To leave a friendship group

[TwinkleTwinkleSeren]

I am part of a friendship group, there’s five of us including me. I have posted before about feeling excluded, a discovery of an extra WhatsApp group that I’m not a part of etc.

Seeking some advice on whether I am right to feel as hurt as I do -

last night we all met for a coffee and a walk along the beach. It’s one of the girls milestone birthdays in a few weeks and one of the other girls turned up with a bag of gifts for her. On the gift tag the gift was signed from the other 3 girls, I knew nothing about it. It was a beautiful, thoughtful gift, handmade by one of the girls. I was so embarrassed that my name was left off and that I knew nothing of this. A few weeks earlier I had mentioned what we were going to do/get for a present and said I was very happy to chip in with a bigger item. My friend agreed and not much more was said. This has left me feeling completely shit, I was so embarrassed to just sit there with nothing to give, I almost walked off but didn’t want to make a scene.

Theres been similar instances where I’ve been excluded but nothing quite so obvious.

I am on the fringes of the group, the only one with kids, I live far away and can rarely get out to see them all (I am a parent carer to a disabled child).

Feel like this group is making me very unhappy and I would be better off leaving it.

Who does that? I'm glad they seemed to have realised what a shit thing it was they did and were a bit shamefaced.

That said, they do sound pretty immature and enthralled to their group dynamics and as you have MUCH bigger things to worry about, I think I would just start slowly fading out.

Do you have any hobbies? I know it's really hard when you are a carer, but your DH sounds lovely and I'm sure if there was an evening or weekend morning you could take to yourself that he'd try to facilitate it. Not like going to the gym or something solo, but like joining a running club or crafting circle. There's lots of hobby groups that meet over Zoom now too, plenty of new friendships form that way too!

I was part of a group of old school friends, and felt that things happened that I wasn't included in. It just made me feel crap, so I backed out without drama. They didn't try to stay in touch, and I realised that I was just the "pity" member of the group. It did my mental health far more good not to be around them.

Walk away, OP, and hold your head high. There are lots of decent people out there, don't waste your time and energy on people who aren't. I wouldn't say anything, I think they'll just justify their actions with each other.

You won't get shit. You know that, we know that. I would really have a think about your self esteem issues and what you are modelling for your kids. If you're not included in the benefits of being their friend, why would you accept the parts that put you out?

If it were me, I would get your friend a gift yourself, just from you. I think you were right not to make a scene as it clearly wasn’t the birthday girls fault as she I assume didn’t know about it either, but I would definitely message the others and ask why they didn’t include you, especially when you were asking about arranging a gift as a group. It doesn’t sound like you are getting much out of the friendship so I’d stop bothering

I sympathise as it happened to me earlier this year. Small group of friends that did a regular activity together. Some I’ve known 15+yrs through other things and thought we were very close. One of my friends who I’d known for a long time and supported through a lot and vice versa was getting married. Lots of chat about logistics re lockdown and pandemic, what to do etc. When it came to it, the celebrations happened over a couple of months earlier this year, as they got legally married when only a tiny number could be in attendance during the first year of the pandemic. I was left out of everything this year; the hen night, separate hen day for those without evening childcare and then the wedding blessing and evening function that was all incredibly family friendly. Also discovered that people I was incredibly close to that weren’t part of this group but knew in other capacities were also invited.
Friendships spoilt as I can’t move on from it and have walked away. No idea whether they know how much it’s hurt me, as I hate confrontation and am too lacking in self confidence to confront any of them. I no longer participate in the activity with them and am cordial when I see any of them, but don’t choose to be with them.
I’m a bit lonely if I’m honest and finding new friends in your late 40s is hard.

I could have written your post almost word for word.

I think covid has meant some seismic shifts in friendship groups.

Chin up. Better being lonely for a bit than being treated like crap by people you don't actually get on with.

Do that, but don’t say that you are very upset. It’s on them, so don’t talk about yourself. Tell them that it was very unkind to leave you out when you made it clear you wanted to chip in. It’s only on them.

Exactly this, plus they’ll end up doing the same to each other one day - leave before it gets more toxic

Please do not contact them. I think it is useless to carry on with this group, they are not friends.
Instead, look for other people in the same situation as you, near to where you live. Put a note on your town’s Facebook page or similar, for a meet-up in the park or join those that are already there. You definitely have knowledge which can help others and they can help you. These people will respect you for what you are worth, an upstanding citizen.

