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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave a friendship group

223 replies

TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 30/07/2022 12:30

I am part of a friendship group, there’s five of us including me. I have posted before about feeling excluded, a discovery of an extra WhatsApp group that I’m not a part of etc.

Seeking some advice on whether I am right to feel as hurt as I do -

last night we all met for a coffee and a walk along the beach. It’s one of the girls milestone birthdays in a few weeks and one of the other girls turned up with a bag of gifts for her. On the gift tag the gift was signed from the other 3 girls, I knew nothing about it. It was a beautiful, thoughtful gift, handmade by one of the girls. I was so embarrassed that my name was left off and that I knew nothing of this. A few weeks earlier I had mentioned what we were going to do/get for a present and said I was very happy to chip in with a bigger item. My friend agreed and not much more was said. This has left me feeling completely shit, I was so embarrassed to just sit there with nothing to give, I almost walked off but didn’t want to make a scene.

Theres been similar instances where I’ve been excluded but nothing quite so obvious.

I am on the fringes of the group, the only one with kids, I live far away and can rarely get out to see them all (I am a parent carer to a disabled child).

Feel like this group is making me very unhappy and I would be better off leaving it.

OP posts:
Festoonlights · 30/07/2022 13:00

I would message them all too once the birthday had passed

‘Birthday girl, I am sorry it looks like I have forgotten your birthday gift. As a group we were organising your present together. Sadly xx did not include me in the planning of the gift despite my efforts to organise it for you.
This has come after a long line of similar behaviour that has been hurtful and disrespectful towards me. As a result I have decided to pull out of the group altogether. I can no longer tolerate such poor behaviour. Thank you for the friendship when it was at its best, and the good memories we share. All the best op’
‘
Fuckers

You will find better friends op I promise you

Thelnebriati · 30/07/2022 13:00

Best thing to do is have a break and dont react in haste.

HazelFazed · 30/07/2022 13:00

Would be interesting to hear their justifications for leaving you out and making you feel like utter shit!

MarshaBradyo · 30/07/2022 13:01

You are right to hold back, they are kicking around with your mh

Take care of yourself first. Try to disengage

MarshaBradyo · 30/07/2022 13:02

Mucking around…

Tellmewhyaintnothinbutaheartbreak · 30/07/2022 13:03

I’d let them know that they’re cunts and then disengage entirely.

Do you have other friends?

Festoonlights · 30/07/2022 13:03

Call them out.
You must call them out and bloody block them afterwards.

They will no longer be able to hide behind the sheen of ‘niceness’ after that.

If there is a single decent friend in the group they will be mortified by your message and treatment and make an effort to continue to see you alone.

HazelFazed · 30/07/2022 13:04

I’d prefer no friends at all,

nottalot · 30/07/2022 13:04

NO. Don't send any messages. Just disengage.

People here like to come up with all sorts but honestly it is absolutely not worth the drama.

Kakibob1924 · 30/07/2022 13:05

Shut this down, don’t engage, move on. You are miserable because of them, enough is enough. Also do make sure your DH isn’t inadvertently keeping them in the loop.

hopeishere · 30/07/2022 13:05

That's just horrible. I'd not message. Just mute the group.

MarshaBradyo · 30/07/2022 13:06

Whatever you say will be dissected on other WhatsApp group

Don’t feed their desire for more drama

Helpyou · 30/07/2022 13:06

I would 100% message the group and explain all. I would also distance myself. They are not friends OP!

excelledyourself · 30/07/2022 13:06

I would need to message the other three, together, and ask why they did that.

Don't you want to know?

Not that I can think of any possible justification, but I wouldn't let that pass. And then I'd tell them I no longer felt that we were friends, wish them well, and leave the chat.

I'd message the birthday girl separately and explain to her about the gift, and say the same regarding the friendship.

Sorry they've made you feel so shit, OP Flowers

howshouldibehave · 30/07/2022 13:06

I felt like they sensed that I was upset last night, main girl kept suggesting we see each other more, offering to drive up to see me, come to my work on my lunch hour. I think she knew that she had upset me, possibly. I left early with an excuse, group made a fuss, big group hug etc. All messaging in the WhatsApp group after. I have muted the group and not responded to my friends text

It sounds like they realised they’ve fucked up. I would reply to your friend’s text if you want to continue with the friendship.

