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AIBU?

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Original poster

To leave a friendship group

223 replies

TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 30/07/2022 12:30

I am part of a friendship group, there’s five of us including me. I have posted before about feeling excluded, a discovery of an extra WhatsApp group that I’m not a part of etc.

Seeking some advice on whether I am right to feel as hurt as I do -

last night we all met for a coffee and a walk along the beach. It’s one of the girls milestone birthdays in a few weeks and one of the other girls turned up with a bag of gifts for her. On the gift tag the gift was signed from the other 3 girls, I knew nothing about it. It was a beautiful, thoughtful gift, handmade by one of the girls. I was so embarrassed that my name was left off and that I knew nothing of this. A few weeks earlier I had mentioned what we were going to do/get for a present and said I was very happy to chip in with a bigger item. My friend agreed and not much more was said. This has left me feeling completely shit, I was so embarrassed to just sit there with nothing to give, I almost walked off but didn’t want to make a scene.

Theres been similar instances where I’ve been excluded but nothing quite so obvious.

I am on the fringes of the group, the only one with kids, I live far away and can rarely get out to see them all (I am a parent carer to a disabled child).

Feel like this group is making me very unhappy and I would be better off leaving it.

OP posts:
Festoonlights · 30/07/2022 15:12

Ohthatsexciting · 30/07/2022 15:07

I just can’t get my head around turning up for a big celebratory birthday walk and having done nothing for a friend other than “few weeks earlier” saying on a group chat that you would be “happy to chip in” and seemingly not once followed up since or thought - oh I better get my friend something in time for the walk

Are you one of the friends?

Most of us would cut a bit of slack for a friend and mother of disabled child who is already travelling considerable distances to see us all.

A decent friend wouldn’t be so petty and would just sign it from everyone, not pointedly leave out one person. It’s very very unkind, and they should feel ashamed of themselves.

MoreLettuce · 30/07/2022 15:13

So unkind of them.

Something like this would happen to me (if I were ever in a friendship group) probably why I prefer 1:1 friendship or I just don’t bother.

LivingOnAnIsland · 30/07/2022 15:16

These horrible people are not your friends, find some new ones.

LINABE · 30/07/2022 15:18

They are disgusting. This is NOT friendship. You need to be far more assertive. Tell them exactly how they have made you feel. No emotion. No anger. Just say it. Then you dump them. This is bullying. I don't use that word lightly as I know exactly how it feels to be bullied long term.

Ohthatsexciting · 30/07/2022 15:19

Festoonlights · 30/07/2022 15:12

Are you one of the friends?

Most of us would cut a bit of slack for a friend and mother of disabled child who is already travelling considerable distances to see us all.

A decent friend wouldn’t be so petty and would just sign it from everyone, not pointedly leave out one person. It’s very very unkind, and they should feel ashamed of themselves.

Show quote history

Come on

the sum total of what the op did for the birthday is say a few weeks ago on group chat that she would chip in to a present.

it is one things to hope others to arrange things because of your circumstances but to not once even ask after that but to just assume that all sorted - speaks volumes

EarringsandLipstick · 30/07/2022 15:24

@Ohthatsexciting

Stop being such an arse and actually read the thread.

  • the coffee & walk was not the birthday celebration. That's not for another few weeks
  • the other women organised & co-ordinated the present - so presumably discussed it among themselves - and did not include OP in the conversations, despite knowing she wanted to join in with a joint gift
  • this is not the first time she's been excluded.

You are being ridiculous in your attempts to turn it on OP.

Anjo2011 · 30/07/2022 15:25

I’m sure they don’t all feel the same, at a guess there is one leader. Can you confide in the friend who received the present and make it known you were not included. It’s tricky , but there is nothing worse than feeling like you are the outsider. See what you can find out, then you may or may not have to cut them loose.

Eightiesfan · 30/07/2022 15:27

Ohthatsexciting · 30/07/2022 15:07

I just can’t get my head around turning up for a big celebratory birthday walk and having done nothing for a friend other than “few weeks earlier” saying on a group chat that you would be “happy to chip in” and seemingly not once followed up since or thought - oh I better get my friend something in time for the walk

How have you come to the conclusion it was a celebratory birthday walk?

