Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm probably wrong but so angry

315 replies

Outoforder2 · 31/07/2022 17:48

So my DS has moved back home, he is so lazy! He's 28, his flat with mates came to the end of his tenancy.

I made it clear when he moved back he had to abide by the rules, clear up etc. it's not happening.

As an example DH and I normally cook Sunday lunch together, we did last week. It's hot and we were having trouble with flies, DSi is dreadful for leaving stuff out, not cleaning the worktops so it attracts them more.

We cleared up after Sunday lunch, said to DS, make sure if you cook anything extra you clear up etc.

Came down Monday to the plate the leftover Ed meat was on, left so I hat attracts flies, he'd made a shake thing, machine, dirty cup, dirty machine all left out.

He was at work monday and I was out in the evening. Told DH, he just shrugs.

Tuesday evening, I said to DS, look we agreed don't leave stuff out etc. as always he's aggressive and defensive, ended in the usual row. So I said to DH, you could've backed me (he never ever does), he just barks at me, you're just trying to cause a row.

So he's not spoken to me all week, he's being super nice to DS and I'm the outsider. I was out all day today as I had a dog training thing. DH has made dinner. I've eaten mine alone in the garden asI'm not sitting at home he table with them so nice to each other and excusing me.

DS has eaten his dinner, put his plate in the dishwasher and left the room. It's full of clearing up, which I would normally do, but I'm thinking well if you act like a selfish sod in this house you get treated better. So I just want to leave it.

I'm probably wrong, but the "you alright mate" from DH to DS, in an overly loud nice tone for me to hear is really pushing my buttons.

What the fuck do I do?

OP posts:
Emotionalsupportviper · 31/07/2022 20:12

Outoforder2 · 31/07/2022 19:05

At the moment she's just so comforting! I want her beside me in the bed not my bloody DH!

Show quote history

Then take her to bed with you.

If he can indulge his son, you can spoil your girl.

gardenofweedin · 31/07/2022 20:12

He turned down the coffee suggestion, but that doesn't mean you can't tell him you need to talk. Don't give him an option. You must speak. You can do it out of the house or you can do it right there. He can't just shut you down. If he does, that's ultimatum time, imo!

As for your son... Not to rub salt in the wound, but if he's behaving this way (messy against your rules, aggressive to his own mum when pulled up on it) at the age of 28, I'm afraid that he may be beyond all help but the toughest of tough love. Kicking him out to (finally) support himself may be the kick up the rear that he needs. It's time for him to grow up, now, and it's ridiculous of your husband to take his side over yours. (I think I see how your son ended up this way, if this is your husband's parenting style.)

XSnoe · 31/07/2022 20:13

Stop cleaning, stop cooking, stop clearing up. Let them learn how to do it.

Great in theory, not always in reality. Had a friend in similar situation and she did the whole "I'm just going to stop doing any house work". Well, she sent my photos and told me details after 1 month of this...and the place was a tip.

  • Dog hair everywhere (big fluffy dog)
  • Takeaway stuff left on table and sides
  • Bin full and not taken out, rubbish on sides and in shopping bags
  • Sink full of washing up constantly
  • Somehow lost all cutlery apart from one spoon and some butter knifes. She still doesn't know where the rest of the spons and forks went, supposedly in the bin
  • Washing up that was done, not clean
  • Floor unswept/unhoovered/unmopped all month!!
  • Toilet disgusting
  • Amazon delivery type boxes and parcels left anywhere
  • Dog poo in garden
  • Muddy paw prints over floor
  • Piles of washing
  • Piles of clean clothes not put away
  • Bedding all unwashed
  • Rubbish under the sofas, like sweet packets and lint rollers and drink cans
XSnoe · 31/07/2022 20:15

Oh and they also didn't bother recycling anything or looking up what goes in the recylcing themselves, couldn't be bothered, so just shoved any that would fit in the normal bin, and left loads of stuff they thought "might" be recyclable a mess of thrown stuff down the side of the bin and washing machine, just building up

XSnoe · 31/07/2022 20:18

Might add, she said she wouldn't bother replacing the lost forks and spoons and bought her own private spoon and fork just for her.... Her partner hasn't bothered buying anymore, he is still using a fucking spoon for everything....

I don't believe just refusing to do stuff makes them change, as often they don't actually want the standard you want

DFOD · 31/07/2022 20:19

Josie45 · 31/07/2022 19:37

I am debating moving out tbh, just difficult as he works nights and needs the child care and I work in the area now, I dont want him to not be able to work. I still have another property I could move back to but would have to travel a lot further for work, it's hard as if it was just me and him we'd be fine, we get on great without the extra issues.

Show quote history

OMG - it gets worse.

Please know your worth sweetheart.

You are being exploited left, right and centre.

BirmaBrite · 31/07/2022 20:21

He's 28, his flat with mates came to the end of his tenancy.

So did his mates move back in with their parents too or had they got so sick of him, they didn't invite him to join them in the next place ? Because from what you describe I imagine its the latter !

I don't think DH is doing your DS any favours, he is saying to DS, if you do something annoying, and get arsey when its pointed out, I will collude with you and bully the person pointing out your unreasonable behaviour. The main issue with this, other than being a totally shit thing to do to you, is the rest of the world does not have the emotional attachment to DS that he does so don't give a flying fuck and the inevitable repercussions will not be pleasant for DS.

LuluBlakey1 · 31/07/2022 20:23

DH was messy at first, left shoes, trainers, pens, books and books, newspapers, magazines, coffee cups, drinks cans, plates he'd had a sandwich on, t-shirts, everywhere, just wherever he happened to put them down. I was so fed up I started picking the things up and put them next to the bed on his side, on the floor, on his bedside chest of drawers, in the drawers. He didn't even notice at first, then was puzzled by it and eventually twigged when he was finding it difficult to get in and out of bed because of it. We had a conversation.
He stopped. We still have books in places by him but nothing else.

Saucepanwarrior · 31/07/2022 20:26

I wonder how your son will treat his future partner.

DFOD · 31/07/2022 20:27

Josie45 · 31/07/2022 19:37

I am debating moving out tbh, just difficult as he works nights and needs the child care and I work in the area now, I dont want him to not be able to work. I still have another property I could move back to but would have to travel a lot further for work, it's hard as if it was just me and him we'd be fine, we get on great without the extra issues.

Show quote history

Don’t move out - move on.

It is not great when it is “just you” - it is never just you - he will always be this rubbish parent and partner who throws you under the bus and exploits you.

He likely targeted you. Do you have your own DCs or are you hoping to start a family with him? If it’s the latter please don’t - he’s a rubbish father and partner and any child deserves more than this.

hobbledyhoy · 31/07/2022 20:29

I think this is less to do with who is clearing up the mess and more to do with the exclusionary behaviour which is a shitty thing to do but quite common.
It sounds like DH is doing the old routine where he and DS are best pals because he knows he can make you feel like shit that way.
If I was you, I wouldn't let him know it upsets you but call him out on how transparent it is, when he realises you know what he's up to and find it pathetic I suspect there might be a bit less of it.

billy1966 · 31/07/2022 20:32

Goldbar · 31/07/2022 19:45

In your shoes, I would throw everything which is left out unwashed and dirty into a big plastic box in the garden and just leave it there. And tell DS that if it's still there at the end of the week, it'll go out and he'll be billed for it.

My friend did this with three messy teens.
Everything was gathered up in black bags and thrown in the garage.

They were leaving stuff on the floor of their bedrooms and all over the house, and her cleaner couldn't hoover etc.

It didn't take long for them to adjust their behaviour when all their random stuff was bagged up and they had to riffle
through a couple of big bags for chargers, shoes, jackets bags etc.

They got the message very quickly that she meant business.

DFOD · 31/07/2022 20:32

XSnoe · 31/07/2022 20:18

Might add, she said she wouldn't bother replacing the lost forks and spoons and bought her own private spoon and fork just for her.... Her partner hasn't bothered buying anymore, he is still using a fucking spoon for everything....

