To think adoption is not a fix all answer to not having biological children?

[StopSayingIt]

Just want to preface this by saying I in absolutely no way mean that adopted children are loved any less, I understand that you can certainly feel exactly the same way about adopted children and biological children. That's not the point of this thread.

I have suffered from fertility issues myself for a long time, I do have children but it was a long long road involving various consultants, late stage losses, IVF clinics, genetic counsellors and on and on... Because of this I know quite a few people in similar circumstances through the various clinics I attended, Facebook groups and the like, I also have some close friends going through similar issues.

One thing I cannot stand when discussing this subject is the amount of people who suggest adoption as a fix all answer. "Have you looked into adoption?" It absolutely infuriates me and I think anyone who does it is frankly, a bit of an idiot.

Firstly, everyone knows about adoption, we don't need reminding that it exists.

But secondly and most importantly, I don't think it's fair or correct to state it as if it's some easy answer to infertility. Adoption is wonderful, my best friends daughter is adopted and I know she absolutely loves her daughter no less than her biological children but it's not easy either, it's not just a simple "fix" for having biological children, there have been lots of tough times, lovely times and challenges in its own right. She also hates people suggesting it in response to infertility and has said simply wanting children is not the same as going through the adoption process.

AIBU or is it a reasonable suggestion that couples suffering fertility issues "could just adopt"?

I am 100% on your side. It is awful. People struggling to conceive (and people in general) are aware adoption exists and probably already questioned the possibility of adopting.

For me it's when people ask the question "have you thought about adoption"? Like they've suddenly come up with some magic solution to a problem for you and no one else has ever thought of it.

I just tell myself that people mean well, even if it's misplaced or insensitive.
I had one conversation with someone who asked me and I returned the question back to them and they said themselves that they had talked about adoption and might look into it later down the line when their children were a little older but that it's different to wanting to experience pregnancy and birth. I just said, "well there you go then... apples and pears".

Unfortunately too many people think it's like the American movies, that you pick a pregnant woman from a catalogue and get handed a newborn at the end and live happily ever after. They don't see that this is not the case at all and even adopting a baby (rare) is a huge challenge in itself for both parent and child.

YANBU.

People who are struggling to have children already know about adoption. They don't need well-meaning busybodies to minimise their pain by suggesting it.

If they're interested in adopting children, they'll look into it without any help from you.

I hear you OP! I’m infertile & have had this. I never considered adoption because I didn’t want ‘a’ child, I wanted my husbands child.

Tbf I’ve found a difference between those who do the throwaway “just adopt” and those who are genuinely asking if it’s an option you ever considered

@D0lphine people shouldn't have to hide talking about infertility though should they because others find the conversation difficult.

You've obviously noticed that you find the conversation hard - maybe you could look into how best to reply or comment on these sorts of things to someone going through such a difficult time, as maybe that's just the least you could do ? I think it's just about listening really and not fixing things.

People who say this are just very I’ll informed and need ignoring or educating

In my experience over last 30 years, all the parents I knew who adopted were taking on children with special needs. Some adopted babies and others toddlers.

What I saw was lots of promises made by local authority and adoption people to support parents in learning to deal with their child, only for that to become non existent nice papers were signed. Parents literally dropped in it with dealing with stuff like neurological disabilities, autism, and foetal alcohol syndrome etc.

I watched marriages break up, and most horrendously parents having to have child taken into care because they simply could not cope

There are very few babies for adoption that don’t come with special needs, and whilst there are older children for adoption who may not on paper have SEN they are going to come with all the emotional issues associate from being in care or with a parent who couldn’t cope or died in the earlier life.

adoptive parents these days need medals. It is extraordinary demanding . I could never have done that . You need to both be the sort of people who have flexible jobs, a natural resilience to stress, endless energy and patience and be prepared to be a carer potentially for dependant children until you die . Some
of these children may never live independently

it is not an option if you are infertile . It is an option only for those who have a vocation to adopt a child right from the get go.

Oh you’re not wrong.

When faced with awkward situations people often say daft things thought don’t they, when if they really thought about it they would realise adoption is not a solution to infertility.
it is a way to be a parent - it is not a way to solve infertility.

So some people are just dense and ignorant and some people just don’t know what to say or don’t critically analyse their thoughts or opinions before saying them out loud.

Also and I don’t know if anyone has said this up thread but having biological children after an infertility journey doesn’t make all of those years of struggle just disappear either.
yes of course when you have your own child after years of pain and struggle, it’s wonderful, it’s everything and more. But you still went through the pain to get there.
Does it make it all worth it - probably yes but it doesn’t mean that it didn’t happen.

I guess this is similar (although I appreciate very also very different) to the assumption that if you adopt, your infertility no longer counts and your pain and feelings around it have gone.

I have had fertility issues and I agree. It isn’t a solution. But neither is fertility treatment in many cases it just prolongs suffering as success rates are low.

