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AIBU?

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Original poster

To leave a friendship group

223 replies

TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 30/07/2022 12:30

I am part of a friendship group, there’s five of us including me. I have posted before about feeling excluded, a discovery of an extra WhatsApp group that I’m not a part of etc.

Seeking some advice on whether I am right to feel as hurt as I do -

last night we all met for a coffee and a walk along the beach. It’s one of the girls milestone birthdays in a few weeks and one of the other girls turned up with a bag of gifts for her. On the gift tag the gift was signed from the other 3 girls, I knew nothing about it. It was a beautiful, thoughtful gift, handmade by one of the girls. I was so embarrassed that my name was left off and that I knew nothing of this. A few weeks earlier I had mentioned what we were going to do/get for a present and said I was very happy to chip in with a bigger item. My friend agreed and not much more was said. This has left me feeling completely shit, I was so embarrassed to just sit there with nothing to give, I almost walked off but didn’t want to make a scene.

Theres been similar instances where I’ve been excluded but nothing quite so obvious.

I am on the fringes of the group, the only one with kids, I live far away and can rarely get out to see them all (I am a parent carer to a disabled child).

Feel like this group is making me very unhappy and I would be better off leaving it.

OP posts:
RenegadeMatron · 30/07/2022 13:19

Festoonlights · 30/07/2022 13:08

The problem with disengaging and going silent is that will read it as op sulking and flouncing. They have the opportunity to turn this around to being op’s ‘issues’ - suddenly it will be rewritten that they didn’t leave you out, you left yourself out.

Do not let them do this. I have seen it many times .
Throw light and truth into it. Call them out and they can’t then lie and blame it on your strops.

You have nothing at all left to lose.

You will find out if you have any real friends in the midst by doing this op.

I’ve said to silently leave the group without messaging, but this does make sense.

OP - I think you will know yourself which is the best path to take.

SunshineAndFizz · 30/07/2022 13:19

100% you should message them and ask why they didn't include you - especially since you were going to be there when they opened the present.

You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about - they should be ashamed of themselves treating someone like that.

People shouldn't act like shits and just get off scott free without having to explain themselves. Point her on the spot and ask!

DayOfNight · 30/07/2022 13:19

Please don’t take it personally, they sound like nasty people. If you are a nice person yourself, it can be difficult to comprehend that there are people who can actually act like this. It’s not you that has the problem, it’s them. Remove yourself from the group and don’t look back

Allicando · 30/07/2022 13:20

Friends are supposed to enrich your life, these people arent. Sack them off op they are not worth the brain space x

CuriousCatfish · 30/07/2022 13:21

If you don't say anything, you will wish you had. No need to go in all guns blazing, just let the birthday girl know you were left out and no longer feel part of the group.

Then move on.

2pinkginsplease · 30/07/2022 13:21

I wouldn’t want to be part of that friendship group and I wouldn’t go quietly either. I’m not usually one for drama but they were incredibly rude.

id message saying hope the birthday girl had a lovely evening and you are sorry that you hadn’t been included in the gift as no one had asked you and this isn’t the first time it’s happened. Wish them well for their friendship but say you are taking a step back as friends don’t treat people like that.

Festoonlights · 30/07/2022 13:23

You have two choices:

  1. Be silent: they get to choose the narrative and ‘what happened’ to poor old op.

  2. Be dignified and tell the truth: You expose their disgusting treatment of you and hold up a mirror before walking away.

Only option 2 will keep your self respect and esteem in place. It also offers true closure.

It doesn’t matter if you have a 1000 friends or none, don’t be anyone’s fall guy. You are being used for their entertainment purposes and satisfaction. Insecure women that enjoy playing playground games because their lives are dull and uneventful.
You are literally the only adult in the room op

wedonttalkaboutyouno · 30/07/2022 13:23

What a horrid group of friends. I’m guessing the main mean girl felt all brave leaving you out and sorting the present, but when you were actually clearly upset, she thought ‘shit, she might actually call me out on this’, so is now being extra friendly. Don’t fall for it OP. I would honestly have nothing more to do with them, other than a message to tell them that, and why. You poor thing.