Do you have lots of other better friendship groups?

SimmerInTheCity · 30/07/2022 13:07

Silence is the most powerful response. Seriously just quietly stop responding. This will make them reflect much more than any actual messages.

Festoonlights · 30/07/2022 13:08

The problem with disengaging and going silent is that will read it as op sulking and flouncing. They have the opportunity to turn this around to being op’s ‘issues’ - suddenly it will be rewritten that they didn’t leave you out, you left yourself out.

Do not let them do this. I have seen it many times .
Throw light and truth into it. Call them out and they can’t then lie and blame it on your strops.

You have nothing at all left to lose.

You will find out if you have any real friends in the midst by doing this op.

hattie43 · 30/07/2022 13:09

That's horrible of them , did not a single person think that was mean .
You need a new friendship group . Friends are supposed to bring joy not heartache

excelledyourself · 30/07/2022 13:10

Please call it out and stand up to them.

People like that will bitch and twist things. I'd want it in text, what actually went on. Unlikely anyone else will ever need to see it, but still. Don't let them rewrite history.

Behappyplease · 30/07/2022 13:12

I can see why some people are saying don’t say anything but on the other hand why shouldn’t this awful treatment of you not be called out. Message the group to explain how you feel. Yes they will discuss it on their separate WhatsApp group but they will be doing that anyway and justifying their why you were not included. Call them out and then fuck them off.

HazelFazed · 30/07/2022 13:13

How can they justify what they’ve done though?

As long as the OP keeps the message factual, I’d message the three stooges and then copy what you’ve sent them to the birthday girl, telling her why you felt the need to leave early.

I’d also ask how they would have felt in the same scenario.

RenegadeMatron · 30/07/2022 13:14

Wow, they didn’t even give the gift to her on the sly, behind your back. They had to big, fat hand it to the birthday girl in front of you. That is next level. I remember your previous thread, too.

I agree that you just need to pull out of the group without sending a message. You are not going to get any sort of response that will give you satisfaction or closure.

Leave the WhatsApp group and move on.

Flowers
Festoonlights · 30/07/2022 13:15

SimmerInTheCity · 30/07/2022 13:07

Silence is the most powerful response. Seriously just quietly stop responding. This will make them reflect much more than any actual messages.

They aren’t going to reflect on this or anything else! Do you think they care that much?

They will discuss ops silence with pity.
Poor op.

No, you tell the truth and you keep your pride and dignity. They don’t get to hurt you like this over and over again unchallenged.

Best case you will get a genuine, heartfelt apology and a promise of improvement and they will become better friends ( unlikely given their track record) and you can decide if you wish to remain friends

You might keep one or two friends that back you and are mortified by the others, or they pull up the drawbridge as a group and bloody good riddance!!

Original poster
TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 30/07/2022 13:15

howshouldibehave · 30/07/2022 13:06

I felt like they sensed that I was upset last night, main girl kept suggesting we see each other more, offering to drive up to see me, come to my work on my lunch hour. I think she knew that she had upset me, possibly. I left early with an excuse, group made a fuss, big group hug etc. All messaging in the WhatsApp group after. I have muted the group and not responded to my friends text

It sounds like they realised they’ve fucked up. I would reply to your friend’s text if you want to continue with the friendship.

Do you have lots of other better friendship groups?

Unfortunately I don’t. Due to my current situation it is difficult to get out to socialise at all and hard to maintain friendships. I do have a few close friends and “mum” friends/work buddies. No other “group”. Perhaps that’s a good thing!

OP posts:
BrookeDavisQueen · 30/07/2022 13:15

I disagree that silence will make them consider your feelings. It'll make it easier for them to ignore what they did.

If you've accepted the friendship is over a dignified call out is a good idea.

'I'm going to step away from this friendship group now, I was really hurt by being excluded from the gift giving particularly as I'd suggested doing something together. It's important for me to look after my own mental health and that does mean not accepting this continued exclusion. I wish you all the best in your futures."

The leave the group immediately. No right of reply.

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