Is this a fair arrangement?

[EngIand]

Hi,

I have two adult DC back living at home and need some outside perspective.

DS28 - unemployed, a mature student but hasn’t gone to Uni in person since February (I am wondering if he has dropped out but he won’t broach the subject).

DD24 - works full time in London (we live an hour away on the train).

DS28 says his rent is unfair. He pays £350 a month for a large double room. He gets meals cooked for him most nights (he does not like some of our meals, so opts for takeaway a couple of times a week). Does zero house work, just locks himself in his room playing video games 99 percent of the time.

DD24 pays no rent but pays for all the shopping; the pet costs (inc insurance); does a lot of household chores including daily one hour dog walks; cooks dinner 4-5 times a week; weekly DIY around the house and has travel expenses to get up to London for work. The reason DD gets the shopping is because she cooks most of the time so plans the meals.

DS is now on rent strike until DD is charged the same amount. He also complains we cook food he doesn’t like, such as fish, which forces him to pay extra for takeaways (we have told him he could offer to buy food and cook himself).

Is this current arrangement unreasonable?

Thanks for any advice!

Can you contact the university yourself and try and establish if he is still enrolled/dropped out? Not sure what he is studying but sounds like a bit of a lightweight course if he is spending most of his day gaming and I assume you would have at some stage seen him log onto some zoom/teams call for an online lecture???

Either way, at 28 he is showing an alarming lack of maturity and I would personally pushing for a substantial change in attitude and motivation from him because before you know it you will have a 40 year old man child under your roof getting upset because you disturbed his latest game of Minecraft.

28
time to encourage him to move out

What is the plan long term for your DS? Is he going to stay in his room for another year or another ten years? At what point do you tell him to make his own way in the world (answer - about five years ago)?

Does he spend any time with the family at all? Does he eat with you (when he's not getting himself a take away)? Does he have any friends in the real world?

The money is a side issue. You have a real problem with an adult man who is seemingly incapable of taking any responsibility for his own life. You need to run it like a proper b&b and turf him out from 8am-5pm and tell him to go and find a job or find another way to fill his time. He sounds like a total nightmare and you're being walked over. How is he going to cope when he hits 30 and he's still playing games all day? Has he no self respect?

£40k won't last very long and then what happens?

Can you contact the university yourself and try and establish if he is still enrolled/dropped out?

There is no way they would give out this information. A massive privacy violation, and they’d be in the shit for it for sure if they did.

Rents in London are available from £450 a month looking around north London OP.

-house share I mean

No it's not fair. Especially not to your dd. How much is she spending a month? Ask her to add it up or use her online accounts to calculate. Are you trying to support her to save for a deposit? It sounds like she spends hundreds on feeding a family of 4.

Why is your lazy 28 year old man child negotiating with you, in your house about how you operate it. Why aren't you able to speak to him about his course. Entitled. Give him notice to start paying and doing jobs. Or leave.

lol you know absolutely full well that it isn't unreasonable, what you're really asking is NOT whether it's unreasonable, but how to handle a lazy layabout almost 30yo son.

At 28yo he needs to get out and fend for himself. You're not helping him by letting him live at home for pitiful rent and do absolutely jack shit for himself.

Surely it’s about time DS moves out , I couldn’t tolerate that set up . I think you’re doing him no favours 😞

Id tell him, "you pay or you move out."
Plus you need proof he has done his course work, & passed his year. If not, he needs to get down to the job center.

Your son sound like a lazy ungrateful oaf.

I think he’s railing against a point of fairness, without comprehending the actual labour your daughter is putting in to the household.

I’d call everyone together to agree that as of today, they both contribute £350 each to an account. This will then be used to buy food for the family. If it isn’t enough, then the amount of rent will increase accordingly. There can also be a timetable for dog walks and your son does 1 of those a day.

Then see how he likes the “fairness”!!

This.

Has he worked or studied before because he is 28

Just Google how to change the password it’s really easy, bit defeatist for no reason

You could charge them both the same, but pay for the food shopping, pet insurance and also pay for the dog walking. However I'd not want to be blackmailed by an adult living in my house, so wouldn't change a thing. If it works for you then leave it as is.

