To leave a friendship group

[TwinkleTwinkleSeren]

I am part of a friendship group, there’s five of us including me. I have posted before about feeling excluded, a discovery of an extra WhatsApp group that I’m not a part of etc.

Seeking some advice on whether I am right to feel as hurt as I do -

last night we all met for a coffee and a walk along the beach. It’s one of the girls milestone birthdays in a few weeks and one of the other girls turned up with a bag of gifts for her. On the gift tag the gift was signed from the other 3 girls, I knew nothing about it. It was a beautiful, thoughtful gift, handmade by one of the girls. I was so embarrassed that my name was left off and that I knew nothing of this. A few weeks earlier I had mentioned what we were going to do/get for a present and said I was very happy to chip in with a bigger item. My friend agreed and not much more was said. This has left me feeling completely shit, I was so embarrassed to just sit there with nothing to give, I almost walked off but didn’t want to make a scene.

Theres been similar instances where I’ve been excluded but nothing quite so obvious.

I am on the fringes of the group, the only one with kids, I live far away and can rarely get out to see them all (I am a parent carer to a disabled child).

Feel like this group is making me very unhappy and I would be better off leaving it.

It’s ok to quietly disengage if you don’t want the hassle though. You don’t owe them any explanation and frankly who cares what they say or think about it. Do what works best for you.

One of my main regrets in life is not having ditched toxic friendships sooner - they really undermine your well-being.

Groups are tricky. I think you’d be right to step away from this if it’s making you feel unhappy and excluded, but is there an individual in the group you could try to chat to/continue a relationship with? Or do you feel that all of them, even individually, are unpleasant and no longer worth your time?

Normally advise to say nothing but here I would send Brooke’s text word for word. Make them confront what they’ve done.

This. Don't let them gaslight you. If more people were called to account for unkindness fewer would be so unpleasant. When someone challenges them - even in a calm reasonable way - it holds a mirror up to them. And often they don't like what they see

I just don’t know how anyone can turn up I. Front of people and present gifts and then not feel embarrassed or awful you were excluded. I could never treat someone like that.

just stop contacting anyone and leave the WhatsApp group.

Just leave the group and move on. It sounds like you don’t have much time to socialise so why waste the little time you have on people who don’t appreciate and include you.

Life is too short to bother with people like that. I do empathise, it’s hard letting go and feeling like you’ll be missing out, but if it’s causing more hurt than enjoyment it really isn’t worth continuing trying to maintain these ‘friendships’.

Maybe focus on activities or hobbies that you can enjoy in your free time instead.

Well, don't do those things for them Kyla!

Some of this sounds incredibly juvenile behaviour.

OP I think the 'group' for you has run its course.

If you live far away and have a child, and they don't have children, (guess you are all under 30 or thereabouts?) they probably 'bond' more because they have more in common.

Their behaviour towards you was nasty but (I'm being kind here) they possibly see you as the 'outsider' as your life is very different to theirs.

That's just how things sometimes go and whatever drew you all together in the first place has now changed.

Let it go . If it gives you 'closure' to message them, do that, but I'd personally sleep on this for a few days and see how you feel then.

Write message in group chat wishing the girl a happy birthday, mention to all that you thought you were all chipping in for a present and was surprised when you weren't informed of group present. And then sack em all. Lousy fkers

they are pushing you out
they should just speak with you about the issue but they’re cowards

either confront them or go no contact

Just another thought if you just disengage from the group it will look like you have decided to call quits on the friendship, they won’t question their own actions it will just be the action you took leaving the group that gets talked about.

why not let your DH send a message with the one he has a friendship with as he suggested?

They can’t excuse the fact that OP lives a distance, busy etc as she was there at the meet up and made to feel totally excluded.

Who does this!

The very point of friendship is to feel included, valued, supported and cared for! They are literally doing the reverse op. There are certainly not friends more like frenemies.

If this has happened with my friends, the first thing that would happen is a phone call or text immediately the next day

’shit I am so sorry op, I can’t believe I missed your name off the present. I will let birthday girl know straight away it was from all of us. So sorry’

But then I wouldn’t have layers of private group chats in a friendship circle anyway, it’s one to one or as a group so no one is missed.

I don’t think she did expect her name to be on the gift tag.

She expected to be told they had decided to do a group gift, and to be able to contribute. And then put her name on the gift tag.

She was embarrassed when the gift was handed over, to be exposed as the only person completely unaware of it, not given the opportunity to contribute to it, and of course, for her name not to be on it.

It’s not just the exclusion, it’s also how it looks to the birthday girl - like perhaps she didn’t want to contribute.

Although, if the get-together was to celebrate the significant birthday, did you end up buying a gift separately, TwinkleTwinkleSeren?

Wow that’s so rude, I would have had to say something at the time tho. Have you all been friends a long time? You could just silently leave the group, but I would expect you’ll then receive individual texts from them all (after they’ve already talked it out between them and worked out their story)! Other option would be to just block them all, or put a msg on explaining your upset prior to deleting the group.

If this is the latest in a long line of shitty behaviour from then I think your own mental well being you should just block, delete and move on.

why not let your DH send a message with the one he has a friendship with as he suggested?

No, why should the DH send the message, and not the OP herself @Behappyplease?

This happened to me too. Friends since primary school, bridesmaids at my wedding. I also told them I was feeling left out and they made out I was being crazy. One was particularly nasty. They were all on a holiday without me at the time that I knew nothing about…
I decided to wait and see how long it would be until they messaged me first. It’s been about 9 months and I’m now 28 weeks pregnant and they have no idea.
You don’t need these people in your life. You deserve so much better 💐

You said you have written about this before and sadly, it looks as if the group has already excluded you by doing other things to which you weren't invited.

Maybe instead of being snipey in a message, you could say something along the lines of 'I've come to realise that our lives are now on different paths, you're all meeting at times without me, and excluding me from stuff - like the birthday gift - so I think it's best if I drop out of the group. Thanks for all the good times in the past.'

I can see why op didn’t call them out at the time and ruin the bday celebration, friends also knew she would keep quiet too and they would get away with it. Now they are working on keeping her mouth shut by being super nice.

Please get out of this toxic sticky mess of a group. Your anxiety has probably ruined your social confidence, they know it too and can now openly humiliate you without retribution.

This happened to me too. Some women seem to enjoy excluding a person, i think it makes them feel safe as they 'belong' whereas the person they are excluding does not. It's very odd but seems very common. `run a mile, they are not making you feel good and have shown you who they are, so believe them !

I have had similar. I find these friendship groups can be fickle and unpleasant at times and often lacks a genuine warmth.

You owe them no explanation, although I would be tempted to have a glass of wine and just message 'bye you bitches, I'm away' then block, aware that the bridge is been burnt so to speak. Continue with the wine and watch Muriel's Wedding.

I'd have to call them all a bunch of cunts then leave WhatsApp. And never look back.

Friends should be friendly and yours are not.

I felt like they sensed that I was upset last night, main girl kept suggesting we see each other more, offering to drive up to see me, come to my work on my lunch hour. I think she knew that she had upset me, possibly. I left early with an excuse, group made a fuss, big group hug etc. All messaging in the WhatsApp group after. I have muted the group and not responded to my friends text.
as if they wouldn’t KNOW they’ve deliberately upset you- it doesn’t take some kind of sixth sense to work out hey girls let’s give Sandra her present from everyone but Jane in front of Jane knowing Jane asked about a group present. It’s more like a slap in the face than a subtle gesture they might not have realised about. I’m sorry, but they are not friends.

Good idea! 🍷