I'm probably wrong but so angry

[Outoforder2]

So my DS has moved back home, he is so lazy! He's 28, his flat with mates came to the end of his tenancy.

I made it clear when he moved back he had to abide by the rules, clear up etc. it's not happening.

As an example DH and I normally cook Sunday lunch together, we did last week. It's hot and we were having trouble with flies, DSi is dreadful for leaving stuff out, not cleaning the worktops so it attracts them more.

We cleared up after Sunday lunch, said to DS, make sure if you cook anything extra you clear up etc.

Came down Monday to the plate the leftover Ed meat was on, left so I hat attracts flies, he'd made a shake thing, machine, dirty cup, dirty machine all left out.

He was at work monday and I was out in the evening. Told DH, he just shrugs.

Tuesday evening, I said to DS, look we agreed don't leave stuff out etc. as always he's aggressive and defensive, ended in the usual row. So I said to DH, you could've backed me (he never ever does), he just barks at me, you're just trying to cause a row.

So he's not spoken to me all week, he's being super nice to DS and I'm the outsider. I was out all day today as I had a dog training thing. DH has made dinner. I've eaten mine alone in the garden asI'm not sitting at home he table with them so nice to each other and excusing me.

DS has eaten his dinner, put his plate in the dishwasher and left the room. It's full of clearing up, which I would normally do, but I'm thinking well if you act like a selfish sod in this house you get treated better. So I just want to leave it.

I'm probably wrong, but the "you alright mate" from DH to DS, in an overly loud nice tone for me to hear is really pushing my buttons.

What the fuck do I do?

Not our first dog, but isn't she a beauty!

She's bringing me so much joy at the moment.

I am really sad at the moment, thank you for your empathy.

This is one of those bonkers threads

I can almost guarantee if she does nothing no one will give a shit. They don’t care if they live in a mess with flies buzzing around. OP does. So she’s punishing herself.

Up the rent - yeah right. He’ll happily hand that over?

If he doesn’t, throw him out? How? Physically?

You understand.

Beautiful pup ❤️

Nope. Find some adverts for a nice little place, circle them, and pack YOURSELF a bag.

This…I’ve had this behaviour from men in the past, hateful to me, whilst lovely to their friends as if they have behaved nicely…is sickening.
I liked the idea about removing yourself to a hotel, and leaving them to it

1. Divorce your DH - unless he’s lovely ALL the rest of the time, he sounds like a knob.
2. Cry. Sit and wait for them to come in a room together and just be sadly crying. Make them feel guilty for making you feel left out.
3. Tell them every time a dish is left out more than an hour it’s going in the bin. Same with clothes on floor, towels, etc. and do just that. Just chuck it all away each time.
4. Wonder whether the mess is really that bad. If it’s like the kitchen’s imploded, fine. If it’s a plate with crumbs on it and a cup/smoothie jug is it really that bad? People see mess differently-one person will see a dirty cup and freak out and another person won’t even notice it. He might not be doing it to be disrespectful, he might genuinely just not think of it as real “mess” iyswim.
5. have a rational conversation and say YOU see that as too messy and, as it is your house, you feel sad about that level of mess. (Your husband has kind of wrecked this though as he’s enabling)

these are the main options

Can I also say, and I don’t know what your relationship with this house is, but I lived in a house my whole life…then I went to uni etc lived away for some years. Moved back in in my twenties and my mother kept telling me it was “her house”. It gutted me. I grew up there. I always felt it was my HOME. And she took that away and made it feel like a place I was a guest in. (And an inconvenient guest at that) Now I know people have different feelings about adult children but, honestly, before that I’d always felt I had a ‘place’ in the world, a home. Somewhere I could go and be myself.

Maybe your son isn’t as neat as you but maybe he just thought he was at home.

Might not apply in this situation just playing devil’s advocate.

We had a lodger who used to leave all his empty stuff around the living room, pizza boxes, cups etc. We asked him to clear up and he'd be yeah yeah and not do it. So I would just gather up all his rubbish and put it on his bed. I think he moved out fairly soon afterwards.
Can you speak to your dh alone and explain how his behaviour has made you feel? He's probably got caught up with having his ds home again that he can't see what is happening. Maybe find some 2 bed flats for them to share so they can leave it how they want🤔

Your DH is the issue here.

Know that he is happy to throw you under the bus to keep pandering to your aggressive son (no wonder he is like that with such a lightweight parent in your DH).

Know that your DH doesn’t care about you or your feelings. He is more concerned about avoiding any of his own discomfort.

Down tools in everything - shopping, cleaning, cooking, laundry.

Let your DH carry all of the logical consequences of his choices. He will have to keep clearing up after DS.

Then detach yourself emotionally from your DH - he doesn’t deserve your respect, care or trust because it isn’t reciprocated.

This is very painful place to be - it’s got nothing to do with washing up - it’s a much deeper reflection of where you are in your DH priorities.

He will clear up rather than deal with DS, that's the issue.

Then you need to tell him that his a spineless, pathetic little man that can't stand up to his son who is treating you both with disrespect. Make it less about your son and more about him and his failings as a father/man

Yep.

Men are inherently weak with stuff like this - they want an easy life and want to be "mates" but this is not good enough. I would start with your H on his own and say to him calmly 😉 " how are we going to get around this issue?" and see what he suggests. He will flounder and CBA so hopefully he will say yup you are right and I will speak to him. How long is your son home for? Every friend I know who has had sons and daughters agree that there is an age when they need to be gone out of the house for everyone's sake. This pissing about with food and stuff and not conforming to timetables pisses me off to and yes the all day cooking that seems to ensue. It's your house, you pay the bills and you are entitled to some kind of normality. My SS is currently living at home with his mother and not communicating and not talking - there is no way he would be doing that in my house.

@DFOD you have just summed it up perfectly! Jesus talk about nail on the head.

Thank you.

Tes Op you have two men who don’t give a shit and are basically hanging up on you. What a horrible way to treat you!

Id have a chat with DH when you’re feeling ok and tell him how hurt you are by the way he’s treating you. If he doesn’t care then you have a very serious decisions to make.

Agree.

But I suspect this was the parenting history throughout and now it’s all come back to haunt the OP.

Tell them both to fuck off.

I'm biased but she is! She was fabulous at training today!

She's the light of my life at the moment, I just couldn't move out without her.

You're not 'probably wrong'.

You're definitely right!

Your DS is a lazy, entitled shit, and your DH is the same and is teaching him 'the ways'.

Stop doing EVERYTHING.

Apart from the puppy, obv.

Stop cleaning, stop cooking, stop clearing up. Let them learn how to do it.

The little shits. Neither of them respect you.

Yes stop ordering or buying food as well!

what rent is he paying? if he treats his own Mum like a skivvy then he'll have a big shock should he ever decide to settle down with a partner....there's not as many women these days who are prepared to play wifey anymore to slobbish men.

You have a husband problem. I'm not a fan of all this very female passive aggression.

You need to tell him clearly that you expect a proper talk, that until that talk happens you'll not be involving yourself in domestic stuff, and meanwhile, seriously consider whether this man is a friend to you.

You're right, I can't do it tonight, I'm very tired and emotional after such a stressful weekend. But tomorrow I'll be in work mode, I'll have purpose and drive and I'll tell him then.

Thank you.

The thing is DH is not a slob at all! Bizarre!

Oh OP, what a shitty situation. If it was just your DS not pulling his weight, you could tell him to leave and hope he grew up a bit.

But your DH treating you with such little respect is another thing altogether. Presumably you've been together for over 30 years - has he always been like this?