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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to just stop doing it completely?

219 replies

PutTheLimeInTheCokeYouNut · 03/08/2022 12:07

This is laundry related - boring, I know, but I need to gauge whether I'm about to be petty or not.

I've had enough of this ongoing battle with DH. My 'rule' is that if clothes aren't in the laundry basket, they don't get washed. I also hate massive piles of dirty laundry accumulating on the bedroom floor.

I've told DH countless times over the years to please, please stop leaving your dirty pants and sweat soaked shirts and socks on our bedroom floor, it's disgusting and unnecessary.. when you take your work clothes off when you get home, just bring them down with you and pop them in the laundry basket, and I'll be more than happy to wash them with my next laundry load the following day and keep on top of everything as and when.

Does he listen? Of course he fucking doesn't.

Over the years, I used to get so pissed off of seeing huge piles of weeks worth of clothes in the bedroom, having to side step around it etc, that I'd eventually scoop it all up, take it to the basket and gradually wash it. But I refuse to touch the clothes anymore. It isn't my job to pick up after him like he's an incapable 2 year old.

My issue now though, is this. I've since told DH that I'll no longer be picking up after him, and if he lets a huge pile of clothes build up I'll no longer be taking it down to the washing basket.

Yesterday, he brought down at least 8 days worth of clothes and dumped it in front of the washing machine. In my opinion, moving a big pile from the floor in one room to dump it on the floor in a different room is no better.

Our washing machine is in our conservatory which is used as our DC's 'play room', meaning if he leaves clothes scattered all over the floor, their toys get all mixed up with it, and what's more, I don't want them treading all over dirty clothes.

As well as this, letting so much of his shit build up, means that I'll spend two days getting on top of his washing, while mine and the DC's gets left because the machine is being used to sort his stuff out, so then I end up massively behind on everyone else's washing!

Would I be unreasonable to just straight up stop washing his stuff?

This battle has been going on for almost 8 years and I've just about had enough.

OP posts:
Dipsy12 · 04/08/2022 03:52

PutTheLimeInTheCokeYouNut · 04/08/2022 00:17

Also regarding the location of our laundry basket - I simply don't like dirty clothes building up in our bedroom, basket or not.

We're a family of five, 3 very young DC's, the washing machine is on almost every day.

I like the bedroom to be chilled, relaxed, tidy. A slice of solitude at the end of the day. Some of you may be comfortable with having a dirty pile of knickers and pants and your DH's sweaty work shirts building up in a basket in the corner of your bedrooms, but I'm not.

I do 98% of our laundry. I'm capable of taking my daily laundry downstairs, as are my DC's who are still so young! Expecting an almost 40 year old man to take down 3 items per day after he's got changed at 5:30pm after work isn't a massive ask. And no, a bedroom basket won't solve my issues. Although it would prevent me from having to look at 8 day old crusty pants on the floor. So I guess there's that.

See now this is where you're losing me. Not saying he's not a dick (he is) but you sound overly rigid about imposing your "system"

Nekomata · 04/08/2022 05:58

See now this is where you're losing me. Not saying he's not a dick (he is) but you sound overly rigid about imposing your "system"

I think he has 2 choices: He can either just put his laundry in the basket the OP provided and she will do his laundry with the rest of the laundry or he can go out and buy his own basket to put in the bedroom and do it himself.

I don't really see why the OP should pander to him by getting him his own basket so he doesn't have to walk downstairs and put. his laundry in the basket like the rest of the family.

For what it's worth, now my Ex lives by himself, it turns out he is more than capable of doing laundry by himself, folding it, putting it away, etc. It's not that they can't do it, they just don't want to do it!

ElephantePicante · 04/08/2022 06:05

Why does it get to the stage where women have to ask if it'd be petty to stop doing something for their DP/DH when it's clear that they are seen as the household slave? Why can't they recognise this themselves? He is literally taking the piss out of you and yet you keep washing his clothes!!

ittakes2 · 04/08/2022 07:18

Put a laundry basket in your room.

SafelySoftly · 04/08/2022 07:21

Why would you possibly have 3 children with a man who treats you like this? Completely disrespectful.

olympicsrock · 04/08/2022 07:35

I think you are a bit overly rigid about not having worn clothes in a closed basket in your bedroom.
in our house the majority of things go in the laundry basket upstairs ( separate one in my bedroom for delicates and whites) and really dirty / sweaty things go straight to the utility room to be washed next.

I couldn’t be bothered having to take clothes downstairs every time I got undressed and nor can most people here . So YABU.

