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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm probably wrong but so angry

315 replies

Outoforder2 · 31/07/2022 17:48

So my DS has moved back home, he is so lazy! He's 28, his flat with mates came to the end of his tenancy.

I made it clear when he moved back he had to abide by the rules, clear up etc. it's not happening.

As an example DH and I normally cook Sunday lunch together, we did last week. It's hot and we were having trouble with flies, DSi is dreadful for leaving stuff out, not cleaning the worktops so it attracts them more.

We cleared up after Sunday lunch, said to DS, make sure if you cook anything extra you clear up etc.

Came down Monday to the plate the leftover Ed meat was on, left so I hat attracts flies, he'd made a shake thing, machine, dirty cup, dirty machine all left out.

He was at work monday and I was out in the evening. Told DH, he just shrugs.

Tuesday evening, I said to DS, look we agreed don't leave stuff out etc. as always he's aggressive and defensive, ended in the usual row. So I said to DH, you could've backed me (he never ever does), he just barks at me, you're just trying to cause a row.

So he's not spoken to me all week, he's being super nice to DS and I'm the outsider. I was out all day today as I had a dog training thing. DH has made dinner. I've eaten mine alone in the garden asI'm not sitting at home he table with them so nice to each other and excusing me.

DS has eaten his dinner, put his plate in the dishwasher and left the room. It's full of clearing up, which I would normally do, but I'm thinking well if you act like a selfish sod in this house you get treated better. So I just want to leave it.

I'm probably wrong, but the "you alright mate" from DH to DS, in an overly loud nice tone for me to hear is really pushing my buttons.

What the fuck do I do?

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 31/07/2022 17:50

Find some adverts for flats and send them to him.

WelliesandWine88 · 31/07/2022 17:50

You're absolutely not wrong. DS would be put back out!

IncompleteSenten · 31/07/2022 17:51

Book into a premier Inn and leave the fuckers to it for a few days?

Darktimes35 · 31/07/2022 17:51

That’s so disrespectful. I’d be furious with my oh for not backing me up. I’d stop doing anything for either of them.

Original poster
Outoforder2 · 31/07/2022 17:52

IncompleteSenten · 31/07/2022 17:51

Book into a premier Inn and leave the fuckers to it for a few days?

I honestly would do that, but we've got a new dog and I need to be here.

I feel totally alienated in my own home, I go from angry to upset to livid.

OP posts:
BlanketsBanned · 31/07/2022 17:53

Leave the lazy bastards to play their stupid mind games, dont cook dinner for them, pile all their crap into the washing bowl and dump it in his bedroom, treat yourself to takeaway and a nice long relaxing bath.

Original poster
Outoforder2 · 31/07/2022 17:53

Darktimes35 · 31/07/2022 17:51

That’s so disrespectful. I’d be furious with my oh for not backing me up. I’d stop doing anything for either of them.

That's what I'm saying, just leave the shit? But the problem is I work from home, so it's me seeing it all day everyday.

DS won't give a shot and DH will continue cooking etc for him.

OP posts:
Lineala · 31/07/2022 17:55

You do nothing. No cleaning, no washing up, no emptying the dishwasher, no laundry, no cooking except for yourself etc. See what happens :-)

PrinceOfPegging · 31/07/2022 17:56

Leave it all alone. Yes it will be tough, yes you’ll want to crack.

But if you clear it up, DS will never learn. Stay strong.

Original poster
Outoforder2 · 31/07/2022 17:56

Also, I was y going to say this but but I've had enough of the atmosphere between me and DH, so I suggested going for a coffee this morning at around 11.30. He was too tired.

I feel stupid now, hence more upset and angrier.

OP posts:
Whydothat · 31/07/2022 17:58

Leave them to it. They can wallow in their own filth whilst you enjoy your extra time off.

Original poster
Outoforder2 · 31/07/2022 17:59

I feel very tearful with it all. So like an outsider in my own home.

OP posts:
MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 31/07/2022 18:00

What's so wrong with DH and DS that they can't sort out a dog between them? Don't lift a finger, they're expecting you to accept being disrespected like that AND to do all the shitwork on top Angry Seriously, as per previous post, go and stay somewhere and leave the fuckers to it.

