Is this a fair arrangement?

[EngIand]

Hi,

I have two adult DC back living at home and need some outside perspective.

DS28 - unemployed, a mature student but hasn’t gone to Uni in person since February (I am wondering if he has dropped out but he won’t broach the subject).

DD24 - works full time in London (we live an hour away on the train).

DS28 says his rent is unfair. He pays £350 a month for a large double room. He gets meals cooked for him most nights (he does not like some of our meals, so opts for takeaway a couple of times a week). Does zero house work, just locks himself in his room playing video games 99 percent of the time.

DD24 pays no rent but pays for all the shopping; the pet costs (inc insurance); does a lot of household chores including daily one hour dog walks; cooks dinner 4-5 times a week; weekly DIY around the house and has travel expenses to get up to London for work. The reason DD gets the shopping is because she cooks most of the time so plans the meals.

DS is now on rent strike until DD is charged the same amount. He also complains we cook food he doesn’t like, such as fish, which forces him to pay extra for takeaways (we have told him he could offer to buy food and cook himself).

Is this current arrangement unreasonable?

Thanks for any advice!

Rent strike? Really, did I read that correctly?
I think it’s time your 28 year old man-child grew TF up. In the real world, rent isn’t optional.
You pay rent, or you are evicted. What a piss take.

From the replies you get from DS he may be depressed. He may be addicted to gaming. Or he may be a lazy entitled slob who thinks everything should be exactly to his liking. Most peoples rent does not include meals, so any meals he gets are a bonus and money he can save. If he does not like them, that is a day he has to feed himself like he would if he was in halls or his own place. As for arrangements with DS and DD - break it down and tot up the costs. Where she shops is nothing to do with him. And tell him if it turns out she spends more than he pays, you will up his rent. I would also be giving him a deadline, either he proves he is still enrolled or he makes alternative arrangements and moves out. He is behaving in a way which is rude, arrogant and selfish and that needs to be clamped down on.

@Sweatinglikeabitch Good idea but I don’t know how to change the WIFI password. DD set our current password but has said she doesn’t want to be dragged into it and cause any more tension in the house. Anyway I can change her mind?

@PinkFrogss I have told him I want him to move out but can never go through with it :(

Charge both DS and DD £350 rent.
You pay for food & pet stuff.
They also have to do equal number hours of chores/week including cooking and cleaning.
Buy a cheap supermarket pizza on the days you have fish.

He needs to move out. He's rude and ungrateful and not taking responsibility for himself.

Tough love!

You are NOT doing him any favours. He has to move out. He is 28..28!!! Staying in his room playing computer games. Not cooking. No life skills. Being rude and entitled, not appreciating what he’s got and not using it as a stepping stone to a future life. Op, surely you understand what you need to do.

Given couples counselling is never recommended in an abusive relationship this is not the next step. He needs to understand that because he does this she is leaving him.

What do you mean? Do you just buckle when he tries to bully or emotionally blackmail you? If so is there someone who can support you while you stand up to you DS while he is behaving like this? You are not doing him or anyone any favours by being a doormat to him.

Yeah apart from that the 28-year old can buy and cook his own meal if he doesn’t want to eat what is cooked for free for him. Maybe op should keep some smiley face oven chips in the freezer just in case he doesn’t like the food.

Jesus. Stop being walked all over by your kids in your own home.

tell DD it is YOUR wifi & you want the code immediately. If YOU are happy with the arrangement with DD then leave it as it is.

tell DS it is YOUR home. His rent is due on x day each month, if it's not paid he can move out. Your arrangement with DD is NONE of his business.

then talk to him, get DH to, another relative or friend who he might listen to, he cannot carry on like this. He 's 28, not 18. He needs to sort himself out or get help.

You need to kick your DS out.

@WinterMusings I do know the current WIFI password, just not how to actually change it. It is not the one on the box. It’s one DD chose herself.

@WinterMusings I should add, I am not very IT literate.

Did you post earlier today about your 28-year old and dh ganging up against you, and you can’t leave because of your dog..? If so, for your own sanity, leave.

@Saucepanwarrior No, not me. DH isn’t great at dealing with the kids but has never been abusive in anyway. But thank you for the concern!

Just imaging how my mum would have reacted if I'd gone on 'rent strike'...

I wouldn't be paying rent to her, because I would no longer be living there!

He's 28, acting 14 and you're treating him like he is 8.

Surely if he lives in your house there are so basic rules he has to abide by, either college or a job, basic respect and manner and contributes positively in terms of chores, cooking and bills.

Or at least a GP visit if the above appears too much for him.

He's behaving like a child and you are indulging it.