The OP clearly stated they were meeting for coffee and a walk, and that her friends birthday was in a few weeks.

Festoonlights · 30/07/2022 15:27

Ohthatsexciting · 30/07/2022 15:19

Come on

the sum total of what the op did for the birthday is say a few weeks ago on group chat that she would chip in to a present.

it is one things to hope others to arrange things because of your circumstances but to not once even ask after that but to just assume that all sorted - speaks volumes

Show quote history

It speaks volumes that theY decided to leave her name out on the gift and hand over the present in front of her! That definitely speaks volumes!

Why didn’t they reply to ops messages?
Why dod they have exclusive WA groups?
Why didn’t they say we have a gift did she want to be involved?

They clearly set the whole thing up!
absolute fuckers. It’s the only description for them. It’s okay though because they will turn on each other in no time and the group will implode.

RedHelenB · 30/07/2022 15:27

TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 30/07/2022 12:57

Thank you all. I really do feel like it’s a nasty thing that they’ve done. This situation is badly affecting my mental health. I suffer from social anxiety and feel like this is just confirmation that I am completely worthless in that group 😞 DH wants to message the main girl (he knows her too), probably not the best idea!

I felt like they sensed that I was upset last night, main girl kept suggesting we see each other more, offering to drive up to see me, come to my work on my lunch hour. I think she knew that she had upset me, possibly. I left early with an excuse, group made a fuss, big group hug etc. All messaging in the WhatsApp group after. I have muted the group and not responded to my friends text.

Just open your mouth and say what's bothering you. You're an adult now.

drawacircleroundit · 30/07/2022 15:28

Ohthatsexciting · 30/07/2022 15:07

I just can’t get my head around turning up for a big celebratory birthday walk and having done nothing for a friend other than “few weeks earlier” saying on a group chat that you would be “happy to chip in” and seemingly not once followed up since or thought - oh I better get my friend something in time for the walk

Have you read the bit where the milestone birthday isn't until a few weeks, though? "last night we all met for a coffee and a walk along the beach. It’s one of the girls milestone birthdays in a few weeks and one of the other girls turned up with a bag of gifts for her."
So if we've understood correctly, the beach walk wasn't the celebration, per se. The birthday itself isn't for a while yet. So OP was well and truly in the dark and reasonable in assuming that gifts hadn't been sorted yet.

Festoonlights · 30/07/2022 15:30

Genuinely this thread is the epitome of who needs enemies with friends like this?

blebbleb · 30/07/2022 15:33

They sound like vile bullies. You're better off without "friends" like these. Behaviour like that isn't even acceptable for teenagers! I'd let them know how nasty they've been, the exact examples and leave the group. This is why I'm not keen on groups of friends. Much prefer 1 on 1 interaction.

drawacircleroundit · 30/07/2022 15:33

Ohthatsexciting · 30/07/2022 15:04

A few weeks earlier I had mentioned what we were going to do/get for a present and said I was very happy to chip in with a bigger item.

happy to “chip in” but bugger all effort or responsibility for actually buying / arranging

Have you had empathy bypass surgery?
The OP is on the fringes of the group, and is obviously not temperamentally inclined to be the organiser of something as potent as a birthday gift.
But she mentioned it, suggested they club together...and then was left out when a bag of gifts was suddenly produced weeks before the actual birthday.
Some people are gentle by nature and wouldn't dare to be the organiser of a gift.
Can you understand that?

Roxy4321 · 30/07/2022 15:34

Best thing I ever did was leave a group of snakes like this. I had my child first and they treat me with utter cruelty it was tricks and games all the time . Don’t message them just sack them off . They’ll only chew over whatever you write so let your silence be deafening. I bet they’re all jealous of you in some way. Good luck OP you sound absolutely lovely and I’m sure you’ll find some friends you deserve.

