To leave a friendship group

[TwinkleTwinkleSeren]

I am part of a friendship group, there’s five of us including me. I have posted before about feeling excluded, a discovery of an extra WhatsApp group that I’m not a part of etc.

Seeking some advice on whether I am right to feel as hurt as I do -

last night we all met for a coffee and a walk along the beach. It’s one of the girls milestone birthdays in a few weeks and one of the other girls turned up with a bag of gifts for her. On the gift tag the gift was signed from the other 3 girls, I knew nothing about it. It was a beautiful, thoughtful gift, handmade by one of the girls. I was so embarrassed that my name was left off and that I knew nothing of this. A few weeks earlier I had mentioned what we were going to do/get for a present and said I was very happy to chip in with a bigger item. My friend agreed and not much more was said. This has left me feeling completely shit, I was so embarrassed to just sit there with nothing to give, I almost walked off but didn’t want to make a scene.

Theres been similar instances where I’ve been excluded but nothing quite so obvious.

I am on the fringes of the group, the only one with kids, I live far away and can rarely get out to see them all (I am a parent carer to a disabled child).

Feel like this group is making me very unhappy and I would be better off leaving it.

I think this is reasonable. The friendship group has had quite a bit of change, it’s not some longstanding, exclusive, very close set-up involving the same people, the OP admits she lives at a distance from the others and can’t attend many get-together because of her caring responsibilities — she’s simply drifted away a bit. It’s perfectly possible that the gift was an oversight if they all see one another more often, have another WhatsApp for the friends who see one another a lot — maybe the gift was organised on that in all innocence, if the OP’s offer to chip in was a single message from weeks ago.

I don’t see any evidence of conscious malice in this situation. It’s only looming so large for the OP because she doesn’t have other friends. I’m sympathetic, but I don’t think all this high dudgeon and encouragement to cut them all dead is doing her any favours.

Do you usually have trouble with reading and comprehending what people say or is it common for you to entirely make up situations? It wasn't a big celebratory birthday walk.

Life changes, you aren’t in the same headspace or location space as them anymore and it’s time to realise that and move on. Try not to take this situation as malice but just sadness that you’ve drifted apart. Time for new friendship opportunities closer to home with people who share your circumstances.

I would agree if it had happened once or twice but it hasn’t - numerous times op has felt excluded and hurt. Ip has described it as damaging her MH so hardly good for her health or well being. Why would anyone put themselves through something actively damaging?
Head in the sand suggestions are likely to make matters even worse, as they know they can do anything now and op won’t do a thing.

Ignore, smile as if nothing happened that day if you meet any of them, and don’t get sucked in again. They are not nice and they know it.

I think you should call them out on their behaviour, telling them (inc. the birthday girl), that you had suggested doing something for her some time ago, but nothing more was said to you and now it's obvious you've deliberatly been left out of the plans they made, so you are going to bow out of the group, as they obviously don't see you as a friend, then do just that, having the satisfaction you didn't just fade away, but let them know they've treated you badly.

This is a form of bullying. I would leave the group immediately without a second thought. Your life sounds difficult enough as it is without a group of shitbags making it even harder. It sounds as though they’ve realised, too late, what they’ve done and the effect it’s had on you. You deserve better than this, don’t waste any more time on people who are so materialistic and shallow.

Awful people. They knew what they were doing with that group gift bullshit & how it would make you feel. Bullies the lot of them. They can shove their sympathy group hug up their arses too.
Id sack them right off OP & walk away with your head high. You sound lovely. Better things to come for you.

Yeah this isn’t what folks think at all, it’s not bullying it’s a group of predominantly single women with no kids who go out a lot. The op cannot join them and rarely does, but she wants to be invited even though she has to say no and she’s jealous and feels excluded when they go out together.

if someone keeps saying no then with the best of intentions you still do spontaneous shit and do t invite them. I think the gift was an oversight it was likely going to be presented without the op and they forgot.

I think this is just the complexity of different life stages, and the op looking on longingly and wanting to be involved in everything even though she can’t be due to her family. They have a seperate whatsapp group and socialise seperately as the op has two kids, is a carer and doesn’t drive.

