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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think adoption is not a fix all answer to not having biological children?

263 replies

StopSayingIt · 02/08/2022 10:53

Just want to preface this by saying I in absolutely no way mean that adopted children are loved any less, I understand that you can certainly feel exactly the same way about adopted children and biological children. That's not the point of this thread.

I have suffered from fertility issues myself for a long time, I do have children but it was a long long road involving various consultants, late stage losses, IVF clinics, genetic counsellors and on and on... Because of this I know quite a few people in similar circumstances through the various clinics I attended, Facebook groups and the like, I also have some close friends going through similar issues.

One thing I cannot stand when discussing this subject is the amount of people who suggest adoption as a fix all answer. "Have you looked into adoption?" It absolutely infuriates me and I think anyone who does it is frankly, a bit of an idiot.

Firstly, everyone knows about adoption, we don't need reminding that it exists.

But secondly and most importantly, I don't think it's fair or correct to state it as if it's some easy answer to infertility. Adoption is wonderful, my best friends daughter is adopted and I know she absolutely loves her daughter no less than her biological children but it's not easy either, it's not just a simple "fix" for having biological children, there have been lots of tough times, lovely times and challenges in its own right. She also hates people suggesting it in response to infertility and has said simply wanting children is not the same as going through the adoption process.

AIBU or is it a reasonable suggestion that couples suffering fertility issues "could just adopt"?

OP posts:
cherrypiepie · 02/08/2022 10:57

I agree and the adoption process in the UK looks horrendous.

I've not been able to have my own children and will not adopt.

Original poster
StopSayingIt · 02/08/2022 10:58

I've even had it said to me (before my DC) that if I wanted children that badly then why wouldn't it? Obviously couldn't want them that badly if I wouldn't adopt.

Like seriously?!

OP posts:
Ihatethenewlook · 02/08/2022 11:03

I think it depends on who said it and the way it was said tbh. Of course you don’t need to be told that adoption exists. But the person saying it may just be asking because they’re genuinely interested if it’s something you’d ever consider, not that it’s something that you SHOULD be considering if you can’t conceive naturally. Like someone asking if you’d consider IVF, or maybe even a sperm donor if your oh is infertile. I guess all questions can come across as very sensitive when it comes to infertility.

CounsellorTroi · 02/08/2022 11:03

Some people do think this simplistically. There are children who need homes and people who can’t have children, so put them together and voilà! Problem solved. In reality they are two different issues.

Ihatethenewlook · 02/08/2022 11:04

I think I meant insensitive rather than sensitive

Original poster
StopSayingIt · 02/08/2022 11:07

CounsellorTroi · 02/08/2022 11:03

Some people do think this simplistically. There are children who need homes and people who can’t have children, so put them together and voilà! Problem solved. In reality they are two different issues.

In reality they are two different issues.

Absolutely agree.

This is why I don't agree with the idea that it's the same as someone asking if you've considered IVF or a sperm donor.

Adopting a child and getting pregnant and having a child are two separate things imo. Adoption isn't just another means to have a child like IVF for example. There are very unique challenges to both but to lump them together as means to achieve the same goal is not on in my opinion.

OP posts:
NelStevHan · 02/08/2022 11:10

We’re a LGBTQ +’family, and had our own children. The number of people who have asked me over the years why we didn’t ‘just’ adopt!
they clearly have no idea of how hard it is to adopt, before you even thing about the long term implications.the people I know who have adopted children gave up years of their lives to it - not to mention one parent having to stop working.
I always gave the same answer - Why didn’t you?

Halstead · 02/08/2022 11:11

Parenting adopted children is (often) nothing like parenting birth children (not your own children, as a PP has termed it)

I have 2 adopted DC (who are both my own children).

I am very careful not to suggest adoption as a default response to people talking about struggling to have birth children - the two really are very different (a lot of the time).