However there is no reason why DH can’t bring down the basket of his things and wash them once a week if he prefers it this way. I don’t really understand your gripe about a basket and carrying it down once a week.

CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 04/08/2022 07:42

I agree that you need to get over yourself about a basket in the bedroom. The fact is, the clothes are going to be in the bedroom regardless. So he should be allowed a laundry basket where it’s most convenient for him.

He needs to put his clothes in the basket. And do his own washing. Then it doesn’t matter where his laundry basket is because you don’t have to check what’s in it or do anything about it at all. You just have to accept it lives in the bedroom.

MrsOwainGlyndŵr · 04/08/2022 07:54

Why don't you have a laundry basket in the bedroom or on the landing?

a) that's what everyone else does
b) it's much easier

Strugglingtodomybest · 04/08/2022 08:01

Hey OP, I haven't read the thread so I'm going to really blow your mind now and suggest something that I'm sure no-one else, including you, has thought about.

How about putting a laundry basket in your room?

🤦

Seriously though, YANBU. Just stop. I did, and it worked a treat.

diddl · 04/08/2022 08:04

MrsOwainGlyndŵr · 04/08/2022 07:54

Why don't you have a laundry basket in the bedroom or on the landing?

a) that's what everyone else does
b) it's much easier

Much easier for whom?

If it's not easier for the person who is doing all of the washing then it isn't easier.

StEval · 04/08/2022 08:08

PutTheLimeInTheCokeYouNut · 03/08/2022 12:07

This is laundry related - boring, I know, but I need to gauge whether I'm about to be petty or not.

I've had enough of this ongoing battle with DH. My 'rule' is that if clothes aren't in the laundry basket, they don't get washed. I also hate massive piles of dirty laundry accumulating on the bedroom floor.

I've told DH countless times over the years to please, please stop leaving your dirty pants and sweat soaked shirts and socks on our bedroom floor, it's disgusting and unnecessary.. when you take your work clothes off when you get home, just bring them down with you and pop them in the laundry basket, and I'll be more than happy to wash them with my next laundry load the following day and keep on top of everything as and when.

Does he listen? Of course he fucking doesn't.

Over the years, I used to get so pissed off of seeing huge piles of weeks worth of clothes in the bedroom, having to side step around it etc, that I'd eventually scoop it all up, take it to the basket and gradually wash it. But I refuse to touch the clothes anymore. It isn't my job to pick up after him like he's an incapable 2 year old.

My issue now though, is this. I've since told DH that I'll no longer be picking up after him, and if he lets a huge pile of clothes build up I'll no longer be taking it down to the washing basket.

Yesterday, he brought down at least 8 days worth of clothes and dumped it in front of the washing machine. In my opinion, moving a big pile from the floor in one room to dump it on the floor in a different room is no better.

Our washing machine is in our conservatory which is used as our DC's 'play room', meaning if he leaves clothes scattered all over the floor, their toys get all mixed up with it, and what's more, I don't want them treading all over dirty clothes.

As well as this, letting so much of his shit build up, means that I'll spend two days getting on top of his washing, while mine and the DC's gets left because the machine is being used to sort his stuff out, so then I end up massively behind on everyone else's washing!

Would I be unreasonable to just straight up stop washing his stuff?

This battle has been going on for almost 8 years and I've just about had enough.

Nope.
I stopped doing my teen DS and DH laundry years ago.
Like you, zero when Im washing then a huge pile dumped later.
No thanks.
Strangely the huge piles stopped.
I do mine, DH his.
DS lives elsewhere now.
Also I have my own room
No dirty pants on the floor
Bliss

Starseeking · 04/08/2022 08:09

Send him this, and suggest it's a real possibility:

www.yourtango.com/2016285266/my-wife-divorced-me-because-left-dishes-by-sink

I left my EXDP for many reasons, one of which was that he seemed to think I was his servant.

xyzabchij · 04/08/2022 08:11

Why does everyone keep trying to get the op to solve her husbands laziness by buying him a basket? How hard is it to take the clothes you've just taken off and take them to the laundry.

Men don't realise how much this shit kills attraction and how much happier their partners are when they don't have to mother another adult.

crossstitchingnana · 04/08/2022 08:14

phishy · 03/08/2022 12:21

Why are you doing his laundry in the first place? I have literally never washed my husband's clothes. He is more than capable of doing his own.

He also knows how many wears he wants to get out of a jumper or jeans.

I also hate anyone doing my laundry.

I never understand people doing separate washing. What a waste of water etc. I do think that it shouldn't be one persons job though.