Sunnysideup · 30/07/2022 13:24

I think the way they reacted seeing you upset might put a different spin on this, you say you rarely see them, when they may actually spend a lot more time socialising together, it could actually be a genuine oversight on their behalf?

Technophobic · 30/07/2022 13:25

Imissmoominmama · 30/07/2022 12:35

Can you ask the others why you were excluded, even though you’d offered? I think, if you’re going to leave the group, they should be aware of the fact that their thoughtless behaviour is why.

Well put.

Oblomov22 · 30/07/2022 13:26

Exactly. Well put. Ask them this exact thing.

AtrociousCircumstance · 30/07/2022 13:27

BrookeDavisQueen · 30/07/2022 13:15

I disagree that silence will make them consider your feelings. It'll make it easier for them to ignore what they did.

If you've accepted the friendship is over a dignified call out is a good idea.

'I'm going to step away from this friendship group now, I was really hurt by being excluded from the gift giving particularly as I'd suggested doing something together. It's important for me to look after my own mental health and that does mean not accepting this continued exclusion. I wish you all the best in your futures."

The leave the group immediately. No right of reply.

This text idea is good.

ugh to the fakey unctuous behaviour when you were obviously upset - trying to look like nice people when they engineered the whole thing.

RichardsGear · 30/07/2022 13:28

Completely agree with PP if you say nothing then they'll just think you're sulking. Don't go in for a formal, pompous message - people don't talk like that.
In your shoes, I'd message the birthday one and say you're really sorry you didn't have anything for her, the others arranged the present between them but didn't include you, which is pretty shit. Hope she has a great day.
To the other three I'd say it was totally crap to leave you out, and it's not the first time you've felt like that. Then ignore. To the one saying she'll meet you for lunch, say No, you're all right thanks. Then ignore. Tell your husband not to get involved and/or talk about you with the one he knows. Then ditch them. Bugger the lot of them and who gives a toss if they gossip about what you've said.

StClare101 · 30/07/2022 13:29

I was going to say block and move on but I think others are right.

Still block and move on but before you do send a simple message to all of them saying that you feel the friendship has run it’s course and wishing them the best. I wouldn’t even mention what happened as they all know what they did.

A vague but polite message before blocking leaves you on the moral high ground and them with no right of reply. They can try and dissect that all they want, but really you are politely telling them you have better things to do!

MarshaBradyo · 30/07/2022 13:30

You are being used for their entertainment purposes and satisfaction. Insecure women that enjoy playing playground games because their lives are dull and uneventful.

This. Whether you respond with why did you leave me out? Or other (I’d keep it short if you do respond) be mindful they are not friends as much as using you for drama and entertainment

Do not be ok with this even if you have get new friends

JinglingHellsBells · 30/07/2022 13:32

I think whatever you decide to do depends on how thick your skin is.

Can you cope with messaging them and waiting for their responses?
Which may be none, or 'sincere apologies'

1 You can get it off your chest by messaging them but there will be no way back and you will leave the group anyway if you do (too embarrassing to stay with them after expressing your hurt.)

2 You can walk away , saying nothing, and they will probably never contact you and, sadly, it may feed into their narrative of 'Oh well, she was just a bit odd anyway' (not that you are but they may think like that!)

Whichever you choose, I don't think you can continue in the group.

I'm sure you have already mulled it over, but is there any reason you can think of that was behind you being left out? Are you not just on the same page as them any more? You said you were the only one with a child so I'm guessing these might be old uni, school or work colleagues and your lives have gone in different directions now.

Rowen32 · 30/07/2022 13:32

TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 30/07/2022 12:57

Thank you all. I really do feel like it’s a nasty thing that they’ve done. This situation is badly affecting my mental health. I suffer from social anxiety and feel like this is just confirmation that I am completely worthless in that group 😞 DH wants to message the main girl (he knows her too), probably not the best idea!

I felt like they sensed that I was upset last night, main girl kept suggesting we see each other more, offering to drive up to see me, come to my work on my lunch hour. I think she knew that she had upset me, possibly. I left early with an excuse, group made a fuss, big group hug etc. All messaging in the WhatsApp group after. I have muted the group and not responded to my friends text.

I would go so far as to say this 'nice behaviour' is actually part of the bullying too. I had a friend who would slyly put me down, if I ever got upset, would straight away be sooo, sooo, so nice. I realised afterwards it was like gaslighting where you start to doubt the bad behaviour because it was followed so quickly by niceness - it's just a way of getting to be mean but making it hard for you to pull them up on it because they can come back with 'oh but I said x, y and z and offered to meet up more' etc..

EarringsandLipstick · 30/07/2022 13:32

I wouldn’t even mention what happened as they all know what they did.

No I think calling it out but directly and non-emotionally is important.

They 'know' but they don't - in their own minds they'll twist what they did, justify it & make it OP's strange behaviour, not their bullying.

Tell them - but don't engage further then.

Festoonlights · 30/07/2022 13:32

You will leave the group silently and they won’t care one bit. Every now someone will ask if anyones heard or seen op, quietly disengaging has its place when the group is nice and functional but doesn’t work for you anymore or you don’t have time/ it’s got too demanding/annoying. Fading out has its place leaving everyone in a comfortable pleasant place.

They do not deserve that.
You don’t need to put a stick of dynamite under the group ( although no one would blame you if you did) just a quiet two line message to all with the truth would suffice.

Be prepared for the onslaught of excuses if you don’t block and how they didn’t intend to hurt you/you live too far away/ too busy to help them and they didn’t want to disturb you with it etc etc, They will fight tooth and nail not to be exposed for the nasty manipulators they are.

Dont worry soon after you have gone, they will turn on each other as they will need to replace the underdog.

There is a good reason why many people avidly avoid groups. Perfect example right here

Moofart · 30/07/2022 13:34

I've been here with a group that were never true friends. I put it with it for far, far too long. You deserve more. Protect your peace op. Know your worth.

Hopeandlove · 30/07/2022 13:35

SimmerInTheCity · 30/07/2022 13:07

Silence is the most powerful response. Seriously just quietly stop responding. This will make them reflect much more than any actual messages.

I doubt it. When I stopped going with a similar group I wasn’t contacted and it means the rejection has worked
but head of confrontation you can be gaslit into thinking g their isn’t an issue etc

RenegadeMatron · 30/07/2022 13:35

Sunnysideup · 30/07/2022 13:24

I think the way they reacted seeing you upset might put a different spin on this, you say you rarely see them, when they may actually spend a lot more time socialising together, it could actually be a genuine oversight on their behalf?

It would be nice to think it was a genuine oversight, but if that were the case, the OP wouldn’t have been included in the get-together either, but she was. She was just excluded from the present buying. So either they forgot about her, or they didn’t.

KyaClark · 30/07/2022 13:37

This is really horrible. Sorry, OP.

My neighbours leave me out all the time. I'm good enough for school runs, dog sitting and to borrow things from, but not good enough to invite out.

Bunch. Of. Cunts.

Americano75 · 30/07/2022 13:38

Moofart · 30/07/2022 13:34

I've been here with a group that were never true friends. I put it with it for far, far too long. You deserve more. Protect your peace op. Know your worth.

Me too. Glad to be shot of them. You will be too op.

Dotcheck · 30/07/2022 13:38

OP
When you suggested a gift, did you follow up? At all? If you hadn’t, and didn’t ever ask about the present after your suggestion, why did you expect your name to be on it?
I find group presents a minefield, with one person often taking charge, (and liking it) but simultaneously jetting the hump with others

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