Original poster
Outoforder2 · 31/07/2022 18:02

MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 31/07/2022 18:00

What's so wrong with DH and DS that they can't sort out a dog between them? Don't lift a finger, they're expecting you to accept being disrespected like that AND to do all the shitwork on top Angry Seriously, as per previous post, go and stay somewhere and leave the fuckers to it.

I WFH, she's a puppy and whilst I'm angry with them, I don't want her left alone and distressed.

If I could take her with me....

But also I need to be at home to work, I can't work from a laptop, my office is all set up with two screens etc.

OP posts:
ChocoButterfly · 31/07/2022 18:02

Don't back down! Be persistent.

Try to talk to them about it. Ask them what they expect you to do. Ask them if they really expect you to clean up after them?

coodawoodashooda · 31/07/2022 18:02

MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 31/07/2022 18:00

What's so wrong with DH and DS that they can't sort out a dog between them? Don't lift a finger, they're expecting you to accept being disrespected like that AND to do all the shitwork on top Angry Seriously, as per previous post, go and stay somewhere and leave the fuckers to it.

This

Original poster
Outoforder2 · 31/07/2022 18:03

I know what people are saying, but I suppose this is not about not lifting a finger, it's about the difference disrespect and exclusion they're giving me.

So fucking hurtful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Outoforder2 · 31/07/2022 18:04

ChocoButterfly · 31/07/2022 18:02

Don't back down! Be persistent.

Try to talk to them about it. Ask them what they expect you to do. Ask them if they really expect you to clean up after them?

In fairness DH does loads, but it's what he is teaching DS.

OP posts:
BeggarsMeddle · 31/07/2022 18:08

I'd be doing nothing for them. Concentrate on your dog and on your work. Wear headphones and listen to an audio book so you don't have to listen to them winding you up. What is your husband like normally? He and your son don't sound respectful.

sleepymum50 · 31/07/2022 18:08

I find reframing things helps me.

Take this as a mini holiday from housework. You’ve got a new dog. Stuff the dishes and cooking. Use the extra time to bond with your dog. Take leisurely walks when not WFH.

They are also adults, so in a way you are treating them as adults and letting them learn he consequences of leaving stuff out.

Let yourself feel a little guilty pleasure in behaving like a sulky teenager, why do you always have to be the good responsible one. Eat stuff from the fridge even if it’s the last bit left. Eat someone else chocolate.

Think of it as throwing of the shackles of responsibility.

Ohhhhladz · 31/07/2022 18:12

Leaving aside your son for the moment - is there something seriously wrong with your husband? Does he not realise there are issues with flies in the house, and can you not show him? Was he not there when you and your son had the conversation about clearing up? Even if he somehow believes that didn't happen or you weren't clear, can you not all agree now?

So I said to DH, you could've backed me (he never ever does), he just barks at me, you're just trying to cause a row. How are you trhe villain for pointing out that your son did not do what the two (three?) of you agreed he WOULD do, but your son is a victim because you pointed this out? It doesn't make sense. I would make him (the husband) explain it. Make it harder and more miserable for him to be a rude arsehole to you and easier to simply exercise common sense and basic manners, if that's the only way he'll stop treating you like crap.

So he's not spoken to me all week, he's being super nice to DS and I'm the outsider. Your HUSBAND, not your SON, is mad because you criticised your son for not following the house rules?

Between your having to WFH and having primary responsibility for the puppy, it's not realistic for you to leave, so tell them to leave.

girlmom21 · 31/07/2022 18:12

Just go and have it out with them. Don't let it fester for any longer.a

Chooksnroses · 31/07/2022 18:14

IncompleteSenten · 31/07/2022 17:51

Book into a premier Inn and leave the fuckers to it for a few days?

I agree...and don't tell them you're going!

orangeisthenewpuce · 31/07/2022 18:17

Could you find a b&b that takes dogs? Do you normally do the majority of the housework?

Original poster
Outoforder2 · 31/07/2022 18:18

orangeisthenewpuce · 31/07/2022 18:17

Could you find a b&b that takes dogs? Do you normally do the majority of the housework?

Honestly she's at puppy stage, I could t risk it.

No, my DH does equal amounts, it's just that he lets DS literally get away with murder! I keep saying it's not good for you to do that, he needs to follow the rules!

OP posts: