To leave a friendship group

[TwinkleTwinkleSeren]

I am part of a friendship group, there’s five of us including me. I have posted before about feeling excluded, a discovery of an extra WhatsApp group that I’m not a part of etc.

Seeking some advice on whether I am right to feel as hurt as I do -

last night we all met for a coffee and a walk along the beach. It’s one of the girls milestone birthdays in a few weeks and one of the other girls turned up with a bag of gifts for her. On the gift tag the gift was signed from the other 3 girls, I knew nothing about it. It was a beautiful, thoughtful gift, handmade by one of the girls. I was so embarrassed that my name was left off and that I knew nothing of this. A few weeks earlier I had mentioned what we were going to do/get for a present and said I was very happy to chip in with a bigger item. My friend agreed and not much more was said. This has left me feeling completely shit, I was so embarrassed to just sit there with nothing to give, I almost walked off but didn’t want to make a scene.

Theres been similar instances where I’ve been excluded but nothing quite so obvious.

I am on the fringes of the group, the only one with kids, I live far away and can rarely get out to see them all (I am a parent carer to a disabled child).

Feel like this group is making me very unhappy and I would be better off leaving it.

So the ‘leaving out’ has come up before and is not confined to you op. Interesting that changes things. Like rats in a bag they are all trying to avoid being crushed at the bottom.

You are just about to find out if your friend of 25 years cares about you, is she also the birthday girl by any chance? I would give her the heads up privately if you are close and she isn’t directly involved?

in your shoes? I'd just leave the WhatsApp group and file and forget them.
(also in your shoes I'd have bought a small gift knowing that i hadn't contributed to one from a group, assuming either I'd been left out or that they were all getting something individually. Hindsight is a wonderful thing though)

There is no need to lose the friendship of 25 years, surely? Unless she was the one organising the present and left you out, of course!

If she is the birthday girl, just speak with her, and explain what you’re doing. Maintain the friendship with her, and then withdraw from the group.

Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.

I wouldn’t send any snarky messages. It’s too easy for them to dissect and craft a response. I would speak to the main one and put them on the spot and see what they say. But either way I wouldn’t waste any more energy on these people, they sound draining.

Stop doing the school runs, dog sitting and lending, @KyaClark. You don’t owe anything to people who are just using you.

Not a very nice reply nor helpful.

I had friends just like this. They would often bounce off each other in the group chat and try and have a laugh at my expense. I left the group chat 3 years ago and only keep in contact with 2 out of 7 of them. Get rid of them, you’ll feel a lot happier!

thinking about it - put a message in the group all of you are in saying that you found it deeply unkind to do what they did. then mute message notifications and give it a month or two and see if they contact you or not.
But i would prepare myself for the group to be over for you and just stay in touch with your old friend.

Don't send any texts.

Just cease responding completely and archive the group.

What they did was actively unkind.

Life is too short to spend around people like this.

Awful behaviour from a friend of 25 years.

Silence is your friend here.
If the 25 year old friend contacts you directly, you can ask her directly why she felt it necessary to be so unkind.

Someone like that is no loss.
Focus on other friends.

I wouldn’t explain to them as they’ll just twist it.

they’re bullying you and don’t deserve your candour.

Fade them out, say you’re too busy for the next few catch ups, mute, block and ignore.

if anyone demands an explanation f2f calmly explain ‘I’ve just moved on’ which will be entirely true

I’m sorry if you think that, but I really do think it’s incredibly infantilising to have your husband manage something like this for you.

The OP is a grown-up and it’s her friendship.

I can well imagine there would be a fair few side eyes and comments about a message from the DH.

None of this takes away from the fact that it’s lovely the DH feels strongly about it and is protective of the OP. That’s right and normal.

But it’s for the OP to handle, not him.

Don't put yourself through this. It hurts more for you to feel left out all the time than it does to cease contact.

These things are so subjective OP - you really do have my sympathies.
I know that I would not say anything and just disappear from their lives and forget them as best I could but of course that may not work for you.
Is there any future in sending them a message saying this is how I feel, this is why I’m leaving etc etc? Will it just give them the opportunity to say sorry, won’t happen again, etc.?
There is, of course, no right or wrong answer - just what makes you feel better and/or less shit. Personally I’d speak to my OH and get it off my chest that way, and ignore them for the foreseeable. Don’t know if that’s an option for you. Hope you’re ok.

I think the OP said she has a disabled child.
I doubt they are jealous of her life.
Most likely they don't understand her life and don't want her around.
They may grow up once they do settle down and have children.

Also, this looks like this isn't a friendship group as 2 people are interested in each other.
It seems like a romantic dynamic and each romance partner has a best friend.
So no room for OP in this dynamic.

OP first thing to do is find an actual friendship group that is pure and platonic.
Anything with a sexual element is not a friendship group worth being part of.
Watch TV dramas instead.

I agree
Anything you say will be taken by them as " proof" they were right to exclude you.
They will use it to justify their behaviour.

Fade away, they,are not worthy of your friendship

I don’t think the “don’t waste 25 years of friendship” trope is helpful.
if something doesn’t make you feel good anymore, then stop doing it. Time changes things as well. The amount of time you’ve had a relationship with someone doesn’t mean you owe them your loyalty and let them treat you like garbage.

I, semi-recently, came out of a friendship group like this. I was often the one to ask how everyone was, and expected to be interested in the war and peace efforts on WhatsApp. I removed myself from the group and feel 10 times better. I do regret not telling them how they made me feel. But at the same time, I didn’t want anything shoved back in my face, even though I’d been pretty accommodating.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

I am going to. It's hard when someone really needs some help, to then say no.

With the dog sitting, I noticed last time that I didn't even get a thank gift like I usually do (because, of course, I do it for free!), so clearly it's become an expectation now and not a favour. I have the dog again soon. I wonder what'll happen.

OP, don't text them again. They aren't friends.

I agree with you in principle, but if the 25 year friendship is with the birthday girl, who’s oblivious to the exclusionary shenanigans, then it seems very much like overkill to withdraw from the friendship with her.

I recall your other thread

we established you never suggested getting together or arranged anything

and a “few weeks earlier” you asked what you all were going to get? How passive. Why didn’t you make some suggestions.

and you rock up for the birthday walk, weeks later, and it would seem you have made no effort to follow up re the present and you turn up empty handed.

i would be very interested to hear the perspective of the other women

A few weeks earlier I had mentioned what we were going to do/get for a present and said I was very happy to chip in with a bigger item.

happy to “chip in” but bugger all effort or responsibility for actually buying / arranging

A dignified factual account of what has happened, short and to the point will ensure that op retains at least the moral high ground.

I would not describe it as ‘drama’ but a honest departure. How on earth are they ever to evolve if all learning and insight is lost?

If there is a decent friend in the group, it will come to light, if you fade out silently that chance will be lost.

Errr she has a disabled child and lives miles away. RTWT

Before you sack them off - which you absolutely should do I would call them out but in a very nice way and say how excluded you felt on this occasion and what was the reason for not including you . People like that hate to be called out . Make them squirm before you say goodbye to quite frankly a bunch of shit friends

I just can’t get my head around turning up for a big celebratory birthday walk and having done nothing for a friend other than “few weeks earlier” saying on a group chat that you would be “happy to chip in” and seemingly not once followed up since or thought - oh I better get my friend something in time for the walk

They know exactly what they’re doing so no need to explain why you’re leaving. Why do some women do this? It seems to give them pleasure to pull this passive/aggressive mean shite. They’re not your friends.