Twiglets1 · 30/07/2022 15:35

They were very insensitive. I would have to mention it to the person who organised the present and say I was hurt not to be included. Maybe they will have an answer, like they didn’t want to put you under pressure to contribute financially as it was expensive. But whatever they say, they shouldn’t have left you out. I would give them the opportunity to explain and apologise however.

Ohthatsexciting · 30/07/2022 15:35

That’s what I have and I’m lucky to have a number of close friends to meet for lunch, go to the theatre, drinks with etc. They are all separate from each other. The group dynamic can be tricky and exhausting sometimes. With my individual friends, I see them when I see them, we have a lovely time and there is no expectation and no drama x

on your last thread, the one I remember where you say you are hurt this group got together without you (but never suggest meeting up!) this was your last post.

So I understand your circumstances, the clearly daft to suggest that you couldn’t have spear headed the birthday present rather than a few weeks earlier saying you’d “chip in”

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 30/07/2022 15:36

I understand why they have a separate WhatsApp group. You don’t come to much so it makes sense to arrange things amongst themselves. I expect the group present was an selfish oversight where they organised it when you weren’t there and did it think about you. Unfortunately in groups when you don’t come along and separate yourself from the group (no fault of your own obviously) the group dynamics change and move on. Message people individually if you want to maintain friendships but it might be better not to try and be in the ‘group’ when you can’t meet up much.

viques · 30/07/2022 15:36

“I do have a few close friends, work buddies and mum friends”

To be frank that is what most of us have OP, don’t be misled by people with hundreds of casual contacts on their social media platforms, it’s the real like friends who you have more than “likes” in common with who are your friends, they are the people who you need to cultivate and cherish, not the mean girls.

Ohthatsexciting · 30/07/2022 15:37

drawacircleroundit · 30/07/2022 15:33

Have you had empathy bypass surgery?
The OP is on the fringes of the group, and is obviously not temperamentally inclined to be the organiser of something as potent as a birthday gift.
But she mentioned it, suggested they club together...and then was left out when a bag of gifts was suddenly produced weeks before the actual birthday.
Some people are gentle by nature and wouldn't dare to be the organiser of a gift.
Can you understand that?

Show quote history

Some people are gentle by nature and wouldn't dare to be the organiser of a gift.

after 25 years of always being the present organiser for the group, I could imagine that “gentleness” would get rather exasperating

WonderingWanda · 30/07/2022 15:38

TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 30/07/2022 12:57

Thank you all. I really do feel like it’s a nasty thing that they’ve done. This situation is badly affecting my mental health. I suffer from social anxiety and feel like this is just confirmation that I am completely worthless in that group 😞 DH wants to message the main girl (he knows her too), probably not the best idea!

I felt like they sensed that I was upset last night, main girl kept suggesting we see each other more, offering to drive up to see me, come to my work on my lunch hour. I think she knew that she had upset me, possibly. I left early with an excuse, group made a fuss, big group hug etc. All messaging in the WhatsApp group after. I have muted the group and not responded to my friends text.

What twats, that is such school girl behaviour. I would drift away from this lot and make some better grown up friends.

BiscuitLover3678 · 30/07/2022 15:40

I’m so sorry :(

EarringsandLipstick · 30/07/2022 15:42

@Ohthatsexciting

Instead of side-stepping it, are you going go address all your errors? Not a birthday celebration? The other women discussing the gift without including OP? The previous incidents?

I can't believe you're trying to make out it's OP's fault.

Heyisforhorses · 30/07/2022 15:43

You have so much going on in your own home that you do not need those who should be supporting you make you feel so worthless.

Cut them loose and set yourself free from such bitchy girl behaviour. I'm sorry you are going through this, friendships shouldn't be hard, they should enhance your life x

missingeu · 30/07/2022 15:57

I had similar happen to me, friendship group for +20 yrs. Welcome home meal for who I thought was BF and they had all met up a few days before, hence why no chatting about BF experiences. I'd specially re-arranged work shifts as well. It was the last straw - I said something at the meal and aftewards have never met with them again. Thats was 3 years ago. I dont miss them and I'm happier for it.