Spanglemum · 02/08/2022 11:11

I'm both adopted and an adopter. The purpose of adoption is to find homes for children unable to live with birth family. It's not a 'solution' to infertility. It was the right decision for us but it's not for everyone. People just say the first thing that pops into their heads unfortunately.

NelStevHan · 02/08/2022 11:12

Except for the mum with 4 kids who told me she thought we were selfish for having a birth child when we could have given some poor little lamb a home by adopting, especially since our planet is so over populated- her I almost punched…

Davyjones · 02/08/2022 11:13

StopSayingIt · 02/08/2022 10:53

Just want to preface this by saying I in absolutely no way mean that adopted children are loved any less, I understand that you can certainly feel exactly the same way about adopted children and biological children. That's not the point of this thread.

I have suffered from fertility issues myself for a long time, I do have children but it was a long long road involving various consultants, late stage losses, IVF clinics, genetic counsellors and on and on... Because of this I know quite a few people in similar circumstances through the various clinics I attended, Facebook groups and the like, I also have some close friends going through similar issues.

One thing I cannot stand when discussing this subject is the amount of people who suggest adoption as a fix all answer. "Have you looked into adoption?" It absolutely infuriates me and I think anyone who does it is frankly, a bit of an idiot.

Firstly, everyone knows about adoption, we don't need reminding that it exists.

But secondly and most importantly, I don't think it's fair or correct to state it as if it's some easy answer to infertility. Adoption is wonderful, my best friends daughter is adopted and I know she absolutely loves her daughter no less than her biological children but it's not easy either, it's not just a simple "fix" for having biological children, there have been lots of tough times, lovely times and challenges in its own right. She also hates people suggesting it in response to infertility and has said simply wanting children is not the same as going through the adoption process.

AIBU or is it a reasonable suggestion that couples suffering fertility issues "could just adopt"?

Totally get you but you have to accept people will naturally try to find solutions for you

you can’t expect the world to just change and everyone suddenly stop saying annoying things, and you shouldn’t be getting upset at every interaction as it will marr your life

i would only discuss it with close friends or family who understood what not to say

Jalepenojello · 02/08/2022 11:15

I would never consider adoption a “solution” to infertility. Adopting a child is massive and goes far beyond someone’s desire to have a baby.

Juancornetto · 02/08/2022 11:16

@NelStevHan yes it's the "just" that always gets me! I have a friend who has two adopted children and though she's so aware of how lucky she is after struggling with infertility, adopting really wasn't an easy process. And no matter how rewarding parenting her beautiful children is, it comes with it's own challenges after their difficult early years.
Also the restrictions on who can adopt in this country mean that so many people who would like to will never be able to

Original poster
StopSayingIt · 02/08/2022 11:16

NelStevHan · 02/08/2022 11:12

Except for the mum with 4 kids who told me she thought we were selfish for having a birth child when we could have given some poor little lamb a home by adopting, especially since our planet is so over populated- her I almost punched…

Oh yes. Heard that one before. Selfish usually goes alongside 'children aren't a right' when discussing IVF too (typically from the person who never struggled to have their children).

Why would you go through all that when you could "just adopt" 😳

OP posts:
EL8888 · 02/08/2022 11:17

I totally agree, it's tone deaf and invalidating. It's not the same thing but people present it as the answer to all your problems. It's not but say it a fair bit

If our last cycle of IVF doesn’t work out then no chance of us adopting. We will have a nice child free life: indulgent holidays, lie ins, retiring a little earlier / cutting hours with the money we save from not having children etc. Not what we wanted but there you go

CounsellorTroi · 02/08/2022 11:17

Totally get you but you have to accept people will naturally try to find solutions for you

If people confide in you about fertility problems they are just unburdening. They are not asking you to find solutions. All you need to do is listen and be sympathetic.

