To think this is not the norm for "lots of people"?

[fedupwiththis22]

DP and I have a 16 month old. He works long shifts, lots of 6am starts and 9pm finishes, and weekends etc. I'm starting to feel like I spend so much time alone I'm almost a single mum (yes, I know I'm not because we have a 2nd income etc, but that's just how I feel because of how much time I spend alone with my DD).

I mostly just get on with it but this morning as he left for work again it really got to me, so I said I'm feeling really down about it all, I just want a normal family life where we get the occasional day to spend together, He said "lots of families don't see each other on weekends due to work".

I disagreed with him and said I really don't think how little time we spend together is the norm!

Anyway. AIBU to think one day a month together as a family on average is not the norm?

Also - AIBU to really miss him and family time?? I feel lonely so much of the time. I love my DD so much, but we had her to be a family and now we are hardly functioning as one. 😣

I find your tunnel-vision comment very telling. I think that gives us the clearest picture of what's going on here.

A lot of people do the sort of thing he's done - that is, think of something they view as helpful to other people, from their own, narrow, limited point of view. Without first asking the people they're seeking to help, what would be helpful to them. Then act on that. Then get offended when other people are 'ungrateful'. Every interfering MIL and giver of unwanted 'advice' has done the same.

He's basically mansplaining family life to you.

You need to shake him out of his entrenched subjectivity, his tunnel vision and... his unquestioned sense of his own superiority. Remind him that he is not the only competent adult in this family. Having a baby did not make him 'head of the household' without your consent. He has ideas, some of them are good. Others are half-baked, ill-informed, impulsive and lack important contextual information. Just like everyone else. And, just like everyone else, the way he needs to test his ideas, to find out which ones truly are good and helpful, which have a nugget of something good but need to be developed or re-focused, which need to be dropped. He does that by discussing them with you. Talking, reflecting, re-shaping.

I think you would be making a mistake to focus on your feelings as the important thing here. They are important but (for a person with tunnel vision who compartmentalises things) not obviously relevant, as part of this discussion, to him. Focus on your equal status, competence, ownership and responsibility, as a financial decision-maker in this family.

Then you can move to talk about other categories of decision-making about family life and parenthood.

I sympathise, I'm a single parent and brought both mine up from and young age alone and the days out when you see families everywhere can be a killer.

I'd make plans for the one weekend a month he is around, make sure you get out and feed the ducks and go do all the things you hate doing alone.

Have you made any mum friends yet at mums and toddler or playgroup, if you go out with another mum you don't notice the families so much. Do you have family who can join you in a trip to the park?

It’s not just about the actual days or hours you both work.

It should be about working together as a team. Looking at the life you want for yourselves and for DD. Discussing and compromising and building a marriage where both of you feel heard and both of you want the other to have a happy life.

Your DH is prioritising what he wants, even though he knows you are lonely and it isn’t the life that you want. This doesn’t seem to be bothering them.

I think that in a healthy relationship, if one person doesn’t feel happy with the relationship then both partners see that as a problem to be addressed.

If there is ever an attitude along the lines of “Everything’s fine, you’re the only one who has a problem with this”, then that isn’t okay.

There are only two of you in the marriage . It doesn’t matter what other people do or don’t do, or something isn’t working for one of you then it needs to be addressed. Your DH should care that you are unhappy, not try to minimise it and carry on regardless.

It is also irrelevant that he is hands on with DD when he is around. He is her dad. You don’t need a dad OP, you need a husband.

My DH works days, I work nights, weekends included.
When they are pre and school age, you have to do what works around your circumstances, I barely saw my DH for a few years, we've found a system that works, for the remaining years of primary school.

It's hard OP, it sucks, we had many disagreements, but ultimately, its what needs to happen for us to have enough money and have a few luxuries, holidays etc.

But that also doesn't mean you have to be happy about it, and he should listen and maybe work towards something that works better for you all.

Well OP hasn’t actually been clear about whether it is needed financially.
OP works 4 days a week and her DH works 6, so it balances out to a normal working week for 2 people hours wise. Many families need both parent to work full time.
OP mentions spending the extra money on clothes and toys so it isn’t unreasonable for her husband to assume they need the money they currently bring in if they are largely spending it all.

