Is this a fair arrangement?

[EngIand]

Hi,

I have two adult DC back living at home and need some outside perspective.

DS28 - unemployed, a mature student but hasn’t gone to Uni in person since February (I am wondering if he has dropped out but he won’t broach the subject).

DD24 - works full time in London (we live an hour away on the train).

DS28 says his rent is unfair. He pays £350 a month for a large double room. He gets meals cooked for him most nights (he does not like some of our meals, so opts for takeaway a couple of times a week). Does zero house work, just locks himself in his room playing video games 99 percent of the time.

DD24 pays no rent but pays for all the shopping; the pet costs (inc insurance); does a lot of household chores including daily one hour dog walks; cooks dinner 4-5 times a week; weekly DIY around the house and has travel expenses to get up to London for work. The reason DD gets the shopping is because she cooks most of the time so plans the meals.

DS is now on rent strike until DD is charged the same amount. He also complains we cook food he doesn’t like, such as fish, which forces him to pay extra for takeaways (we have told him he could offer to buy food and cook himself).

Is this current arrangement unreasonable?

Thanks for any advice!

This seems the best option.

Then it's fair. You are not justifying who pays what.

Just reimburse your daughter for things you'd be paying out for.

It will stop the arguments.

@EngIand

So are you going to address your ds behaviour?

Rent strike? He sounds bloody awful.

Give him three months to find somewhere else to live and see how his £350 a month stacks up then.

If he doesn't like it he should move out. He is lazy, greedy and ungrateful.

As fit your daughter, she is likely spending more than £350pm. It's irrelevant whether your son thinks she could cut what she spends. Her time re diy, cleaning, cooking etc also has a value.

I'd be minded to tot up the overall value your dd contributes (x hour at y for cleaning, cooking, diy etc) per month - Your dd's contribution will almost certainly exceed £350. Thereafter I'd put your son's rent UP.

@toooldtocarewhoknows I have suggested this but he says it’s still unfair as he is excluding from some of the meals and those meals that are cooked for him are too small, leaving him hungry 🙄

We normally have seafood twice a week but he won’t eat it.

Your DD sounds delightful. But your DS needs to be shown the door. He’s taking the piss. He can’t get a job because he’s a student but you don’t see any work and he’s not attended in months? Insane.

Are you still paying a mortgage/is your house paid off? If so, I’d make any contribution more specific to the additional costs of housing 2 adults. I suspect your daughter is overpaying her real share. I’d also try and find a different way of doing the food shopping. So you could do a family online shop where everyone gets to contribute or decide you want to pool a certain percentage of meals etc.

I’d be more worried about the fact you think he’s dropped out though because if that’s the case he’s not a student at all and just bumming around at 28.

He should do some food shopping too and cook a couple of times a week meals he will eat, at least its demonstrating that he's being part of the family, even if it is pasta or pizza. If you go down the route of reimbursing your dd for the family shop, then you'd obv need to reimburse him too.

I’d be a real cow and write up a spreadsheet of what your dd contributes-purely financially-compared to what he contributes. I’ll bet she’s paying double for the food.

Have you tackled the not going to uni issue? He appears to have dropped out if he hasn’t been since feb! My parents always told me they’d support my decisions as long as I had a plan, so as long as I was working and studying, they were happy.

Cool. If he doesn’t like the set up then he can move out. Your house = your rules. My 18 year old self wasn’t this lazy and self absorbed?! He sounds like 28 going on 15 or 16. He will not move away from his computer?!

@rainyskylight Is that so? My friends DD was a waitress at uni so I assumed they could work. I had hoped he’d get a summer job given there are so many jobs about.

I have no idea about his enrolment status. He says he does all his lectures online but he was saying that until about 3 weeks ago before I reminded him his uni should have finished early June. Is there anyway to find out?

@Bunnycat101 Mortgage free thankfully but it’s an expensive house to run these days. DH is retired and I’m a part time nurse.

@Brigante9 Sounds like a good idea actually!

@EL8888 He does act like a teenager. I worry he is addicted to his games. He plays them 8am to 2/3am every day and almost never goes out. I do also wonder if he might be depressed. He does actually have a girlfriend but she lives a while away and is a student nurse, so he does not see her regularly.

So your DD does everything, and your DS pays a bit of rent from an inheritance.

You're raising a cocklodger OP, he needs to sort himself out. Has he spoken to his GP about his mental health?

I mean he might be depressed or on the other hand he might just be a lazy waster who is happy to sit around gaming rather than make any contribution to your household or society.

Give dd credit card for the household food shopping. You pay for pet stuff. Then charge dd say £150 a month as she shops, cooks and walks dog. You will probably save her money. My shopping is easily £200 a week.

DS would be put out. Your arrangement with DD is none of his business.

And what about the going to uni issue? I’m afraid I agree with a pp, he’s a cocklodger.

If he does have depression, that doesn’t mean he can decide to stop paying rent when he contributes nothing. He might need to see his gp.

Your son is nearly 30 and spends around 20 hours a day gaming in his room ? Are you not seriously concerned about this situation?

What time do you/DD/DH go to bed? I’d start turning off the wifi early if he’s the only one staying up to game

If I was just trying to sort out this issue, I'd open a joint bank account that the whole family can use, get them both to pay rent into it, get whichever of them does the food shopping to use it, tell him he's welcome to shop sometimes if he'll cook, and introduce a light-touch discount system - hour or so on average a day pulling weight with dog / cooking / anything.

But - unless he also has a gambling problem, he's not short of cash. So it sounds more like a problem he has with his sister - feeling inferior? Did he live away from home before this? Sometimes moving back isn't good for people.

@waterrat I am extremely concerned. I’ve told him it is ruining his life and making him unhealthy. I’ve suggested he go to his GP. I have offered to send him to a month long detox programme. I switch off the WIFI from 8 to 10 but he hotspots to his phone. Nothing seems to stop him. He just calls me negative and judgemental whenever I bring the subject up.

What is his excuse for not having a job? Even student nurses that are full time in Uni or on placement work bank shifts as I'm sure you know!

I'd tell him he pays or leaves. Your arrangement with DD is none of his business. She's pulling her weight. He isn't.
I'd also change the password on the WiFi, stop making him any food and not do any laundry for him . He needs to grow to up. He's nearly 30 and acting like a 14yo.

Sounds like he needs some tough love OP. It’ll hurt and be difficult in the short term but what he needs in the long run.

Can you discuss a moving out plan to him I.e give him notice. It’s fair as DD has a moving out plan that sounds like she’ll be out by the time she’s his age.

@Mangledrake It has crossed my mind occasionally. DS never did well at school. According to a psychologist we took him to he has a high IQ but severe dyslexia. After struggling at mainstream school we sent him to a tutorial college where classes were a maximum of 1:3 teacher to student ratio. He got 3 GCSEs. He has worked as a supermarket assistant and then a personal trainer. He stopped due to Covid but he did an access course and enrolled in uni last year. I thought he was on the right track until gaming took over.

DD has always been a highflier and got a 100% scholarship to boarding school on her own initiative. Did well at uni etc. Has a good (but currently modestly paid) job.

I also have a severely disabled, brain damaged son who lives in residential housing. I think DS found it difficult we paid so much attention to our other DS when he was growing up (but we didn’t really have a choice and DD was in the same situation).

All that being said DS and DD get on well personally, better than either me or DH.