I'm probably wrong but so angry

[Outoforder2]

So my DS has moved back home, he is so lazy! He's 28, his flat with mates came to the end of his tenancy.

I made it clear when he moved back he had to abide by the rules, clear up etc. it's not happening.

As an example DH and I normally cook Sunday lunch together, we did last week. It's hot and we were having trouble with flies, DSi is dreadful for leaving stuff out, not cleaning the worktops so it attracts them more.

We cleared up after Sunday lunch, said to DS, make sure if you cook anything extra you clear up etc.

Came down Monday to the plate the leftover Ed meat was on, left so I hat attracts flies, he'd made a shake thing, machine, dirty cup, dirty machine all left out.

He was at work monday and I was out in the evening. Told DH, he just shrugs.

Tuesday evening, I said to DS, look we agreed don't leave stuff out etc. as always he's aggressive and defensive, ended in the usual row. So I said to DH, you could've backed me (he never ever does), he just barks at me, you're just trying to cause a row.

So he's not spoken to me all week, he's being super nice to DS and I'm the outsider. I was out all day today as I had a dog training thing. DH has made dinner. I've eaten mine alone in the garden asI'm not sitting at home he table with them so nice to each other and excusing me.

DS has eaten his dinner, put his plate in the dishwasher and left the room. It's full of clearing up, which I would normally do, but I'm thinking well if you act like a selfish sod in this house you get treated better. So I just want to leave it.

I'm probably wrong, but the "you alright mate" from DH to DS, in an overly loud nice tone for me to hear is really pushing my buttons.

What the fuck do I do?

You need to tell your son that this isn't working for you anymore and he needs to find somewhere else to live. I really feel for you. What a bloody useless husband and a really useless son you have.

Going against the grain slightly here...could it be you are treating your grown DS like a kid, so he's therefore reverting? Did he manage to keep his flat ok when he moved out?

I moved back home as an adult for a short period and my DM essentially just hated having me back in her space but didn't want to say it. E.g. She'd never shown me how to work a washing machine etc, I worked it out for myself when I moved out, but if I dared put a wash on I'd get moaned at or passive aggressive comments about using too much powder or the wrong setting (she only ever boiled washed everything). If I did a wash with whatever else was in the basket, it was wrong. If I did a wash for just my stuff, I was selfish. On my day off I'd hoovered the house, cleaned the bathroom and made dinner for everyone. When she came home she stormed off because I'd made a different meal than she had planned for that night. She was queen of passive aggressive and kept trying to get my step dad and brother on side, and when they didn't she'd give us all the silent treatment and tell everyone else who listened how awful we all were to her.

Its really difficult when adult children return home after having been away. Would it be worth asking him to pay for a cleaner to take the worlload off you.mthats what I would do. Rather than nag which never helps as one who knows.

I am debating moving out tbh, just difficult as he works nights and needs the child care and I work in the area now, I dont want him to not be able to work. I still have another property I could move back to but would have to travel a lot further for work, it's hard as if it was just me and him we'd be fine, we get on great without the extra issues.

Do you think you are a bit jealous of the attention DH gives to DS?

How about a schedule where everyone takes on the responsibilities?

Daily - take turns making family meals, that includes cooking and clearing up after any community meal as well as taking the trash out.

Twice a week - vacuuming floors and cleaning the bathroom.

The order should be as follows: YOU, followed by the son then the husband. If son doesn't do the chore, he will be leaving it for the father, not YOU.

On the days son doesn't do the work, you should NOT sit home and fret over the mess, you should treat yourself to a nice visit with a friend or quiet lunch out BY YOURSELF. The mess will be left for DH, that should get him willing to insist DH do his part.

Just an idea, but since OP posted that DH does his share, it may just work.

If not, it's time for son to move out.

I am furious on your behalf, OP.

Having read all your subsequent posts I honestly had to go back to your OP to check I hadn't misread your DS's age. I couldn't believe you were talking about a grown man of 28 years rather than a teenager! I have several male colleagues younger than your DS who are responsible, mature, some of them fathers themselves, and I cannot imagine any of them behaving in this way.

Yes, you have a DH problem in that he is choosing to ignore the fact that your DS's behaviour is making you unhappy to avoid having a difficult conversation. That's cowardly, and you deserve better. BUT your DS is a grown man now, and far too old for his behaviour to be blamed on his Dad's reluctance to tell him off. He is an adult making a conscious choice to treat your home, and by extension you, like shit and either he is so self involved he hasn't noticed the impact on you or he doesn't care. Your DH is being weak in this instance but IMO that doesn't necessarily mean that he "doesn't care about you" as others have said. Some people absolutely cannot handle confrontation. I'm not excusing him, he's been a twat without question, but assuming you were getting along well before DS returned and started coming between you, I wouldn't plan to LTB until you've at least had a chance to talk this out properly.

You need to sit DH down and tell him exactly how you've been feeling since DS came back and tell him what you've told us, that if it weren't for the puppy you'd have seriously considered walking out because you're being made to feel like an outsider in your own home. Your DS needs to stand on your own two feet and DH needs to stand up for you. If nothing changes after that talk then it becomes a much more serious conversation because you can't go on living like this.

In your shoes, I would throw everything which is left out unwashed and dirty into a big plastic box in the garden and just leave it there. And tell DS that if it's still there at the end of the week, it'll go out and he'll be billed for it.

I do think all involved are being unreasonable. You’re like 20% unreasonable and the other two are 80%.

From your part, I feel like this isn’t something the family needs to stop speaking over?

You’re a grown adult and should be able to handle conflict and negotiation without things spilling over like this. Did you come across in a reasonable manner when you raised this or did your son think you were nagging him? Is it possible you might be a bit anal, is there a compromise to be made? EG why is it a big deal if your husband cleans up instead of your son, it’s still clean and you get to WFH in peace?

Your son sounds like a bummy loser that does need to learn for himself, yes, but to me your husband is trying to stifle the argument by doing it himself. Obviously you’d prefer it if he took your side and made your son realise he needs to change.

This.so often people say wait til your calm.but and I no it’s mostly when there is love there breaking down,being emotional and losing your absolute shot can actually make others stand still and go oh shit.
the ops are often calm.often don’t stand up,let the others go,walk over them etc.but if they actually screamed,cried and showed the hurt surely family would react accordingly.

Would you actually? How OTT - it’s a good way to get your family to cut you off.

Actually I've done similar to my DH before when he was going though a messy stage. Just chucked everything into a box on the back porch. He was a bit cross, but the behaviour stopped.

And it removes the mess from view.

“I do not clear up after other adults.

My time is no less important than yours.

Treat me as you would like to be treated yourselves.

Or co-habiting with me won’t work.

Your choice.

If you choose to not co-habit with me - you need to find somewhere else to live."

That sounds really crap op, I sympathise. However, he may have really missed your DS and is just happy to have him home and doesn't mind picking up after him.

It doesn't excuse his behaviour against you though.

I would let your DH pick up after DS though.

Has your son always been like that? How is your DH generally with you?

@Goldbar yes I would absolutely do this too if ‘normal talking’ doesn’t work.

It’s about respect for other people’s boundaries and in a shared house, everyone needs to do their bit. It doesn’t work otherwise.

It saves 'nagging' too (though I hate that term!). Having these conversations over and over again is exhausting. I'm not sure it works either... at some point, they just zone you out.

Having to sort through piles of his own crap to find the thing he wanted stopped my DH leaving things around. Not having to look at all the crap saved my sanity.

Do you know why?

Neither of them respect you

i’d bloody well move out, if my DH did not speak to me for week!!!

💯

This.

Look after yourself and your dog. No cooking, no washing, no clearing up after them.

Let those two lazy fluffers sort themselves out.

I'd say chick your son back out but your DH obviously supports him, so that would be a non-starter.

I wouldn't leave the pup with them either.

If they won't clear up after themselves they won't bother looking after her.

That is just horrible. Yes, just leave their shit, and yours too. This IS a hill to die on. In this case (and I’m a clean freak) I would fucking welcome the flies with open arms!

So disrespectful of your dh. Your son's behaviour is off as well, but your dh stirring the shit like this is appalling 💐

Is that a doberman? 😍😍😍

You hardly ever see them now - what a beautiful girl!

Get in the sea.