I'm sorry, I must have misread your question. I thought you said you had two adult DC living at home, but from the rest of the question it seems you have one adult DD and a pre-teen. Rent strike? 😂😂 😂 No-one is forcing him to get a take-away. If DS hasn't dropped out, the chances are he has not been asked to continue perhaps his exams have not been passed? Your arrangement with DD seems to suit both parties. Perhaps DS would like to contribute in a similar way? Whether he is still at university or not, it is doubtful that he is earning an income from playing video games. Was he working before he became a mature student? There needs to be a discussion about roles and responsibilities; if he is making no contribution, how does he get a say in meals or what DD does?

Ok good. You need to have a proper think of what to do now. But a rent strike is not on, you need to be very clear about that at least. It is not a normal behaviour from a 28-year old so you really have to do something.

OP,

At my university lectures ended in May and that is typical for England. I know they end earlier in some Scottish universities. I do not believe there is a public uni in the U.K. that was still offering lectures in July except possibly in a specialised programme. Or, is he doing a three year degree in two years by studying year round? Occasionally one hears of universities gearing up to offer this kind of thing. I’ve just never known it to come to fruition.

If you want to give us his degree programme we can tell you whether it might have some kind of extra study. But the other thing is that for a while now everyone has been expected to do some face to face teaching.

My bigger concern is that your DD is doing so much. She is probably spending at least £350/month on food for the family, because that is just over £10/day for dinner for four adults. And this does not include any compensation for the time she puts in to shopping and cooking. £10/hr is just over minimum wage outside of London. She probably puts more than 20 hours of work just into shopping and cooking every month, so calling that another £200 is a bargain. We haven’t gone near her other expenses and chores, but who is looking like the sponger?

Having said that I don’t think your DS sounds well. I would give him the option of moving out, or both continuing to pay rent and seeking medical care, because I could not bear to watch my DS throw his life away at such close viewing. Then, provided he sought care, I would help in any possible way.

Don't underestimate how much your daughter is spending. I'm currently spending most of my time at parents due to circs on each side. I don't pay 'rent' but I buy the food & household shopping (including wine!), pay for petrol in family car (as I'm benefiting from it as often go places with mum, and I am happy to pay for 100% refuelling) and also pay for entertainment packages which I would otherwise have cancelled (but which others in the house use and asked me to keep!)
I also do most of the cooking and standard 'chores' in the house - which is a given really, everyone needs to pull their weight.

When it was suggested that I pay rent directly to my mum for the time I'm staying here for her to then spend on all of the above, she rightly pointed out that she'd end up out of pocket if she went down that road!

28 and still bickering about how "it's not fair mum?"

Where would he get his roof, bills and some food for that anywhere else?

Don't give him the option to take over your DD's jobs because it sounds like he just won't do them.

None of his business where she buys the groceries. He is deflecting.

Don't engage with his quibbling. Tell him you expect the rent as usual. If he won't pay and won't leave then I don't know how you can make him tbh but at least it will be very clear that he is taking the piss.

The arrangement sounds unreasonable, but not for the reason your DS thinks it is...

Think it's time he moved out.

OP you and your DH definitely need to intervene now, before you have a DS in his 40’s and beyond still living at home with no job and no prospects. The longer it goes in the worse it is for him.
Your DD sounds like it’s all coming together for her and will be out on her own before you know it.

Your arrangement sounds very unfair... towards your DD. Just get her to pay rent rather than all this shopping and cooking (which I think will be more expensive and more work for her than paying rent). She can join the rotation of cooking and cleaning. She's going to burn out otherwise.

Google/ring your wifi provider if your DD won't tell you how to change the password. Unplugging the damn thing and hiding the damn plug would be a start. As would physically removing your DS's computer from his room when he's in the bathroom (get your DH to do this and be prepared for serious manchild teenager stropping). You can probably find something to lock around the laptop that's fairly theft proof to keep him from just snatching it back, if you don't have e.g. a lockable desk draw. ABSOLUTELY DO NOT GIVE IN TO HIS STROPS. Call the police if he get dangerous.

If he's on "rent strike", NOTHING gets done for him. No laundry, no food cooking, no buying any food that he likes for the freezer.

He absolutely needs to provide evidence of what is going on with him and his course (100% he's dropped out of it), pay his damn rent, apologise BIG time and sort his shit out.

Next time he leaves the house I'd be tempted to have his things in black bin bags on the front porch before he returns, and the damn locks changed. I'm NOT exaggerating, he'll find a sofa to sleep on, or with whatever he has left of 40k in the bank he can always rent a hotel.

Absolutely no more tolerating this shit, he's being an aggressive manchild and he needs the ethical/legal equivalent of a smack around the lughole to snap out of it.