To think this is not the norm for "lots of people"?

[fedupwiththis22]

DP and I have a 16 month old. He works long shifts, lots of 6am starts and 9pm finishes, and weekends etc. I'm starting to feel like I spend so much time alone I'm almost a single mum (yes, I know I'm not because we have a 2nd income etc, but that's just how I feel because of how much time I spend alone with my DD).

I mostly just get on with it but this morning as he left for work again it really got to me, so I said I'm feeling really down about it all, I just want a normal family life where we get the occasional day to spend together, He said "lots of families don't see each other on weekends due to work".

I disagreed with him and said I really don't think how little time we spend together is the norm!

Anyway. AIBU to think one day a month together as a family on average is not the norm?

Also - AIBU to really miss him and family time?? I feel lonely so much of the time. I love my DD so much, but we had her to be a family and now we are hardly functioning as one. 😣

My DH worked away 7-10 days at a time. He had 2/3 days off between and spent those lying in, getting over work, and packing to go away again. It’s shit, but it’s your life, so you need to find things for you and little one to do when he’s not there.

how many days does he work per week and what days/hours do you work?

It’s sort of irrelevant whether it’s the norm - you are unhappy with it and that’s what counts. Your DH needs to stop dismissing your feelings and listen to what’s important to you so that you can work together to find a routine that works better for both of you.

Equally, listen to him about his experience of it all and why he’s quick to dismiss your feelings. Is he perhaps feeling under pressure to provide if he’s the sole earner?

If he’s working 7 days a week you may have a point. If he’s working normal hours but his job involves weekends then that is normal for a lot of people

whats the alternative? Could he find a similar job with no weekend work but same pay?

I agree, if a norm exists it is irrelevent. I hope you can pull together as a couple to solve the problem.

Thanks for the replies.

He's not the sole earner. I also earn a decent salary working 4 days a week. He does lots of overtime to bump up our income due to the cost of living rises and childcare etc. In understand why he's doing it and the money is massively helpful, obviously. But I feel like he becomes quite tunnel visioned at times, focussing only on the bank balance at the end of the month rather than the amount of family time we've had. To me, those things are just as valuable as money, she's growing so fast and I'm seeing most of it, he's missing a lot. It makes me sad. 😞

How many days a month did you spend with him before you had the baby? Have these always been his hours, or does he just find it easier to be at work than to be home with a toddler?!

I think that is the norm for lots of people where both parents have to work shifts which fit around childcare.

@fedupwiththis22 do you work too? Or are you with baby all the torn

It’s not ‘the norm’ but he’s right that lots of families do it, lots of shift workers, nhs workers, most of the hospitality industry etc… it’s pretty common. This was my situation for a long time so I understand that loanlyness but he’s right that it’s not a rare situation.

We spent every other weekend and lots of evenings together before the baby.

We now spend on average one weekend day a month fully together as a family. The rest he is working either his normal shifts or overtime .

Was his working pattern/hours the same before you had DD? And is it the norm for his role? If so, while it's not unreasonable that you don't like it, I'm not quite sure what he can do about it short of a total career change.

This is also what I wondered. I don't really understand when people talk about 'long shifts' - lots of people do long days at work, but it's the overall hours that are relevant surely? I don't know how normal it is but I would find it very tedious being alone with my small children most weekend days. Does your husband spend much time alone with your child?

I think it’s more frustrating that he’s added these changes in after you’ve had a child, does he do much with your DD when he is home? I’d worry he was trying to avoid doing his share at home. For us we met in hospitality and new what life would look like if we had kids, I’d have been more annoyed if he changed the goal posts after we had kids.

@fedupwiththis22 it might make you sad that he’s missing it but it clearly doesn’t make him sad. The baby stage can be bloody tedious and boring so to be honest with you if he’s building a nest egg for you so that you can have a bit more fun and family time when the baby is a bit more interactive and remembers what’s going on around it actually isn’t a bad thing.

I just really miss him and I am yearning for some family time. When I say that to him I get met with "but we need the money". He doesn't understand that it gets to me, and he doesn't seem to empathise when I vent about it. He just gives practical, factual responses. I end up saying to him "I know why you're doing it, I'm just saying that it makes me feel sad and depressed". I suppose I want some validation and maybe for him to say "yeah I agree it's shit for me too - I miss you too"... etc, but he doesn't say that. 😓

It is normal for lots of families so he’s not wrong there, but you’re not wrong for wanting more time together either. If he’s doing it because you need the extra income then it’s hard for you both but necessary.

My xh was like this, worked 6 or 7 days a week in our own business, but then would go to the pub afterwards to wind down from work. Very rarely came straight home, or before the dc bedtime. I resented it although we had a good income (I also worked 4/5 days a week but did nursery pickup and came straight home)

You notice the xh bit?

She's really interactive and properly developing a little personality now. She's 16 months, not a tiny baby.

Plan days out. Perhaps have a talk with him and come to an agreement on time spent together.
Then book them in a diary and stuck to it.

Ifs he able to achieve some balance- as in, he is always the one to put her to bed ( or similar).

Is he self employed?

Well that and more is 'normal' in farming families.

normal/common doesn't mean correct though.

Just to answer the question of spending time with her when he's home - yes, he does. He comes home and often takes straight over, telling me to go and relax etc or make myself some tea if I haven't eaten yet. He does every bath / bedtime with DD on the evenings he's not working late (about 3 in 7 maybe on a good week). So he does pull his weight with DD when he's home. That's not my gripe. My gripe is I that miss family time with us all together, which seems to hardly ever happen.

There is no such thing as normal, remember that. Everyone’s life is different and it really depends on what sector you are working in. Many jobs work weekends and evenings/nights, and when you have a young child sometimes it is the sacrifice that is made to afford childcare. also if you have a blended family as well, you accept that half of the weekends the dc are away with their other parent so you could only have 2 “family weekends” a month anyway, even if you and dp and working mon-fri. I personally grew up with my dad working away for 12 weeks at a time (merchant navy) so I don’t know what “normal” is.

you just need to talk to him and find a compromise that works for you both.

It doesn’t sound as if he’s unhappy with the situation.

I’d insist on one more day per month as a family minimum. It’s not unreasonable to have one full day per fortnight. I think if he refuses this then you have quite big marriage problems.

Now I probably sound like I'm being ungrateful as he tries his best, he really does. I'm just yearning to feel more like a family on weekends. Often I take DD places and see other families together and I just feel so intensely sad.