I don't believe just refusing to do stuff makes them change, as often they don't actually want the standard you want

Is she still with this slob? Where is her self worth? Why does she not see how disrespectful this is of her and that she doesn’t need to have a bar so low to live with this level of frustration.

Meraas · 31/07/2022 20:33

Tell DS he needs to be gone by 28 August. In your coldest voice.

It’s your home too and you are allowed not to have disrespectful dickheads in it.

JuneJuly · 31/07/2022 20:34

Ask your DH why, when you & he can stick to the house 'rules', he doesn't expect your adult son to do the same whilst living there.

Tell him that if your son wants to have his own, different rules then he needs to be looking for new accommodation that allows him to live by his own standards.

And if what is actually happening is that, by some unspoken agreement between the two of them, YOUR house rules have changed then to let you know & YOU will look for somewhere else to live where you can continue to live by the standards that you are used to up to now in your shared home.

alwaysmovingforwards · 31/07/2022 20:36

He's 28 ffs!

Tell him in your house it's your way or the highway. And mean it.

Lagertha6 · 31/07/2022 20:36

What a pair of idiots. Leave, do your own. Don't do his washing. Don't do anything for him from now on x

JuneJuly · 31/07/2022 20:37

JuneJuly · 31/07/2022 20:34

Ask your DH why, when you & he can stick to the house 'rules', he doesn't expect your adult son to do the same whilst living there.

Tell him that if your son wants to have his own, different rules then he needs to be looking for new accommodation that allows him to live by his own standards.

And if what is actually happening is that, by some unspoken agreement between the two of them, YOUR house rules have changed then to let you know & YOU will look for somewhere else to live where you can continue to live by the standards that you are used to up to now in your shared home.

Tell DH & DS that for that to happen DS will have to buy you out of the house.

If he can't afford that, fine, but in that case, if he wants to stay he needs to pull his socks up & stop being a disrespectful slob.

Somethingneedstochange · 31/07/2022 20:39

Travelodge allows up to two pet's if house trained. You do pay a bit extra.

LilyMarshall · 31/07/2022 20:40

DFOD · 31/07/2022 18:52

Your DH is the issue here.

Know that he is happy to throw you under the bus to keep pandering to your aggressive son (no wonder he is like that with such a lightweight parent in your DH).

Know that your DH doesn’t care about you or your feelings. He is more concerned about avoiding any of his own discomfort.

Down tools in everything - shopping, cleaning, cooking, laundry.

Let your DH carry all of the logical consequences of his choices. He will have to keep clearing up after DS.

Then detach yourself emotionally from your DH - he doesn’t deserve your respect, care or trust because it isn’t reciprocated.

This is very painful place to be - it’s got nothing to do with washing up - it’s a much deeper reflection of where you are in your DH priorities.

Show quote history

This. Do nothing. You do not accept being spoken to with such disrespect.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 31/07/2022 20:41

I'd be preparing for war.

They're rude and entitled making you the house villain.

Quitelikeit · 31/07/2022 20:44

Menopause?!

winterchills · 31/07/2022 20:44

What babies!! Keep ignoring them and don't lift a finger at all. I would be furious too!

itsgettingweird · 31/07/2022 20:46

This reply has been deleted

This post has been withdrawn by the OP

This.

If your DH is happy to tidy up after him then let him.

If he isn't then he is the one having to say something because it's impacting him.

Just tidy up after yourself.

Do your washing. Do your ironing.

neverbeenskiing · 31/07/2022 20:48

All those telling OP to stop doing any housework to "teach them a lesson", I see where you're coming from but why the hell should OP have to tolerate living in squalor, potentially for weeks on end, for two fully grown adults to take some responsibility?? Even if they do eventually cave in and start cleaning up after themselves, which is by no means guaranteed, the level of resentment and frustration will have become intolerable. OP has already said the most likely outcome is that her DH will clean up after DS, so it does nothing to address her DS's laziness or selfishness but people still keep suggesting it.