I'm probably wrong but so angry

[Outoforder2]

So my DS has moved back home, he is so lazy! He's 28, his flat with mates came to the end of his tenancy.

I made it clear when he moved back he had to abide by the rules, clear up etc. it's not happening.

As an example DH and I normally cook Sunday lunch together, we did last week. It's hot and we were having trouble with flies, DSi is dreadful for leaving stuff out, not cleaning the worktops so it attracts them more.

We cleared up after Sunday lunch, said to DS, make sure if you cook anything extra you clear up etc.

Came down Monday to the plate the leftover Ed meat was on, left so I hat attracts flies, he'd made a shake thing, machine, dirty cup, dirty machine all left out.

He was at work monday and I was out in the evening. Told DH, he just shrugs.

Tuesday evening, I said to DS, look we agreed don't leave stuff out etc. as always he's aggressive and defensive, ended in the usual row. So I said to DH, you could've backed me (he never ever does), he just barks at me, you're just trying to cause a row.

So he's not spoken to me all week, he's being super nice to DS and I'm the outsider. I was out all day today as I had a dog training thing. DH has made dinner. I've eaten mine alone in the garden asI'm not sitting at home he table with them so nice to each other and excusing me.

DS has eaten his dinner, put his plate in the dishwasher and left the room. It's full of clearing up, which I would normally do, but I'm thinking well if you act like a selfish sod in this house you get treated better. So I just want to leave it.

I'm probably wrong, but the "you alright mate" from DH to DS, in an overly loud nice tone for me to hear is really pushing my buttons.

What the fuck do I do?

Luckily for him, he didn't suggest HRT!

Ffs imagine

Fair play OP. Good on you for biding your time and saying your piece when you were ready and strong.

Fingers crossed he's true to his word

Well done @Outoforder2 I hope it goes well. I’m looking forward to reading the next stage.

I don't hold out much hope....

But at least I don't allow him say we are alright and I'll sort it out, which doesn't happen! It's more you sort it out and we'll be alright.

Someone on here suggested I went on HRT! Ffs a woman with a view needs medication!

I will update!

He's popped to the shops, I've come upstairs, he probably thought normal service might resume, we'd watch TV together etc..

Nah, I need to see progress before I change a thing!

Op do you love him.want to stay with him.you don’t to me sound it.or happy.why continue?

I agree but it takes planning, I'm not under threat, I'm disengaging, I will move forward to what I actually want.

I'm not going to move out to a hotel as a knee jerk reaction, I've told him how I feel and I'm sticking to that.

Sorry didn't answer your questions! Yes I love him, but i don't want your be with him, I don't think he loves me.

Well done OP. Remove yourself as much as possible to clear your head to keep calm and think. Do what you enjoy, you deserve respect and happiness, the sooner your 2 'residents' realise that the better.

Well done OP.

Well handled.

No resumption of services.

Your husband is very weak and wants it all his way.

Detaching from them both, protecting yourself is the wisest move at this point.

Shop only for yourself, make your own food and avoid both of them until he sorts your son out.

In the interim period, do your math and have the house valued as clear indication of just how serious this is.

Sadly I don't believe your husband values you and has likely taken you hugely for granted.

Getting further upset will do you no good.
Withdrawing as much as you can, doing nothing that benefits either of them and making it very clear you have no wish to be in either of their company is the way to go.

Have you any family that you can visit? Or friends?
Well if you can look at some weekend breaks, even one night, to get a break from them both.

Your husband doesn't deserve you and as for your son, honestly I would be letting him off.

Any 28 year old who treats his mother like that is really not someone to be engaging with.

Your strength and determination here are your only hope to showing them both you will not accept this behaviour and treatment.

If your husband thinks it more important to allow his son treat you badly than to protect his wife and marriage, then your marriage is dead and you are better off knowing now.

Mind yourself

Good stuff Op & great that you've said you'll see improvement first. Carry on & solidarity to you. There's strength in what you're doing.

I'm actually in a similar situation with my dh & have recently started seeing a counsellor-it's been an awful year for lots of reasons but the counsellor identified the root of my issues, (things that aren't the core problem but taking up a lot of my headspace), as being because me & my feelings have been dismissed, it's very triggering. She also identified that dh & I have an 'anxious avoidant' relationship, which may not be relevant to you but is interesting & related to the dismissive thing.

Anyway, hope they both improve quickly but don't be too quick to let them off & train them like the puppy to heel at first pull! Good luck to you

Well done OP. FWIW I think you should have a look at the Advicenow guides on divorce and get some initial advice from a solicitor. Just so you know where you stand and what the next steps would be if and when you decide it's over.

Btw, the silent treatment he gave you was a form of emotional abuse. I agree with PPs who said he was bullying you by ignoring you while being all friendly with DS - incredibly cruel behaviour. Not appropriate for a supposedly loving husband and responsible father.

Find a dog friendly hotel by the seaside. You and dog will have lots of fun and leave DH and DS to it

Do you have any relatives you haven’t visited in a while? This would be a good chance to do that. And don’t hurry home. Alternately, can you afford a few days by the seaside BY YOURSELF? Of course, if you do, you will have to expect that when you come home, YOU will be the one shoveling out the pigsty.

This husband-favoring-son crap happens to me a lot, too, and I just HATE it. It’s male bonding at its worst. You are definitely not alone.

You have to assess how much financial independence you have, because I’m sorry to say, but I don’t think you are going to be able to convince your husband that your son has some growing up to do. You may have to decide whether you have to be the live-in maid, I.e. HOUSESLAVE, or whether you can afford to go it alone.

Hopefully it worked out. The thing I would have been concentrating on is your DS's plan on moving out. Putting up with extra work sucks but getting him out of the house is more important. DH ways were fine until DS became involved. DH knows even if he lays down the law and backs you DS isn't going to listen so what's the point. So are you going to kick him out for not cleaning up his plate? Which is why just try and focus on getting your son out versus worry about the mess.

@Outoforder2 how are you? Hope you are doing better now…