I think the only realistic ‘fix’ to fertility issues it first for it to be taught from secondary level that fertility issues do exist, can happen to anyone and fertility treatment isn’t a cure all so we’re better prepared for the possibility it could happen early.

that not everyone can or should and for some of us its just not possible ever.

YANBU, some people say/think really stupid things.

I always knew I wanted to kids, I would have tried any way I could of having them, would have gone it alone, adopted, or tried to. Doesn't mean I wanted children any more than my friend who always wanted DC but needed that to be biological DC within a traditional family set up. I know she would have been devastated not to have children, just like me. I know how much she wanted them, just different things were right for each of us. happy. People can't compare grief against grief as if it's only deserving if you've tried everything.

I don’t think adoption is a wonderful thing. I see it as an imperfect solution to a very difficult situation. Not to take away from the work adopters do but adoption always starts with a trauma for the child somewhere and I struggle with the idea of gotcha days and adopters being saviours etc although I appreciate a lot of that is the US culture around adoption.

I agree with the poster that says infertility and children needing homes are two very different problems and are not necessarily the solution to each other.

@Plumtreebob

I don't know any adopter who thinks they are 'saviours' Gotcha days is American, never heard of it the UK

@Ted27 - I specifically said I knew that was more US culture but I have seen it here too.

I have always spoken about adoption a lot as I have two close people in my life who were adopted; my mother and my best friend. I remember speaking to my friends parents a few years ago who said it was hard to do in the 80s. Now I think it's extremely difficult to adopt a child. It's sad that people bandy around 'just adopt' as if it is really simple and viable for everyone.

If I had not been able to have DD, I would have wanted to adopt, possibly because it's always been around my life. DP said he wouldn't have wanted to. Not everyone who is unable to have children will want to adopt. Adoption and fertility are different issues, not different sides of the same coin.

I think most people don't realise how difficult adoption is.

Great these type of threads make people who are adopted (like me) feel fantastic

Spot on @Headbandheart . In the past six years I’ve had to watch (and support) a friend who was dealing with all kinds of behavioural problems after adopting a child as a single woman. She is kind, solvent, confident and works with children - she couldn’t be more perfect. But thanks to social services handing over a child who was seriously disturbed and telling her that the child had just been removed due to “neglect” she is a shadow of who she was. Despite the support of her friends, family, medical and educational professionals the adoption failed and she feels such a failure that she’s had to take time off work and gone on anti depressants.

Most kids who are taken into care these days need help. Gone are the days when you could just get a newborn from an unwed mother. Adoption is not the last option, as a previous poster put it, but from what I’ve seen it’s absolutely the hardest.

Obviously 'just adopt' is crass as it's not a simple process.
But all the adopters I know did so because they were unable to have biological children - I think some posters are being a bit disingenuous about the link.

Infertile people/couples will always be a proportion of adopters, because it is a way to have a family despite the complications, and it's usually better for the children to have a stable home and family. But it's very far from being either a default or a simple solution. Nobody with personal experience of adoption is likely to say anything so unthinking.

I think in these situations you are well to have a polite (or otherwise) brush off prepared. "I prefer not to talk about it" etc. Unfortunately it's obvious whether or not you have children and nosy questions soon follow if you don't.

My friend (male) who is married to a man recently adopted. Process took two years, the first stage they said there were in training courses with 5 other couples, by the end (about a year later) they had heard most of those couples had withdrawn.

They heard from another couple that its hard for heterosexual couples struggling to conceive to adopt, they alluded this was due to worries they at a later point would conceive which would change their minds on adoption, apparently they had far more barriers to adoption than the others.

I get that saying "just" adopt is insulting, as though it's an easy thing to do. But it does seem to be a potential solution for infertility so i can understand people suggesting it. I know three couples who have adopted of whom two tried unsuccessfully to have a biological child first. A fourth friend made a comment during her second IVF cycle that if it was not successful they'd try adoption instead. For many couples it is the next step in the journey if things don't work out the way they'd planned.

Just say nothing really.

But it does seem to be a potential solution for infertility so i can understand people suggesting it.

Adoption is a potential solution for children in care. It is not a solution to infertility. Adoption agencies do not see their role as supplying children to would-be parents, but to find homes for children in care. That’s how it should be.

In my experience over last 30 years, all the parents I knew who adopted were taking on children with special needs. Some adopted babies and others toddlers

This is definitely not always the case, although it isn't uncommon. I adopted three unrelated babies. Two were perfect healthy babies with no issues at all in the background, the other had a family history which may have caused inherited problems as an adult . The local authority couldn't have been more open with us, they subpoenaed the medical records of the parents for that child and sent them to an expert who analysed all the information and gave us the probabilities and any information we wanted.

Also and I don’t know if anyone has said this up thread but having biological children after an infertility journey doesn’t make all of those years of struggle just disappear either.

Neither does adopting a child. Someone I know who adopted told me they still feel sad about missing out on pregnancy, breastfeeding etc.