I'm probably wrong but so angry

[Outoforder2]

So my DS has moved back home, he is so lazy! He's 28, his flat with mates came to the end of his tenancy.

I made it clear when he moved back he had to abide by the rules, clear up etc. it's not happening.

As an example DH and I normally cook Sunday lunch together, we did last week. It's hot and we were having trouble with flies, DSi is dreadful for leaving stuff out, not cleaning the worktops so it attracts them more.

We cleared up after Sunday lunch, said to DS, make sure if you cook anything extra you clear up etc.

Came down Monday to the plate the leftover Ed meat was on, left so I hat attracts flies, he'd made a shake thing, machine, dirty cup, dirty machine all left out.

He was at work monday and I was out in the evening. Told DH, he just shrugs.

Tuesday evening, I said to DS, look we agreed don't leave stuff out etc. as always he's aggressive and defensive, ended in the usual row. So I said to DH, you could've backed me (he never ever does), he just barks at me, you're just trying to cause a row.

So he's not spoken to me all week, he's being super nice to DS and I'm the outsider. I was out all day today as I had a dog training thing. DH has made dinner. I've eaten mine alone in the garden asI'm not sitting at home he table with them so nice to each other and excusing me.

DS has eaten his dinner, put his plate in the dishwasher and left the room. It's full of clearing up, which I would normally do, but I'm thinking well if you act like a selfish sod in this house you get treated better. So I just want to leave it.

I'm probably wrong, but the "you alright mate" from DH to DS, in an overly loud nice tone for me to hear is really pushing my buttons.

What the fuck do I do?

Have read the thread OP. You have got some good advice, hat DH is the problem.

Hope you get a decent nights sleep and wake up tomorrow ready to face this head on. Good luck with that, MN are behind you !

meantime, give that gorgeous pup a big hug, they are such a comfort and she is beautiful 😍

Your pup is gorgeous, hugs for the other shit

They are both in the wrong and yes - your DH should be standing up for you. (This is for you but also for the good of DS.)

No wonder you feel hurt and miserable.

House-sharing only works if you are all in agreement about how domestic life is to be run.

There are a number of things you could do:

-You could carry on serving the household and feeling like a martyr . (Please don't.)

-However, the easiest would be to follow your DH's new house rules: channel your inner DS when looking over the mess/flies etc. and simply stand back. (You are away from responsibility even if you are present.)

You can be sweet and sunny (Encourage your DS to feel at home and leave things about. Do the same yourself.) Don't be the mean one. Let your DH look after you both.

For this week it is not your kitchen and not your responsibility. Don't feel irritated by the mess - be firm that it is nothing to do with you. Treat it like a shared student-kitchen.

At the moment she's just so comforting! I want her beside me in the bed not my bloody DH!

Good luck, OP. I hope you can be assertive enough to get it sorted out.

In your shoes, I would indeed be considering whether the marriage is worth continuing. The lack of respect is devastating.

Your pup is lovely.

Your DH and DS? Not so much.

I’d be looking after me and the pup and leaving them to it.

It is a bloody shame you aren’t allowed to crate train the men in your house.

I had that. Hard working, domesticated DP who was great as parenting until teenage years ... let the DCs run all over him, never backed me up, I absolutely hear the "you'll alright mate?" Comment omg it used to make me rage. I became the family villain. OP, I ended up leaving, just walked out in the biggest rage ever. I'd done anger management courses, therapy blah blah all because I was the bad person who expected too much and was always having a go blah blah. Like fuck.

4 years on, I'm happy as a sand boy, my ex lives with our adult DS who does nothing as per usual and oh there is pleasure hearing my ex moan to me (we're great friends now) about what a lazy sod our DS is.

I am sorry about the profound disrespect your DH is showing. It’s not so much about dirty dishes or buggering off to a Premier Inn for a few days but being disrespected, undermined and ganged up against in your own home. You suggested a coffee out of the house to talk it through with DH but he didn’t feel like going out.

I think you need to speak with DH - set a time for the two of you, out of the house, if you can, and tell him how he is making you feel. If you cry / go to pieces, he will see first hand how you’re feeling.

I don’t think your ds is the problem here - a problem certainly, but the real issue is with your dh.

What has your relationship been like generally? Is there a history of unkindness and disrespect?

Yes you're right!

The problem is also having been told "I'm too tired to go for a coffee", I don't want to approach again. It was like yet another disrespect to me (I'm getting angry now), I don't know when he would "crack" and say we need to talk but whenever it is I fell like saying "I'm too tired", but that sets up a whole nightmare cycle.

Definite DH issue!

I would do it while emotional. Lose my fucking shit. Scream at them both what disgusting, selfish, nasty pieces of shit they are.

All the dirty stuff would get thrown on your DSs bed, DH would be told to man the fuck up or ship the fuck out because this passive bullying was NOT what I signed up for when I married him and DS would be told to get out of my fucking house and don't come back except to get his things.

