Is this a fair arrangement?

[EngIand]

Hi,

I have two adult DC back living at home and need some outside perspective.

DS28 - unemployed, a mature student but hasn’t gone to Uni in person since February (I am wondering if he has dropped out but he won’t broach the subject).

DD24 - works full time in London (we live an hour away on the train).

DS28 says his rent is unfair. He pays £350 a month for a large double room. He gets meals cooked for him most nights (he does not like some of our meals, so opts for takeaway a couple of times a week). Does zero house work, just locks himself in his room playing video games 99 percent of the time.

DD24 pays no rent but pays for all the shopping; the pet costs (inc insurance); does a lot of household chores including daily one hour dog walks; cooks dinner 4-5 times a week; weekly DIY around the house and has travel expenses to get up to London for work. The reason DD gets the shopping is because she cooks most of the time so plans the meals.

DS is now on rent strike until DD is charged the same amount. He also complains we cook food he doesn’t like, such as fish, which forces him to pay extra for takeaways (we have told him he could offer to buy food and cook himself).

Is this current arrangement unreasonable?

Thanks for any advice!

Well, you're right about the 40k being enough for a deposit, but it doesn't sound as if DS would get a mortgage, or even be approved as a tenant unless Mum guaranteed the rent. He needs an income to be able to get a mortgage.

Anyway, OP, why are you scared to broach whether DS is still at university? Has he got a student loan, or is he spending his inheritance on takeaways? It's a really difficult situation, very hard to actually kick out your own chid when you know they haven't got anywhere else to go.
FWIW DS1 was like this when he was younger, he spent 3 years after he finished his degree gaming in his bedroom, and we were all despairing, and worried about his mental health. We had to hold him by the hand to get him to apply for jobs at all, and the longer it went on the scareder he got of the outside world. After having some therapy sessions, he did eventually get a very low paid job in the gaming industry, ( at least he knew about the product!). He has since changed jobs, been promoted, and now earns more than his dad - all this in a about 3 years. He is in a position where he can now consider buying flat himself, but I just wanted to say it has not been easy, and needed a huge a mount of persistence, patience and kindness from us.
I think you need to have a talk with him about minimum expectations as far as housework and contact is concerned, and keep talking. Ask him regularly what he is doing study -wise and job wise, keep him accountable. Ask if you can do anything to help.
If it makes things with him easier, charge DD the same rent, but reimburse her for what she spends on the shopping etc. Insist he joins you for meals, give him a regular night to be the cook, and don't compare him to DD. If you are a depressed older brother, it must be very hard to have such positive role model as a younger sister!

@BalloonsAndWhistles yep complete cheeky fucker. We have a similar household income to you and very rarely have takeaway 🤷‍♀️