To think adoption is not a fix all answer to not having biological children?

[StopSayingIt]

Just want to preface this by saying I in absolutely no way mean that adopted children are loved any less, I understand that you can certainly feel exactly the same way about adopted children and biological children. That's not the point of this thread.

I have suffered from fertility issues myself for a long time, I do have children but it was a long long road involving various consultants, late stage losses, IVF clinics, genetic counsellors and on and on... Because of this I know quite a few people in similar circumstances through the various clinics I attended, Facebook groups and the like, I also have some close friends going through similar issues.

One thing I cannot stand when discussing this subject is the amount of people who suggest adoption as a fix all answer. "Have you looked into adoption?" It absolutely infuriates me and I think anyone who does it is frankly, a bit of an idiot.

Firstly, everyone knows about adoption, we don't need reminding that it exists.

But secondly and most importantly, I don't think it's fair or correct to state it as if it's some easy answer to infertility. Adoption is wonderful, my best friends daughter is adopted and I know she absolutely loves her daughter no less than her biological children but it's not easy either, it's not just a simple "fix" for having biological children, there have been lots of tough times, lovely times and challenges in its own right. She also hates people suggesting it in response to infertility and has said simply wanting children is not the same as going through the adoption process.

AIBU or is it a reasonable suggestion that couples suffering fertility issues "could just adopt"?

@Roady1 absolutely!
Also just because someone could be a good mum to a birth child, doesn't mean they would be a good mum to an adoptive child. A child adopted at birth can go through childhood with little to no extra issues and then the trauma can start to present itself in teenage or young adult years. People need to understand this.

It’s surely realistic to think that most adopters end up there after infertility

Perhaps. But it shouldn't be the sole reason for you adopting, to fill some sort of void you feel in your life. You should be adopting because you want to adopt and feel you can deal with everything (as explained by PPs) that could potentially come with. Not just because you want a child.

Hence why you have to show you have come to terms with infertility prior to the adoption process. Because they are two separate things and you shouldn't be using one to solve the other.

And someone coming to you upset about infertility is very obviously not yet over it. So suggesting adoption to them at that point is also next to useless.

I know people don't like to hear it but when it was me and people used to just breezily mention adoption like it would solve everything I'd want to scream at them. I was very clearly grieving what I thought at the time was my inability to have a biological child. Not just because of pregnancy and birth (although that is a loss too), I can't even fully explain it myself, it's just a natural urge isn't it? Adoption wouldn't have fixed that problem for me at that time.

That is not to say I think adoptees at lesser children. Not at all. But I think there is a difference when someone is grieving the potential for a biological child. It's not a solution and neither is at easy 'just do this'.

Are not at

I know people don't like to hear it but when it was me and people used to just breezily mention adoption like it would solve everything I'd want to scream at them. I was very clearly grieving what I thought at the time was my inability to have a biological child. Not just because of pregnancy and birth (although that is a loss too), I can't even fully explain it myself, it's just a natural urge isn't it? Adoption wouldn't have fixed that problem for me at that time.

I lost my father young (17) and part of my reason for wanting my own child was to have a child related to him. Selfish perhaps…..

It's not at all selfish. You're entitled to have biology matter to you. I don't understand why that's offensive to anyone. It obviously doesn't matter to adoptive parents and that's great, it doesn't mean I have to believe the same thing in my own situation otherwise I'm offensive and calling adopted children lesser. I'm not. But to me it mattered. And that is fine.

I'm sorry about your father x

Some people are quite weird about adoption. Also there’s a tendency for those who’ve had a negative experience to be the majority of those who share on the internet.

I have bio and adopted DC. Love them the same. Adopted DC removed at 4 weeks. Birth mother, not a drinker or drug user, but had a spell in care, so generational issues, had neglected other kids who were in foster care so was being watched as soon as she got pregnant. She made one error and SS were did not fuck around and wait for her to neglect latest kid so removed and placed with the best foster family ever (still friends with them).

Adopted DC is happy, healthy, popular, well adjusted, secure and so gorgeous they turn heads. Looks biologically related to the family too, the matching was that good. Social worker 100% got us and knew what would work. We lucked out with her.

We tell adopted DC they are adopted but we don’t bang about it every 5 minutes to virtual strangers like some adopted parents I know. I think the push to do a 180 from hiding adoption in the 60s to constantly telling them and everyone else about ‘their story’ will eventually be seen to be an error. I know a local kid who’s mum tells all and sundry ‘he’s adopted’ within 2 mins of meeting them and is setting up a cycle of low expectations by stating he can’t possibly be expected to do X and Y at school e.g turn up on time ‘because he’s adopted’. I think it’s not good for a young person’s psychology to be constantly told publicly and privately and have their parents constantly tell everyone this. Kids just want to feel like they belong and it kind of feels like the parent is trying to distance themselves from any issues.

