To think adoption is not a fix all answer to not having biological children?

[StopSayingIt]

Just want to preface this by saying I in absolutely no way mean that adopted children are loved any less, I understand that you can certainly feel exactly the same way about adopted children and biological children. That's not the point of this thread.

I have suffered from fertility issues myself for a long time, I do have children but it was a long long road involving various consultants, late stage losses, IVF clinics, genetic counsellors and on and on... Because of this I know quite a few people in similar circumstances through the various clinics I attended, Facebook groups and the like, I also have some close friends going through similar issues.

One thing I cannot stand when discussing this subject is the amount of people who suggest adoption as a fix all answer. "Have you looked into adoption?" It absolutely infuriates me and I think anyone who does it is frankly, a bit of an idiot.

Firstly, everyone knows about adoption, we don't need reminding that it exists.

But secondly and most importantly, I don't think it's fair or correct to state it as if it's some easy answer to infertility. Adoption is wonderful, my best friends daughter is adopted and I know she absolutely loves her daughter no less than her biological children but it's not easy either, it's not just a simple "fix" for having biological children, there have been lots of tough times, lovely times and challenges in its own right. She also hates people suggesting it in response to infertility and has said simply wanting children is not the same as going through the adoption process.

AIBU or is it a reasonable suggestion that couples suffering fertility issues "could just adopt"?

Would you mind sharing why parenting adopted children is nothing like parenting birth children? Does it stem from trauma that the children may have faced in their birth families? Does it depend on the age that the children were adopted?

I do wonder about who all these people are that you’re telling your infertility woes to

It's not because I'm telling my 'fertility woes' to every Tom, Dick and Harry. This is a common theme I've seen on here, on the group's I'm in, that my friends have experienced and yes, that I've also experienced myself, it's not just from my own personal experience because I've told that many people about my issues. It's incredibly common.

It’s hurtful as it undermines your right to be down about your infertility struggles. Less of your moaning, you could always adopt!

@CurbsideProphet yes, yes, yes to this!
My DD is a result of IVF and I know this jealousy feeling. You are basically sitting and thinking: You don’t know how lucky you are because you absolutely have no idea how it feels!
No adoption is not the answer to infertility. I agree that it’s two different issues.

Unfortunately there is alot of ignorance around adoption.

Yanbu. I have a close friend who could not have children. She and her husband decided against adoption for their own reasons. Even now, in her fifties, people she barely knows thinks this is an appropriate topic of conversation. I genuinely despair.

@CbaThinkingOfAUsername

Most adopted children will have some level of additional need, some very complex
The effect of neglect and abuse can be life changing and long lasting, even for new born.
The effect of alcohol, drugs, malnourishment, domestic violence.
Some children will have been physically, sexually or emotionally abused. Then there is the genetic inheritances to consider.
Adoption doesn't make all that go away.

I'm 31 and awaiting a total hysterectomy for endometrial cancer. If I hear from one more person ' you can always adopt' I think I might spontaneously combust. I don't want to adopt. I don't want social workers intruding into my life. I don't want to be written off because I'm single and there's a chance the cancer could come back. Or because I have ADHD.

Adoption is a wonderful thing and has the potential to be amazing for both children and their new parents. But it isn't for everyone and not all of us are up for the challenges that come with it.

Given adoption can be a grueling process for all the parties concerned throughout the entire life of the adoption and beyond, it's not an easy or appropriate answer in the majority of circumstances.

@NelStevHan We’re a queer couple, just like every adopter we also had our own children.

I think it depends, at our adoption group every straight couple adopted due to infertility, some had tried IVF and it didn’t work, others didn’t want to try IVF due to health risks making it unsuitable for them. There was also a queer couple (two women) who hadn’t had success with IVF.

If you know someone quite well and you have experience of adoption it is a realistic suggestion. Most people originally discount it because they know nothing about the process, they know nothing about parenting an adopted child etc. Its an unknown, so its scary, so too many people discount it forever without actually even attending a first session, talking to adopters etc. Any suggestion to someone you don’t know is odd, be that suggesting adoption or something IVF related.

