To think this is not the norm for "lots of people"?

[fedupwiththis22]

DP and I have a 16 month old. He works long shifts, lots of 6am starts and 9pm finishes, and weekends etc. I'm starting to feel like I spend so much time alone I'm almost a single mum (yes, I know I'm not because we have a 2nd income etc, but that's just how I feel because of how much time I spend alone with my DD).

I mostly just get on with it but this morning as he left for work again it really got to me, so I said I'm feeling really down about it all, I just want a normal family life where we get the occasional day to spend together, He said "lots of families don't see each other on weekends due to work".

I disagreed with him and said I really don't think how little time we spend together is the norm!

Anyway. AIBU to think one day a month together as a family on average is not the norm?

Also - AIBU to really miss him and family time?? I feel lonely so much of the time. I love my DD so much, but we had her to be a family and now we are hardly functioning as one. 😣

@JosephineGH

He isn't supporting my adult child.

Have only read OPs posts. But. You are complaining that he wants to have a nicer life than living from payday to payday. I didn't see if you work outside the home. Maybe if you did, he could cut his hours? That would be a good compromise IMO.
It is not a bad idea to work more and earn more, especially now, are you putting some into savings? you probably should.

Frankly? You sound a bit whiny. I get that you want "family time" but blimey, he works a lot to buy nice things, he spends time with your child - maybe he's feeling the panic some dads have when a baby arrives? and wants to give the child a nice life? nicer than he had?

I'm not avoiding the question of what we are saving, I had missed it.

We save in the region of £300-500 per month depending on how much overtime he has and how many extra outgoings we have that month.

Norm or not.

Is this what you want for 5 years? 10? 20?

Do you want to get to retirement age and realise you've been living with a stranger for your entire life?

You've one go around this board, if you're unhappy with how it's playing out, only.yoi can change it.

i think i missed a page of OPs replies - sorry.
So you work 4 days but earn more - perhaps he feels he has to match your earnings (seems not unreasonable) but as pp said, between you that's 2 full-time jobs.

You're saving so that's good. So I'll revise what i said to how about you pick up an extra day and he drops the equivalent of a day? would that work for you?

It is really hard when they're small but it doesn't last forever.

I find it hilarious that people are saying I sound "whiny".

Of course I do!!

I literally said in my OP: I mostly just get on with it but this morning as he left for work again it really got to me,

I mostly just get on with it. I don't complain, I don't cry, I feel grateful for what we have; I miss him but I do so secretly, and I focus on building a life with my DD and filling it with fun things. But occasionally, it gets to me! Shoot me, I'm human. 🤷‍♀️

So I come online to "whine" anonymously and I'm called "whiny and ungrateful".

So, normal human emotions and expressing them isn't allowed on MN either, then?

Odd.

I feel for you OP (and I’d say some responses on here are very harsh - there’s a lot of mum bashing on mumsnet which is quite ironic really but I just think a lot of people are quite bitter about their own lives and take it out on other posters 🤷‍♀️).

No I don’t think it’s the norm for him to be doing so many hours (especially when as you say your household isn’t living on the breadline). The weekends would really get to me too as they’re so regular and you’re on your own so much x

Presumably if he’s working shifts there are times when he’s home and you’re at work? On the assumption your 4 days work are not shift based that is. So in some respects the reason you get less family time than you’d like isn’t just because of him, it’s because you both have different work patterns which is neither of your ‘faults’. It sounds like he could do less overtime, or perhaps target overtime on days when you’re working anyway, but then again in the current climate I can understand why he might want a larger financial buffer coming into a period of more uncertainty and potential food /interest rate / energy price rises. You have to both talking, and find a compromise that works without jeopardising your financial security.

To be fair to him with the cost of living crisis and energy bill increases coming up in October everyone’s worried and I know me and my DH are working our arses off to put money away for that, we barely see each other, I work 5 days, he works 6 days till late, I think it is fairly standard to be fair. I always remember growing up never really seeing my dad as he was always at work which used to suck but then I grew up and realised life isn’t free and he was just working to keep us afloat.

@JosephineGH

He's aware of what's in our savings account. It makes no difference to his desire to work.

@JosephineGH

Is 37 "very far from young"? 😫 how depressing 😂😂

@herecomemydemons - How do you know that he is a “good man”?

I’m not saying that he isn’t. We don’t have much information about his character at all.

What we do know is that he has a job, works lots of hours, baths and puts his own child to bed a few night nights a week, and spends a day with her during the week while his wife works.

How have you decided that this makes him “a good man” who a woman should be really grateful for?

It’s absolutely basic stuff. The OP doesn’t need to be pathetically grateful to “have a man”.

Lighthearted, obvs. I know I'm no spring chicken.

Well it was pretty normal for us. I'm sure it's pretty normal for lots of other families, imagine being a military wife.

DH worked away driving HGVs on the continent when mine were little, I didn't see him Sunday to Friday, for years. When he went into the office, I was working full time and he worked 4 on 4 off, so lots of weekend and when he was off I was at work. Then he progressed through his career which meant huge amounts of travel, and now as we go into retirement he still works away Mon-Thurs 250 miles away.

I have tonnes of memories of very happy holidays, and even now our adult children come on holiday with us at least once a year. I do admit that many of the day trips, sports events, family parties involved myself, children, female friends and their DC.

The difference was , I guess, his job necessitated these work patterns, it doesn't sound as though your DH's does.

See that does help - £300/500 a month savings from 2 people working broadly full time in reasonably / well paid jobs isn’t that much in the great scheme of things. A couple of shifts of overtime dropped and that probably wipes most of that out doesn’t it? So I kind of see where he’s coming from.

I think you need to communicate more clearly, and be more practical - sit down and work out a compromise rather than moan about it. I hear where you are coming from, but you have to be more active.

If he looks after your daughter a day a week and takes over in the evenings he’s seeing enough of her to build a relationship, what you want is more time as a couple and more time as a family.

So what is the compromise - one full weekend a month plus one weekend day? So that’s 2 days he’s loosing at work. Or do you want 2 weekends. What money would you loose?

Would it be better if your daughter went into childcare on Weds so his day off payed work became a weekend family day? What financial impact would that have?

What happens if you go back FT? Does that ease the pressure so he can take more weekend days?

And for you two as a couple a date night every two weeks? So you have to pay for a babysitter there - or maybe one date in two you stay home and eat M and S

You need to sit him down and spell out that you are worried about both your relationship and family life. You are a partnership and you need to jointly agree how much money you need and how much family time to need. Go into this conversation armed with numbers and possible models - he sounds like he is a man who likes a plan so he’ll probably respond to that. Tell him you want to sit down and work things through in advance - ask him to bring his financial plans (he sounds to me he has a plan in his head you just aren’t aware of.)

This is about compromise. He doesn’t want a divorce - so he needs to listen to you about family and couple time. You don’t want to be skint so you need to listen to him about money.

Thank you. I think this is all I'm looking for, just some empathy and understanding x

And @herecomemydemons - Men aren’t “helping” their wives by giving their own DC baths or spending time with them. They are just being parents. Women do not need to be grateful for this.

God some of the posts on here are just so horrible. This marriage will fail if this continues and the the lack of family time is directly impacting their DD. Anyone can see that.
No amount of money is worth that.
Personally I found being a single parent so much more rewarding than having a husband I never saw and had fallen out of love with as a result.

I wouldn't be happy with that work pattern, I would want at least 1 day both off work a week together. Could you suggest at least a day off alternate weekends? It's still not much but would give you time together without dropping his wages too much.