To think adoption is not a fix all answer to not having biological children?

[StopSayingIt]

Just want to preface this by saying I in absolutely no way mean that adopted children are loved any less, I understand that you can certainly feel exactly the same way about adopted children and biological children. That's not the point of this thread.

I have suffered from fertility issues myself for a long time, I do have children but it was a long long road involving various consultants, late stage losses, IVF clinics, genetic counsellors and on and on... Because of this I know quite a few people in similar circumstances through the various clinics I attended, Facebook groups and the like, I also have some close friends going through similar issues.

One thing I cannot stand when discussing this subject is the amount of people who suggest adoption as a fix all answer. "Have you looked into adoption?" It absolutely infuriates me and I think anyone who does it is frankly, a bit of an idiot.

Firstly, everyone knows about adoption, we don't need reminding that it exists.

But secondly and most importantly, I don't think it's fair or correct to state it as if it's some easy answer to infertility. Adoption is wonderful, my best friends daughter is adopted and I know she absolutely loves her daughter no less than her biological children but it's not easy either, it's not just a simple "fix" for having biological children, there have been lots of tough times, lovely times and challenges in its own right. She also hates people suggesting it in response to infertility and has said simply wanting children is not the same as going through the adoption process.

AIBU or is it a reasonable suggestion that couples suffering fertility issues "could just adopt"?

I never think of myself as a "saviour" and none of the other adoptive parents I know think of themselves like that either. I didn't even bother going down the fertility treatment route, as soon as I knew for definite we couldn't conceive the usual way, we started the adoption process. In fact, I actually had it from the opposite angle, "well meaning" people asked me why I wasn't trying IVF or IUI first. My cousin tried to explain in great detail to me what happened during these procedures and kept saying "you might not have to adopt" as if it was something to avoid if at all possible. I found myself having to justify why I wanted to go straight to adoption, why I wasn't going to do everything possible to have my "own" child. Well, I got my "own" child. A gorgeous little 3 year old boy who was desperate for loving parents. I've sat at a playgroup with him and had to listen to another mother tell me of her struggle to conceive her son and how they too had "thought about adoption if everything else failed" but thankfully she'd conceived naturally in the end and hadn't had to "resort" to adoption. Infertility hurts across the board, whether you are trying to adopt or trying to conceive through fertility treatment and, similar to a bereavement, lots of people just don't know what to say to you and through their own ignorance, come out with stupid and upsetting comments.

If I hadn't managed to be successful with IVF I wouldn't have adopted as I wanted to experience pregnancy etc and have one that I was genetically related to. I would have settled with lots of cats instead.

I think people will suggest adoption as an option to you as you state trying to have kids has involved "long long road involving various consultants, late stage losses, IVF clinics, genetic counsellors and on and on..."
People dont want to see you suffer id say. Like why put your body and mind and relationship through all of that when your body is clearly not agreeing. It is almost like self torture in a way.

I know biológica kids are not the same as adopting one. But if having a kid would be the only goal: then adoption would be a very good alternative.

But most people wouldnt consider adopting as they want a mini me /genetic offspring where they can see their own features and characteristics in. And thats why they continue on the long and harsh road of ivf /treatments etc.

Although it's absolutely how it should be for adoption agencies, presumably adopters without biological children/the ability to conceive naturally vastly outweigh those with?

I think people will suggest adoption as an option to you as you state trying to have kids has involved "long long road involving various consultants, late stage losses, IVF clinics, genetic counsellors and on and on..."
People dont want to see you suffer id say. Like why put your body and mind and relationship through all of that when your body is clearly not agreeing. It is almost like self torture in a way.

If people don’t want to see you suffer, then if they k ew anything at all about the adoption process they wouldn’t suggest that either. It can be brutal. That’s why often people don’t’want to do it when they’ve already been through many years of unsuccessful fertility treatments.

I completely hear you OP.

I have had this said to me numerous times.

Yes I understand if I adopted I would have a child that I long for. However - I long for my biological child which is a very different longing than for any child. This is absolutely not meant to cause any offence whatsoever.

I would potentially consider adoption in the future but not as a replacement for my own biological child. Adopting a child will not cure my infertility or my longing for a child that is biologically mine and my husbands. Adoption is not the solution to the medical diagnosis of infertility.

Sending you love x

Children adopted internationally are often, for all intents and purposes, sold. They are trafficked children. I have some family members who adopted children from China and from a couple of different countries in Africa and they and their "adoption community" are fundamentalist christian, entitled, awful people. They collect children like trophies. There are exceptions to the ethical issues with international adoption - the orphans left behind by Ceaușescu's regime of forced birth in Romania come to mind - but in general, international adoption is a criminal enterprise.

