I'm probably wrong but so angry

[Outoforder2]

So my DS has moved back home, he is so lazy! He's 28, his flat with mates came to the end of his tenancy.

I made it clear when he moved back he had to abide by the rules, clear up etc. it's not happening.

As an example DH and I normally cook Sunday lunch together, we did last week. It's hot and we were having trouble with flies, DSi is dreadful for leaving stuff out, not cleaning the worktops so it attracts them more.

We cleared up after Sunday lunch, said to DS, make sure if you cook anything extra you clear up etc.

Came down Monday to the plate the leftover Ed meat was on, left so I hat attracts flies, he'd made a shake thing, machine, dirty cup, dirty machine all left out.

He was at work monday and I was out in the evening. Told DH, he just shrugs.

Tuesday evening, I said to DS, look we agreed don't leave stuff out etc. as always he's aggressive and defensive, ended in the usual row. So I said to DH, you could've backed me (he never ever does), he just barks at me, you're just trying to cause a row.

So he's not spoken to me all week, he's being super nice to DS and I'm the outsider. I was out all day today as I had a dog training thing. DH has made dinner. I've eaten mine alone in the garden asI'm not sitting at home he table with them so nice to each other and excusing me.

DS has eaten his dinner, put his plate in the dishwasher and left the room. It's full of clearing up, which I would normally do, but I'm thinking well if you act like a selfish sod in this house you get treated better. So I just want to leave it.

I'm probably wrong, but the "you alright mate" from DH to DS, in an overly loud nice tone for me to hear is really pushing my buttons.

What the fuck do I do?

Chuck the pair of them out😂

Go on strike

I’d get a sling for my arm, tell them I’d tripped over the dog and can’t do anything. Let them take care of you as well as the house

Welcome toy world. I always lose my shit go on strike and retreat for few days not cooking speaking cleaning up. Then things get better then it gets bad and round and round we go. She's moving out soon. I love her but I can't wait

Probably not the best advice … but I’d “lose it” …. Loudly and throwing things at the it of them!

alternatively, get a large box and put everything that need washing up into it, in the garden (garage if you’re feeling kind) and next time he wants a smoothie machine he’ll have to go looking for it!

get yourself a “safe” box for your plate/cup/cutlery and wash them ip
after each and every use. He’ll work it out!

& if hubby is intent on clearing up
after DS, he’ll need to get quicker about it, or go through the box in the garden!

I keep thinking that I’m going to employ a cleaner, and add the cost to the “rent” that my kids pay. Not done it yet, but tonight I’m thinking I really need to do it.

Things got better in my house when I absolutely lost it. Had a meltdown, tantrum, breakdown, whatever you want to call it. Completely irrational and chucked loads of stuff on the floor and just.. had one episode of not being the adult. Then I let myself sit on the sofa and cry for about a week. I stopped trying to be rational and adult. I just let myself indulge in grief for once without any plan.
they got the fright of their lives. They had seen me angry but I was always logically angry, this was pure emotion. It was great. I sobbed non stop for a week. Openly. They all had to get their act together. They all had to look after me.

as I type this I’m wondering if this is what in the olden days women would do when they started to claim illness, and being given Valium all the time. I didn’t do it manipulatively at the time, although why the hell I had a rule about not being manipulative when I was being disrespected I can’t answer.

also if a man lost it in the house we would all be worried about violence.

see; I’m starting to overthink things again. But the point is, that one ‘episode’ of non suppression and not being in charge did change the dynamic: and it’s worth a try. At all events; after you have it you can gauge how much they really care about you after they have been given a shock.

He's 28!

I think I would just have to lose the plot with the pair of them.

Genius! I love this! What happened after you gave it to you DH?!