For me, the best revenge is a life well lived. I would personally keep in contact with these people but start to label them in your heads as acquaintances rather than friends. Be pleasant but don't check the group chat often, maybe once a week or less. Start declining meet-ups, say you're booked up but hopefully next time you'll be able to see them. Then take comfort in your lovely family and start making a few new friends closer to home.

You'll realise how small their world and their outlook is after a while and you'll question why you ever cared about their petty little games. They'll eventually realise that you're not the doormat they thought they could bully and exclude in order to feel safe within these toxic friendship dynamics.

Was in the exact same position as you in January. 6 of us in total, separate WhatsApp group me and another 2 girls weren't part of.

Felt like a constant competition and always felt on the outside.

So I sacked the 3 of them off.

Friends with the other 2 still and we remain close.

Sometimes friend group chats are toxic and take up far too much time.

Been so much happier since I removed them from my life.

Actually bumped into one of them a few weeks ago. Slightly awkward but we're pleasant to one another.

Feels shit but you'll be better in the long run xxx

I’d just remove myself from the WhatsApp group and move on.

That's horrible, OP.

If you have really decided to ditch these people and burn your bridges, I would calmly tell them exactly why. Just keep it simple and non-emotional. At the very least it might shake their self-images as being 'kind'. Or frame your grievances as questions to unsettle them.

You say you are going to contact the recipient of the gift, but I would copy the others in so that the whole pantomime is out in the open. Perhaps they haven't told her that they deliberately excluded you from the process - so leave her in no doubt about that.

Don't tell them how awful they've made you feel - just say that you find their behaviour immature, unkind and deceitful and you no longer wish to be in touch with them. If they are the 'be kind' crowd, this will be a bit of a blow, hopefully.

Good luck and I hope you will find some nicer mates.

*The problem with disengaging and going silent is that will read it as op sulking and flouncing. They have the opportunity to turn this around to being op’s ‘issues’ - suddenly it will be rewritten that they didn’t leave you out, you left yourself out.

Do not let them do this. I have seen it many times*

but even if op confronts they'll still turn it around as being her 'issues', if you confront a group you'll never get decency, you'll be gaslit. Strength in numbers and all that.

Not pathetic but you are certainly not very kind to yourself.

Not good for your children to see you used either.

They are not your friends, so stop doing things for them.

"That doesn't suit me" and "That doesn't work for me" are the stock answers to use and don't reply to any further queries.

No one needs CF users in their lives.

Ah, but that’s the point. It’s not easy to argue with the truth. It’s not easy having someone shine a spot light on your shitty behaviour. If nothing else it will raise questions about integrity and honesty. But really who gives a shit what they do or don’t learn - their evolution if not op’s problem.

Op needs to leave this group in a way that makes HER feel intact, this is her journey and not theirs any longer. They are no longer passengers in op’s life. She should do exactly what she needs to do to feel closure, self respect and dignity.

No if they’re of the ‘ be kind’ crew they’ll all say OP is being unkind and how hard they’ve tried to include her and how hurt they are etc etc etc. Very dull script when you call out someone for being selfish

Totally get you on this one, I had a few similar experiences with 'friends', so I blocked the lot of them, haven't missed them... got on with my life, haven't looked back

100% agree with this.

@ProfessorofCunning that must have been so upsetting. Good on you for distancing yourself and moving on.

@KyaClark you need to immediately become less helpful. Say you are happy to help with school runs as part of a rota only. advise people you will no longer be dog sitting. No explanation of why required.

I'm guessing that if you have known them for 25 years, you are now 30 (you mentioned a landmark birthday coming up) or maybe even 40 and these are friends you had from school.

IME it's quite unusual for friendships made at age 5 to continue in the same spirit decades later as people change so much.

I know it's maybe semantics, but saying a 'friendship group' comes over as a bit 'young' (it's a teen expression) as most adults would say 'a group of friends I've known since primary school' or 'people in my network'.

I'd accept that your lives are not compatible now, you've all changed, and it's clear it's not working for you now.

Have you decided whether to message them or just step away?

Neither is right or wrong- all depends on what works for you.

This post is from almost a year ago but was so helpful to me to sort out a similar toxic friendship dynamic. The more I read it became obvious that I need to remove myself from the toxic group. I also realized they have been using me in subtle ways to strengthen their shallow relations between each other. No more.