So that leaves domestic adoption, which is ethical in only two very specific situations:

-a voluntary surrender by parents and extended family including grandparents/aunts/uncles, and only after every conceivable charitable and governmental assistance option to the birth parents and their immediate family to raise the baby themselves has been offered and rejected. This would cut out 99% of voluntary surrender adoptions, but for those that still happen, every effort should still be made to keep the baby in her original community with the ability to know and spend time with as many members of her birth family as she can and wants to see as she grows up.

-involuntary surrender, when a parent or parents have their parental rights severed by the courts. And again, the first option should always be adoption within the child's own family and community, with any required charitable or financial support, and every opportunity to know and spend time with her community and biological family as far as it is safe to do so.

I think the UK, most adoptions are due to involuntary surrender. Still sad, and even then sometimes preventable with early intervention, but I understand that it is needed in many cases. In the US, however, it's a very different story. Many young women are bullied, manipulated, and browbeaten by religious institutions and desperate potential adoptive parents into giving up children they would love to raise themselves, and who they COULD raise themselves, if they were only given support. Giving up a baby is a horrific trauma and birth mothers almost always regret it.

So no, adoption is not a solution for infertility. It should be a last resort in very specific situations, and it should be the FIRST choice of adoptive parents - not a consolation prize for the infertile. No one is owed a child.

I agree OP and I often feel like infertile couples are almost vilified for going through IVF trying to have their own biological children instead of adopting. As if all the children who don't have families are somehow the responsibility of the infertile instead of society as a whole. Plus I think it's unfair on those children needing adoption to be considered the solution to an infertile couple. It's a very different route to building a family, equally important and valid but one should not be considered automatic plan B if you find you're infertile.

Totally agree.

I'm adopted myself, but if I hadn't been able to conceive, there is no way in the world I would have adopted. I would have remained childless.

@D0lphine you say "that sounds really hard. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm sorry I don't have a solution for you, but I can always listen if you need someone to talk to, or go for a walk if you want to get out of the house and don't want to be alone."

If a friend told me they had cancer or other health diagnosis I would say something like the above. A friend doesn't need you to give empty suggestions, they really just need to know that you're there for them and acknowledge their sadness / anger / frustration / fear.

One of my friends used to message me every week "just checking in so you know I'm thinking of you" for months. I didn't have to reply, I just knew she was there is I needed her.

I can see you point OP but it's a bleak situation if you can't have kids.

People are doing their best not to stick the knife in. Realistically what would you like to hear?

Its like a friend phoning you upset you would do your best to console... but you don't have a magic wand to solve whatever is going on.

Hard disagree.

I'm adopted but I completely understand why some people don't want to do it.

It's a hard pill to swallow but there we go. That's life.

I personally wouldn't want to bring up children who are not biologically related to me. I know my adoptive parents would have rather had biological children, but life isn't fair.

I don't even bristle at terminology like "my own children" and "real parents". That's just the reality of how a lot of people see it.

I think that often people find infertility an uncomfortable subject as reveals a lot about a person and can indicate that they have experienced a loss. In this situation often, well meaning, people try to suggest a solution to make themselves more comfortable and adoption feels like an ‘easy solution’. I speak as someone who has experienced infertility and has adopted.

More than anything, I think adopted children deserve parents who actively want to adopt, and parents who are in a place to offer the unique support that an adopted child may need.

Adopted children aren't just a consolation prize you get if you couldn't have children of your own. They're human beings with needs and issues of their own.

Infertility can be traumatic, and being adopted can be traumatic too. A traumatised couple should not use a traumatised child as a plaster to stick over their wound.

I know two adopted people. One is a close friend, and for her her adopted family are 100% her real family, and she has no desire to find out anything about her biological family at all.

The other, despite loving her adopted mum deeply, does not regard her as her real mum. She yearns for her biological mother. She has gotten in touch with her biological family and regularly sees them. Thankfully, her mother (who is the person I am actually friends with in this scenario) did not adopt her as a replacement for a biological child - she adores her equally to her biological children, but she knows the relationship is different and she is actually over the moon that her adopted daughter is finding comfort and healing in being able to connect with her biological family. She wants what is best for her daughter and does all she can to support her in every way. She's an amazing parent, to be honest. They're very close and they always will be, I'm sure.

I think everyone who adopts a child needs to be prepared for such a scenario.

