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AIBU?

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Original poster

To leave a friendship group

223 replies

TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 30/07/2022 12:30

I am part of a friendship group, there’s five of us including me. I have posted before about feeling excluded, a discovery of an extra WhatsApp group that I’m not a part of etc.

Seeking some advice on whether I am right to feel as hurt as I do -

last night we all met for a coffee and a walk along the beach. It’s one of the girls milestone birthdays in a few weeks and one of the other girls turned up with a bag of gifts for her. On the gift tag the gift was signed from the other 3 girls, I knew nothing about it. It was a beautiful, thoughtful gift, handmade by one of the girls. I was so embarrassed that my name was left off and that I knew nothing of this. A few weeks earlier I had mentioned what we were going to do/get for a present and said I was very happy to chip in with a bigger item. My friend agreed and not much more was said. This has left me feeling completely shit, I was so embarrassed to just sit there with nothing to give, I almost walked off but didn’t want to make a scene.

Theres been similar instances where I’ve been excluded but nothing quite so obvious.

I am on the fringes of the group, the only one with kids, I live far away and can rarely get out to see them all (I am a parent carer to a disabled child).

Feel like this group is making me very unhappy and I would be better off leaving it.

OP posts:
Original poster
TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 30/07/2022 14:00

Thank you all.

I don’t feel like I have much in common with them anymore and the group dynamics can be WEIRD. I’ve known the main one for over 25 years, we then became a “trio” with another girl, and two others joined along the way. One of the girls a year ago kicked off about being left out and not invited to stuff so they set up a separate group to do stuff with her. Two of the members have been close to getting together but it is one sided and one strings the other along saying “one day” they might eventually get together but she has “commitment issues” It’s a mess 🙈

OP posts:
Ergonomic · 30/07/2022 14:00

Dotcheck · 30/07/2022 13:38

OP
When you suggested a gift, did you follow up? At all? If you hadn’t, and didn’t ever ask about the present after your suggestion, why did you expect your name to be on it?
I find group presents a minefield, with one person often taking charge, (and liking it) but simultaneously jetting the hump with others

Way to completely miss the point and sounds like your blaming the OP for not following up?

OP is not upset because her name wasn't on the tag!! She's upset because she suggested a joint gift, then this group of women went behind her back in a separate group chat and did just that, excluding the OP from participating. Not only that they also hid it from her until the actually gift giving. She didn't just expect her name to be on the tag!

Belephant · 30/07/2022 14:00

What a nasty group. You deserve much better friends than this!

I'd go out with a bang, tbh, and put a polite but firm message on the group chat wishing the birthday girl happy birthday and mention the fact you were left out the joint present. But then, I am a little gobby.

Maybe I'd give the birthday girl another chance (unless there's past offences), but I'd just be done with the lot of them. As I said, you deserve a lot better.

FrankWelker · 30/07/2022 14:01

Their behaviour to you was awful and extremely hurtful. I would leave the group. You sound like a lovely person- I’m really sorry they have treated you like this.

Ergonomic · 30/07/2022 14:03

Eryr22 · 30/07/2022 13:47

This happened to me too. Friends since primary school, bridesmaids at my wedding. I also told them I was feeling left out and they made out I was being crazy. One was particularly nasty. They were all on a holiday without me at the time that I knew nothing about…
I decided to wait and see how long it would be until they messaged me first. It’s been about 9 months and I’m now 28 weeks pregnant and they have no idea.
You don’t need these people in your life. You deserve so much better 💐

I have a very similar story with my school friends. Always the one making the effort, arranging meet-ups etc. I waited to see if I would be contacted, took 9 months and during this time dad became I'll died from a brain tumour. The friend was annoyed with me because I hadn't messaged her about it.

Ergonomic · 30/07/2022 14:04

@TwinkleTwinkleSeren I hope you're ok. My group of friends is very similar and I know how daunting it can be to think about cutting them off.

FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall · 30/07/2022 14:05

TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 30/07/2022 12:57

Thank you all. I really do feel like it’s a nasty thing that they’ve done. This situation is badly affecting my mental health. I suffer from social anxiety and feel like this is just confirmation that I am completely worthless in that group 😞 DH wants to message the main girl (he knows her too), probably not the best idea!

I felt like they sensed that I was upset last night, main girl kept suggesting we see each other more, offering to drive up to see me, come to my work on my lunch hour. I think she knew that she had upset me, possibly. I left early with an excuse, group made a fuss, big group hug etc. All messaging in the WhatsApp group after. I have muted the group and not responded to my friends text.

I thinking muting and ignoring is the perfect thing to do. They know they've done wrong. Let them stew.

StottieBreadAndHam · 30/07/2022 14:05

Once discovered the PTA group I was in, had a WhatsApp group, that I wasn’t included in.
Classy.

Behappyplease · 30/07/2022 14:07

RenegadeMatron · 30/07/2022 13:47

why not let your DH send a message with the one he has a friendship with as he suggested?

No, why should the DH send the message, and not the OP herself @Behappyplease?

if she doesn’t want to send the message herself DH has offered to, it won’t make any difference to the outcome or the fact these women have been very unkind. Main thing they need to understand their behaviour towards OP was awful.

gracedentssketty · 30/07/2022 14:08

So mean. Sending you lots of love, you deserve much better x

Festoonlights · 30/07/2022 14:08

The only person you need to look after as you end this charade of friendship is yourself.If you will feel better communicating your disappointment and being honest about your feelings then do it. Get the closure and dignity from ending on your own terms.