Your husband is the problem. Not your son. Your son is the way he is because your husband shows him it’s ok to be like that. He treats you with contempt and disrespect because his dad does. I fear for any girl he ends up with… Your husband sounds like a pig. I’m so sorry you are in this situation and I’m so sorry you have nowhere to go and feel so uncomfortable in your own home. I know that feeling way too well. Sending you love and cyber hugs x

I think although DH is clearly the more upsetting issue, I wouldn't be letting your adult DS off the hook either. First off I'd be presenting him with a rent surcharge for not abiding by the conditions of residence, for additional cleaning and the inconvenience and disrespect.

I would also give him a timescale to clean up his act or he will be chucked out and have to figure out a different way to save a deposit. He'll have to couch surf with friends and either p*ss them off with the same slovenly and childish behaviour or shape up his act.

With DH, I would ask him, if DS's friend were staying with you and treating you like this, would he tolerate it? And if not, then why he is tolerating it from someone who is supposed to love you? Is this actually how he thinks you should be treated?

I once read, you get what you tolerate and that was a massive wake up call for me in my psychologically controlling and abusive marriage...I used to think I was empathetic and understanding and eventually I realised I was being treated horrifically actually. Enough of the excuse-making, I had to change otherwise he had zero reason to change.

One thing that did resonate in one argument we had was when I equated his behaviour to something that used to really upset him... "You know when x happens you get really upset and angry? Well that's exactly how I feel when you do x behaviour. I need to you do y instead if you actually care about my feelings. If you don't then that's a different conversation."

The other thing I read... if you're dancing with someone and they step on your toe and hurt you, they apologise and are mortified, they make an effort to do better. If they don't however and keep repeating the same hurtful behaviour, that's actually a conscious choice on their part not to change despite the pain they know it is causing you. You have a choice - to no longer dance with a partner who hurts you repeatedly.

I wish you all the luck, and strength in the world, and enjoy your gorgeous pup. Mine has kept me sane through the most hellish last 2 yrs, even though he taxes my patience as well (lack of in person training during the pandemic was a killer!) x

Why are u cooking and cleaning after two adults ?
just cook and clean after yourself and if they complain mention you are happy to cook for anyone else as long as they meet u half way ( DS cleaning , DH attitude)

If your adult son is being subsidized by living in your house cheaply, you get to set the rules.

When you are feeling more centered, set aside some time with your husband where the two of you will write up a draft rental agreement for your son. That agreement should include things like cleaning up after himself and exactly what that means.

Once the two of you are in agreement, then you set up a time to sit down with your son and go over the draft. I would give it to him in advance for review. Tell him that the spirit isn’t negotiable, but the details can be worked out. He is an adult and you may need to make some adjustments or compromises too. Perhaps you have asked him to cook two nights a week, but instead he wants to offer to do the laundry and maybe that actually works better for everyone.

So is DS 28 and single? He needs to get a grip. What partner would want to be treated that way. And I’m sorry but to be disrespectful and hurtful to his mum somethings gone wrong. I think your DH is being a twat. And it sounds like stupid laddish immature behaviour which he’s encouraging in his son. It’s probably too late for your DH to learn but try and save your son. Seek connection. If he’s immature and childish treat him like a child, by that I mean Find a way to reconnect with him to strengthen your attachment with him. If his connection with you Is fixed he’ll want to help you not cause you pain. Back to basics like you would with a teenager. Go for a walk, do something together and fix that connection with him. Good luck.

Oh blimey have you got a friend you can go and stay with and leave them in their own filth? I would be so, so tempted.

Dump all the dirty dishes in his bed

OP,

I would be thinking of your own future.

Do you really want to be old and subject to the disrespect of these two?

Your husband is not a nice man.

Your son mirrors his ugly father's disrespect for you.

It's very sad but its hard to believe that it's a shock after the age your son is.

Your husbands pallying up with him loudly wasn't childish, it was plain nasty.

Forget his words and focus on his actions.

Living with men like this is not good for your health.

Look seriously at your finances and think about the future you want.

Heading for 60 here and I would not want to be living with and bullied by two men as I age.

Your husband hasn't your back, nor does he love you.

He couldn't love you and be a part of such behaviour.

