I can't understand why you share a bed with this man? Hmm

feistymumma · 04/08/2022 21:21

phishy · 03/08/2022 12:21

Why are you doing his laundry in the first place? I have literally never washed my husband's clothes. He is more than capable of doing his own.

He also knows how many wears he wants to get out of a jumper or jeans.

I also hate anyone doing my laundry.

This! He is not a baby. Why do his laundry? Even my children do their own laundry and they are teenagers