I understand rhey way she’s written it makes you think malicious bullies but I don’t think that’s the case at all.

opif you can’t accept they do things together without you and are a closer knit group because of it, then exit the friendship but I hope for your sake you have made very different lifestyle choices to them and this was clearly an error as you usually don’t join them.

That is really awful OP. Really friends would never do that. My friends met this week and I cancelled due to having covid in the house and them going on holiday next week. One of my friends has a birthday next week and the other one had already got a card and gift and wrote my name on without me even remembering her birthday. No way would she have rocked up and let me look like a dick. They are not your friends.

They sound like a bunch of bitches. Say something to them and then bin them off.

Sorry to be blunt but they don't want you around . Just cut off and find people who will treat you right .

It’s tempting to message and say how you feel, but kinda pointless because they have done this deliberately. I would leave the group and block them all.

Just tell them how hurt you are that after offering to contribute to a present they excluded you and embarrassed you by presenting it during coffee. Then leave the group and send a nice bunch of flowers or a present to the birthday girl. Maintain that single friendship if you want/ can. Bin the group before they hurt you more.

OP, adults don't need "friendship groups". You say upthread that you've got a few good close friends and some 'mum' friends. That is all anyone needs. So long as you have a handful of people who care about you and are interested in you and your life, you do not need a "friendship group". My DD went to a girls' school, and even then the "friendship group" thing largely disappeared in the sixth form.

Someone suggested you sending the one who had the birthday a message. This wouldn't be a bad idea, for closure - but I would not go into any blether about pulling out of the group etc, etc, etc. It's giving it too much weight. I would, however, send a brief message to that one person - something like "‘Hi [birthday girl], I realise you will think I hadn't bothered to give you a present. We were organising a group present, so I was very surprised and embarrassed to discover [cowbag] had gone ahead with the group present - but hadn't thought to include me. Best wishes."

You can then leave her to draw her own conclusions, and you can lick your wounds with the people who are your actual friends.

Don't be afraid to confront them. If you're going to stop seeing them then what do you have to lose. You might aswell try to get some answers.

@KyaClark .....why on earth would you allow yourself to be used by your neighbours like this?

I would send a message that says excluding you from the group present was the latest in a series of petty, rude and exclusionary behaviours exhibited by the group. Friends do not behave this way and so you wish them well as individuals but withdraw from what is now a dysfunctional group.

and people wonder why bullying is rampant in schools. They learn it from the parents. The excluding of one person without actually saying what the person has done wrong, the grouping together and having conversations to rub OP's nose in the fact she is not wanted. The sneaky behaviour of going behind OP's back to buy a gift (despite OP suggesting she would like to contribute to a gift) and then presenting it in front of OP knowing fully well she will be embarrassed. It's all learned from home!

It is not that they have upset you, it is the fact that their behaviour is beneath you! They went low, so fly high and free!

OP k have had a situation in the past exactly like the one you describe - exact same thing happened they planned a present exchange and excluded me.

The friendship group eventually broke down - I decided I didn't want to be a part of that toxicity anymore.

Best of luck with what you decide but when something is becoming emotional hurtful more than it is not it's probably best to leave the group

This.
Have a look at a site called 'meetups' too. Its not dating. Lots of groups for women and mixed groups. Walking,socialising, books,cinema trips etc etc. We are in a brilliant group locally. I have been you Op. Its so freeing to get rid of areseholes and find people who value your company

@billy1966

I'm coming across as really pathetic, aren't I?

Yes kyla and a person way too nice for your own good! (Not a good thing) invest the time into a reciprocal friendship

I agree with Tonty above. This is where some of the nasty behaviour in schools - particularly from girls - comes from .
There is no way I would present a group gift to someone having left off the name of one person who was there. No way. That is nasty behaviour.
OP, I would message the gift organiser and say that you were hurt and embarrassed and ask why you were left out. And then leave the group. I would do it in a dignified way but make sure she knows her behaviour was unacceptable.