Not every adoptive parent will agree with me but I find (in my personal experience) that adoptive parents who also have bio children can see adoptive kids a bit differently to those who don’t have adopted kids. For example if an adopted child is playing up, the adoptive parent may rationalise it as ‘it’s because he’s adopted’, has ‘issues’ and follows through with that. However, I have an older bio child so when the younger one plays up I just know it’s not because they are adopted, it’s because they are 11 and sometimes 11 year olds make dick moves. I know this because my older kid used to do shitty things which would make me fantasise about abandoning my family and starting a new life!

@Roady1 thank you so much x

DW and I were approved to adopt. Notice past tense.. an adorable 6 yo was placed with us. I loved this child from day one.

The placement broke down because DW couldn't cope.

This was two years ago now. I miss this child every day.

Adoption is not easy x

I think it depends on how it's said and how well you know the person asking. If I witnessed a close friend going through ivf and baby loss I might ask if they had ever thought about adoption. I would never make a flippant comment about how someone should 'just adopt' though.

It does put the person being asked in a tricky situation as well. How are you supposed to answer it? 'no because I want a child that's biologically mine'. People have already expressed offense at that notion on here. Then you may have to get into justifying yourself as to why it matters to you and so on...

I think a close friend asking would be easier to stomach than a randomer or someone on MN.

But still it does beg the question of why you'd need to ask. If this person is talking to you about their fertility struggles I would assume they'd also talk to you about adoption if that was something they wanted to discuss and look into. As has been said already, it's pretty accepted that most people do know about adoption and don't need telling. If they wanted to, they could bring it up with you.

How sad! Poor child being passed back at 6 years old.. couldn't you have chosen the child over DW and been a single adoptive parent?

This might not have been the best thing for the child.

Thankfully for the child it was a short placement and they returned to their Foster carers who will have the child until 18.

The child needed a stable home with two parents.

On the day of the disruption, when I drove the child back to FC I can't say I didn't have that thought, but it would not have been in the child best interests

I don't think there is a thing wrong with wanting a biological child (I am adopted I get that) but can people stop talking about adopted children and how damaged they are? This is a really neative thread.
No one needs to adopt, but all these negative stories are a bit much. Biological kids have issues too. I have been on here long enough to know most of the threads about teenage issues are not about adopted children. This whole thread is pretty gross.

@Josette77 - 100% agreed. See my post above. As a mother of both bio and adopted children I love them the same. As they’re way past the baby stage I find the blood tie bit has gone away and it’s about the individual child and the bond.

My adopted child is completely fine. Has their moments but so does bio child. That’s why I know when the adopted child plays up it’s not ‘because they are adopted’ it’s ‘because they are a child’.

I do find the discourse on the net around adoption is skewed towards the negative. This makes sense as those who’ve had positive experiences like me, tend to comment less as our stories are quite boring. Similar to birth stories I guess but it’s not great for people who wish to adopt and get scared off as me and DH almost were.

Even the adoption course was like ‘how would you cope as a DH if you wake one night to find your adopted son trying to strangle your DW?’ as if this is a common occurrence. Yes they have to prepare you for extremes as there is always a probability some people will experience severe issues but still. My ‘D’B was abusive from childhood and he’s my parents bio child.

A friend once stated she’d never adopt as you don’t really know their history and they may have issues. She later went on to have a bio child with severe SEN who has violent outbursts. Luckily she found a great school to cater to his needs but it just shows that you can’t guarantee that just because the child came out of you that it will all be great and if the child came from someone else it’s guaranteed they will be ‘inferior’ in some way to your own golden genes (experiences of abuse, in vitro substances etc withstanding).

See my post of 02/08/2022 at 21:42

Even the adoption course was like ‘how would you cope as a DH if you wake one night to find your adopted son trying to strangle your DW?’ as if this is a common occurrence. Yes they have to prepare you for extremes as there is always a probability some people will experience severe issues but still. My ‘D’B was abusive from childhood and he’s my parents bio child.

Presumably they want to weed out those who are less than wholehearted about adoption and it’s right that they should.

‘Presumably they want to weed out those who are less than wholehearted about adoption and it’s right that they should.’

Yes I get that it’s a prep for the worst thing but there’s a balance. Maybe we had an instructor with poor communication skills but it was stated as though this was a likely/common event. Most sons adopted or not don’t wake up and strangle their mothers in the middle of the night.

What is it with people thinking this is a helpful question?

They have heard of adoption. You don’t need to ask this. It would make them want to strangle you.

@jewishmum l don’t think it’s as simple as that 🙄

We have adopted twice. We have one child with FASD and the other has ADHD, dyspraxia and autism. Would we have adopted had we been able to conceive naturally, no. IVF was a total failure too. So for us to have a family adoption was our only option.

It's really tough and our friends have been supportive. My parents though were dead against it, "adoption never works", " you won't be able to cope" etc etc. for us, it's been a positive experience although we know others where it hasn't been because their child's trauma was too much to deal with. We get by though and have to wing it on occasions like other parents. Some friends say that they are in awe of what we have done, which is ridiculous really.

We aren't sure if either child will be fully independent but we will do what we can to help them through.

Sorry, I'm rambling. But when someone says there is always adoption as an option, it is but it's not an easy one.

Still glad we did it though

This.

Everyone has heard of adoption. No one needs a 'helpful' person to suggest it.