I'm probably wrong but so angry

[Outoforder2]

So my DS has moved back home, he is so lazy! He's 28, his flat with mates came to the end of his tenancy.

I made it clear when he moved back he had to abide by the rules, clear up etc. it's not happening.

As an example DH and I normally cook Sunday lunch together, we did last week. It's hot and we were having trouble with flies, DSi is dreadful for leaving stuff out, not cleaning the worktops so it attracts them more.

We cleared up after Sunday lunch, said to DS, make sure if you cook anything extra you clear up etc.

Came down Monday to the plate the leftover Ed meat was on, left so I hat attracts flies, he'd made a shake thing, machine, dirty cup, dirty machine all left out.

He was at work monday and I was out in the evening. Told DH, he just shrugs.

Tuesday evening, I said to DS, look we agreed don't leave stuff out etc. as always he's aggressive and defensive, ended in the usual row. So I said to DH, you could've backed me (he never ever does), he just barks at me, you're just trying to cause a row.

So he's not spoken to me all week, he's being super nice to DS and I'm the outsider. I was out all day today as I had a dog training thing. DH has made dinner. I've eaten mine alone in the garden asI'm not sitting at home he table with them so nice to each other and excusing me.

DS has eaten his dinner, put his plate in the dishwasher and left the room. It's full of clearing up, which I would normally do, but I'm thinking well if you act like a selfish sod in this house you get treated better. So I just want to leave it.

I'm probably wrong, but the "you alright mate" from DH to DS, in an overly loud nice tone for me to hear is really pushing my buttons.

What the fuck do I do?

I feel like this sometimes, they really grind you down.
And it’s ok saying just leave it, but you don’t want to live in a pig sty.

Thank you @KangarooKenny

I can't, at the moment I'm feeling low and sad and will just cry.

I'll be stronger again tomorrow and will do it then, but they might well "gang up" against me.

Honestly, I really didn't ask for much.

You shouldn't have to do this but I would just lose it completely with them both.

If your DH isn't going to back you, make him do the clearing away & tidying. When it's impacting HIM he will hopefully get his head out if his arse & give your DS a bollocking.

He will clear up rather than deal with DS, that's the issue.

DH just won't! That's the problem.

You have to be really impervious to mess, don't look at it and definitely don't clear up the stuff your son leaves. Don't do any washing, ironing, or anything for your son, or husband. I have to do this occasionally when they get slack. They will notice eventually, and their first instinct, is to point out the mess, that's when you let them have it, and go nuclear on them.

I feel your pain! In almost exactly the same situation myself but living in my partners house with his children, total nightmare as I have no say in anything whatsoever unless I absolutely kick off, which tbh isn't very me and I'm sick of being the bad one all the time.
May I suggest that there might be something underlying going on here? My other half let's the kids get away with murder but I think I've figured out it's because he's scared of losing them, them favouring their mother's, them not liking him, etc. Is there anything like that with your DH? If not I would speak to DH calmly and when DS is not there and ask straight out what's going on from his perspective, like there's been an atmosphere in the house recently, what's your point of view on it? See what he says and then tell him how you feel.

I'd move out and leave them to it. If you can't do that chuck them out, they are selfish pricks. If you can't do that put the shite he leaves out in his room. If that doesn't work you'll just have to get on with it I suppose till he moves out. Sounds miserable, hope it changes for you and soon

Tell us about your puppy! Might cheer you up a little. Is it your first dog? What breed is it?

Go hands off, leave DS mess lying around and don't mention it again. Let DH get sick of the sight of it and deal with DS.

Meanwhile I'd be doing some serious thinking about what your DH is playing at, the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree in terms of respect for you, has it?

Travel lodge allows dogs, I understand your worries about it being a puppy, but take puppy pads and a bottle of no chew spray it’ll be fine

So your DH is teaching DD how to treat you? In your own fucking house? I'd kick both the fuckers out. Bloody cheek.

Put all dirty plates in his bed

Have you tried shaming him?
are there ever any friends/lovers that you can tell them what a dirty pig he is, and that they should hose off afterwards.

when speaking on the phone, tell other people that you are ashamed of disgusting selfishness, and that he doesn’t care about basic hygiene.

or even “Actually, I do not want to live with a person who is so monumentally selfish, and dirty. Why should I?”.
presumably his flat mates actually kicked him out.

Put all the dirty stuff in his room

Hide the crockery, cutlery and glasses. Replace with paper plates, bowls, cups and plastic cutlery. The kitchen is closed due to lack of interest. The laundry doesn’t get done and neither does the dishwasher. Make your own dinner and nothing for these lazy ungrateful sods.
Oh, and whilst ds is looking for new digs, he can take his father with him.

Do you charge rent? If so charge for an extra amount for a cleaning fee. If you don’t… you need to - otherwise why would he ever leave?

DS, but yes!

You have got to tell your Dh this. Ask him why he finds it acceptable to upset you rather than get your ds to grow the fuck up. Then stop doing a thing for either of them. Your ds needs to move out.

No it certainly hasn't.

This is so sad OP! You have two full grown men in your house being mean. Honestly that sounds ao
miserable 💐

He’s 28, he should be ashamed of himself in all honesty! He’s 4 years younger than me!!

I have nothing but empathy for you, OP. This has become antagonistic and your DH isn't supporting you despite the agreement at the outset of your DS joining you in your home.

The PPs who assume that you can withdraw your labour for a few days and your DS and DH would effectively and rationally come to their senses in this matter and change their behaviour possibly have little insight into how rank they may be prepared to let your home get. It is you who would have to face the mess everyday because you work from home.

I have sometimes been on extended work trips only to return home and find pans that have been unwashed for months and a dishwasher plus washing machine that went mouldy for lack of use.

I have no practical advice for you.