To think adoption is not a fix all answer to not having biological children?

[StopSayingIt]

Just want to preface this by saying I in absolutely no way mean that adopted children are loved any less, I understand that you can certainly feel exactly the same way about adopted children and biological children. That's not the point of this thread.

I have suffered from fertility issues myself for a long time, I do have children but it was a long long road involving various consultants, late stage losses, IVF clinics, genetic counsellors and on and on... Because of this I know quite a few people in similar circumstances through the various clinics I attended, Facebook groups and the like, I also have some close friends going through similar issues.

One thing I cannot stand when discussing this subject is the amount of people who suggest adoption as a fix all answer. "Have you looked into adoption?" It absolutely infuriates me and I think anyone who does it is frankly, a bit of an idiot.

Firstly, everyone knows about adoption, we don't need reminding that it exists.

But secondly and most importantly, I don't think it's fair or correct to state it as if it's some easy answer to infertility. Adoption is wonderful, my best friends daughter is adopted and I know she absolutely loves her daughter no less than her biological children but it's not easy either, it's not just a simple "fix" for having biological children, there have been lots of tough times, lovely times and challenges in its own right. She also hates people suggesting it in response to infertility and has said simply wanting children is not the same as going through the adoption process.

AIBU or is it a reasonable suggestion that couples suffering fertility issues "could just adopt"?

But, if you dream of a family then this also resonates. Spends thousands on having a child and is unsuccessful, refuses to entertain the idea of a parentless child. Plus how dare someone ask the question.

Your choice. But don't make out that the two are separate. They are not.

Nasty and judgemental.

Why? It involves personal experience so surely its an opinion? Are we not allowed to disagree anymore?

Find me one person who has struggled with their fertility and found this a helpful, welcome question and then we’ll talk.

Oh and it doesn’t mean someone is refusing to entertain the idea. It’s just that nobody needs to have it suggested like they somehow didn’t already know it exists.

This statement Spends thousands on having a child and is unsuccessful, refuses to entertain the idea of a parentless child. is very judgemental. Disingenuous to pretend it isn’t.

Literally said personal experience. So let's assume its possible that a couple who couldn't have their own child fostered and then adopted!

Honestly it's not one size fits all. Some people who struggled with fertility. Went through IVF decided to adopt. Why would you assume no one wants to talk about this?

So it was a helpful question and they had been thinking about it.

No it's not a fix for infertility, but it is another way to be a parent. You have to fully understand and appreciate the differences, and adoption is not for everyone, but it is the answer for some.

My boss asked me about adoption when fertility treatments weren't working for me. I wasn't offended. It was a reasonable question at the time - maybe because I'd always half thought of it and had worked with children at risk. At the time I imagined my husband wouldn't want to do it, plus we weren't at that stage anyway. I also had heard that social workers weren't in favour of the 'middle classes' adopting and the thought of the assessments involved were off- putting (fear of rejection, another way to fail etc).

However several years later, having considered all other options (we refused egg donation eventually after dwelling on that for a while), I asked my DH and he said yes. Friends had recently adopted and I realised we were good candidates and believed we would not fail the assessment by then. Suddenly our chance of becoming parents felt real and I had reconciled myself to not having biological children.

So we did adopt, twice over. It's parenting plus for sure but very rewarding. We have never regretted it. Yes it filled a void but we went in with our eyes wide open. I have never felt 100% part of the club of bio parents, but around 95% so.

Over the years I have met many other adoptive families both online and in real life. A very large group comprise infertile couples with no other children, and a surprising number are formerly childless couples who conceived their own baby after adopting. The rest are people who had their own children but wanted to help a disadvantaged child or are single parents or gay couples.

So yes, it is a kind of solution to many infertile couples. But you have to go on a personal journey for that to become the case.

I wish it were possible to like posts on here because I would like this x 1000!!

I started writing on this thread when I first saw it the other day but couldn't word things how I wanted to but I agree with everything you wrote.

I too have bio and adopted DC and adopting was the best thing we ever did to add to our family. I would recommend it again and again. I hate all the nagtivity around modern adoption "it's so hard, the children are all damaged" and the best "but what about your OWN children" as if you don't think about your bio kids needs ...🙄.

Adoption does not describe the who that person is, it literally just describes how they got to be in their family. So many bio kids have issues too. And yes we are several years down the line post AO so not naive. We are in contact with the majority of other parents from our prep training and everyone seems to be enjoying a "normal" family life with lovely children.

I personally see it as judgemental to those who choose to adopt. This whole thread has been a little unsettling. The second I point out a different view point I get called all types of names.

How much money goes into IVF? How many people are unable to pay more than once due to postcode/age/second marriage/stepchildren?

I'm not disingenuous/judgemental blah blah. I have a different experience. Sorry I didn't just line up and agree with op. I don't agree with their statement for every infertile couple.

As for being offended by someone mentioning adoption when you're going through infertility, I think it's difficult for other people sometimes to know what to say and their intentions are good usually - not everyone has been trained on how to just "listen" with empathy.

That comment didn't ever trigger me, but other innocuous comments did. When someone at work asked if I wanted children at a time when I didn't want to share that I was going through treatments with all and sundry. When many people told me their best friend's cousins story of conceiving naturally after x years. When, having started on our adoption journey, people told stories of adopters who had then conceived. Some said, once you relax, you'll have your 'own'. Basically lots of comments can trigger someone, but why blame those commenters, who were trying in their own, non professional way to help?

I actually recall being at a conference about infertility and a speaker, who had adopted, saying it wasn't a cure for infertility. I truly had not thought it through in this way and found it an interesting take - I wasn't considering adoption then. Most people won't have had to think about infertility, much less adoption in any degree of detail, so why would they appreciate the differences? Try to forgive!

@TaffyToffee If you read the full thread you would see that my own mum found the gentle suggestion and offer of support very helpful.

@Loopyloooooo @Endlesssummer2022 So pleased to read some positive stories, thank you for sharing, the negativity on here had really made me sad.

I think for me, it wouldn't seem a taboo question because I have grown up with my mum being an adoption social worker and I actually know quite a bit about the process through her. That's why I said I wouldn't make a flippant comment about how someone could just adopt. I know its not easy and simple and not a direct replacement for being able to have biological children. I would also never judge someone who told me that they didn't want to adopt.

I guess my overall point is that the question isn't always asked from a place of ignorance or judgement. It must be difficult to watch someone that you care about struggle for years with infertility and at some point I think it would be natural to wonder if they had ever thought about adoption and if you know them well enough, to ask them this. But maybe my perspective is off because of my mums career, adoption doesn't seem such a sensitive taboo subject for me.