You need to really plan and look out for yourself.

He was shocked, thought I was considering leaving and was the opening to a frank discussion and things changed a bit. I don't think that he'd realised quite how hard being a SAHM was. Things haven't been plain sailing, as with all relationships, but we're still together over 10 year later.

The email was precipitated by a particularly bad morning school run when I walked out the school gates at 8:50 and thought "My God, I could do with a G&T". 😲 Things had been building up for a long time and the strength of emotion scared me - we're not big drinkers - and I knew something had to change.

@Outoforder2 can totally relate to this my dc is younger than yours and still a teen at school but omg do I feel it's them against me with my OH and dc. when I pull dc up for not doing chores or speaking to me like shit OH always defends and sides with dc. I definitely get the them against me feeling. As parents we are not the United front I thought we would be and it's almost as though OH is too scared to upset dc they are more like best friends rather than parent and child. Can see dcs complete lack of respect for OH as a result calling him fat, old, bald,stupid etc he just ignores it whilst I will back OH up and tell dc off for speaking to their dad like shit. But in reverse if dc speaks to me like shit OH does nothing infact he will side with dc like they are a little gang.
OH and I have had many rows over it, we should present a united front with parenting and disciplining teens but nothing ever changes. I often feel like the outsider too. I totally get how you feel OP.

Well done, I'm so glad he took it seriously and changed for the better.

I wrote my husband (now ex) several long emails and letters to try to effect change and in the end he wasn't willing, didn't really love me or our son, eventually worked out he was a narcissist, and left. In some ways I stayed too long, but in others I'm glad I can genuinely say I fought so hard for my marriage, there was nothing else I could possibly have done.

You seem to be making lots of excuses why you cant do anything about it. AT 28 your son is old enough to be living in a flat. I suggest you tell them both that perhaps they would like to move into a flat/pig sty together and leave you in your nice house.

I was thinking the same. Three years younger than me and I've been keeping a tidy home since I was 23. I wouldn't dream of treating my parents house like that especially if they were doing me a favour

I'm late to the party but I just wanted to say that I really feel for you, OP.

I'm friends with a guy who actually could be your husband. He absolutely idolises his adult child (who is also 28, funnily enough). The DS can't do any wrong. Someone in the street could do something and be called all the names under the sun but if DS did the same then it would be totally acceptable.

My friend regularly puts his own (and his wife's) needs and views to one side in order to pander to DS. Super unhealthy.

Kick him out
Kick your husband out too whilst you're at it.

So an update......

I've followed the same pattern since the "alright mate on Sunday incident".

I do myself a dinner, have a sit in the garden then go to bed and watch iPad etc there. The communication on Monday from DH I ignored, it was shit and in the middle of my working day.

So, I'm having my sit in the garden.

He comes out and says..

DH I'm sorry the way things are.
ME Are you?

It progressed to me saying you're a spineless cunt, he said I'm just trying to keep the peace. I told him his trying to keep the peace was why were in this fucking mess.

I said on Sunday I asked you to talk, you were "too tired", yet in the evening you were saying to DS "alright mate, how was the BBQ yesterday". Why did you do that?

He said because we weren't taking, so effectively he was (as I knew) doing it to upset, belittle me etc.

I said "well you might as well have said your mother is wrong to him"

Lots of things said including me saying "I'm bottom of the list in this home, it's my house and I'm not having it anymore"

He then says, it won't happen again if you give me a chance (fucking pity party!).

I said no, let's turn this around, I may consider trying again if I can see an improvement, up until then our lives continue in this track. If things don't start improving quickly we need to consider our options and moving apart.

I can't throw him out, it's his home too, it's an easy thing to say, but realistically without violence is not feasible.

He's apparently going to speak to DS, go through the rules, explain why he was wrong (he had admitted that), but time will tell.

He's clearing up cooking for them every night, but that was not and never was the problem, the problem is him being so fucking spineless with DS.

Luckily for him, he didn't suggest HRT!