EL8888 · 02/08/2022 11:18

@Davyjones it’s not a solution though. People just think it is

CurbsideProphet · 02/08/2022 11:18

I'm pregnant through IVF. Over the last couple of years I've seen quite a few occasions on mumsnet where someone naively asks if a poster has considered adoption. I assume that they have no concept of infertility / infertility treatment and have never needed to know what is / is not a sensitive or appropriate response to a woman going through it. I can feel quite jealous really that they get to be so ignorant of our pain and suffering.

Original poster
StopSayingIt · 02/08/2022 11:19

CounsellorTroi · 02/08/2022 11:17

Totally get you but you have to accept people will naturally try to find solutions for you

If people confide in you about fertility problems they are just unburdening. They are not asking you to find solutions. All you need to do is listen and be sympathetic.

100%. There would be no "solution" someone not going through fertility issues could magically come up with which I haven't already heard from my doctors or thought of myself anyway.

I understand people want to help and I understand you'll never stop every person saying stupid shit. But maybe even if just one person reads this and thinks they won't say this then great!

OP posts:
EL8888 · 02/08/2022 11:24

@CurbsideProphet all this. I would love to not be in this situation. Don’t even start me on the people who say “l know how you feel, it took us 6 months to conceive our 2nd child”. Meanwhile l am over 4 years into this and a few rounds of IVF in 🤷‍♀️. No child in sight, never mind 2!

CounsellorTroi · 02/08/2022 11:28

EL8888 · 02/08/2022 11:24

@CurbsideProphet all this. I would love to not be in this situation. Don’t even start me on the people who say “l know how you feel, it took us 6 months to conceive our 2nd child”. Meanwhile l am over 4 years into this and a few rounds of IVF in 🤷‍♀️. No child in sight, never mind 2!

Yes, nothing worse than people who have been trying for few months saying they are “struggling”. The medical definition of infertility is no pregnancy after 12 months of u protected sex,so anything up to a year is well within the bounds of normality.

Ihatethenewlook · 02/08/2022 11:29

StopSayingIt · 02/08/2022 11:07

In reality they are two different issues.

Absolutely agree.

This is why I don't agree with the idea that it's the same as someone asking if you've considered IVF or a sperm donor.

Adopting a child and getting pregnant and having a child are two separate things imo. Adoption isn't just another means to have a child like IVF for example. There are very unique challenges to both but to lump them together as means to achieve the same goal is not on in my opinion.

Show quote history

I get what you’re saying but different people clearly have different views on this. To me the difference isn’t getting pregnant vrs adopting. I think it’s more controversial to ask if you’d consider a sperm donor to get pregnant. It’s one thing a couple deciding to adopt a child that’s not biologically theirs, and another for a father for eg to have to let another man impregnate his wife as he’s infertile. As it is, it’s just a fact that a lot of people adopt because they are infertile, as having a child in their lives to raise is more important than how the child came into being. I do wonder about who all these people are that you’re telling your infertility woes to. It’s easy enough in theory to say they should just listen without feeling like they have to try and help fix you, that’s not really human nature though. I think it’s best to keep things to yourself if comments like these offend you, they’re coming from a well meaning place even if they’re coming out a bit backhanded.

CurbsideProphet · 02/08/2022 11:32

EL8888 · 02/08/2022 11:24

@CurbsideProphet all this. I would love to not be in this situation. Don’t even start me on the people who say “l know how you feel, it took us 6 months to conceive our 2nd child”. Meanwhile l am over 4 years into this and a few rounds of IVF in 🤷‍♀️. No child in sight, never mind 2!

@EL8888 my own sister has said repeatedly "oh I don't know anything about IVF" when asking me random qs about it. Use Google then! I don't want to be the IVF oracle 😟 Wish I could be so ignorant too.

CounsellorTroi · 02/08/2022 11:33

It’s easy enough in theory to say they should just listen without feeling like they have to try and help fix you, that’s not really human nature though.

Maybe not, but sympathetic listening is a great skill it would do no one any harm to learn.

pimlicoanna · 02/08/2022 11:33

I have children but get the rage every time I see a thread where someone suggests adoption where someone has fertility issues. It's so ignorant and unhelpful