NoSquirrels · 04/08/2022 08:16

Why does everyone keep trying to get the op to solve her husbands laziness by buying him a basket? How hard is it to take the clothes you've just taken off and take them to the laundry.

Because her insistence that he brings his clothes down to the basket every day is causing friction - he won’t do it, even if a child can manage it, he won’t. He’s made that pretty clear over 8 years.

So even if she stops doing his laundry (and she should), he will continue to drip his clothes somewhere in the vicinity of the bedroom, and they will need storing until he washes them at his timetable. And they’ll be way less annoying in a laundry basket than a pile on the floor.

MermaidSwimming · 04/08/2022 08:24

I'm happy to do the family laundry including dh but I only ever wash what's in the basket. He often leaves stuff as side of bed but it stays there until he picks it up

magaluf1999 · 04/08/2022 08:25

I agree its a perfectly sensible system. But for whatever reason it doesnt work for him.

For the sake of your sanity i suggest you both compromise

Id locate a laundry basket in your bedroom. Cheap one for a few months. If he places stuff in basket it gets washed. If he doesn't it doesn't. You might end up with a tider bedroom but yes an extra step to your laundry routine. If he still doesnt learn to use it then i would relocate dirty washing to the bin/shed and when he cant find stuff say it stunk so you moved it.

rainbowstardrops · 04/08/2022 08:26

Not unreasonable at all to stop doing his washing (I haven't done my husband's for years) but from what you've said on here, it doesn't seem like he'll be that bothered.

I know you don't want a laundry basket in your bedroom but you can get lidded ones and that system might work better for your partner?

I'd make it crystal clear that ANY clothes on the floor would be going straight in the rubbish bin. And mean it.

CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 04/08/2022 08:27

diddl · 04/08/2022 08:04

Much easier for whom?

If it's not easier for the person who is doing all of the washing then it isn't easier.

Show quote history

Which is why he should be doing his own laundry.

she doesn’t even need to buy the bloody laundry basket (although I strongly suspect she will want to choose it and have particular requirements).

He needs a basket that lives where he wants to store his clothes between wearing and washing. And he needs to do his own laundry. If he’s shit at that, he’ll be the one without any clean clothes. 🤷🏻‍♀️

All the OP needs to do is be willing to compromise on having a basket in the bedroom.

GhostCastle · 04/08/2022 08:29

I’d put the basket upstairs. This is the most logical place to have it. If he doesn’t put his clothes in there, don’t wash them.
I don’t understand SAHP/part time workers not doing the laundry. Why not? I’d be pretty pissed off if I worked FT and my stay at home partner hadn’t done housework to help out. We work as a team in our house. Nothing to do with the 1950s.

CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 04/08/2022 08:30

NoSquirrels · 04/08/2022 08:16

Why does everyone keep trying to get the op to solve her husbands laziness by buying him a basket? How hard is it to take the clothes you've just taken off and take them to the laundry.

Because her insistence that he brings his clothes down to the basket every day is causing friction - he won’t do it, even if a child can manage it, he won’t. He’s made that pretty clear over 8 years.

So even if she stops doing his laundry (and she should), he will continue to drip his clothes somewhere in the vicinity of the bedroom, and they will need storing until he washes them at his timetable. And they’ll be way less annoying in a laundry basket than a pile on the floor.

She doesn’t need to buy it either. He’s got access to Amazon.

but I doubt she’ll be happy with his low effort Amazon choice.

sashh · 04/08/2022 08:30

Print this out and staple it to his head, well maybe not the staple bit.

www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Snoredoeurve · 04/08/2022 08:35

crossstitchingnana · 04/08/2022 08:14

I never understand people doing separate washing. What a waste of water etc. I do think that it shouldn't be one persons job though.

Show quote history

Its not if you have a modern machine, weighs laundry and uses appropriate water.
Also its not difficult for each person to just do their laundry when they have a full load.
I probably do 1 possibly 2 loads per week.
Its absolutely brilliant not to be lumbered with endless washing and " is my xyz dry yet"
No sorting etc

Snoredoeurve · 04/08/2022 08:37

We work as a team in our house. Nothing to do with the 1950s.

Clearly Ops DH doesnt work as a team though, he is an arse.

BakewellGin1 · 04/08/2022 08:38

I do all washing in our house as I don't do a separate wash per person. However all of us put dirty clothes into wash basket located in corner of the bathroom located downstairs. Personal choice I don't like wash baskets in bedrooms especially for damp towels, sweaty sports kits etc, however in OP case I would buy one in hope her DH would stop being a scruff and leaving his clothing scattered in piles.

I 100% would not do his washing at this point.