You've massively misunderstood.

I'm buying the clothes and toys my DD needs, it's basic stuff, nothing extravagant.

You also seem to have missed the part where I work 4 days a week and actually earn (on paper without his overtime) more than DP does.

Finally, there is money left over each month so I'm not "disposing" of it, leaving him in a situation of needing to work harder because I'm pissing it all away. It's still sitting there in savings month on month. I tell him we don't necessarily need all this overtime, we aren't struggling etc. It falls on deaf ears.

Amazing that you've found a way to imply I'm the problem here because I'm spending "his" money (hilarious when I earn more) on OUR daughter's necessities!

@herecomemydemons

Realise that I acknowledged in my OP that it's not the same:

I'm starting to feel like I spend so much time alone I'm almost a single mum (yes, I know I'm not because we have a 2nd income etc, but that's just how I feel because of how much time I spend alone with my DD).

And then take your bitterness elsewhere. It's not a race to the bottom, I'm struggling and I'm not having someone tell me I'm not allowed to express it because "it could be worse". Ffs.

I think you need a sit down chat and be open and honest, tell him about how you feel and what you think he is missing out on and listen to each other. Suggest going back to every other weekend off plus date night once a month and see what his response is.

He sounds like a good husband/father who is trying his hardest. Sometimes people lose their way and think it is all about the money and forget that experiences are just as important.

This was my first thought. Also agree family time is fine, but it doesn't pay the bills. Sit down with him and have the money talk in detail. Go through your budget and your goals.

op can I ask, does he ever arrange to go out with friends? Is " money " only ever and issue when its you asking when you can see eachother?

Does time and money appear for other things that he wants to do?

@BeanieTeen

Thanks that's a helpful post.

I don't feel alone in that sense - I do activities with DD. I take her swimming every Sunday, we have friends there etc. i have mum friends who I can meet for coffee and soft play etc. My family are a fair distance away (2 hrs drive) but I do take her there some weekends, too. It's lovely in its own way. But it's not the little family scenario I'd had in mind when we planned DD, if that makes sense.

@lottiegarbanzo

Incredibly helpful post, lots of think about. Thank you!

Yes. It's usually only when I say I want to spend time together. Time and money appears for other things (the gym, mostly). He doesn't really see friends that often, but he'd find the time if he wanted to.

@herecomemydemons

I have no idea what it feels like to be a single mum, do I not? Ahhh OK. So I must have dreamt the part of my life where I spent 9 years as a single mum to my eldest child, then.

You haven't got a clue. Jog on with your assumptions and bitterness.

1. Ask to take over the household money management.
2. Set up a savings account.
3. Save any extra income from the overtime into it, and manage all bills and expenses on his and your basic salary.
4. After 3 or 4 months you will have shown you can comfortably manage without the overtime, and you will also have some savings.
5. Show him the results.

If he doesn't give up the overtime after that, you will know that it's not because you need the extra money....

The clothes and toys are "new". You called it "disposable" income. Savings is not disposable income.

You say you work four days a week, but I cannot find the part where you said you earn more than him.

If you do indeed earn more than him (the bit I missed), you go to work and let him stay at home. Win win

Yes. I think he has lost perspective a little. That's what I mean by the tunnel visioned comment. He becomes very focussed on money to the exclusion of all else.

Don't take those kind of comments to heart.. those of us who have been there know exactly what you mean.

I said I earn more than him on paper without his overtime.

In other words, my basic salary is double his.

However, with his overtime (which I do not have the option to do in my job), he can easily take home more than I do because his overtime bumps it right up. But for that, he has to bang out 60 hour plus weeks.

Have you talked to him about the future? Having one day off with DD is all well and good now, but what about when she goes to school? When does he plan to spend to time with her then? Has he thought about that?

@StationaryMagpie

Thank you.

Also hilarious that I'm being told by an internet stranger that I have "no idea" what it's like to be a single mum despite having done it for 9 years with my eldest! Assumption makes an ass out of you, and all that......

is also probably a father to your elder child also and you are COMPARING the two???

Ooooh yet more assumption making an ASS out of you!!

No, he is not a father to my eldest as my eldest is an adult. 🙄