Then I'd probably burst into tears, take the dog and walk out with the warning that if I come back and if the house isn't clean, DH isn't remorseful and DS isn't gone, I would put him out the fucking door myself and DH could piss off with him.

It’s man games, sexist behaviour. Do not do a thing for either of them. If the mess in the kitchen gets too much scoop it all into a box and dump it on DS bed.
Could you and the dog go to stay with a friend for a few days?

And the best thing to do is just smile at them, don’t speak, offer nothing, just smile—- it freaks them out.

YANBU I would speak to both of them and say all you’re asking is that he cleans up after himself and it’s not fair that an adult is making your life more difficult when actually he should be helping around the house more and making your life easier.

But from now on the cleaning is up to them as you tried to be reasonable.

I wouldn’t be having my dinner else where etc and I would have no bad feelings and carry on like this didn’t happen - but I’d be doing no cleaning.

I have to say, I disagree with the son not being a problem.

He is fine with his mam feeling upset and excluded in her own home.

Every bit as much of an invertebrate as the dh.

He must know it has gone too far and hasn’t addressed it. I couldn’t stand by and watch my mam hurting.

They are both to blame for the OP feeling like she does. It only takes one of them to put an end to it.

HRTFT, just the OP’s posts.

I trust the “child” is paying a realistic amount of rent/board now he’s in your home again?

Throw your pathetic husband out of your bedroom.
Put a lock on one of the rooms that you need a study for.
Leave these disgusting people to it.
Ask your DH and son to move out.
Your husband does not love you and obviously does not respect you.
You will have a better life on your own with your dog.

your dh is a knob not saying your son isnt but hes learning from him

why is he so disrectful to you in your own house has he always been like this

@Josie45

Your life is worse than the OP's.
A slave to someone else's kids.
You do yourself a favour and move out and look after yourself.
I do hope you don't run around after your partner and his kids.

I would be incandescent with my husband in your situation, total deal breaker.

That he would stand by and have you so disrespected is marriage ending.

I have varying amounts of laziness here which irritates the hell out of me but after nearly 30 years of marriage my husband knows that I am not one to be disrespected.

Are you happily married generally?
Because its hard to imagine you are with that level of disrespect.

Do you really want to remain married?

Because I certainly wouldn't want to living with either of them.

How are your finances?

Because leaving them to it and renting a flat would be top of my list in the face of such disrespect.

I'm so sorry, so upsetting for you.

I’ll be honest here, you have a communication issue with your husband. The issues with your son are a red herring.
I had this with my teen daughter, she’d be doing, or not doing, stuff and I’d try to talk to her and instead of backing me up or talking to me about it quietly if he didn’t agree my “D”H would always take her side and try to make me look uptight about stuff.
Since we split, my relationship with my DD has improved immensely and she’s even said “Mum you are so much more chill now Dads not here.”

He just used it as a way of undermining and belittling me and trying to make himself the popular parent. He’s still doing it now, but the kids all know who is really there for them!
I’d see this situation as symptomatic of trouble in your marriage and try to work on that. The plate left out etc isn’t a huge deal but him ignoring you and making you feel so disrespected in your own home really is!

I’d ask your DH how much he values your marriage. His pathetic enabling behaviour needs to change. In fact, if he isn’t prepared to stand with you I’d tell him to fuck off and be speaking to an estate agent to put the house on the market. You can’t live and work like this so something has to change.

I get it.
In my case my DHbacks me up; our problem is DS had depression a couple of years ago and it's like treading on eggshells. No solutions, just

I have had the same argument (several blazing rows) with Dh about clearing ds’s room (older teen)

I asked Dh what exactly he was teaching Ds. What did he think that Ds would take from this. That he can make a mess and someone will come along and clear it

I think you are being bullied in your own home.

Is your Dh not very bright or doesn’t he think of the future.
Ds isn’t going to stay around being his best bud for the rest of his life bullying you

Ds will be gone once a girl comes on the scene. By that time you might not want to stick around with someone who has been so awful to you.

I love your pup. So beautiful

Your husband is the biggest problem here, not your son, your husband is clearly disrespecting you, disregarding you and ignoring you which is not okay In itself in any situation, but doing it in front of your son is teaching your son that it's okay to treat you this way, it's also teaching your son that it's okay to treat any future partner of his this way. None of this is acceptable.

Am I correct I'm thinking you maybe just back down when they both come at you?

Don't back down, firstly have a chat privately with your husband and tell him how you expect to be treated, make yourself heard. Then both of you sit your son down and tell him BOTH of your expectations if he is going to be living on your house as an adult. He by no means has to abide by any of them, but if that's the case then he is free to find somewhere else to live.

If they continue to treat you the way they currently are and your husband refuses to adjust his behaviour then I'd seriously consider the relationship, nobody deserves that kind of treatment, it's never okay and it is damaging.