If you want to silence them and lick your wounds in private then do it, but don’t allow them to use you as the groups doormat any longer op. Find your self respect and choose better friends for the future.

New friends will replace them in time, and when their time comes to have a family ( if they can find anyone stupid enough to put up with and commit to their nasty characters) they may reflect on their poor behaviour towards you but I wouldn’t count on it now.

girlfriend44 · 30/07/2022 14:09

Why did you say nothing to them? I couldnt keep quiet on that.

Definetley confront them now and tell the birthday girl the truth.

Then dump them if you want too.

Beachcomber74 · 30/07/2022 14:11

You said you live far away just don’t bother pouring another moment into this toxicity. Invest time in local friends. Friends through a local network-when people move to our area they put a FB post out saying “ Hi I’m new to the area would love to meet people” & I’m always really surprised how many reply (& that in turn has made me confident to reply.) Turn to your neighbours and turn your back on these “friends”-they are not your friends.

Gymnopedie · 30/07/2022 14:13

Just wondering...is there a Queen Bee in the group who has decided to make you her victim, and the rest of them daren't stand up to her in case she turns on them?

Either way, you are, as you've rightly said, not really part of the group for whatever reason. Do send a message saying why you're leaving, then do so with your head held high. (And if what I've suggested above is right, wait for the squeals of panic from the others wondering who it will be next.)

drawacircleroundit · 30/07/2022 14:13

You knowing how unfair and cruel this is demonstrates that you deserve much more. You have a friendlier, sweeter moral compass than they do, and, unless you have something very wrong with your personality, which I think you would know about, I can't see their behaviour springing from anything other than that cliquey sense of superiority that comes from unpredictable gang-mentality ostracisation of one of the group.
The fact that the "one" seems to be regularly you is all the evidence you need to withdraw. Have a bunch of excuses ready, and know in your heart that you wouldn't treat friends this way so there's no way you're going to continue being a victim.
I've wound myself up on your behalf. They need to get back into the fucking playground and play these games with the eight year olds whose mentality they share.

Festoonlights · 30/07/2022 14:16

If dh is going to message, it needs to be to the who our group so the message is not changed-&/watered down etc. If your mh is struggling because of this then he can say that’s why he is messaging.

Be glad of dh, he sounds very supportive. I have a similar dh and be happy op you have at least one special someone in your corner covering your back. If that feels more comfortable let him do it. Block and delete and celebrate and cheers to new beginnings 🥂

Festoonlights · 30/07/2022 14:16

*to the whole group

RealBecca · 30/07/2022 14:18

School friends can be weird and cliquey. Move on. Make happy memories.

RenegadeMatron · 30/07/2022 14:18

Behappyplease · 30/07/2022 14:07

if she doesn’t want to send the message herself DH has offered to, it won’t make any difference to the outcome or the fact these women have been very unkind. Main thing they need to understand their behaviour towards OP was awful.

Show quote history

If the OP needs her husband to handle / manage her friendships for her, then she has bigger problems than just this friendship group excluding her.

I don’t suspect she does need her husband to handle this for her.

RenegadeMatron · 30/07/2022 14:21

And of course it’s lovely to have a DH who feels so aggrieved he’d want to message them. That’s the way it should work in healthy, loving relationships.

But it really doesn’t mean A Man should step in and sort out the silly ladies. That’s not a good look.

Festoonlights · 30/07/2022 14:22

Are they jealous of your happy marriage and little one/ family set up by any chance? Are they about to hit milestone 30 and realise how far away their vision of life at 30 has strayed from cold reality? It wouldn’t the first time - comparison can be a devil in groups.

SquirrelSoShiny · 30/07/2022 14:24

Festoonlights · 30/07/2022 13:08

The problem with disengaging and going silent is that will read it as op sulking and flouncing. They have the opportunity to turn this around to being op’s ‘issues’ - suddenly it will be rewritten that they didn’t leave you out, you left yourself out.

Do not let them do this. I have seen it many times .
Throw light and truth into it. Call them out and they can’t then lie and blame it on your strops.

You have nothing at all left to lose.

You will find out if you have any real friends in the midst by doing this op.

I really agree with this. It can be done politely and with dignity but I think this kind of playground behaviour thrives in the shadows.

blisstwins · 30/07/2022 14:25

Imissmoominmama · 30/07/2022 12:35

Can you ask the others why you were excluded, even though you’d offered? I think, if you’re going to leave the group, they should be aware of the fact that their thoughtless behaviour is why.

I agree. Don’t do a slow fade. They have been unkind and should know.

RockinHorseShit · 30/07/2022 14:25

As above, they are not your friends & sound to enjoy school yard drama...I wouldn't be feeding that by calling them out.

Depending on the birthday girls involvement in other rudeness to you, I'd suggest sending her a small card & gift for her birthday, with a note explaining your embarrassment at being excluded from the joint gift to her & that you will be stepping back from that friendship group as it's the last in a longline of similar snubs & schoolyard behaviour towards you. Wish her happy birthday & then block the lot of them

Roselilly36 · 30/07/2022 14:29

Such an unkind thing to do, the feeling of exclusion is never nice. Block them and move on, they aren’t friends OP.