As for 'on strike' tell him to go and rent somewhere if he's that bothered - cheeky fucker

You have a much bigger issue than 'rent strike' with your DS. However, he is 28 and it is time he took responsibility for his mental health, general health and life goals.

Encourage him to speak to someone; his GP, a therapist, his sister, but he needs some help in setting some achievable goals and life skills.

Have been thinking about this a lot. It's clear the arrangement is unfair but i also think one pp got it right: you have to learn to live with your DS.

Is the disabled DS older or younger than the others?
I agree that DD is paying and doing too much: she is the only one in the house working full time, walks the dog an hour a day, cooks, does DIY? What is anyone else doing to keep the household running? She's be better off moving into an HMO for a while so you lot appreciate her more.

And stop being so passive about the WIFI password - you can post on a forum? you can find out how to change the pw.

Your DS does sound as though he needs therapy though. If your DD was off at boarding school (did she like being away because of lack of input from you due to your other DS?) and you were wrapped up (understandably) with your disabled DS to the detriment of attention paid to your DS (not understandable)?

The whole situation sounds a mess but it is telling that your DD just puts up with it and doesn't want to be drawn into the argument.

Yes he’s being very unreasonably isn’t he. He maybe jealous and full of resentments but these are his issues. I assume he using the inheritance to pay you as he doesn’t appear to have other income. If it was that simple you could just give him the receipts from the daughters food shopping but this isn’t the issue. Start charging your daughter £350 and I get there will be something else.
Hes living at yours so you need to know what he is doing. He’s either left or been thrown off the course. Has he ever worked? You need to be mindful you are not enabling him. Does he interact with you all - does he go out? Have friends? How long are you going to let him live like this. Your children are polar opposites - was DD the golden child? I assume you treated them both the same. He’s resentful and this is a way he can get back at you. You only have to phone the uni t find out what’s going on with his course - he may need to see his GP -
don’t enable him and pander to him - sounds tough.

Who lives at home at 28 and has discussions over whether to pay their way.😂

Er no-not tenable.

If the dog is hers then that isn't part of the equation. Charge them both the same rent but deduct the cost of shopping your dd has bought. Ds gets a list of chores including cooking once a week. If the dog is a family dog then deduct the costs from her rent too.

Get to the bottom of the university situation, at 28 he needs help if he's stuck in his room all the time (my dd is a gamer and needs coaxing too)

I find all responses seem to not really understand the situation OP is in. It is extremely difficult nigh impossible to get your own adult children to move out , esp when it appears there are probably MH issues. If you can persuade him to get some therapy / meds for his addiction to gaming / depression that would be a start. It is a v difficult situation and you have my sympathy. The rent issue is not really the problem imo.

Your husband needs to step in here. He had a son that he's been involved in bringing up. Is this the adult man he's proud of bringing into the world? Does he think he's done a good job?

Sadly we all know that your DS isn't going to listen to you, and I'm going to pass over your role in that becoming the case. But pragmatically, it's your son's father who's likely to have more power and influence over a 28 year old man.

A parent's job is to raise an independent adult, and its your DH's turn (with your backing) to get that job done

You need to charge both the same amount, and then dd buys the food from your account, rather than her money directly.

Ds also needs to step up with household chores. Maybe he does the dog walking duty 2-3 times a week, cleaning bathrooms, hoovering etc. Start by cooking one meal a week. If he’s a hopeless cook, then get a cookery book, get him to choose a recipe and start from there.

Also, you need a serious conversation about where his future is heading. How long left on his course? What’s his plans past the course? Encourage him to get an evening job.

If you don’t start taking action soon, he’ll still be sponging off you at forty.

Who paid for his uni course, by the way?

As for him being picky, whoever is cooking needs to meal plan for all including enough food - I have a vegetarian dd and she doesn't go hungry on nights we have meat, no different for someone who doesn't like fish! Failing that frozen meals like cook from frozen chicken, wedges etc can be bought for him to cook on seafood nights. Side dishes can increase the quantity

he is not the best cook unless it’s pizza or pasta! I doubt I could get him away from his computer either.

It doesn't matter. He should cook for the family once or twice a week anyway, especially as he's complaining about what is made for him. And I'm afraid you suffer the pizza or pasta.

As for doubting that you could get him away from his computer, wtf? He's an adult with responsibilities, and again, where his dad in this?