In the UK adoption generally involves children from terrible situations eg trauma, neglect, substance abuse, emotional damage etc.

A significant proportion of adoptions fail. Another noticeable proportion will have foetal alcohol syndrome or other disabilities associated with drug use in pregnancy. Lots will have deep seated attachment disorders.

It's completely incomparable with raising biological children.

I have no doubt there probably is a proportion of adopters that are infertile and have perhaps only gone on to adopt for this reason. But I still don't think the two are separate things and one doesn't automatically equal the other. You can desperately want to be a parent but feel adoption isn't for you because, as PPs have said, it does often come with its own unique challenges. It's not as simple as 'oh you want to be a parent? Just adopt then'.

And, as per my first point in the OP, do people think those suffering with fertility issues don't know about adoption? We do. But it's not a magic wand.

I think if someone is talking to you about fertility issues, they aren't looking for you to provide them with a solution. You likely couldn't even if you tried. The only time I think this could possibly be relevant is discussing medical conditions with those who've gone through the same thing and discussing different treatments that have worked for them. But no one discussing fertility issues with someone who's never experienced them is looking for a magic solution. Just listen and sympathise. It is a hard conversation, I get that.

But I still DO think, not don't!

OP I understand what you mean. Personally, when children didn't come naturally we pursued adoption and did not do IVF. I would STILL never suggest it lightly as a simple fix. I believe that is a disservice to people suffering infertility and also, more importantly, to adoptees.

In fairness, it's a comment borne out of ignorance and awkwardness. People honestly have trouble believing that bad things can happen to people that don't have easy fixes. It's a self-protection mechanism.

We have adopted and love our son, who I think is genuinely the best ever. But it is a different journey. Even though he doesn't have a very challenging background (by UK adoption standards) as his parent I have to be prepared to guide and support him through the complex emotional and identity issues he will may navigate as he grows older as an adoptee. I have to be emotionally ok myself with the fact others have been his mummy before me and that he may seek out and form attachments to his first mum. I am not complaining - I love being his parent and it's worth it 100%. But it's something not to go into lightly, for the sake of the child, and I don't like it being suggested lightly.

Children in the care system deserve loving families. It may be different to having birth children but it's not inferior which some of these posts imply.

Plenty of people disagree with assisted conception in particular use of surrogates. I personally haven't adopted but very close friends did without trying ivf because they had a strong belief in giving children a home. It might not be right for you but there's a running theme through this thread that biology is everything

People also don't comprehend the level of intrusion and scrutiny, and uncertainty, that is involved in the early adoption process.

@gogohmm Well said

@gogohmm I get what you are saying. For us, we did not want to pursue IVF according to our beliefs. Separately - we also felt that adoption could be a way we serve a vulnerable child (a conclusion option to fertile people too!! ) and, more importantly, we were excited about being parents.

But even if biology isn't everything for us as parents - it is still VERY significant to the child. Both in terms of their right to their biological heritage, identity and family (a loss that as a parent you have to support them through, and be prepared for them to remake bonds with their bio family) and also in terms of the impact their biology and prenatal environment has on the challenges they will face (e.g. and commonly - substance abuse before/during pregnancy).

There is a balance that maybe you feel is missing in this thread but it's a counterweight to the frankly naive way adoption is often portrayed.

It might not be right for you but there's a running theme through this thread that biology is everything

I don't personally see it. I don't think there is anything wrong with saying that wanting children but not being able to have them doesn't automatically mean you'd be open to adoption and I don't think "biology is everything" but I also won't be guilted for wanting biological children either or feeling like adoption if that couldn't happen, wouldn't have been for me.

That's not to say that adoptive parents don't feel the same way about their children as biological parents, I'm not saying that in the slightest. But I do think simply wanting children isn't the same as being prepared to adopt a child and the potential challenges which could come with that. You could want one but not feel able to do the other and the latter is not simply a solution to being unable to have biological children.

I’m curious as to why you say this?

People are doing their best not to stick the knife in. Realistically what would you like to hear?

Just that they are there if you need to talk. That's all anyone needs to say.

Its like a friend phoning you upset you would do your best to console... but you don't have a magic wand to solve whatever is going on.

No one is expecting a magic wand, you can't fix the situation, no one is expecting you to. Not strictly comparable obviously but if a friend phoned me to talk about her husband dying I wouldn't suggest 'have you thought about online dating?' and yet when my baby died people seem to think it's appropriate to ask me about adoption as if it would solve everything. It doesn't, I didn't want people to solve it, they couldn't have.