Is this a fair arrangement?

[EngIand]

Hi,

I have two adult DC back living at home and need some outside perspective.

DS28 - unemployed, a mature student but hasn’t gone to Uni in person since February (I am wondering if he has dropped out but he won’t broach the subject).

DD24 - works full time in London (we live an hour away on the train).

DS28 says his rent is unfair. He pays £350 a month for a large double room. He gets meals cooked for him most nights (he does not like some of our meals, so opts for takeaway a couple of times a week). Does zero house work, just locks himself in his room playing video games 99 percent of the time.

DD24 pays no rent but pays for all the shopping; the pet costs (inc insurance); does a lot of household chores including daily one hour dog walks; cooks dinner 4-5 times a week; weekly DIY around the house and has travel expenses to get up to London for work. The reason DD gets the shopping is because she cooks most of the time so plans the meals.

DS is now on rent strike until DD is charged the same amount. He also complains we cook food he doesn’t like, such as fish, which forces him to pay extra for takeaways (we have told him he could offer to buy food and cook himself).

Is this current arrangement unreasonable?

Thanks for any advice!

tell him to move out. or ask your DD to pay a nominal sum. (tbh? she's doing too much)

Maybe I should add each of them inherited £40k last year.

@Brefugee I agree. She does do a lot buy she really likes being active and doing things with her hands. She’s the one who wants to cook and do the DIY etc. We just let her get on with it.

• take money as rent

-pay DD for shopping, pet stuff, cooking etc (which is probably more than £350...)

Offer your DS the opportunity to take over the costs and jobs that DD currently has. If he truly thinks that DD has the better deal he'll jump at the chance.

Somehow I don't think he'll take you up on that offer.

But if your DD pays for the household groceries then she is paying rent. It’s no different to her giving you £350 and you putting it towards the food bill, except she’s saving you the actual job of doing the food shop too.
Your 28 year old is a brat, if he is on a ‘rent strike’ I would tell him you are issuing his 30 day notice then.

If he's on rent strike, tell him to move out.

definitely kick DS out. He's a lazy arse and is going to make someone a shit partner if he doesn't learn soon

you really are taking advantage of DD, though, even if she does want to do things. Charge her rent, rather than her pay for shopping. But not much rent since she does so much other stuff. You could put a value on everything so that you can "justify" it.

And if he doesn't pay up his share of the rent, he needs to find somewhere else to live.

I wouldn't have a 28 year old living at home anyway tbh. Time for him to move out

Just add up what your dad spends and tell him she's paying that. I bet it works out more than he is paying. Oh and get him doing household work too !

Sorry dd

I presume the dog is hers, I which case the costs and time spent walking him doesn't count. I originally voted YABU but thinking about it, how much does the food shopping cost her? She could quite easily be spending £350 a month, if not more.

Your DS could always move out...

Tell them both to get their own house

DS doesn’t appear to be a mature student so much as an overgrown teenage gamer who is contributing nothing to the household other than a heavily subsidised token rent. If I was your DD I would be getting very resentful

The shopping costs that DD pays including how she pulls her weight will surely amount to the same £350 so it’s fair. If your DS chooses not to pay rent, tell him to move out and he’ll see if there’s anywhere else he will get a better deal

Completely understand in a sense, as sounds like your DD does a lot and contributes in many ways. However, charging rent for one child but not the other does seem inherently unfair and I can also see why it would be seen as such.

Perhaps it would be better to charge both equal rent and then sort the shopping from that money, unless DD is spending more than this on grocery shopping already? Alternatively adjust the rent amount DS is paying to reflect the average amount DD spends on shopping?

Must be a frustrating situation I’m sure, as it sounds like DD does a great deal and DS should do a great deal more!

How much does she spend on food for 4 people a month? I'd guess that was more than £350 a month without the pet insurance etc. Your ds needs to grow up, like others have said take the money from her then give it straight back, not that you should have to do what he says.

He’s 28. Well old enough to be a fully fledged out the house grown up, if necessary in a house share. I wouldn’t be facilitating him just sitting gaming his life away. If he has mental health issues I’d help him address them, if he was actually attending uni I’d accept he could only work pt/holidays but even if he paid rent uncomplainingly if he’s just sat gaming all day every day he’s wasting his life and becoming ever less employable.

Rent strike?! Time this uncooperative overgrown bird left the nest, with a firm push.

Threads like this always baffle me - I’m 28, married with 3 kids in my own house. I cannot imagine my mum putting up with me going on rent strike or spending all day in her house playing video games. He inherited £40k last year, loads of money for a deposit for a flat, time he got his own place so he can see how far £350 goes!

Erm? Isn't it your house your rules?
If he doesn't like it he could always try to find somewhere else at that incredibly cheap rent with meals thrown in (that he doesn't like)
The sense of entitlement is high with this one!

Thanks everyone for the insight. Sorry I can’t reply to everyone individually!

@Snargle Love that idea but he is not the best cook unless it’s pizza or pasta! I doubt I could get him away from his computer either.

@TopgubDD can’t get mortgage approval because her salary is too low and her outgoings are too high (aka the travel) to afford a house anywhere in the South East. Nor can DS due to being a student. Rents in London are at least £1k a month these days for a room. Doesn’t make economic sense for DD to move to London imo. DS could move into student accommodation I suppose.

DS lives with us because his uni is 15 minutes from the home. I told him it would be better for him to move in and save money for a house deposit.

@luxxlisbonHer outgoings are definitely higher than his, but he doesn’t see it this way. He also says DD pays over the odds for food so the money she spends on groceries isn’t fair or representative (we mainly get Ocado and Sainsbury’s which seem middle of the road to me).

@ElegantlyTouchedDog is a family dog and will be staying with us when the DC leave so I guess everyone should be contributing to her care and up keep equally but DS will only walk the dog once in a blue moon for 15 minutes or so.

@EngIand

Are they going to live with you forever then?

Even though your ds is ripping the piss right out you?

@Topgub DD whenever she gets a high enough salary, she only graduated last year so salary is a bit too low but hopefully she’ll get a high enough salary soon enough to get a mortgage.

With DS I was happy for him to live with us whilst he was a student as it didn’t seem to make sense to have him spend £900 p/m renting a room when his uni is only down the road from us.

I am conscious they will only get an inheritance once and I don’t want it wasted to pay someone else’s mortgage.