Adoption gave me the child I could not give birth to myself. Without adoption, I would never have become a mother. It hasn't always been easy but then again, a birth child may also not have been easy. There are no guarantees with anything. I was desperate to become a mother and my son desperately needed a mother. I would never suggest adoption to anyone, but would happily discuss it with them if they approached me. I think adoption is looked down on and only considered as a last ditch option, which I find very sad.

Agreed. There is also an extremely high probability that adopted children will have additional needs linked to attachment etc. These often aren’t evident at first, but can become really challenging. I know two sets of parents who adopted. Both are having a complete nightmare with children they thought were neurotypical, now diagnosed with attachment disorder, ADHD, FASD, ODD etc.

YANBU

In fact, prospective adopters are not permitted to adopt if it is thought that they are doing so as a result of a recent infertility diagnosis. They need time to come to terms with it first before being considered.

I do agree adoption can be a wonderful thing. But equally people are entitled not to want to adopt, without needing to justify their decision and without being judged for it.

Another thing that gets my goat “I know someone who adopted and you know what? She got pregnant not long after.”

If you're discussing fertility issues frankly sometimes it's hard to know what to say.

People are probably just trying to say something relevant / be supportive.

After you've said "I'm so sorry that must be really hard" seriously what else are you supposed to say??

It's such a difficult issue that it would be impossible for people to get it right all the time so give people a break!

@D0lphine often it’s not a discussion though, people decide to take it on themselves to “educate” you. Ironic as they usually know very little about the topic. I try to avoid discussions with people about my fertility issues as it’s usually pointless

Adoption is sometimes mentioned here as a thing you can just decide to do, ignoring the very difficult approval process and that some people might be ruled out completely due to past issues.

YANBU, it's usually trotted out by people who have no experience of fertility problems.

Adoption is not a simple process at all and some people want their own biological child not someone else's. Adoption shouldn't be a consolation prize, it should be something someone wants to do not feels like they have to do.

I just never know what to say and I'm constantly worried about saying the wrong thing.

I get some people might mansplain to you but surely most people are trying to be nice and supportive.

If you don't want to receive such comments could you just not discuss infertility? Except with people you know are supportive?

@D0lphine
After you've said "I'm so sorry that must be really hard" seriously what else are you supposed to say??

How about; nothing?! Leave it at that.* *

YANBU I agree.

It's not the job of infertile couples to adopt children in the care system.

@D0lphine people shouldn't have to hide infertility though. Even people who are supportive and close to you come out with stupid shit a lot of the time.

After 11 increasingly desperate years of infertility, we adopted. Yes the process was intrusive but after nine years of drugs, surgeries, gift, ivf etc we were used to having no part of our lives that wasn't subject to some kind of scrutiny.

Maybe we were lucky but having gone through the process three times we came away with three children who we wouldn't swap for the world. Initially I belonged to adoption groups but in the end I found that any problems I was having were more easily solved by talking to other mothers at the school gates because they were due to the child's age and not the fact that they were adopted. That was possibly because they were very young when we had them. DS1 was 4 weeks; DS2 12 months and DD 4 months.

For me adoption was the solution to infertility because what I wanted was to be a mother, my children always knew they were adopted because I told them in the form of a story long before they could understand.

If people talk to me about fertility problems, I usually mention that we adopted due to infertility, not because I think it solves every problem but just to let them know that I am available to talk through our experiences if they wish. When we were ttc I didn't know anyone who had adopted, just people who had succeeded in getting pregnant or who had decided to stop trying. I would have liked to talk to someone with a different experience.

I never minded people suggesting adoption to us. What I really hated was the people who told me that they had no problem in conceiving, when I remembered them having hysterics every month for two years while ttc.

There are insensitive people about many aspects in life - if they are not experiencing it themselves they just cannot understand.
I lost my husband suddenly when my kids were very young. I had a few women actually say: oh I know what it's like my husband works away during the week.
Conversely: you are so strong I couldn't cope if that happened to me.
Both are ridiculous statements.
And I married at 40 - how many times through the years was I told I 'needed to find a husband' or 'you better get moving if you want kids'. As if I could order a husband off Amazon!